MissM's story

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#1 Sep 12 - 7PM
admin
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MissM's story

It's probably easier to work backwards than start at the beginning.

Two months into our 'relationship' (full of hot/cold displays and disappearing acts), knowing there was so much that was plain WRONG with the whole situation (and at the same time, so RIGHT) I did a questionable thing in itself and checked my N's mobile phone. He had told me he was seeing no one else and kept reinforcing this in other indirect ways, but I had a gut feeling it wasn't true.

I found loads of texts from some woman full of ''miss you xxx'' and ''I'm still sore xxx''. Worse still, an un-named number from someone saying ''but I'm so horny! I live at such and such address..''.

I felt sick. I had to confront him though. I did it calmly and honestly, mainly because I could barely speak. I also felt very bad about looking in his phone and apologised. He wasn't even angry. He told me it wasn't what I thought, that I was being 'presumptuous' (!), that he knew he should have told her a long time ago to not text anymore... I wanted so badly to believe but I knew it was just washing over me. I'd heard it all before, just not from him. He told me how incredibly pretty I was and how I just didn't know it. And all the while holding my hand and 'comforting' me. When he told me who she was, and he he was 'just flattered' by her attention now and then, it clicked that she was the girl he had supposedly stopped seeing months ago because 'she always had issues, wasn't happy unless there was a catastrophe in her life and likes to argue when she's drunk'.

I left his place that morning numb and broadsided. He just kept telling me I was taking it all too seriously, it was nothing like what I thought and should 'cheer up'. As I got into my car he kissed me on the cheek and said ''i'll catch you later you'' and ''see you soon''.

He ignored my text later that day saying 'did I really blow things out of proportion like a silly *rse?''. Nothing from him. An agonising week later I sent him a carefully worded text to sound 'normal' and laid back (not wanting to push him away further) just apologising for being nosey and mardy and saying I hoped he was ok and I'd catch him soon. He did answer this time.

I thought he sounded normal at first, but was clearly ignoring my apology. So I repeated it saying 'I've said my bit and I was bang out of order'. He came back at me saying 'yes you were, its why I don't want a relationship with anyone women are all mad'. Followed by calling me a bunny boiler, telling me I shouldn't go hang myself or slash myself though because I was still ok for a woman. I was thrown and couldn't believe my eyes.

I should have ignored him and turned my phone off. But I kept going. I asked why he was being so nasty when all I wanted to do was apologise and talk. He told me he wasn't being nasty, I was just interpreting it as nasty and that I should smile. Smile. So I asked if he was just winding me up. 'Yes' he replied. And that is the last I heard from him.

The silence has just added to the problem. I'm an intelligent, easy going, open minded woman who takes life as it comes, never made demands on him and just enjoyed his company and being with him. He knows it will be hurting. But I never gave in, I didn't once text or call him after that.

Then last weekend I accidentally sent a text to him that was meant for someone else. It was nothing, just a line or two about a diving club meeting. I followed it up saying 'b*gger, not meant for you - perils of doing 2 things at once. It's L, how are you?'

He's ignored that too.

Any thoughts? I have ok days and bad days but mainly feel like he hates me. I shouldn't care. But I do. And I also feel scared of him - mainly that someone so warm and funny and candid could be this cold, unfeeling, remorseless machine.

Sep 19 - 5PM
MissM
MissM's picture

Being Ignored Hurts

I know I shouldn't give it any more thought. But it just hurts that he is the one ignoring me. It makes me wonder if all his N traits really are N traits at all. It is making me feel like I'M the one who needs to be avoided and ignored. Many people on here talk about 'going no contact' and having to block their ex N's. But this feels permanent. In a crazy way, it's making me want to hear from him. I've been through a long distance relationship before with a full on N. I know the 'routine'. This time it just feels different. Like my latest ex N has 'had' to obliterate me rather than the other way round. On another note... can anyone shed some light on this for me: The last time I saw him - after I confronted him about his seeing someone else - at one point he asked me if I was having a baby. And they were his words. ''Are you having a baby''. I said no, of course not. And he asked again ''you are, you're having a baby aren't you''. And the same gut feeling that made me check his phone made me also think he wanted it to be true. He wanted me to say yes. Does this make sense to anyone? I wish ANY of what I was thinking and feeling made sense to me.
Sep 13 - 6PM
NanC (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

