No Turning Back

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#1 Apr 2 - 8AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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No Turning Back

by Kathy Krajco

You keep trying to get through to your narcissist. You just can't accept it that you can't reach them. Stubbornly, you keep trying.

That's partly because you don't know half of what they've done to you behind your back.

When you finally give up, your only regret is that you feel like an utter fool for having fled into denial where you kept trying for so long. You see that you should have known they are a hopeless case.

This is because a narcissist's past has a hold on them, a hold much stronger than you can ever get. To understand, just put yourself in their shoes.

Imagine that you're a malignant narcissist. You have gone around telling people terrible lies about others, even about the members of your own immediate family. You say your sister or brother is violent and has often beaten you. You say that he or she pushes drugs or embezzles or whatever.

Then this family member, trying to reach you while you are in deep depression, somehow gets you in for counseling. You think you want to change. To turn your life around. Wouldn't it be wonderful! Your family loves you and that love is a very powerful pull on you.

But what's the next thing you think?

You think what will happen when people you've told those lies to see you with this brother or sister, getting alone just fine.

How are you going to explain that? Here is someone you say tried to kill you, and you're on friendly terms with him or her? Here is someone that sleazy, and you socialize with him or her?

What will people think?

What are you going to say when people ask you if that brother or sister is still beating you? Or if they ask you whether he or she is still pushing drugs? Or if they ask you how he or she has managed to stay out of jail?

What are you going to do? Are you going to stay clean and admit that it was all a lie? Can you even BE clean without repairing the damage you did to that family member's good name?

You're going to continue living the old lie, aren't you? In other words, you're not going to change. Theoretically you could. But you can't. Not really. There are things people can do that you just do not repent.

Like Macbeth, you pass a point beyond which there is no turning back.

Even the secret things that no one else will ever know stand as a demon at the escape hatch. For, to change, you'd have to know what you did and see these despicable deeds for what they are. You'd have to stop repressing awareness of them. Because you can't change if you disown what you are changing FROM.

That is, you'd have to see YOURSELF when you look in a mirror. Could you? And know how cruelly you had exploited and treated others all your life? Know that you had tortured that innocent animal just for kicks? Know that you had eviscerated that young man who made the mistake of loving you? Know that you had abused and psychologically injured your own children by denying them love? Know that you had destroyed someone's career and ruined their life or perhaps even driven them to suicide that way?

People who did NOTHING to you! People who trusted you! People who loved you! You did things like this to FRIENDS!

The spirit in which such things are done is unmistakable. These are the kinds of things malignant narcissists do = not the normal bad things normal people do.

If you had done such things would you ever be able to fess up? I don't think so. You're not going to do that, are you? You're going to stay nice and safe there beyond the Looking Glass.

This is why the prognosis for NPD is so poor. Narcissists have become what they are to cope with what they have done. It's adaptive. It keeps them from killing themselves.

But don't take my word for it, or anyone's. Keep trying to get through to your narcissist. Just do face facts. But keep trying till you give up.

It is much better to feel like a fool who banged their head against a brick wall than to know you gave up while you had one bit of hope.

Nov 10 - 9AM
4joys4's picture

The exN told his family many

The exN told his family many lies about me after he d&ded me. Then he wanted to come back to me. So I played along. I said he should sit down with his family and see what they think. He also needed their money for a plane ticket back. So what will he do? How will he explain this to them so it will make sense? He tells his father he wants to return. His father naturally asked why he would want to do that after all MY abuse? The Narc explains it thus.."I know she has very deep problems, but I love her. Just like you love mom even though she is an alcoholic." He doesnt say he made up lies. He cant. He's in too deep. He has asked them for help to d&d me. So when the narc called to tell me his conversation and that he is ready to come back. Has spoken to his family and they would foot the bill. With his family seeing him as a truly loving and unselfish person, long suffering out of love for me..I say, "No Way! Stay where you are, you filthy liar and manipulator!"
Nov 9 - 8PM
Barbara (not verified)
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there's no turning back!

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Sep 27 - 2AM
destiny (not verified)
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Great post! This is exactly

Great post! This is exactly what my XN had to explain to others when we got back together. One woman said to me...I just didnt understand how he said you were bestfriends and spoke so highly of you now.......when he previously said he feared you, you were a stalker and unstable. She said she was seeing a pattern with him and not all the xgf can be crazy. THings started to add up for a few of his supposed friends...and they dropped off. I was one of the only ones left and he latched onto me only to D&D me worse than I ever could have imagined. Guess he is now saying I am a stalker and unstable again. sigh
Sep 6 - 11PM
dolce (not verified)
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This was right on

Barbara, This is so true. I was happy to see it put into words. Thanks
Sep 7 - 12AM (Reply to #6)
quietude (not verified)
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great read

Wow, that is powerful stuff. Thanks so much for posting!!
Sep 5 - 10PM
Barbara (not verified)
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the point of no return

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Jun 15 - 7PM
Barbara (not verified)
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no turning back

~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
Sep 26 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

the point of no return

SEE TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Jan 28 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

there's no turning back!

READ TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website