My Story Katenp87
My Story Katenp87
Hi. I've been reading these stories and I'm torn on whether or not he is a narcissist or sociopath so I'll let you guys weigh in on it.
We met through an online dating website in Nov 2012 and hit it off right away. We both have careers in helping others so in addition to our careers being similiar we discovered we were also from the same small town in the midwest. We went to grade school and high school together but never knew each other-crazy! I think it was after our 3rd or 4th date he said he wanted to date exclusively because he thought I was the most beautiful woman he'd ever meet. And would send me texts all day about how pretty and smart and funny I am. How he's not sure why I'd ever go for a guy like him because I'm so much better than him. Sending me flowers and showering me with affection constantly. I was divorced for 3 years when I met him, and was in a dysfunctional somewhat abusive marriage and her knew this. He would say things like 'I can't believe I had to go 2200 miles from home to meet my soulmate' and 'I have never felt this love before. I settled in my marriage-I found true love with you.' He also knew I was insecure about my body and would always tell me how much he loved my body and how he was so attracted to me. Our sex life was amazing-he would tell me he wanted to be the best lover I ever had.
In Feb/March we started talking about moving in together and he was totally on board. We were seeing each other whenever we could but sometimes it was hard because I worked nights and am in a doctorate program. But we spoke everyday and saw each other as much as we could.
During this time, I would have some 'meltdowns' as he calls them to where I would have a defense mechanism response to something and try to back off or slow down-to protect myself from exposing my heart and getting hurt. We never would break up-I would take a day or two (max) to work thru my anxiety and he was telling me he would do anything to get thru my layers.
We celebrated my birthday, his borthday, my kids birthdays. He helped me with picking up my kids and vice versa. We would still have arguments but again we never broke up.
We finally found a house to move in together in August 2013 and it was a difficult transition. We had discussed the different ways we parent, discipline, etc but it was way more difficult. We were arguing more then ever (before this it really wasn't often that we would fight).
I found a conversation on his email one night (he left it open on my computer-and I just looked through his chats because I was curious-I never thought he was doing something wrong. But it was open and I decided to look. I found a conversation he had with his friend saying "Marry the first time for love, second for money.' Which I blew a gasket at-I woke him up and he told me is just a saying and he didn't mean it. That all guys talk like that to their friends and I was over reacting. He allegedly told his mom about it (which also bothered me) and I expressed my feelings of not wanting him to talk to his mom when we have issues. I felt like it would cause problems between her and I. So he said he wouldn't do that any more.
He had continuous problems with his ex-wife, and he always would portray her in a negative light (which I do think there is truth in) and how he was just the good guy who couldn't catch a break. Long story short-I caught him in numerous lies about what he would tell her and the parenting coordinator. I had the inclination to get on his ipad while he was at work and look in his email at messages he would send her, then alter them and send them to me saying 'here's what I sent'. I found many of these instances. And kept asking him why he would lie to which his response would always be "because you react and get angry so I'm trying to protect you". Could that be true? Maybe?
We took a very intimate romantic trip in October and had a wonderful time. It was everything and more as far as a vacation could be! (I paid for almost the entire trip-hotel, airfare, excursions and dinners/groceries). As soon as we got home is when things changed. More fighting-seemed to stem from things involving his ex. Then I started discovering things like more emails with lies, he would talk to his mom about things and tell me he wasn't. I surprised him with my kids when he took his kids to meet his mom in California, and I distinctly remember thinking "I wonder if he came here to meet someone on the side" because his reaction was not excited, he would go run and then spend time in the room then rather with me or everyone. And he made a slip up in a conversation referring to something I said, which I clearly didn't say. I called him out and he somehow walked his way out of it. He pulled back SO much that weekend. I was in shock and so upset because I thought he would have been ecstatic to have me surprise him.
I kept checking his email and texts, and would find little things. We kept fighting. I kept searching for stuff to catch him in lies. I had booked a trip to our hometown for a family wedding and he told me he spoke with his ex about switching custody for that weekend and got the time off work. That week he told me he didn't know if he'd be able to come because he had training his boss put him in. To which I said if you took the time off work then why would he do that? His response-I don't know. We were arguing over something and I told him that it would be better if he didn't go-but it was because I was angry. I did want him to come with me because he would have met my whole family. He said at one point during the week that he was going to go, then that he wasn't. I found an email he sent to his parenting coordinator stating some BS of how his dad was sick and he asked his ex to take his kids so he could go home to see him and she said No. So in my head I thought he never told his ex about going to Chicago, probably was hoping to tell some crazy lie and then get her to take his kids out of sympathy. He convinced me I was crazy and was SO angry that I checked his email. He didn't end up going with me. ANd said he had plans of going to a jewelry store with me to look at engagement rings while we were home.