How long have u been in this

How long have u been in this relationship? Comparing mine to yours, I would be the woman that had the long term relationship. I guarantee u, the only reason it lasted that long was probably because he worked out of town or was gone more than what he was there! I was an honest woman to my xN & worked & tended to the kids. Don't believe what he says about the ex. My ex told his new gf that i was a physco bitch & all i would do was "nag". My previous husband of 15 yrs never called me a "nag"! N's always want to make their ex look like the bad guy. My xN gf dumped him (obviously not has niave as i was). He said HE dumped her & that she was a physco alcholic! Whatever! I don't believe him one bit. She & i have compared notes & realized that he is one mental looney tune! We always want to give them the benefit of the doubt but DON'T! Stop wasting yur time! On the weekends, i picture my xN out at some club dancin wit his new gf. I kno its just a matter of time before he shows his true colors. B glad u don't have a child with him, like me (barf!)
Sep 14 - 2PM (Reply to #10)
MissM
MissM's picture

NanC

Well first of all, talking of children, one of the last things he asked me was ''are you having a baby'' and he asked it twice. And as weird as it sounds, it seemed like he wanted it to be true. He joked that 'it would do him in' but my intuition (that had been right with other things) was that he wanted me to say yes. And the way he worded it - not the contemptuous and mocking language of 'up the spout', 'gone and got pregnant' but 'having a baby'. I met him in January - after being very cautious of dating someone who told me his ex's were nuts. Then the push-pull, hot cold dance between then and May when things became more intimate. I bought into his vulnerability, and the reasons he 'didn't want a relationship' and tried to be the perfect non-girlfriend. Haha how funny. He is very bitter and angry with his ex. Who knows, maybe she did cheat on him and is an even bigger narcissist than he is. But she must have had GOOD reason to get rid of a man as supposedly wonderful, handsome, modest as him... I'd love a conversation with her. They are both cops so had 9 years of shift work together and maybe didn't see each other 24/7. So if that is the same as working away/out of town... When I talk about the Other Woman and the messages in his phone, these were not from his longterm ex. These were from a woman he has known longer than he has known me. I realised, when he mentioned a couple of things about who she was, that this was the woman he had supposedly stopped seeing before xmas because she had issues and catastrophes and liked arguing and it was tedious. He'll be telling his brother - who he introduced me to our last evening together - that I turned out to be a nut, no doubt. How funny. I'm about as far from psycho nut as it gets and he knows that. At least he is doing me the 'favour' of staying away. No texts, no push pull just silence. Part of me would like to believe (yeh right) that he is doing the right thing. He should be feeling a total d*ck for calling me a bunny boiler. Please assure me that he will stay away. I couldn't handle the houdini reappearing act. Do these guy sometimes just vanish for good and do everyone a favour?
Sep 14 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

only if they are scared of you

Psycho-Boy's gone for good I scare the SHIT out of him because I have TOO MUCH information and proof of everything he did. And my cease & desist order against him and his wife sealed the deal. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Sep 15 - 4AM (Reply to #12)
MissM
MissM's picture

Barbara

really? He has nothing to be scared of and he knows that. I never even expressed anger towards him (I avoid anger, it eats your soul). He knows i could have taken this woman's number and spilt the beans. But i didn't and told him that, and i never would. Fingers crossed, he has the decency to stay away even if he has to kid himself that it was all mz fault.
Sep 15 - 6AM (Reply to #13)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

MissM

I was referencing my own story: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/07/22/barbaras-story ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Sep 15 - 8AM (Reply to #14)
MissM
MissM's picture

unfathomable

psycho boy. What a deeply sick, diseased lump of flesh he is. And how dangerous. And the depths he dragged you and your own friends to. I see your widespread responses to many many posts on here and I am sure everyone else is as grateful to you as I am. In a sense, i am protected by the fact that my N IS the police. I have nothing on him, don't ever want to be in a situation where i need sth on him, and in a way am thankful he has vanished. I would love to be assured he won't reappear and mess with my head and heart. What is left of it.
Sep 13 - 7AM
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

RED FLAG! flattered by attention

Let me just say that the BIGGEST problem with my N was his flattery at the slightest amount of attention. With all the women he burdened our relationship with, his response to me was that he was flattered by their attention. When a person says this, please take it as a huge red flag! He will try to get to your empathy when caught by saying he has low self esteem. He will tell you a sad story about his childhood. He will come up with ANYTHING to back up his current need for attention. And he will make you believe it is just a small quirk in his behavior. That with your help and love he will get better. But dont believe it! He will continue to look for attention sources everywhere he goes and it doesnt matter how much YOU give him! It will be a constant source of pain for you. If I could help just one person to realize this before they suffer the pain I did, I will be happy. Run away if you see this behavior!!
Sep 14 - 8AM (Reply to #8)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Ns and flattery

