Ok I lost it again, I feel awful Please HELP

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Nov 29 - 6PM (Reply to #51)
jen79
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chickon

Thank you so much, yes I hate to feel that way too, its true, its like being another person. I guess its the brainwashing.
Nov 29 - 1PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Dreaming about them really

Dreaming about them really sucks and can ruin a whole day and if you dream about the fake nice person that he can be then its twise as hard , dreaming about them can trigger all sorts of responces and one of them is to want to break nc and the other on is to feel down about ourselves like we brought on what happened to us that in some way we where to blame for our abuse , the dreams are just another little hick up we have to wade through in our recovory , i find i can be having a really good couple of weeks and then bam a dream where he is nice and im talking to him and all the love feelings come back and then i have to work really hard for the next few days to get back into anger .. The thing is about anger is it is our friend , in the early days of nc it is what keeps us from picking up the phone (or texting although mine never text me much , or phone me or email me come to that .. he threw me the odd biscuit i seem to remember the arrogent fucker .. sorry i digress )It is sooo important to keep a journal where you write all the bad things he did and how he made you cry and felt . There WILL be a time in nc that you will be tempted to break it and this journal is there to stop you .... not Jen that you need to be told this as i know you are on the ball but for newbees this is the only way foward .. Scoop x
Nov 29 - 1PM (Reply to #49)
jen79
jen79's picture

Scoop

I dont think I am in danger to ever text him again, I did have problems to remember the bad things in detail, but I cannot forget and will not forget that he called me a crazy stabbing fangirl. And if my anger fades away and I am happy again, then I will thank god for it, and I will try my best to stay in a happy mood and focus and what I want in life, the positve things I want and what I can look forward too, so I will not feel tempted to text him back, or to let myself be indulged again in any drama, that always ends with devaluation. The dream about sex, as I mentioned, it always only occurs when i feel unworthy and powerless, as soon as I am back to my sanity, sex with him is out of question, and I dont even dream about him then anymore.
Nov 29 - 1PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

The truth of what you saw

The truth of what you saw yesterday is STILL the truth, whether you "feel" it today or not. Feelings come and go. Feelings are important, they tell us what the weather is internally, but they don't predict REALITY in the outer world. They predict inner reality, what things mean to us. Very important! Sorry to preach :P this is the stuff I tell mySELF when I get overwhelmed by negative feelings. They are powerful in their negativity because of the damage done by the Narc. There's nothing wrong with YOU Jen, but there is something very wrong with HIM. And he got his crap all over you and made you think it was YOURS. The negative feelings about yourself are "sickened" feelings. They are like sick things, not healthy things. So don't listen to them. Soothe yourself, take deep breaths, and don't take them too seriously :)
Nov 29 - 1PM (Reply to #38)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Its difficult to hold onto

Its difficult to hold onto the fact that he was the sick one when they have spent so much time telling us we are the unstable ones . They work to the mantra of "if i tell someone something long enough and loud enough they will believe me "... It takes a long time of deprograming from this kind of brainwashing .. and that is what it is brainwashing .It seems so real at the time and when you go no contact but glimses of who you use to be come through with no contact in time you get angry ... the anger is you saying "wate a fucking minute here the narc is the sick one NOT ME"
Nov 29 - 2PM (Reply to #39)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Yes it really is hard! My

Yes it really is hard! My Narc had a little too much knowledge about psychological stuff. He had me straight up convinced that I had serious psychological issues. It deflated me so badly that my co-workers asked if I was OK. One even asked if the Narc was hitting me. Talk about shocking. I was still utterly believing him, I was shocked at their concern but felt that they just didn't understand. I believed it was for the best that I get myself together, anyway. Hey Leah, remind you of anyone :D :D :D ?? It seems like we victims/survivors are FORCED to get well educated about psychology AND psychopathology, whether we want to be or not. Otherwise, NONE of this makes sense, and it definitely won't stick. If we don't understand what is essentially "normal" behavior versus "abnormal" behavior, we will remain convinced by the sheer power of the Narc's brainwashing and propaganda against us. I was fortunate enough to have had two good bouts of therapy before I met the Narc (I know, I know). AND I had been a psychiatric nurse for ten years before I met him. Yep, I know about that one too. All that "education" did not PREVENT me from falling into his clutches and spending seven years with him. But it DID strengthen me so that when I got clear, I got CLEAR and it was OVER and there was no ambivalence. Otherwise, I was as vulnerable as the next person, MORE vulnerable because I was raised by a Narc to be a victim.
Nov 29 - 5PM (Reply to #42)
Anne_
Anne_'s picture

therapy

mine just told me about me going into therapy "of course it doesn't help you, the therapist is just all wrong". I believed him since he was a psy himself. I stopped the sessions with my last therapist, and put myself on a waiting list for another one. It gave him some extra months of brainwashing. You know, just trust your gut feelings with Narcs. when I met my XN, I really felt that there was something going on with him. I suspected that he had a child, and that he was seeing other women. The first he admitted when I confronted him with it, the second he denied until two years later, when we broke up. Knowing that I was right all the way really made me feel stronger. It doesn't protect me from having relapses, but it helps just a tiny little bit. just trust your gut feeling with Ns. it's not because you're vulnerable and hurt that you cannot feel that something is wrong.
Nov 29 - 5PM (Reply to #43)
jen79
jen79's picture

