My New Birth of Reality

Hi! I am so happy to have found this site. It has already helped me sooo much! Not until recently did I even have a clue as to what's been happening. All I knew was that I was close to having a complete nervous breakdown and had been having suicidal thoughts. At 41, I am a new Mama, and having had a devoted Mother myself, I knew this would be the most important role of my life. The radical change in lifestyle and focus was very hard because it required core changes. When I met my husband 7 years ago, he completely swept me off my feet! A couple of months into our courtship he asked me where on Earth I would like to go...pick anywhere! I chose Italy and we flew off. While there he asked me to marry him in La Scala OperaHouse and presented me with a beautiful large diamond. He was so sweet, supportive, romantic. At 35, I thought all the good guys my age were already taken. A dream come true. We were married 6 months after meeting. Of course, things deteriorated a couple of months after we married and eventually I found myself the most miserable I had ever been. I was stunned by his rage and viciousness, by the degree of his calculated abuse. After exhausting myself trying to fight back and counteract his abuse I began to believe I was crazy, worthless, low-class, lazy, etc. After my son was born I got extremely weak, lost lots of weight and was scary-skinny, my hormones and thyroid were off, and I began to crack. During all of this my husband laid it on heavier and heavier. I was hospitalized for 3 days in a psychiatric hospital. I was very sick. That was last summer. Recently, this last month has been brutal. But, finally it hit me that he is a monster and that I am still a good, smart, loving, capable person and this is all a mind-trip he has been playing on me. I suppose being a mama to my son has brought out the essential survivor in me. My husband has told me that if I try to leave him he would do everything in his power to take my son from me. He told me that he's sorry, but he just cannot let me have him, that I cannot cope and he has to look out for him. He knows that he can bring to my knees with that because as all women know, there is NOTHING worse than someone threatening to take your child. It does not help that he is an attorney. I alson worry about the damage that he will do to my child just by being in his life and am already making plans to get him counseling in the future. Of course there is sooo much more to tell, like the types of abuse and manipulation that he employs, their effects on me and my family, etc., but I think this gives the basic gist, which is exactly like many other stories/experience I've read of on this site! I am nervous for the week-end because it is much easier to avoid the n during a busy workweek. I have a couple of destinations in mind for my son and I should my husband begin raging or psychologically attacking. I am focusing on keeping and trusting my hold on reality. Thanks for listening!