NewPage's Story

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#1 Feb 8 - 8PM

newpage

NewPage's Story

Hello everyone,

I'm actually a little nervous posting, as I have never posted on a forum before.
I've been pouring over the message boards here for about 2 months, since I stumbled upon the forum when googling 'no empathy from ex'. (HA)

Thank you to everyone who has shared their stories. Obviously, I have drawn strength and courage from all of you- which is why I am finally brave enough to pipe up now!
I have hesitated in the past posting because I am not sure if I just fell in love some poor slob that makes bad life decisions, or if he is truly disordered. I don't know if he is an N, but I know something is wrong. I know most would say 'Well, if you have ended up here, then you know your answer.' which makes sense! But there is sometimes that lingering doubt.
I finally decided to post because I came across a few stories more recently regarding individuals working with their N's. Unfortunately, I also work with mine (or whatever he is). It is BRUTAL and has set me into a sort of personal nosedive which I am desperately trying to right.

Also, I felt like posting here would be the final nail in the coffin concerning my relationship with him. Plus we work together, and I am paranoid about my job. Argh.

I became friends with this N at work, and as he was engaged I felt like it was a 'safe' friendship. Boy, was that a fatal error. He got married (to incidentally his wife who we also work with!) and the friendship continued to blossom. Pretty quickly it got to the point where he was telling me that I was the most incredible person he had ever met, that he was falling in love with me, that I was perfect and the woman of his dreams. I backed off- but he continued to pursue me. I do have a lot of guilt for what has transpired, and I know I should have stopped it. I should have had boundaries, and not have needed his attention. (Never ever get involved with someone from work. Yes. I know.)

For 2 years we spoke all day every day at work over the computer, occasional dinners, walking home from work together- nothing physical. We tried to keep our affection for each other as discreet as possible from our coworkers. He became my best friend. I had never had anyone understand me this way, we could finish each others sentences.

It came to a point where he told me he that he was unhappy in his marriage, and that it was I who truly made him happy. That I was the right person for him. I believed this, and as he started to discuss possibly leaving his wife, I tried to be there for him as a friend. I knew he was relying on me heavily for support through this situation and I felt badly about that, as I felt I had some responsibility for causing the rift between he and his wife. He moved out of his apartment and away from his wife. We became romantically involved.

After about three months of our 'relationship', he told me he was going back to his wife to work on things. I was devastated. Very close to this time I had a very close family member had succumb to illness. I was so emotionally numb and raw from that loss that, it almost made this loss easier to deal with. I was in full on survival mode. He also seemed to genuinely care about me, and seemed to still love me. He explained to me why he was making this decision, so I felt that I had some closure to the situation. I could come to terms with it. We were on low contact, but things were still amicable.

About a month later, he contacts me again with an email declaring that that he regretted leaving me, that I was the one he wanted to be with and he FINALLY knew it. I felt tentative, but elated.

For the next year, though he was living with his wife, we continued the relationship emotionally. We were constantly texting, emailing, instant messaging at work. It came to the point where we were planning our future, and he was making the decision to move out. It was bittersweet because I grieved for him and the loss of his love with his wife. I was guilty for my part in it ending. It was emotionally draining, as I felt like I was going through the separation as well. I knew all the details of it.

Things got serious between us once he moved out, and he began talking about marriage, about our future together. We started up our romance again. This time our 'relationship' lasted about 2 months.

One day, at work through instant message, he simply states in the middle of a conversation:
'I think we should see other people.'

I was in shock. I couldn't process it. Things hadn't been perfect at the time, but I loved him and he stated he loved me. I tried to think, well he just got out of a 6 year long relationship- I should give him time and space...Surely, I could be adult enough to do that...

Inexplicably I still remained friendly with him. I guess grasping at whatever I could salvage with him. I guess I had hope that he would come back, just like last time- that I had to keep him in my life to prove how much he meant to me...I had to win him back..