Anne

I know what you mean, I sensed it too, right in the beginning, I knew he is a careless unreliable little child. Thats what I thought, and I was even arrogant and thought, this game will be easy to win. Boy was I wrong, I thought I will make him fall in love with me easily, cause he such a damn idiot. Well I should have listen to my gut, and I should not have been so arrogant. Lesson learned for life I guess.
Dec 4 - 4AM (Reply to #47)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

oh yes

I thought the same back when we were younger I actually thought to myself "Im better than him. Ill have him eating out of the palm of my him. Game over" NOT!
Nov 30 - 3AM (Reply to #46)
Scoop
Scoop's picture

"i thought i will make him

"i thought i will make him fall in love with me easily cause he was such a damm idiot" ... so true x
Nov 29 - 6PM (Reply to #44)
Anne_
Anne_'s picture

jen

haha, I thought the same thing, he is soo stupid and socially inept, I will win him over in a sec. It took me 3 months though (how stupid was that?) but I think it has something to do with us empaths, who see the good side in everyone (and if we don't see the good side, we just make it up). I hope you get some sleep tonight (I see you're still on the board at 1 AM). I'm off to bed. I have some sleeping pills just to help me through the rough patch. I didn't have a decent night of sleep for 3 weeks sweet dreams (dreams about chocolate, fuzzy rabbits and warm weather :-))
Nov 29 - 6PM (Reply to #45)
jen79
jen79's picture

hahah Anne

yes you are right, I am afraid to sleep today. I guess I will fall asleep from exhaustion around 3. You are right, this empath thing lets us see beyond the mask right in the beginning somehow, I saw from the beginning how much pain he inflicts on himself, and how much troubled and hurt and fearful he is. And that made me think, I will win him over easily cause I am such shiny bright person lool, and I can shine a light on him that he so desperatly needs. Boy was I wrong in that. I think as soon as we get involved in their drama and are high from all the approval they shower us with, we lose our empath psychic skills. I lost them at least. It is now that they are coming back, when I was in the honeymoon and tried everything to get him to love me, I didnt feel anything anymore, I couldnt sense anything, all I felt was my yearning.
Nov 29 - 3PM (Reply to #40)
jen79
jen79's picture

Brie

Its true, non of this makes sense till we educate ourselves about it. I see now clearly, why it doesnt make sense at all. They emotional range between despair, rage, blame, fear, worry. boredom at highest...it doesnt make any sense to us. Or as I read it in a forum about Law of attraction...they practiced the Art of resistance for so long that they simply numbed themselves out. This doesnt make any sense to any normal person at all. This dark shadow we all feel around us when we are involved with them, it is their shadow they have to live with all the time. And I guess the only release they ever feel, is when they have some new prey to pursue...if they would stop chasing...they would probrably die of cancer or so... And I think thats why they cannot even get a glimpse of what we felt, this love, this passion, sex...its not possible to feel any of that in a positive way when you are around fear and rage. Somehow I think when they experience despair, this is when they think it must be love. They have no idea of what love is... Gosh i hate him so much today. I want his gf to wake up and to not take him back again, the poor brainwashed soul, I want him to die alone.
Nov 29 - 3PM (Reply to #41)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

yes I have often said

their idea is that love = pain. I think when they are raging at you they are pissed becuase you have made them feel vulnerable. I think when they see us in pain they think look how much she loves me thats why they love to do it. Why the D and D makes them so happy. When experience pain and despair which is what they associate with love it makes them feel vulnerable a feeling they are very uncomfortable with due to abandonment fears. its always a trip to opposite land with the narc. Where love = hate. So when they say I love you in my opinion they are saying I hate you. When they say they hate you they are saying they love you. SICK SICK SICK
Nov 29 - 1PM (Reply to #27)
jen79
jen79's picture

Brie

They are powerful in their negativity because of the damage done by the Narc. There's nothing wrong with YOU Jen, but there is something very wrong with HIM. And he got his crap all over you and made you think it was YOURS. How true, thanks for reminding me, its HIS crap that he has thrown all over me. Not mine. And I guess I just need to stop focusing on the image he wants to project onto me, to make himself feel better. Sometimes I hate this empath thing so much, these days were so hard for me, I know I always wanted to be psychic and all those things, but feeling the feelings of others makes it sometimes sooo hard to focus on our own goals and our own perceptions of ourselves. It really sucks sometimes. I can feel the feelings of others too, but I dont care so much about it, I think "care" is the key here. Seems I still care what he thinks about me. What have I not understood here? Why do I want him to think good about me? its like asking a raging bull to be sensitive.
Nov 29 - 1PM (Reply to #28)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

