N reactions to NC

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#1 Jul 19 - 3PM

N reactions to NC

He is supposed to bring our daughter to my home by 6pm. I walked outside the door & there was his car at my neighbor's across the street. So walked over, C came running to me when she saw me. I hugged her & we turned toward my house & crossed the street.

His email he sent at 1:30am
**************************
M,
You once again chose the "low road" given the opportunity to be civil in front of C(daughter). Even prior to us leaving her neighbor V's property today at 5:50pm (before she was due at home), you tried to wisk her out of my hands. It was surprising to say the least because I do not know where you even came from, unless you were milling around his property upon seeing my car in the street.
Have you know idea how hateful and bitter you look in front of C? You are trying to alienate me in front of her while simultaneously setting an awful example. I have asked for civility and some form of greeting exchange for 9 months now. This simply cannot go on any longer. You are making the conscious decision to act badly in front of C and make things as difficult as possible. While I continue to compliment you to her during our time, you treat me like I never existed. I am her father and always will be right there for her, so the sooner that you end your poisonous path, the better for all of us. For all the bizarre behavior from you I put up with over the years, this is the most egregious and the least forgivable because you are using our daughter as a means to grind your ax.

#2 Jul 21 - 6PM

Susan32

Crazy-making

When I went NC on my ex-Psychopath professor-I didn't give him my new address or phone number-- he tried to get my attention by sabotaging my teaching job (he had given a personal letter of recommendation so I got accepted into the program in the first place-he even said I'd be a great teacher) I got a call at 9:30 at night--long after the usual office hours for professors--telling me NOT to come back and that I was a "threat to children." I maintained NC and a couple of months later moved to Oregon (he didn't know) THAT was crazy-making. I found it very calculated in retrospect. I volunteered at an elementary school for 2 years without incident. He didn't sabotage that. But that was because I was still a student, and he could've destroyed his own career that way. A Narc can wreak havoc obliviously, but a Psych does it ON PURPOSE.

#3 Jul 20 - 10AM

wholeagain

Rolling my eyes

So familiar and my heart rate went up reading it. NC was a killer for the ex N from what I heard a while back. He would still wander around town with that confused look on his face, NO IDEA why I would up and leave, etc. Meanwhile he's still sending nastygrams which unbeknownst to him weren't ever even seen by me. LOL! There was some sweet justice in that. What a tool this guy is.

#4 Jul 19 - 10PM

lynn61

M

uhggg...reading this almost killed me! the word usage and the covert way of manipulating the words and directing the blame is exactly the way my soon to be xN husband has talked to me through email since i left him. it still blows my mind to see how text book it all really is-yikes.

really??

#5 Jul 21 - 12AM (Reply to #32)

loveofmylife

Awful email

Yes, this is an awful email. And I'm curious....do any of you notice the dr. jekyl/mr hyde thing going on in personal vs. email. N would be so sweet and polite to me in person and I'd receive an email 10 minutes later that had this same hateful tone. It happened all the time, I thought I was going crazy! How can someone seem so happy and sweet to your face and then rip you about 10 minutes later by email? It was like he was hiding behind it. I grew to HATE receiving emails from him whereas before I'd be so excited to get one!

#6 Jul 19 - 10PM

lynn61

M

really??

#7 Jul 19 - 9PM

gettingbetter

He wants to "enforce" how you greet him. OMG!

what an ass! Only a narc or a lawyer will use gratuitously big words to impress or intimidate. He was probably up til 1:30 a.m. looking up all the multi-syllable words in the dictionary and thesaurus. And then he's got the flat-out gall to dictate what your facial expression and demeanor should be? Let his little play be a solo performance. It'll flop with no one to return his lines. You could wear sunglasses when he's around to hide your expressions. Just make sure you push them up your nose with your middle finger as he pulls out of the driveway. Take care. Don't let the turkey get you down.

#8 Jul 20 - 12AM (Reply to #29)

"enforce"

My facial expression is a big smile at the sight of my daughter and arms open for a big hug. Then I turn my back & she & I walk away together. The "big" words crack me up. I have a MBA, member of Phi Beta Kappa & out-scored him by 300 pts on the SAT. He's barely graduated from college. He's having a tough time because his guy friends that know me can't figure out why he divorced me & tell him such.