That's when I found out about his budding relationship with our mutual co-worker. Not his wife who we work with, and not me- a new one. About 2 months before he had broken up with me again, our department had hired her. She and I are very similar- similar sense of humor, same interests. She is very pretty.

I went nuts. I work very closely with this woman. I work closely with him as well. We all sit within 10 feet of each other in the office. Things were never perfect with us, but no relationships ever are- I understood this. I didn't think if you loved someone you left them for the next pretty face to show you some attention. He had said he wanted to see other people, but really, our mutual coworker?

To this day the only explanation I have had from him for this was 'I don't want to be with anybody.', 'I missed my wife.' (which by the way doesn't explain the new coworker situation) and 'I think we should see other people.' We had talked about getting married! We had looked at apartments together! He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. What happened?

There was no closure. There was nothing. He refused to meet with me in person to discuss any of this.. I was given no chance plead my case with him, nor have him explain himself. I was begging him for closure. Once he said I sounded stupid for asking for closure and that he didn't 'give a fuck' about closure and for me to 'move the fuck on'. I couldn't believe this was the same person.

I sometimes cry at my desk or in the restroom and it is incredibly embarrassing. I remember at an earlier part of our relationship, he had told me that he thought I cried in order to manipulate people. Yeah, I am crying to manipulate you, not because the person I loved dumped me for two other women and told me to 'fuck off' when confronted. Yeah.

I now hear at work that he and the other coworker are full on dating. I sometimes see them come in the same time in the morning together. I watch them exchange glances and hang out at each others desks talking in low voices. It's like watching a movie about my life, only she's in the leading roll. They go the same places I used to go with him, they take lunches together- laugh at the same things we used to laugh about.

I feel used. I feel duped. I feel worthless. There are so many reasons that I know I am better off without this person in my life, but I still find myself thinking of the good times, pitying him, and all the while envying the other women in his life. I feel less than this other woman- like it was my behavior that drove him to this. I don't know the status of him and his wife. They are living separately. I don't know if papers have been filed. She has apparently given him the 'ok' for dating our coworker. I guess this is all karmic retribution coming back to get me..

I am crying as I write this. I feel like I have a knife in my gut! I am no longer speaking to him, and have went NC, yet I feel like the bad guy. He still messages me at work though I have requested that he stop- usually about something innocuous or that he thinks I will find funny. Things seem amicable enough with his wife/exwife(?) despite all that she has been through and I now feel like a real asshole for being a blubbering stinking mess who can only shoot steely glances at him or ignore him completely. Isn't he the one that has all the pain and angst- shouldn't I be feeling bad for him and his loss and decisions? That's honestly the way i feel- like I am being selfish for grieving his loss and being angry at this.

I have been totally thrown off the rails. I know that I am a decent person, though I have made mistakes. I have (or had) a warm bubbly personality, and I have a great family and a network of close friends that love me. I love them. I am so grateful as I have relied so heavily on them through this time. My job is fantastic, besides said hellishness. I know my friends and family wish I would just wake up and smell the coffee or see the light or whatever and move on. I can't shake this pain and betrayal (btw, he says 'there was no betrayal, I have no guilt'.
I just attended my first therapy session last week. I think it will help- we have already started talking about the control issues in my life, and how I have let men control me in the past. I won't get into all the details here, but I know that my ex tried to manipulate and control me in subtle ways.

Reading this board helps immensely and I would be lying if I said I didn't spend most of my day at work hanging out here...You guys are so strong!
Anyway, thank you so much for hearing me out, which is more than I can that my ex did for me.
NewPage

#2 Feb 26 - 7AM

agnesmurphy17

Serial

There is something serial in what these guys do. I was able to get to know the woman who replaced me. She contacted me after she left him. We compared e-mails & stories. My N says the same lines & does the same things with each woman. The woman is an object. She gets plugged into his program. She takes a place & has a role to enact. It's not any particular quality of the woman that makes her unique that he's attracted to. He's attracted because somehow this woman is useful to him in that she plays the part he needs. If you all stay there long enough. You will see him ditch this new woman too for another. And he will also be coming back to you again. He will bounce between all three of you. How can you not be sure that he's not going to tell this new co-worker that he's going back to his wife? Or to you? Or to yet another woman who does not work where you all work?

