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Need Help with Assertiveness

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#1 Nov 24 - 9AM
swallowedcanary
swallowedcanary's picture

Need Help with Assertiveness

I've been separated from my narcissistic husband for a month. I caught him with another woman and he showed no look of guilt or remorse. He continued calling me throughout the week so I thought he was wanting to work things out and then I caught him with her again a week later. He called our son and told him that it wasn't as it appeared. Said he had told this woman he could no longer talk to her or see her and that she just "appeared" at his door and they went next door to a neighbors. Our own son (21) said that his dad had called him because he felt that if he could convince our son that it was innocent then my husband would be able to manipulate me. We had already been living apart because of the distance of his work. When I caught him the first time the neighbor referred to this other woman as his "wife".

I mailed him a list of our debt and how I want things split as well as wanting alimony. He has been amicable throughout but called this morning with a different tone. He knows the kids and I went for counseling for the first time last night so he wanted to know all about that and felt we were wasting our time. He also said that he didn't have time at the moment but that he wanted us to talk this afternoon because there were going to have to be some revisions to the list. He has been stalling me and so I haven't file yet. I have an appointment with an attorney for tomorrow and I made sure that I got the best attorney just in case it becomes contested although husband said he wanted it to be uncontested. He also said at the beginning that he didn't want us even using an attorney. haha The attorney I'm seeing was referred to me by two other attorneys that I know.

Please!!! Help give me some backbone to stand up to him this afternoon. He's driving home to pick up our 21 year old son for the holidays. I feel as if I need my son there during this conversation to help me to stand up to him. On the other hand, I feel I shouldn't involve our son anymore and know that he wants to remain as neutral as possible. Our son has said that his dad will turn on me. He also said that I need the alimony in the decree although my husband "just wants to send me money" and not be legally bound. My son said the first time his dad became angry with me he would stop the support if it isn't in writing and I know that he's right. I'm terrified of the confrontation this afternoon. Am I wrong to ask my son to sit in on the conversation?

Nov 24 - 3PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

You are right to always have

You are right to always have a third party whether your son likes it or not. You son is an adult and has given you some good advice on the alimony. One of the best ways to deal with confrontation is not to say anything or if you want to talk put it in the form of a question. that is a type of arguement technique that is hard to beat! Anything that needs a response put it in a question form- for instance if he demands to know why you are doing this divorce legally just respond, Why do you think that I am doing this legally?" It puts him on the defensive and will shorten the time he will want to confront you. Naturally you are afraid you are dealing with a dangerous person. You have been brilliant in asking lawyers who they would recommend to represent you. they know who the good ones are. Once you have a lawyer the game takes a different turn and you will never have to deal with him. this is all new territory for you but so far you are doing your homework and taking yourself in a good and responsible direction. No alimony can be 'good will' it is a monetary contract and has to be legalized or you would have no proof of the terms and conditions and he would control the amount or not pay at all. Now that you are moving your life to a safe harbor start to think about working, changing other things in your life to build the future, meeting new people etc. Don't make a lot of scary changes at one time -that can cause depression or physical problems. The brain basically doesn't like change so don't think scared think thoughts that are positive. A good book is Stuart Wilde's book "Weight Loss for the Mind", any book on the Law of Attraction can bne very helpful. You are doing a terrific job and doing it with prudence and caution. Your soon to be ex telling you you don't need a lawyer tells you exactly where he is coming from-his own self interest.
Nov 24 - 2PM
itreallyisabouthim
itreallyisabouthim's picture

Yeah I agree. Prepare for

Yeah I agree. Prepare for the worst. Good for you for having a good lawyer. I would not divulge anything to him directly, nor would I involve your son. That's what lawyers are for. Good luck to you!
Nov 24 - 11AM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

swallowedcanary

I totally agree, no more talk between the two of you. This mainly is to just help you, in pursuit of the LEAST amount of contact as possible. Also, it lets him know - well, as much as can get through a narc's thick skull - that you are DONE with him and 'tell it to the judge'. He will have a much more difficult time trying to manipulate you this way. You may notice he DOES change his tune and becomes much more ugly than you can imagine...this is very typical. That's why you need a good attorney as your representative. OF COURSE he wants to settle things between the two of you, they hate rules, the law, being told what to do. He wants his way, as always. I'm sure his mouth is drooling over the thought of you being 'defenseless', legally speaking. DON'T let him do it. The most difficult thing will be his continued pressure on your son, although I must say at 21, it is an advantage over him being a small impressionable child. Just love and support him as much as you already do. And definitely STOP involving him where he doesn't want or need to be. Even at 21, sometimes kids will sacrifice what's good for THEM to keep mom/dad happy, to keep the family peace, to think they're doing the right thing, but in my opinion, is not. Let him make his own decisions, and let him know it's okay to NOT want to get in the middle of it. Right now, you want and need reinforcements in this battle, find them elsewhere. PS...your son can go out to the car by himself, period. If he asks your son, wtf?? tell your son the best thing to always say is, 'no idea, you'll have to deal with mom'. You know, if he continues pressing your son, may be better for the poor kid to just stay with you...again, he is an ADULT! Good luck!
Nov 24 - 10AM
freeat50
freeat50's picture

Needing Encouragement

Your son is right. the first time your husband becomes angry with you for something he did wrong you will be punished. Tell him you don't have time to talk today and if he will just put the changes he wants in writing you will take them to your attorney to see if he thinks they are reasonable. Do not consider going this alone without an attorney.My ex pulled this same crap. If you put up with him all these years you earned whatever you can get from him. He will screw you over. You know it's true. Do not trust him and do not make any verbal agreements with him.Particularly in front of your son. He could try to hold you to it and call your son as witness. Your son should not be in the middle.