How could a pathological put a woman in a trance state without her realizing it? Inducing a trance is nothing more than helping someone get focused. There are many “ways” to go into a trance, so inducing trance in someone else is not that difficult. Since trance is nothing more than intense focus, the pathological with all the intensity he has inserted in the beginning of the relationship can easily use the intensity to encourage hyperfocus. The enormous amount of time he is spending with her allows him to get her to hyperfocus on “them.” A pathological does not have to understand the mechanics of trance. He is a master of watching what works and doesn’t work in controlling others. Stumbling across “intensity” in a relationship is all he needs to get to work using it to his advantage. Neuro Linguistic Programming which is a “cousin” to formal hypnosis, induces trance by preoccupying the ego with statements like, “You’re so wonderful and beautiful” and then targeting other messages straight to the unconscious mind through short story telling. Pathologicals are master storytellers — inducing her belief system in his virtues while she is in a trance state. Sandra Brown, MA - Women Who Love Psychopaths ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Sep 13 - 5AM
faith999
faith999's picture

Let him go

Please follow the advice from Rose-marie and let him go. This man is playing you.Believe me I know. I've been played in very similar ways.He turned the situation around so that you are the one apologising. Try reading your story as if someone else wrote it and see how it looks to you. What advice would you give her? Of course you already know all this and I know how hard it can be to let go,but let go we must for the life we desire and deserve. Find your power Miss M. It's there it's just buried right now. I wish you well. Faith
Sep 12 - 10PM
Rose-Marie (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Miss M

What a horrible toxic person he is; please do not message him again and you will eventually be glad he is out of your life. He obviously is sick in the head. Once the "wonderful" person I knew was through with me, he called me a stalker (just for texting him once following our break up). That untrue accusation alone was enough to stop me doing it again. They are cold, unfeeling and remorseless - the warm, funny and candid was a mask he wore to reel you in. Once you caught him out in his sick deeds, the mask came off, and you saw the true person. He is truly that evil. Let him go. Rosy .
Sep 13 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
MissM
MissM's picture

One of the worst things is

One of the worst things is that my friends who I've tried to talk to, just don't 'get it'. One of them even tried to tell me he's been through a bad relationship and I should try to understand myself before I can understand him?! I ignored huge reg flags all along, explaining them away with his stories of his awful ex, the way she cheated on him, how he convinced me he was 'different'. And of course, how the red flags were outnumbered by all the good things he represented. Even now, I'm second guessing myself that it wasn't all my fault - getting involved with him, taking our 'relationship' to mean more than it did, wondering if I do deserve to be ignored, to be discarded, wondering if these other women mean more to him. He didn't hound me relentlessly after our first date. If anything he backed off. I took it he wasn't that interested even though we'd hit it off and had a great night. Me being me, I thought we'd turn out to be friends. Not paying attention to dating etiquette I fired him a funny laid back text a week or so later and he responded immdediately but from a different number. It said ''you have been classed at this stage as non boiler and may have my personal number''. I was thrown at first then laughed putting it down to his quirky sense of humour. We talked on text for over 2 hours, he was telling me about his home, his family, where he was taking his kids that weekend. You know, really normal stuff. And lots of xx's in there. I was elated. Then within days he completely changed. Distant, removed, uninterested, no sign of wanting to see me again. So I left it. Then he texted me days later saying he was out with his friends and did I want to come out. I was so RELIEVED he texted me - how ridiculous is that. Then his language slowly changed - he inferred we should meet up to have sex, to play games.. God it was horrible. And I STILL refused to believe this wasn't the real him. Occasionally the man I wanted him to be would resurface. In between being the man I met and this other man I never wanted to know, he told me I was a great girl but he didn't want a relationship with anyone - he wanted no ties, and was uncomfortable that I might be looking at his photos that he sent me. I asked if he was serious, and why was he so hell bent on meeting me and persuading me he 'loved having a girlfriend'. Then he reverted to mr wonderful again, invited me round to his to talk and of course, he was once again the great guy I had met originally. Its like he is a different person in text form to the person he is in real life. His weird, cold behaviour has only ever been by text. Sometimes I feel like he was trying to warn me off. But then what the hell is all that about? God I'm just reeling from it all. And is this strange... he always complemented my eyes, my hair, my skin and wanted to touch my hair and my face.. but never really wanted to kiss. Do they avoid kissing outside of the bedroom?
Sep 13 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