#3 Feb 10 - 4PM

Samantha

For NewPage

Oy. Reading your story is like looking at the past 18ish months of my life. We have a lot in common. My story is posted, but I was also involved with a married narc (while his wife was pregnant) who I worked with and I know how much they can complete hollow you out. I know what you're going through and I know how hard it is. I was never a work cryer, but last spring it was nearly impossible for me to keep it together. I would walk the halls with tears in my eyes until I could get to the bathroom and allow myself to bawl uncontrollably. I even had the N tell me, "I see how much pain you're in and I find it flattering." I'm sure your N feels the same way. I hate to say this to you because you say you like your job, but you may need to consider looking for a new position. At the very least, can you ask for a new place to sit so you don't have to see the jerk and his new victim, I mean girlfriend, during the day? I found I was completely unable to make improvements in my mental and physical health until I was away from the N and I suspect the same may be true for you. You do not need to feel ashamed that you don't want to be his friend. This is a good sign that despite what he's put you through, you are still a strong person who knows when things aren't right. We can use all the jargon and psychobabble in the world for these guys, but it all boils down to one thing: They are not good people. Narcs want to keep us around as friends because they know we still pine for them and because they know they can use our feelings against us. Your Narc is bad news, just like all of them are. The things your married man said to you are almost word for word the things my married one said to me. I was also told things like, "I wish I'd met you sooner," "You challenge me like no one else ever has," and "We are an amazing couple." Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. You want him to feel the pain and angst you're going through. Oh, believe me - I know that feeling. But it will never, ever happen because you're asking for truthful, human emotions from a man who is so cut off from his own feelings that he has to trap others (us) into making him feel good about himself. He'll never feel bad about the way he treated you because he doesn't think it was wrong. I haven't talked with my ex for about 3-1/2 months now. The first few weeks I thought I was going to curl up in a ditch and die - it hurt so bad. Then I got wind of a few of the lies he was telling about me to his wife (she decided to take him back, which I'll never understand), and that's when I realized that just as he was lying to me about her, he's now lying to her about me. I'm done with that jackass and I hope to never see or hear from him again. Within six weeks of NC, I stopped seeing my therapist and have felt better than I have since the day I met him. I truly believe he's seeing your mutual co-worker not because she's the love of his life (he doesn't have one, unless it's him) but because he knows it bothers you. These are men who say and do things in order to cause pain in others. Do your best to remove yourself from his twisted game. Just by coming to this site and posting your story you are gaining your life back. So many of us know exactly what you're going through. I check this site almost every day - please feel free to reach out when you need support. The women on here are fantastic and have been an important factor as I get my old self back. I like who I am without him far better than when I was with him. I promise you things get better. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will heal and learn from this.

#4 Feb 11 - 3PM (Reply to #13)

