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No contact impossible need advice

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#1 Feb 8 - 1PM
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

No contact impossible need advice

Sadly, I can't go totally NC. I work with the Narc. I do see though that contact IS pain and I do everything in my power to avoid it. And after 8 months of suffering, I am seeking therapy. Here's the thing. I have to see the Narc and her new gf at work. I know the Narc is incapable of love and will eventually discard this woman, but I so mourn the loss of the idealization phase, that it's very painful to see. One minute I'm fine, the next I break into tears.

Any advice on practical things I can do/think as I have to observe this.? I love my job. I want to be comfortable at the place where I spend the majority of my life and some days it's hell. What's worse is most people have no idea what happened and speak to me as if we're friends. I have started avoiding many people because I don't even want to hear her name.

And of course it sucks to see her so happily pursuing someone as I seek therapy for the damage 16 weeks of our relationship did to me.

Words of wisdom anyone?

Feb 8 - 4PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Re read what you just wrote..

Re read what you just wrote.. Do you really love this job?. You hurt when you see her, you avid others and most of the day is stressful.. I strongly suggest you begin looking for another job.. You can not win a war ith a narcissist.. When this OW gets devalued she will be back bothering you.. Think About it.. Hunter
Feb 8 - 5PM (Reply to #21)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

And by the way

She never stopped coming around bothering me. I'm polite and show her no reaction. She goes away. then she comes back. It's what they do.
Feb 8 - 5PM (Reply to #18)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Sorry for all The Typos, Hunter

Yes, Hunter. I love my job. I make a lot money. People love me. I have the absolute best job at the best company for what someone in my field does available to me. There are very few jobs in my field available, and I have the best one in teh city. On top of that, I'm a middle aged woman, known to be discarded by the job market. I'm not giving up what I worked so hard for because some asshole victimized me. I'm working hard to do everything in my power to develop the character and skills I need to get to the point where I feel little to nothing at all when I see her. It's tough. On top of that, much of my social life is with my coworkers, and now that's awful, because she's there. And people don't know about what happened. They still think we're friends. But I will survive this and I will keep my job. I will not let her take away everything. She's not that important. She's an asshole.
Feb 8 - 5PM (Reply to #19)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I understand.. I know if I

I understand.. I know if I had to see my narc id be locked up in the looney bin.. I was half way there a year ago.. Then you must get a plan together to avoid her like the toxic waste she is.. I would also document.. Her every move.. If she attacks which is a possibility you need to be prepared.. I hate these freaks.. Sorry.. :( Hunter
Feb 8 - 5PM (Reply to #20)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Thanks, Hunter

I really do avoid her. I have alternate building enterances and exits, etc. Unfortunately, she sometimes answers work orders by showing up at my desk. What am I going to tell HR? That she provides excellent customer service??? I do have a million documented cases of me politely declining her invitations. She'd have a hard road trying to say I harrassed her in any way.
Feb 8 - 5PM (Reply to #17)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Yes. I really love this job

And i make a lot of money. And i'm middle aged. And there aren't many jobs in my field. And u work for the best company my city. I'm not leaving because of rhis sick person who victimized me. Never.
Feb 8 - 2PM
Femmegem
Femmegem's picture

So sorry for you sweetheart

I Can't even imagine what that must be like but hey, you said yourself it ended when you saw her true colours....keep reminding yourself what they were. It is painful as hell but you REALLY don't want to go back there, no matter how amazing that idealisation was. We all understand. As for practical tips all I can advise is to avoid non-work contact as much as possible if you can? Hope you'll be ok.
Feb 8 - 6PM (Reply to #15)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

i know it would never be the same

Now that I know what she is, I couldn't enjoy being with her. I'd be afraid of whatever cruel trickery came next. I was angry that she ruined my memories. She sick. It could have ended well. She chose to tear it apart.
Feb 8 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

It does suck...

She invited me to spend new years eve with her (I've been politely declining invitations to be abused for 7 months. Turns out the invitation was to spend the night with her and te new gf. WTF. They never tire of trying to hurt us. What frustrates me most is when friends say"maybe she was just being nice.". There's nothing nice about anything she does. She introduced me to my replacement! Totally unnecessary. My replacement was youn enough to be my daughter. She and I compared timelines. TheNarc had 3of us going at once, but only for a week. As soon as I saw that she was a wolf in sheep's clothing , I disengaged.
Feb 8 - 3PM (Reply to #11)
Femmegem
Femmegem's picture

IWAAH

How dare she flaunt the OW like that!! That is disgraceful. She WANTS you to compete....instead be civil (I know you have to) but don't.let her see any pain. Rant here all you like sge never needs to know you still care. As for that sick invitation.....that just sums up the person you are.now rid of! My exN had loads of OW. It just all hit me and I got traumatised all over again. Its unbearable but day by day the more we learn more about their disorder and gain strength from having lived another day without them. Stay strong....you're doing well considering your work situation. It must help having the replacement to talk to but stay away if that causes you pain in a way. I wanted to contact.exNs exes but I'm not ready to hear it all.
Feb 8 - 6PM (Reply to #14)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

