my biggest life wake-up call so far

I met my N back in high school although he was an acquaintance at the time. My only impression of him at the time was that I thought he was attractive and mysterious. Flash forward to years later, we reconnected after having finished college. During those years in college, we only had a little talk here and there through social networking. He went to school in another state. I had dated here and there and I knew he was in and out of relationships. I obviously didn't think anything of it at the time.

When we began talking, things seemed to be starting slow. He seemed to be the type who was too shy to jump into a relationship, which was comforting. I didn't want to rush. We talked for a few weeks online, through texts and had a few phone calls before we met for our first date. He picked me up and because we were both shy, we didn't seem to talk too much. He said that it was the first time he had been on an official date in a long time - his ex was more like his friend and they met through mutual friends. At dinner we put on our best faces, I told him what I had been up to since graduating. We were both working and pursuing our dreams. We talked through dinner but I could still sense some reservation between us. I had this weird feeling but I was still intrigued and mystified by his intelligence.

Our next date was romantic, I cooked dinner for us and we spent the night eating, drinking wine, watching TV and holding hands. He looked at me in my eyes and told me that he "knew I was going to be a very important person in his life." Little did I know I was about to be thrown on the wildest four-month rollercoaster ride I had ever been on. I went through the idealization phase for a couple of months. He pursued me fiercely after that second date, was on fire "liking" every picture I had on social media, commenting on everything, texting me all the time. He didn't like it when we didn't talk, jokingly or not jokingly telling me I was neglecting him. He was already asking questions about what I wanted my wedding to be like, children's names I liked. He said "I have high expectations for us, I'm counting on you to be the last girlfriend I'll ever have." At the time, I was so caught up in the whirlwind fairytale that I didn't realize how selfish and absurd those lines sounded. I thought I had found my soulmate. We spent at least a couple of days a week together - we went to a festival at my university together, he held my hand all over the place, he knew I had the goal of getting into graduate school, adored all of me and supported my decisions - or so I thought. He said he was afraid to lose me. Our last blissful date before things started going downhill, he looked at me directly in my eyes at dinner, held my hand, and told me he was falling in love with me. I said I felt the same way.

Only a few days after that romantic date, I began to have a bad feeling of him distancing himself from me. I figured we all need our space and independence so I thought it was harmless. Then I began to realize his contradicting values and behavior, or at least I finally woke up. He said he wanted a more conservative girl but seemed to be obsessed with scantily clad women in pictures, he said he liked to be a private person but was putting all of his issues out in the open eye on social media. He was dissing all of his exes even, called them all hoes, said "I have never had an ex girlfriend not want to get back with me." I was recalling more red flags - he said he practically raised his ex girlfriend and because of one thing (infidelity supposedly), he couldn't be with her - but if she didn't commit that act he would still be with her (and at that time I was his girlfriend so it was already screwing with my mind). The story was fragmented and he was hiding a lot. I could feel it. The once loving way he spoke about his parents turned into him saying his mother is a manipulator and his dad is just a puppet. Recently I found out he proposed to his ex (the one before me) and that he went back to the other state to kick her out of his condo because he felt bad and let her live there temporarily. I really don't know what was going on but supposedly a week after he made her move out of his condo he began dating me. He had made a new Facebook page, I found out he was engaged before and had several girlfriends before me.

More red flags I finally noticed: him saying no one understood him, him saying he was such an extraordinary and unique gentleman, him hating famous people, him getting overly jealous and controlling when I spoke about other people or guys (especially celebs and entertainers), him being demeaning and calling the people he worked with stupid and incompetent all the time, him being obsessed with getting a high income, becoming CEO of the company he worked for, owning his fancy car. His view of a lot of women are that they model and don't realize how stupid they are. His ex (who was a very popular girl and worked in the entertainment industry) was one of those girls. He wanted success and prioritized money over me. He wanted to build and protect his "EMPIRE" he said. I began to realize it was ALL ABOUT HIM.