newpage

Samantha, Thanks so much for

Samantha, Thanks so much for the support. Everyone is so generous here with their words of encouragement. Yours was a hard story to read. You are a stronger person now because of what you have gone through with this terrible individual. Ally was right with what she said in an earlier- good people don't drag all of these innocents along for the ride with them. I try to repeat that to myself. Yours has amassed quite the list of people affected by his completely selfish behavior. You get your life back when you cut these toxic people out. Your line about being 'flattered'? Yep, I got a similar line in the early stages about how I was cute when I was angry, and that secretly he liked it because it showed that I cared about him. At the time, I thought it was adorable that he said that! He accepts my (admitted) temper. (I ain't perfect.) ...But you know what, when someone is angry at me and I have hurt them, that's NO ego booster. What comes to mind is, 'shit, I fucked up. (pardon the colorful language) I need to let this person know that I care about them and that I am sorry for hurting them.' Yet, I am the crazy one according to him! He has said to me before that I like the abuse. That might be the only admission of guilt I've had from him. Samantha, we know that only someone mental would think that its FLATTERY when they've broken your heart and they have you on your knees. Not only your heart, but multiple hearts! It is tragic what they do. Be so thankful that you got out. I try to comfort myself with thinking that it won't last with this new girl. I don't want her to end up like me. Selfishly though, I don't want him to be happy in this new relationship. He has said to me before that he just wants me to be happy, but I don't know if I believe him based on his actions and words. He is the source of my unhappiness because I continue to allow him to be. He has claimed several times that though he and his wife are on good terms, she won't take him back again. It makes me wonder if that's why he is working on his coworker, instead of trying to cultivate us and what we had. But why her, and not me??? On paper, he and this new girl seem like they would be a good match. Sometimes I think of him as someone that isn't screwy and think maybe she is just better for him than I. More in common, more rational, more shared interests, better looking, more understanding of who he is and what he needs. Maybe she is safe to be with she wasn't embroiled from the get go in his relationship troubles with his wife. That thought pains me. Maybe we were different people and that's why he left me at the moment when we really had a chance to make things work between us. (when he separated) He makes damn well sure I see their interactions at work. How can I not, I sit 3 feet from her. They exchange notes, share lunches, brings her sweets from the local deli, comes over to her desk to make plans for the night, runs errands for her. Btw, all of this happened with me too: the sweet, generous, over the top gestures. THE SAME ONES. It really smarts. I don't know if he is doing it to hurt me. He always claims innocence when I have accused him of doing this. It is my problem and he is just living his life. According to him, my inability to move on is why I am so angry and hurt by this. Enough time has passed, he says. It's been 6 months. I haven't 'moved the fuck on' like he's demanded me to. How's this for a bit of foreshadowing- he once said to me when were were together 'I hope I don't ruin you.' And soon after the break up, 'Move on because its only going to get worse'. He was never so right. Hugs, NP

#5 Feb 26 - 11AM (Reply to #19)

alittledark

I just want you to be happy said the narc

Hi Newpage, You said: "He has said to me before that he just wants me to be happy," Well every time I would try to end it with my ex-narc he would say the exact same thing. I agree with the thread posted by Samantha that they recycle the same lines over and over with all their supply. And that tells too that it is all bullshit. Mine never wanted me to be happy apart from him, he wanted me to obsess over him (as long as it didn't get him in trouble). If I make it another day I will be 6 days of NC and I want to fast-forward so bad.

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.
--Helen Keller

#6 Feb 18 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

Journey

Sick sick sick!!!

Hi Newpage, he'll eventually D&D his new girlfriend too because he is incapable of deep emotions or caring about anyone other than himself. There is no questioning in my mind how sick this man is and how much better off you are without him. When he says he just wants you to be happy, you'd better believe he only says it to make HIS life easier. "Maybe we were different people and that's why he left me at the moment when we really had a chance to make things work between us. (when he separated)" - NO, that is just WHAT THEY DO! They are great at starting relationships, but as soon as we have needs they can't fill (such as any genuinely caring emotional support) they bail. He would have found someone else if she didn't show up at your office and if his new supply was not in front of your face he might have carried on with her behind your back and stayed in your relationship. This has nothing to do with you, there was nothing you could have done or been that would have made a difference. They love the fresh kill because their mask is easier to maintain and they get all the rewards of infatuation without the responsibility to go deeper... yet. Once that happens they start looking elsewhere because it isn't fun for them anymore. The only way it will last with new girlfriend is if she can remain in the dark about the next source of supply he'll seek. He might fool her for a long time. Don't let that for one moment, make you believe it is better for her and he will remain committed. As far as his 'foreshadowing' goes - he sounds not only disordered but calculatingly so. And who the F*&* is he to think he has the right to put your healing on a time table and then demand you to follow it?!! "He has said to me before that I like the abuse. That might be the only admission of guilt I've had from him." - I'm sorry, but I don't see this as his admission of guilt at all, I see it as him gas lighting and brain washing you. He is giving himself permission to be abusive by telling you you like it. He says that only to create seeds of self doubt in you - so you will put up with more. Stay as far from this creep as possible. See him for what he is! Journey on...