#9 Jul 19 - 5PM

Aliveagain

How many of you does it piss

How many of you does it piss off though that in written form they make themselves seem so 'normal' that others reading their cr*p question the claims you make of them. How do you deal with that? Also, I don't know about any of you but I played games with mine. I tried to beat him at his own game. Initially I thought he was just a bit of a player and was relishing what I thought was good old 'cat n mouse'...he was playing an entirely different game and I was only a novice. Re the fact that we always claim they are emotionally retarded how can this be when they know how to manipulate so well. you know? I do wonder about whether their only emotions are fear and anger. If you can't empathise and understand anothers emotions how can you manipulate? Even if learned how can they know exactly what to say when/where/how...etc? I wonder what it must be right to raise a N kid! Anyone else here have the most INTENSE sexual attraction to their nutcase? I read recently this is due to their excess testosterone levels. Some build a time-machine please, I'd set it to 2 years ago!

#10 Jul 19 - 6PM (Reply to #18)

AnotherPath

Because they've lived in

Because they've lived in "their act" so long that they're act is just a response to all situations. They think "let me see, do I react with my response B, C or D or do I think response E would work better in this instance" They've spent their lives getting to know what women "want" to hear, it's not from a place of authenticity, it's a place from manipulation and they've mastered that over the years. They have a long history perfecting their false self, every second every minute every day every year. It's the act. Without the "act" they have no idea how to be. We fall for the act so fast and hard because we believe it to be real, it's so perfected without any flaws just so "amazing" that a man can come out with this "WOW" we want to believe it because it seems so real.........more like polished. "Wow this man just said all the things I wanted to hear" which is great for him, it means response D was the right answer. They need to "look" normal so they've perfected this too because they know deep down they're not and to show this doesn't convince anyone and they end up isolated, they do this so much that in the end their act actually becomes real for them because they do it so much. They're on automatic. Unfortunately, when situations arise when there needs to be anything outside they're "act" or response D they don't know what to do. It's multiple choice time....... don't dare to ask them something not on their list, because the only thing off their list is abuse. The real "them"

Ending the dance

#11 Jul 19 - 6PM (Reply to #27)

AnotherPath

And just think of it this

And just think of it this way. If you practiced the piano for 18 hours a day for 25+ years, you wouldn't make too many bum notes, you'd be pretty good at it. It's called perfection of the art. That's all they've done, know wonder they're bloody good at it. Shame they don't come out with a sonata at the end it though.

Ending the dance

#12 Jul 19 - 6PM (Reply to #20)

Aliveagain

You just reminded me, I

You just reminded me, I remember emailing mine when we first met and I said "It's like you mimic normal human behaviours, I feel as though I'm talking to your idealised self, not who you really are, but surely under there is someone else who really wants to be known and can't be that bad". He told me not to take my emotional intellect for granted and to exploit it! I still persisted in thinking I could tame the beast. I feel like I have this crazy bullshit mechanism but even when I KNEW what I was dealing with - which was before I was dealing with it - I went there ANYWAY. I just found him irresistible. It was so ridiculous. Admittedly I didn't know that he would abuse me - even though he already had! - I thought that he just needed loving and to be able to trust....because (and this is almost so ridiculously cliched now) he had "been abused in his childhood".

#13 Jul 19 - 6PM (Reply to #21)

AnotherPath

It's the woman in you. We

It's the woman in you. We are the nurturing species....... not a bad thing, just we need to learn when it's appropriate........... babies and small children.......... and what do narcs show up as "small hurt little boys" . My exN was abused as a child, milked it to death to gain sympathy and supply, great hook for women. So why wasn't he big enough to go beyond his abuse and heal, we're all having to since being with them, and where's the "abused little boy" now...... re-playing his childhood and abusing women and he thinks this is ok. At least we're big enough to enter the healing journey however painful. He isn't, he's stuck in his shit and re-playing and re-playing, we're just so much stronger than them. They actually have no power, we have, we will heal without inflicting pain onto others.

Ending the dance

#14 Jul 20 - 7PM (Reply to #22)

Aliveagain

This is where my

This is where my pathological desire to help comes in... I agree re them milking the sympathy vote with their supposed childhood abuse and that we are stronger for not inflicting our pain on another. Do you think that this could be to do with the fact that we experienced this as adults whereas if we were to have experienced these types of things growing up - and been susceptible to developing NPD - that it could have been us behaving like this now? I struggle here because this genuinely makes me sad for them. Not sad enough to stick around and get abused but I almost feel like I can't be angry at them because they are so beyond my anger, their actions though comprehensible to them on a certain level are not comprehensible to them as they are to you or I. Imagine what it must be like to live in such a desolate emotional landscape. If as reported they only feel rage, envy, control, fear their lives must be hell. I'm certainly not excusing the pain they inflict nor the emotional hell us victims live in just that this very knowledge saddens me. Although I think scientifically the jury is out on whether its nature or nurture what do you guys think? An outcome of upbringing or biological or a bit of both? I tend to sway to events/upbringing and the reason for this is that the experience I have had with him has changed me. Rewired my brain - hopefully temporarily - however, if I had lived this since childhood god only knows!

