Narcissists & Relationships
Narcissists & Relationships
Narcisstic personalities tend to have an inflated sense of self, does not respond well to criticism, criticizes others, manipulates, inability to empathize with others, attention seeking.
From the DSM:
The clinical criteria is: A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by 5 (or more) of the following:
1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
believes that he or she is “special†and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
3. requires excessive admiration
4. has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
5. is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
6. lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
7. is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
8. shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
Personality disorders, especially cluster 2, are very difficult to overcome and make the partner of the person who has them pretty miserable.
NOTE: Approx 75% of those with NPD are male. NPDs make up about 2-15% of the clinical population (people actively seeking services from mental health providers) and about 1% of the general population. Although “narcissistic defense mechansims†might be common (having some of the criteria), having true NPD is much less common.
Axis II Cluster 2 personalities tend to abuse the people they are in relationships with. For the life of me I don’t understand why the DSM doesn’t list abuse of others as a criteria for NPDs. I would bet the house that every narcissist abuses almost everyone in their life.
Partners of Narcissists
I tend to disagree with studies I’ve read that healthy, stable people can find themselves in relationships with narcissists or borderlines. Most healthy people would intuitively RUN from relationships with these people. I can see how someone can “seem†to have it altogether but has unfinished business or some other self-doubt that attracts a narcissist or borderline and the doubt grows and grows as a result of the treatment/abuse by the narcissist.
But a common partner of a narcissist is someone who is a perennial victim or martyr. Another common partner of a narcissist is someone who gets their self worth from the narcissist’s self-aggrandizing. In other words the narcissist thinks he or she is something special and the partner wants to be with someone special therefore they will be someone special. (complicated to describe).
However, there are people who are perfectly normal and reasonably happy who get sucked in by narcissists because they really haven’t been exposed to such crazy people and cannot fathom for one New York second that anyone is as crazy as narcissists are. This is more of a naive thing. Not terribly unhealthy but not healthy in the sense of having their people skills honed and ready. A very trusting, docile person can get involved with (and run over by) a narcissist. But even there the involvement reveals things that need to be worked on (naivete, for one). Smarten up, thicken the skin, put on your street smart glasses and refuse to be suckered in by a charmer.
Victims need more rigorous intervention. Therapy, tough love, and a complete withdrawal from the person with a personality disorder. If someone has been sucked into a relationship with a person with a personality disorder, especially cluster 2 personality disorder, my recommended first line of treatment is GET AWAY FROM THEM AND STAY AWAY FROM THEM. Otherwise you’re never going to get well.
As discussed on the comments in another thread, I read the book 'The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists.' I do find it dangerous that she suggests therapy with people who have NPD but she seems to waver throughout the book as to whether she wants to address people with TRUE NPD (evaluated as having an Axis II diagnosis) and people who have “narcissistic defense mechanisms.†I was a clinician and trained in the DSM and had trouble keeping straight what she was talking about.
A true NPD is not only going to be immune to couples therapy but I would bet my house that in 99 percent of the cases they use the therapy against their partner and maybe even against the therapists. I’ve seen therapists manipulated by narcissists more times than I care to recount.
When I worked in Emergency Psychiatric Services our evaluations always commented on the person’s “insight†meaning their ability to understand their own problems. When a person has an Axis II, esp cluster 2, diagnosis, it was fairly usual to see “lacks insight†on their eval. A person who lacks insight cannot change because they don’t know how to change. My experience with NPDs is they don’t want to change.
Borderlines and narcissists, especially narcissists, do not give up their victims easily. They do not respond well to rejection and it is part of the overblown sense of self that causes them to reel someone back in. It has NOTHING TO DO with any “feelings†they have toward their victim because they don’t have any (I don’t care WHAT they say, the feelings are NOT PRESENT.)
NPDs have NO ABILITY TO LOVE and NO ABILITY to EMPHATHIZE and NO ABILITY to be SORRY and NO ABILITY to CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY HAVE DONE WRONG TO YOU.
Most narcissists will make you believe it is ALL YOUR FAULT. It is RARELY their fault. The world is wrong -- not them. Most of the time they keep their victim in one place with blame and a constant erosion of any self-worth the victim might muster. Occasionally they will say they 'love you' and they are 'sorry' but ONLY as a last resort.
If they say they are sorry or they love you or they care it is merely part of the game. BELIEVE NONE OF IT. Narcissists are PATHOLOGICAL LIARS and will say whatever they have to in order to keep their victim where they want her (or him but most [around 85 percent] narcissists are men).
Getting out is not easy but it really has to be done if you ever hope to have even a semblence of happiness
As I’ve said in other posts about getting way from your abuser, make sure you have a PLAN and you can stay SAFE. Abusers often kill or severely harm the person trying to leave.
PLEASE TALK TO A DOMESTIC ABUSE SPECIALIST OR CALL THE 800 NUMBERS HERE: 1 800 799 SAFE which is 1 800 799 7233.
in their talons......
This says it all!
Narcissists & Relationships
Narcissists & Relationships
Narcissists & Relationships
sad
NPD Info
able to manipulate therapists
Unable to detach
i am 53
Heart
exactly!
Relationships & Narcs