She Kinda Makes it Easy For me

By being such a one-dimensional asshole. But I was totally retraumatized by the holiday invitation. Luckily, I didn't take the bait. She would have liked me to think she wanted me back, only to ruin my new years eve by flaunting the new girlfriend. it's crazy. She's the one who fucked me over, yet she continues to try to punshi me. For what? Not standing for more abuse. She said there would be "some other people there as well..." I found out later who those other people are. And she could sit back and say, "I was just trying to be nice. But I guess she just can't let me go..." Crazy.
Feb 8 - 5PM (Reply to #13)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

I'm more than civil

I had to help her new girlfriend the other day. Not only did I fix her problem, I followed up with an e-mail explaining exactly how I fixed her problem and offered to help her in the future. I am all dignity. And you know what... it's the best thing I have going. The replacement DID freak out and start texting her, I heard. But you know what... I didn't, so the narc can blow me. If she ever calls me on it, I'll offer to read her the e-mails I wrote to my replacement. She's such a dick. I'm coming back from a point of strenth if she ever openly battles. But she won't. She's covert in her fights.
Feb 8 - 5PM (Reply to #12)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Yeah...

The sick invitation sure did make it clear. It came because I took an attractive woman to a work party. She thought I might be happy and she freaked out and tried to hurt me some more. It's really incredibly sick. It's too bad. It's sad. I could have been her friend. But she's insane. And yes, this forumn is so helpful to vent. I don't show her any emotion whatsoever. I have composure like you would not believe. I only talked to the replacement for awhile. And it did cause some pain. It was worth it, but I don't need to continue that relationship. She tried to be my fb friend and I explained that I had been traumatized by her name for 6 months and that it was nothing personal, but I wasn't ready for that. I think we helped each other and now it's time to leave it alone.
Feb 8 - 1PM
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Oh hon

Big hug to you, thats tough. Are you able to change your job? I assume you met through work too? Is your story on here or can you tell a little more? I think Redhead has to work with her ex N so maybe she can offer some advice. Does she flaunt the relationship or is it mostly colleagues assuming? How did the relationship end? I can only imagine how horrible that must be x
Feb 8 - 2PM (Reply to #2)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Hi, snowflake

We met at work. I'd be crazy to switch jobs. I'm a manager. I have the best job someone in my field could have at a company everyone wants to work for. She flaunts the new relationship. Our relationship ended when I saw her true colors. She introduced me to my replacement (who was also a coworker!). I think I was supposed to freak out, compete for her, or act like a stalker. She tried re-cast me from the special one to the discarded one who couldn't get over her. Per usual it was sudden. I was blindsided and traumatized, but I shut up, went home, and mourned. Have been nothing but polite to her since. I refuse to get roped back in even though she continues to try. I spoke to that woman who replaced me. She emerged12 weeks later as traumatized as I was. So, the N is on to her third workplace victim in under a year. Insane.
Feb 8 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
HelpMeHeal
HelpMeHeal's picture

Let her flaunt it. The new

Let her flaunt it. The new chick is her next victim. Gracefully take a seat and enjoy the show! When you feel like crying, come here for support instead.
Feb 8 - 5PM (Reply to #8)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

here's the thing..

If she's not flaunting this one, she'll be flaunting another. It won't ever stop, so I have to figure out how to cope. She's very attractive and she can real them in like you wouldn't beleive. All ages. I'm 45. The new one is 47. The last one was 25. Some of them have been GORGEOUS. So... I'll get to watch it. But I know that all she'll really bring is pain in the end. I want to see the cycle continue so I can feel better about what happened to me, though I really hate to see this happen to anyone.
Feb 8 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Thanks HelpMeHeal

I cry all the time. Why is this text red? Anyway, the new one will be a vicitim, though she seems like she might also be a Narc, so maybe they'll live happily ever after, fucking with each other's heads.
Feb 8 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

They are sick arent they

Can you get her sacked (smiling..just an idea.. :)) Well hon on the plus you sound like you have acted with dignity where a lo of us havent so you have that going for you. Assume the cognitive diss is getting to you..your mind knows shes a fuck up yet you miss her..god I wish there was a magic brush that would wipe it away.. Did your therapist have anything worthwhile which you could share? Guess we are all in the same boat, welcome aboard..a bit shaky but we aint sinking yet.
Feb 8 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

The Therapist

I've only had one session and she hasn't offered anything. I'll give it one more shot.
Feb 8 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
It.Was.All.Abou...
It.Was.All.About.Her.'s picture

Thanks

I really have acted with dignity. I fall Part at home, but I show her nothing but composure. It's totally cognitive dissonance! I absolutely get it, but so much of my brain is stuck on it. It's getting super annoying!!!!