I finally began cracking and wanting to get to the bottom of all the contradictions and discontent. I asked him why he was with me. He said it was because he found me very attractive and intelligent (not real reasons about who I am, my values or anything that is really a reason as to why you are with someone). He even began to make comments about my appearance, saying that he found girls who wore eyeliner more attractive and that I should wear more. In fact, he made comments about me wearing more make-up and how I dressed when we went out on dates. He began to pick on every little thing. He began to resent my ambition and desire to help people at work, qualities he once adored when we began dating.

I had it with him when he posted yet another status griping about his exes. Why did he feel the need to talk about them and broadcast that when he was in a relationship with me? I asked him and he EXPLODED. He said I was being childish and insecure, said I was emotionally unstable. He said I was crazy. He made me feel crazy for putting my foot down. When I brought up something he said or did he said I didn't know what I was talking about. He didn't say or do any of those things. This was the fight we had right before we broke up.

He broke up with me through a TEXT MESSAGE days before my birthday that he had supposedly planned. He was going to take me to the fair and spend the whole day with me. I had even taken days off of work to spend extra time with him that weekend. He told me "we didn't click" and that "we had no depth in our relationship." He said "you're the perfect girl, you are a good girl but something is missing." It made me feel even more inadequate and worthless. This happened in just a matter of a couple of weeks after our last romantic date. I had a feeling something is wrong but I was too weak to act on my bad feelings and red flags. A few weeks later, he was already dating someone else. He was parading her in front of me and I heard from our mutual HS friends he was playing the victim on his Facebook page, saying I never "gave him butterflies" and that "I'll make someone happy someday."

Two months ago, I felt like I got hit with a sack of bricks. I thought my world had come crashing down. The gaslighting, twisting my words and making my conflict about him made me feel insane. I had opened my heart and soul to this guy, he knew I had been hurt before my guys who have left me with no remorse (a dangerous cycle).

THIS WAS A HUGE WAKE UP CALL for me. I realize I had been engaging in a cycle of going out with guys who took me for granted and used me. All I want is to spoil the guy I care about, make him feel special - I was an ideal victim to these N's.

The other huge realization was that - I'm almost one hundred percent certain MY FATHER HAS NPD. I didn't see this clearly until now. All of these years he has psychologically abused me and my mother. I am competition to my dad, he acts like a child most of the time, and every special day I've had he has tried to ruin or has made me upset. He makes me and my mom cry with no remorse. He has called me and my mom every insulting name anyone can call someone, just yesterday he called me a "worthless piece of sh*t." He said I owe all my success to him. Everything good that happened in our lives is because of HIM. My mom and I became co-dependent. I modeled myself after her becoming a doormat and emotional slave to my dad. He is controlling and abusive. I still watch him berate and belittle my beautiful mom. I was told how vibrant and beautiful she was when they met as teenagers but she seems to be the shell of a woman she could have been. My dad is so jealous because she has friends and is loved by others, but it makes me sad that she still seeks validation from him. He never tells us he loves us. She does everything for him and even apologizes for his mistreatment of her. But that is her choice and as an adult now, I have MY CHOICE.

I had a taste of what my life would have been like with an N and I never want to experience it again. I even told my mom, "he's just like dad and I don't like it at all." I AM LUCKY that it ended before I invested anything more. My faith was shaken tremendously and I spent countless nights crying myself to sleep but I know now that I need to have firm boundaries and follow my instincts. I CANNOT REPEAT HISTORY. This was the ultimate lesson that made me see the light.

Two months after the ordeal, I am learning to focus on myself finally. I will pursue my graduate school goal, I am working and pursuing what I want to do (which I am eternally grateful for). I have the opportunities. In the end, I am thankful. 24 years growing up with a narcissist and one painful lesson with an ex-N shook some sense into me. I will recover and I will get better. I empathize with all of the women who have gone through this, including my mom who is continuing to deal with it. I am glad you all have found strength to find gratitude in your painful ordeal. I am still learning and healing. It still hurts, but I'm getting there. I will break out of this abusive cycle and I'm getting stronger every single day.

With love and gratitude,
-E