Not a good day!

Woke up this morning with this huge blanket of sadness weighing me down. Not sure why. Had a pretty good couple of days, he annoyed me enough to stay angry with him. Anger is easier. But today all I can think of is how hard I tried the last two months and in hindsight all the ways he showed me that it was already over, only I didn't know. I think he just drug it out because he enjoyed watching me try so hard. I can't get it out of my head that he'd been to see an attorney a month before while being at the hospital pretending to care as I went through surgery. I said that to him once, his response, "glad I could help you through it". Are you serious?

Yet knowing all this, knowing who and what he is, knowing he's poison....why do I still long for him to walk in here while I'm sitting in bed and hold me and tell me he loves me and this past month, year, 20 years has all been a big mistake?

While I am writing this I heard him get up. He's sleeping in his sons room now with a chair against the door at night? I'm dangerous? He's irresistible? Not sure. I thought he was at work today. So now I have the "pleasure" of a sad day and him home. Maybe it will help. Inevitably being around him makes me mad!

It's prom today. Will focus on getting my beautiful daughter ready for that.