Journey on...

#7 Feb 22 - 10AM (Reply to #18)

newpage

Journey

Hi Journey, Thanks so much for posting about my story. I have been avoiding the boards the past few days and feeling pretty down on myself, so your post is much welcomed strength. I am feeling really weak today- nothing really in particular has happened- just the same old same old. I haven't had to see him or her for the past 4 days, so I don't know why I am feeling so sad about the loss today. This board has helped so much. It's great to have someone objective see that this is hurtful selfish behavior. When I am feeling weak I re-read all of this and it helps hold me up. Funny how I always thought the 'liking the abuse' comment was admission. Its true, though he may have said that, it didn't stop him from constantly dumping on the 'you're crazy- you're disordered- leave me the fuck alone' comments. I've never really understood how he could watch me sob at my desk in front of everyone, and instead of soften- continue to dig in deeper. Sometimes he would stop, sometimes he was just relentless. I would never do that to him. I'm getting a little teary writing this. I haven't been like this at work for a while. It is just a mind fuck to see him be so sweet to my coworker. Even his wife/exwife can be nice to him, why can't I? I guess it's partially because she doesn't know the truth about me- whereas I know how complicated he really made the situation. I know our coworkers think he's a little odd, but because he's the funniest guy at work he always wins them over. I can't stand to see him making them all laugh. Because I have been ignoring him, he is now ignoring me and it is very painful. I keep blaming myself for how sad I now feel, and I wish I could stop it. I wish I could stop missing him. I know you are pretty active on the boards, but I wasn't able to find your story? Did you have something similar happen at a workplace? Hugs, NP

#8 Feb 18 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

Susan32

Bringing back memories

The ex-Psych professor made the final D&D especially difficult after a pastor friend of mine died from a 7 year battle with cancer. Here I was, my pastor friend had been terribly ill... and the ex-P publicly flaunted his long-distance girlfriend who had just moved in with him, sacrificing her job in LA to be with him. "He has a right to put your healing on a time table and then demand you follow it"-Whenever I asked for closure, for an explanation, for an APOLOGY and remorse, the ex-P would accuse me of "not moving on." He'd accuse me of "dwelling in the past" when I called him to account for his behavior. When I saw the girlfriend, that was the LAST STRAW. When I congratulated him on being engaged, he threw into a rage about his personal boundaries being "violated" and how I was "imposing" on him (by then, I would've been violating him with delight) I commanded him, "I am moving on my OWN terms"--and that his feelings&needs didn't matter. I told him, "You can't tell me how to move on. This is my way of moving on. Deal." He was furious, but I stood there with the most arrogant, proud smile I could muster. I might have even told him to throw himself on the ground like a two year old screaming&crying because he wasn't getting his way. I told him he ENJOYED seeing me unhappy, that he had gone great lengths to see me suffer emotionally... and oh, by the way, it was his turn and I was going to enjoy it. "He said before I like the abuse"-The ex-P was the SAME WAY. He'd inflict emotional abuse on me, then said that I liked the suffering. He didn't count on me smiling&chuckling righteously when he threw his fits. The more he raged because I congratulated him on being engaged... the bigger I made my Cheshire cat smile. I was nothing to him anyhow... I could've disappeared, with my huge, toothy smile remaining.

#9 Feb 22 - 11AM (Reply to #16)

newpage

Hi Susan, It is appalling the

Hi Susan, It is appalling the sort of control they feel they should have over the time it takes to heal from the damage they inflict. To control even that! It is really mind blowing. I hate hate hate that he has always insulted me for actually being distraught over what is happening. I try to think, would someone else be able to handle this better? Am I just a weak person? I know that I am a sensitive person, but this has really been just too much. The 'dwelling in the past' accusation? Yep, mine did the same thing. Trying to get any closure or explanation usually results in the 'move on' and barrage of insults about how crazy I am. Maddening. I wish I could have gotten to the point where I could have met his insults with laughs, just to emphasize how ludicrous his words and behaviors are. Hugs, NP

#10 Feb 22 - 5PM (Reply to #17)

Susan32

In the end, I wanted to control him...