#15 Jul 20 - 7PM (Reply to #26)

NancyM

Some of us did

Some of us did live with this since childhood, and on finally understanding Ns I really needed to know why I was not one, or if I really was a covert N, ie one that genuinely went looking for Ns. From my perspective, I may not have experienced the high level of shock that many who are blindsided have experienced. To me a lot of the behavior fell into the "normal" "that's just what men do" category. Like I mentioned before, after a lifetime of this I actually feel more relieved to have Ns explained rather than total WTFFF if that makes sense. I do not aspire that N is a developmental problem. If it was I think they would have found a cure by now. Obviously the children of Ns will come away with emotional problems, but if they are going to be Ns then they were born with it in my opinion.

Nevergoback

#16 Jul 20 - 7PM (Reply to #23)

Lisa E. Scott

Aliveagain

I feel sorry for them. It doesn't excuse their behavior or make me willing to stay, but I absolutely feel sorry for them. I know my EXNH was not happy underneath it all. He told me such. He told me he felt like a fraud more than once. I do believe they envy our ability to feel love and joy, which is why they try to destroy it whenever they see us experience it.

#17 Jul 20 - 7PM (Reply to #24)

Aliveagain

The saddest thing I think my

The saddest thing I think my exN said to me when he met me was - and no, I don't think this was a line nor lie (plenty of other ego-boosting things though) was "Wow, I wish a woman like you would describe a man like me like that". After I described my finacee at the time. He seemed so vulnerable and so wanting of love I remember thinking 'this poor guy, wtf happened to him, I want to care for him'. ...Who I broke up with because I couldn't resist my feelings for the N. No, I didn't leave for the N per se, though I felt like something was wrong to have had feelings for anyone, let alone an N. He just felt like the most amazing man I'd ever met. Even though my gut instinct was going "Something really really not right with this guy".

#18 Jul 21 - 9PM (Reply to #25)

tigger73

I too felt something was

I too felt something was very wrong with my N. I stayed married to him for 10 very long abusive years, always feeling sorry for him. I knew there was something wrong within weeks of dating. Why I couldnt pull myself away, I dont know. I just couldn't. He was too wonderful and mysterious and the fact that HE wanted me, with his majical powers.....I must have been really special. I found out just how special I really was the first time I was hit in the face, or lifted up against a wall. I am ashamed of what I stayed in. Flat out ashamed. Finally, a therapist said to me, "why do you think you were put on this earth to endure this"......"do you really think God created YOU to stay and FIX him.". And then she said this....."Is this really the best way for you to spend your time???? And your life?????? Oh my God ladies, I was not living, I was surviving. I was trying to keep myself and 3 kids SURVIVING. Survive and thrive at the same time is really tough to do and takes a lot of energy. Despite him, the kids and I did it, and we are now out. What a !@!@!@$%$%^%&^#$$@!~#^%&^&^$&^$#$#%$#&% he is. Do I feel sorry for him??? Terribly. I truly do, and I will go to my grave feeling sorrow for him, and what he endured as a young child. I have a young boy, and I grieve for what my exHN went thru, and I would kill someone if they EVER, one time treated my son the way my ex was treated his entire childhood. But it took my anger to get me out, and we are all healthier. I am sorry for him, but that does not mean I have to be his victim. I just couldnt do it anymore.

#19 Jul 19 - 6PM (Reply to #19)

AnotherPath

Sorry replied to wrong post

Sorry replied to wrong post please ignore the above it makes no sense to this post. x Ok Just realised I didn't reply to the wrong post, have no idea how to delete post so this is still up SORRY

Ending the dance

#20 Jul 19 - 5PM

Bodhi

Wow

What a lunatic. It is so glaringly obvious that he is looking for a reaction. Don't give him one.

#21 Jul 19 - 4PM

AnotherPath

Jesus.........our N's M are

Jesus.........our N's M are the SAME people......... exact wording I would get, no joke EXACT, it's really hilarious. The exact arrogance, trying to be the intellectual, I'm so in control of the situation (duh no your not) which is ALL your fault. Little do they know they've been had, we KNOW what they are. He's enraged by NC, it hits him to the very core and he just can't cope with it at all. He's enraged you've taken control, he's spitting. Fabulous and hilarious. I know we do NC for us but to get results like this on top is priceless........ I'd just laugh my head off when I got all this from the exN. Unfortunately they do get boring and irritating with this after a while, but while you can, just have the biggest laugh about it. Pompous prick, just can't stand that he can't control you any more.