MissM

Go through ALL the pages on MESSAGE BOARD and ALL the posts on MY BLOG these questions have been asked and answered - if he won't kiss you outside the bedroom? HE'S USING YOU FOR FREE SEX, a BLOW UP DOLL WITH A PULSE, WARM PLUMBING. compliments.... puhleeze.... LURES! READ!: The early days of being wooed and lured by a pathological are the most exciting times that women remember. Consistently described as “charming” the pathological is irresistible in his personality traits. Women described him as “a charming and engaging conversationalist, agreeable, insightful, sweet, twinkling eyes, a compelling talker, funny, a great storyteller, fun to be with, delightful, exciting, companionable, loyal, enthusiastic, upbeat, fun-loving, intense, and sensitive.” From this list of traits, it’s easy to see why women are enamored with his personality. By this list, what’s not to like? During the luring stage, he is highly complimentary. Pathologicals use intensity and then flattery to overwhelm her emotionally, and then set her at ease. The purpose of the luring stage is to hook her. The purpose of the honeymoon stage is to hoodwink her. In the pathological’s arsenal to achieve this hooking and hoodwinking, is any person, place, thing, word, or behavior that will sell her on his illusion. While she is reeling in flattery, swimming in the bonding-hormone oxytocin (from all the sex), and snuggling up to his stories of their future lives together… the pathological is solidifying his internal imprint in her by his use of trance and capitalizing on her suggestibility. Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS GET YOURSELF INTO THERAPY ASAP!! Your friends don't get it because a PATHOLOGICAL MAN has never walked into their lives. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/07/02/when-your-friends-family-dont-get-it-about-narcissist http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/08/18/information-victim-and-victims-friends GET THIS ANIMAL OUT OF YOUR LIFE, go NO CONTACT immediately and get to therapy. PLEASE! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Sep 13 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
MissM
MissM's picture

Thank you Barbara

Barbara, thanks for that. I needed a wake up call. I'm embarrassed that I went through only a fraction of what a lot of women (well, usually women) have to live years of. I tried hypnotherapy a few weeks ago to help with the anxiety and the horrendous fear and sense of loss I would wake up with. Now I have read some of your blog, I realise my physical symptoms were not just 'break up' symptoms, they are the result of a form of abuse. Especially the fear and sense of dread of nothing rational; they're just there. He scares me even though he has stayed away and that was his choice. He once, during sex, inserted objects inside me that I didn't know about till it was too late. He told me not to look and because I trusted him, I didn't think anything was wrong in fact I had no idea what he was doing - it was just a sensation. Only afterwards he told me and I panicked; he just laughed. He had to help me remove them and it wasn't easy. I feel awkward for telling this on here, and ashamed for not admitting and realising this was WRONG. I did know it was wrong but dismissed it. I think my previous 4 year relationship with another N had its toll. He was obsessed with porn and pornographic acts that repulsed me and when I told him that he would grace me with long silences like he would never speak again. It was long distance so mostly - thankfully - I had to just read on text and email what he was obsessing over. I think my tolerance and acceptability goalposts moved drastically over those 4 years. I'm not shocked or surprised by anything sexual anymore, it's almost 'normal'. I find it impossible to believe that he had a loving 9 year relationship with a woman who (he says) cheated constantly on him, while he was the perfect loyal partner and the injured party. He goes from that to this??! It shouldn't bother me but I wonder how much of a better deal the other woman is getting now. All of the ''miss you's'' and ''xxx'' she puts at the end of her texts are incommensurate with a relationship where he spends much of his time with someone else. Is she kidding herself as much as I was, but 'knowing' something is wrong? Any advice on what kind of therapy I should go for would be a great help. (I live in the UK and NPD is not openly recognised here)
Sep 13 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Help for you in the U.K.

Sandra Brown, MA's institute has a therapist trained to deal with PTSD from a pathological in the UK: http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/lauriecrosbiepurchase.htm also, perutoo and Rose-Marie are in the UK I believe. They might know of other resources for you. I know all about the NHS. My best friend lives in the UK and her father is manic-depressive and the NHS has done nothing to help him, unfortunately. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck