New to this and 80 days NC

I am new to this site. I have been reading the links and your stories over and over again. They have brought me comfort and sadness all at the same time. Comfort in knowing that I am not alone and sadness in knowing others suffer just like me. I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone not even my worst enemy. I am ashamed and I blame myself for letting my ex N treat me so bad. I am 80 days NC today and still feel like we were together yesterday. At the beginning of NC I was elated, over my newfound freedom. I was so used to being controlled and manipulated that freedom felt so good. About two weeks ago I started feeling sadness set in and started missing him. Well, let me rephrase that, I miss the man I created in my head, not who he truly is. I know in my heart the N will never give that fairytale life I dreamed of to me, or anyone else. I still grieve and pray God gives me the strength to be strong for my kids. I no longer struggle with wanting to call him, I know being with him is like a death sentence and I refuse to keep the very thing God has been trying to rid me of for some time now. NC has brought me such clarity, I see things for what they truly are and not what the N wanted me to. I have learned to challenge my thoughts with truth, and I have learned that no matter what I would have, or could have done, my story would have been the same. I can now look at my ex N leaving as a BIG blessing in disguise, and I can look at meeting him as a blessing also. Without him, I would have never gone to therapy and found the real reason, I allowed him in my life in the first place. I pray for all of you who hurt and cry over these sick selfish people. I want to thank all of you who have shared your stories, because of you, I do not feel so alone.

BrokenRoad