Ending the dance

#22 Jul 19 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

anotherpath

Is that not an example of projection at it's finest?? He titled it "YOUR BAD BEHAVIOR".

#23 Jul 19 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

AnotherPath

Yeah they're so obvious.

Yeah they're so obvious. I'm guessing yours is a cerebal one too. Once you get them, they're intelligence just flies out of the window when it comes to emotional intelligence. They're just SO obvious. Yeah they can be great with computers, read and get manuals in two seconds and write good letters. But when it comes to emotional stuff, whether on a page or face to face, they're just so completely incapable. Mr Projection machine shouts his mouth off once again. I actually got one of his emails printed it up then replaced my name with his name over the top and re-read it, you get a great insight into what's going on with their own inner world. When you do this, you actually see some truth for the first time when you read it, because they're actually talking about themselves. Try it and you'll see what I mean

Ending the dance

#24 Jul 19 - 3PM

Scoop

Nice one ... it does get to

Nice one ... it does get to them it just takes time ...lol Well done for the no contact , this email is a scream !

#25 Jul 19 - 3PM

Lisa E. Scott

M

Wow, Briseis is so right: "A narc's greatest fear is oblivion, not being noticed, being invisible. It is so intolerable that they either attack you viciously (because any attention is better than none) or they run off to seek other supply to avoid feeling invisible." He cannot stand the indifference you are showing him. I love it!! Keep it up. Do NOT respond to him. He is just trying to get a rise out of you so you will respond. Remember: Indifference - he is nothing to you!

#26 Jul 19 - 3PM

Briseis

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! I am so

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! I am so impressed :D NC can deliver a nasty narcissistic wound. A narc's greatest fear is oblivion, not being noticed, being invisible. It is so intolerable that they either attack you viciously (because any attention is better than none) or they run off to seek other supply to avoid feeling invisible. I've had three years of NC with my exN, and two of those years hardly count because he doesn't know where I am. I know where he is, roughly (in prison again). I got an RO so I was legally restrained from contacting him, and I abided by that. He did not. I don't really know what NC did to him except through third party messages that either indicated he was furious and condemning (like yours) or trying to pretend nothing happened at all, or it was no big deal. Mostly the former. I hope you see how bottomlessly stupid his email to you was. He is desperately trying to find a way to make you react. I would completely ignore his accusations, they are complete and utter nonsense and you know it, even he knows it. NC "hurts" narcs in such a way that they seek other sources of supply, and fast. He can only send so many of these letter until he gets tired of trying to bait you. Be ready for him to not let this happen again, though. He will keep a hold of your daughter and "force" you to face him. You can still smile politely, refuse to engage, and wait patiently for him to let go of her. Take a friend with you next time, or insist upon the handover happening in a public place, he will be less likely to act out and embarrass himself that way.

#27 Jul 20 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

Briseis

His new act is that of divorced single dad who "loves" his daughter. The same guy who partied all night & left me to take care of her. I joked that if I ever had to be single mom, I could do it. And here I am---an managing just fine. Ok so he takes her to ice skating lessons. I'm glad she enjoys them. Reality? It's 45 less minutes he has to interact with her--- and he can brag to the teacher. Plus he's in HUGE debt! I don't know where he has the money.

#28 Jul 19 - 3PM (Reply to #2)

I have a whole folder

....of such emails. I have a mini RO on him for exchages at my house--the "honk & seat belt" order. He cannot undo his seatbelt & honks the horn. He likely came by early, saw that my neighbor was having a BBQ & crashed it. My neighbor had invited me earlier, but I had other plans. I only email him facts/logistics regarding our daughter. He wrote it at 1:30 in the morning. When does he sleep?

#29 Jul 19 - 4PM (Reply to #9)

AnotherPath

I've got 2 years of the same

I've got 2 years of the same emails. They SO not unique are they. He stopped when I once I took the emails to the police, the week he signed MY house over. He then had to get new supply he now acts as I do indifferent, but as Briseis points out it's an act, a result of my indifference. In fact I'd never thought it as an act but she's right, he can't possibly show that he's bothered because I'm not, but he probably still is in some narc sick way. I do hand overs with the kids and don't look in his direction, although sometimes look in my car mirror to see if he's reverted back to the really fat bingeing biscuit gorger that he was with me. And oh yes, last saturday could see the cellulite piling back on.

Ending the dance

#30 Jul 19 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

Happy1

My narc doesn't sleep

My narc doesn't sleep either. Does the devil ever rest? no

#31 Jul 19 - 5PM (Reply to #8)

sleep

I guess they truly are vampires

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