The ex-Psych professor hated HATED it when I said that congratulating him on his engagement was MY way of moving on--and that he had absolutely no say. That his desires, his feelings, his personal boundaries, meant NOTHING to me. I'd stand there, grinning, while he threw a tantrum (before the final D&D, I would've acted empathetic) I think what baffled him was that I KNEW what got his goat- my wishing him happiness- something I was NEVER allowed to do- and I was gleefully do it, watching him lose control, and I was doing the equivalent of pulling over a lawn chair to watch the fireworks. "He insulted me for being distraught over what was happening"-This was in a teacher/student relationship. He'd publicly mock me in class because I was mourning my grandfather. It was thru one of his male disciples I learned he thought my mourning was some sort of act, and that he thought I was like a cartoon. During the final D&D, I'd be weeping in front of my classmates, his colleagues, and he'd do NOTHING to comfort me and instead he'd dig deeper. Of course, he just had to flaunt his girlfriend right after my friend died. The ex-P couldn't stand being mocked. When the senior skit mocked HIM, he promptly exited... and since he was in towards the front, it wasn't an easy way out. If he thought he was being mocked, he ran away. He couldn't stand seeing me happy... he'd avoid me. Of course, when I broke NC, I MOCKED him-comparing him in a rather insulting way to my year old nephew (my brother in-law and the ex-P's father have the same name, my nephew and the ex-P are from Massachusetts, my nephew was born in Boston)-saying the ONLY difference between him and my baby nephew is AGE, and that my nephew is a lot more fun to be around. Oh, I also talked about how HAPPY I was, gallivanting around Boston. He hated seeing people be happy, he'd make nasty remarks. I know... just had to put some salt in the wounds. For some reason, I was afraid the ex-P would contact me... so I did the pre-emptive strike. The block the kick. Deal out narcissistic injuries that even a normal person couldn't handle. NO teacher-normal or PDI- enjoys being compared to a tantrum-throwing, self-centered infant. (But with NPDs, such criticism hurts a little more)

#11 Feb 8 - 10PM

Hunter

New Page

You are unsure that this guy has a disorder? He's a head case. Now he's got your head all messed up! You poor thing. I'm so sorry! do you have a therapist? If not may I suggest you get one. Insurance should pay for it. I know it's difficult to work with this creature but it is what it is! You've been doing it this long. It's time you fight back. Do not talk to him again. Keep work work! What a turd, does he makes his rounds at the office? makes me sick! You shouldn't be crying you should be disgusted. You have found the right place to help you heal. The first step is to go NC. Read and stay close to your new family. It takes work you get unnarced, you can do it! Welcome to the ride of your life. Ill say a pray for you tonight. Hugs Idealk

#12 Feb 11 - 3PM (Reply to #10)

newpage

Hugs to you Idealk- I

Hugs to you Idealk- I remember your story from when I first came to the boards. What a doozy. You dodged the bullet and managed to not let him become the ruin of you and your marriage. You are super strong, and you are always one of the first to chime in when people are having their weak moments!