I decided after Thanksgving (for whatever reason) to look at the browsing history on his Ipad (he would always take it to the bathroom for 30-45 minutes at a time) and found out he was looking for cute single girls on a dating website. This through me into a full blown panic attack. Rather than confront him in person, I confronted him over text (STUPID) which gave him the opportunity to tell me I was crazy, and make up an excuse like 'my friend told me to look on there when I feel bad about us bc all the girls are crazy and I'd appreciate you!' He stuck to that excuse (still will) and when I saw him in person he tried to tell me he didn't talk to any girls, didn't have a profile, etc. I was dumb enough to believe it.
After that, I was in detective mode. I checked his phone, email, etc. I discovered he had been telling his mom everything after telling me he didnt and that was enough for me to say-I'm out. I took my kids to a hotel for the weekend and emailed our landlord saying we were going to break the lease. His mom text/called and I tild her what had happened-she didn't know the whole story and I told her. I ended up going home the following Monday when we talked and he told me he couldnt afford the house we lived in and he wanted to move back to the suburb where his kids were in school at. I said that was fine. He didnt ask me to move with him because of logistics for my job (so he says) but if he gave me the choice I would have said I would for the time being.
We had our year anniversary in December and because we were a little shaky I didn't go all out but I got him a card and a cookie cake. He got me nothing. Zero.
That's when I told him to just move out and get an apartment or whatever he wanted. So his mom was in town, she paid for everything and he moved out.
I was in disbelief and shock. I emailed him and told him it wasn't what I wanted but I wanted to be civil sinc he was still responsible for the house. He told me he leoved me blah blah blah. SO we agreed to try again. The holidays came and he had no money to get me anything, but I did get him a gift card for new shoes. Christmas is hard because I lost my mother 3 years ago on 12/27, and I was emoitional. He came to my house and was so concerned about his own shit with his ex he never stopped to ask me how I was doing. He wouldn't talk to me because he was too upset about fighting with her. This was so hurtful.
I think it was 2 days later I had discovered in his email inbox (which he thought were deleted) his registrations to dating websites going back to MARCH. And JULY. And conversations he intiated with women, getting their phone numbers. I called one and she confirmed they went out but she thought he was creepy. I blew up his phone to which he claims he was sleeping and didn't get the messages. And told me it was because I had meltdowns. There were only 2 girls, and no physical contact (the girl I sopke with said they didn't sleep together)
He apologized and told me he would do anything to get me back, he was afraid of falling in love, and realized he messed up but he was never physical with the 2 girls. Said they went to happy hours at it was in Feb/March. (We were together during that time-I had a breast cancer scare in March as did shut him out to protect myself and him-but we never broke up. And he sent me 3 different flower arrangements in March). That they were the only ones and he was so sorry.
I found another girls name that he was tied to and emailed her to which I got no response initially. I had told him I was done. I changed my phone number, and was 7 days into NC when his mom messaged me on FB saying he told her I was the one and he lost me. I WAS PISSED and broke the NC and text/called him from my new number (STUPID!). He claimed the other girl I found out about was someone he went out with before me and hadnt talked to. I wasn't too sure but he is SO convincing. He had an overnight in a town not far from where we are and he offered to pay for my flight to spend the night with him-I told him no. I had friends in town that weekend and that wasn't going to happen.
Longstory short-my friends came in town, saw me all messed up sent him a text on my phone saying leave me alone to which he did and I of course got in touch when we had too much wine at dinner with my BFFs. He tried to tell me he saw a counsleor and the counselor told him he had found true love and we could make this work. He then told me this week that he did get introduced to the 3rd girl I discovered but his friend gave her his number and he should have told him no, or told her no when she text him. He denied meeting her solo but said she and her friends met him and his guy friends out during a guys night. I emailed her again, and got a response. They got set up, went out to dinner just the 2 of them and she never toaled to him again. So he made up a complete lie when he could have told the truth.
When I told him I talked to her, he responded saying 'I'm not doing this back and forth stuff with you. I'm blocking you so you can move on." To which I said "No-you're a liar. A sociopath and I'm blocking YOU!"
Of course I get an email yesterday saying the 'counselor' told him to email me an apology and ask for forgiveness. It was filled with all of the amazing moments we had. How am I not supposed to believe that?
So now we are in contact again, and I don't know if I am throwing him into a category he doesn't belong in? That maybe he's just made a mistake and I could be losing the man I've loved like no other? I'm torn because he keeps telling me he loves me, he's sorry, he made a mistake, and no one will love me like he does.
Is he the N?
Thanks for reading ladies....