#13 Feb 11 - 4PM (Reply to #11)

Hunter

New page

Thanks, not sure how lucky I am! I believed my Narc, hook,line and sinker. It's evil at it's finest. I will never allow abuse from anyone. Nor should you! Abuse that's what it is. I was taken we all were. Be Strong for yourself. Idealk

#14 Feb 8 - 11PM (Reply to #8)

newpage

Hi Idealk- I know something

Hi Idealk- I know something is wrong with him, but I always want to give him the benefit of the doubt and feel bad for him and his issues. That's just the way I was built, unfortunately. A lot of us here are built like that, ha ha. A friend of mine just referred me to a therapist, so I have gone once, and I am due up again this week. (I cannot wait!) Boy, did I cry and cry. I had never been to a therapist and had been hesitant, so I was surprised by how much I dumped on her. I have been doing a pretty good job at NC for the past 2 months- I haven't contacted him- but I have replied back to some of his damn messages he has sent me at work. I've ignored all phone texts (including a joyless 'Happy New Year' text, he claims to hate the holidays) Unfortunately, I have to work in a chat room with the rest of the company, so I can't block him from messaging me over that. I have ignored most, but faltered this week. :( Frustrating! Gotta get back on that horse. Thanks for the prayer! A good friend of mine put in a prayer request for me at a monastery she visited recently, so apparently I have a bunch of monks praying for me somewhere! The thought of this usually cheers me up and gives me a chuckle. The help is appreciated! Hugs to you, NewPage

#15 Feb 9 - 8AM (Reply to #9)

Hunter

NEW Page

Hi Again, Im glad you are seeking help. The therapist is there for you. Its best to get it all out. Ive never seen one myself till now. These Narcs really know how to drive you crazy. We have all been in your shoes, The cure is NC. When we say no contact we mean it. If you have to respond via work. Only respond in a professional mannor. This guy is not worth your soul. Trust me I know. I look at my story and my narc has truly occuppied my mind for most of my adult life. With many thanks to Lisa, before this site, I had no idea what I was dealing with. I have seen the light. I want nothing to do with my narc ever again. Crazy = Crazy. He is an evil diturbed man. You cant fight the devil. Good luck, Hugs Idealk

#16 Feb 8 - 9PM

gettinbetter

Another Oh Geez...

Stories like these are near and dear to my heart because the N and I starting dating sr year of college then went to work at the same firm. Same story. I remember the pain of having to watch that. I eventually ended up leaving the firm cause I just didnt want to see it anymore. Anyway I ended meeting a great guy and we married and yes the N dumped the other woman in a very cruel way. I actually have no ill feelings toward her now. I remember telling her one time,You know nothing about us if you did you would know he always comes back Well he made good on that now 15 years later he's baaack!!! and the same shit all over again only now I know it has a name. I think he's Borderline Personality disorder (Im referring to my N) atleast I almost most sure of it and he has Narcissistic tendencies. They are very much the same anyway bother cluster B personality disorders. Girl Im sorry if there is anyone who knows how ya feel its me. If it gets to be too much you may want to look around for another job. Thats pretty tough stuff to have to watch day in and day out it can really mess you emotionally. You know whats best for you but they didnt even work on my floor and I still couldnt take it. I hadt to get out and thats when I started to get better.

#17 Feb 8 - 10PM (Reply to #6)

newpage

Sickofit- like I said to

Sickofit- like I said to Ally, it is nice to meet you! Thank you for replying back. It means a lot to me. Your N as returned 15 years later? Just when you think the coast is clear... Mine has been diagnosed with a mental disorder, but not Borderline or Narcissistic. I really really love my job, and I have a lot of friends there and its really a great company. I am trying to pull out all the stops to avoid leaving it if I don't have to, as it isn't really an option for me right now. It is hard for me to be there with the threat of A. wife getting pregnant, or B. girl number 3 getting married to him. Heaven help me if one of those scenerios play out!

#18 Feb 8 - 9PM

ally2375

New Page

Thank you for sharing your story. It is so earnest and genuine that it made ME want to cry reading it. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I worked with mine as well. It is a special kind of torture. A couple of things in your post stood out to me. You referred to "karmic retribution" and also say "shouldn't I be feeling bad for him?" No, no, and NO! You must stop blaming yourself for the crap way this guy has treated you. No matter the complicated relationship situation this guy got himself caught up in (and they ALL seem to create complicated relationship situations for themselves) a person with character and empathy doesn't drag an innocent person who they claim to care about along for the ride. The bad behavior is on HIM and only HIM. This is not a relationship problem that you had; this is HIS problem and his alone. You also seem to be unsure whether he is a narcissist. My question to you is, does it matter? Look at the list of terrible, insensitive things he has said and done. You don't need a clinical diagnosis to know that this is NOT kind, compassionate behavior. When you feel yourself soften toward him, remember this list. This is what he has to offer you. You deserve better. You sound like such a kind and caring person. Please try not to internalize this experience. I know how hard that is to do. Stay with us, lean on us, ask us anything. Hugs, Ally

#19 Feb 8 - 11PM (Reply to #2)

newpage

Hi Ally- It is nice to meet

Hi Ally- It is nice to meet you. Actually, it is totally surreal to be talking to you all after having read you guys on the board for so long. Like, what was I waiting for? I thought I had remembered you as one of the ones working with your N. I went back and re-read your story. I am so sorry, I hope you are doing better now that he has gone far away. It is really a blessing, and you know that, too. I understand how conflicted you must have felt to have him gone so abruptly. How hurtful. I think you also mentioned him texting you something about the snow? It's funny mine texted me something similar- like any reason to reach out and just get my attention somehow. No, I don't want to small talk with you about the snow when the last time you had spoken to me you had told me I was crazy and mental. I DON'T WANT TO BULLSHIT WITH YOU I AM HURTING! It's like the are emotionally stunted. They don't understand how we can't be their pal after what they have put us through. How we wouldn't want anything to do with them. I'm not sure if I had missed this, is yours still off the radar? Thank you for the kind words and for being so sweet. I actually cried when I read that you almost cried so I was crying all over again, ha ha! Hugs back, NewPage

#20 Feb 9 - 8AM (Reply to #3)

ally2375

New Page

Oh no! We're getting into a vicious circle of tears here! It's funny how I never really got mad at my N. Not when he was ignoring me, not when he was cheating, not during NC. I was just hurt and crying all the time. But, when I read stories like yours, I get so burning mad that I want to storm over to your N and shake him 'til his eyes pop! Yes, my N is temporarily off the radar. He left town over the Christmas holiday. In early January, I got an "apology" email from him that really didn't amount to much. Amongst other things, he said, "it really sucks not knowing what's going on with you or your life." Yup - he misses the CONTROL. Doesn't miss me. Then, two weeks later I got a Facebook invite from him (I unfriended him months ago when I started NC.) Since I ignored his email, I doubt he thought I would accept. I'm sure it was just a ploy to get me to look at his page, which he's no doubt filled with all sorts of BS about how much fun he's having in CA. He would do this to hurt me, knowing how much I want to be back in SoCal but am stuck in MN for now. Nice guy, huh? I agree with your assessment that these guys are emotionally stunted. How else can we explain someone who acts like a total jacka** one day, and then comes bounding back the next like nothing ever happened? Disordered really is the right word. I hope today is a good one for you! It does get better, easier.

#21 Feb 11 - 7PM (Reply to #4)

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Hi Ally, Thanks for letting

Hi Ally, Thanks for letting me know that if given the chance, you would throttle my N through the computer. Likewise! It was a really comforting image, actually. It helps to have someone reaffirm that I have a reason to feel as bad as I do, because our N's are never accountable. Complete strangers can see what an asshole he is, but why can't he! It is infuriating! Maybe they do see what they are, but they don't care or are in a very very deep denial? My N has said similar things about not knowing what's on in my life, or missing being just friends. I've temporarily deleted my facebook because it is too painful and filled with drama. His new galpal and he are 'friends' (gag) with me and I am not strong enough to remove them, so I just got rid of it. It's so convenient that yours can treat you like a piece of shit, but let bygones be bygones with a 'friendly' facebook invite. That's an easy way for him to atone for what hes put you through, right? Plus he gets to give you a glimpse into his life and he gets a peek at yours that he doesn't deserve! You are right about the control. D E L E T E! Hugs, NP

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