LOL . . . I used to think

LOL . . . I used to think I'd want to be psychic too. ARRRGGHH!! NEVER!! I don't wanna know :D!!! How could ANYONE want to know even a portion of what other people are thinking???? Funny how things that seemed "good" at one time turn into their opposites. Hell I know more than I want to as it is. Still caring what he thinks of you . . . even though you are NC, it's been a long long time . . . hmmm. Only you know the answer to that one. It is definitely odd, from an objective point of view . . . but for US here on this board, we all have this. I wonder if it is because the Narc encourages us to "keep trying" to please him, giving a bit of "approval" just enough to keep us trying, while thoroughly destroying us. In behavioral psychology it's called "intermittent reinforcement". You should google that term. If you positively reinforce a behavior ONCE IN A WHILE, even though the rest is negative, it makes the subject try harder than ever, like, obsessively harder. This is a part of the trauma bonding process too, I'm thinking.
Nov 29 - 1PM (Reply to #29)
jen79
jen79's picture

intermitted reinforcement

see what I found on google: "I get results when I take control. It is instant death when you hand over "control" to a woman. My secret is to give women "intermittent reinforcement." This actually is a psychological phenomenon commonly documented in experiments involving rats. The goal of the experiment is to have the rat press a lever as many times as possible. The rat is given a pellet of food after it presses a lever. If the rat gets a pellet every time, it soon gets satiated and stops pressing the lever. If, on the other hand, the rat does not receive a pellet every time the lever is pressed, but receives a pellet intermittently, the rat will increase the frequency with which it presses the lever. The analogy is fairly obvious: how do we get women to "press our lever" as many times as possible? Easy, give her attention intermittently and unpredictably. Don’t give her a pellet too often. Take control of when she receives one. Don’t be at her beck and call." Isnt that disgusting!!!! They know about it!!!! And damn it, I seem to behave like damn labour rat. Fuck the narc!!!! I wont press any lever anymore!!!!
Dec 4 - 3AM (Reply to #37)
Alibi_10
Alibi_10's picture

Rats at the lever

This scared me a bit, particularly as the Narc was quite open about what he was doing and I IGNORED it !! Quite early on, he said he did not want to feel trapped, cornered or have to commit to anything he didn't want to (what part of me saw someone I wanted to be with ? :o) ) ... but he actually said that he liked reeling me in because I was like a fish on a hook ! He routinely threw me back in the pond, then reeled me in again. He can't hurt me now (although I still have the issue of the stuff he has at my house to deal with), this board has given me so much enlightenment. But the rats at the lever thing? Unbelievable that someone could be so calculating. Especially when there is probably only one rat in the room, and it is not the one pressing the lever!
Nov 29 - 5PM (Reply to #36)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

THEY are the rats at the lever...

Because they depend on the supply, no matter what. They're like drug addicts who are willing to sell themselves on the streets because they need their high so bad. After the D&D, a friend of mine said the whole time, I had been the dominant partner, because the ex-Psych professor was so emotionally dependent on ME. HE was dependent on the NS; I could leave him and move on with my life. Very empowering. He was Pavlov's dog (his real name is Hebrew for dog, or rabid dog) I was the one who was giving the pellets-- and I was the one who could take them away. Or give him pellets that were actually rat poison. I giveth and I taketh away. There was an interesting article about the McRib sandwiches, posing the question "Why are people excited instead of annoyed when they're faced with the immediate threat of something being taken away?" They used the example of the limited time McRib Sandwiches. Ns/Ps treat us that way. They use the intermittent reinforcement, despite being the DEPENDENT ones. I agree with my therapist about the issues of enabling and addiction (the drama is addictive) In the past decade... the ex-P has, thank God, NOT contacted me. Maybe because I'm like those unscrupulous bartenders who water down the wine and jack up the price?
Nov 29 - 4PM (Reply to #34)
jelizabeth
jelizabeth's picture

Ugh

Reading that makes me sick. My exN used to talk OPENLY about that - and all kinds of other power plays. I had never even thought about the notions of control or manipulation before I met him. But he knew ALL about it - quite the student - and he always accused ME of trying to manipulate and control, usually as a way to hurt me or excuse himself from not meeting a need I dared to ask for. It was a web of crazy-making mechanisms I walked right into, unaware. Right now, I feel really bad for all of us. :-(
Nov 29 - 8PM (Reply to #35)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

jelizabeth

He was projecting his flaws onto you. No wonder we feel beat, huh? Don't be sad too long. Your becoming YOU again!
Nov 29 - 3PM (Reply to #33)
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

a very powerful that is used

a very powerful that is used in psychological torture. Mine is the King of this.
Nov 29 - 2PM (Reply to #30)
Used
Used's picture

jen79

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR. i would like to meet the "MAN", who wrote that ..i truly would have a little word in his shell like ear..
Nov 29 - 2PM (Reply to #31)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

There is a website I ran

There is a website I ran across where a bunch of apes get together and discuss how to get as much p*ssy as they can possibly get while NOT letting the woman get her claws into them. It is appalling and revolting beyond words. I TOLD you guys there are bad people in this world!!! And they are not just on the news lol. I'd like to meet the man who wrote that too. I'd have lots of fun pushing HIS lever. Don't get me started. He'd be afraid of p*ssy if I had my way. Oh wait, he already IS afraid of it, which is why he has to approach it like some kind of neanderthal (no offense against neanderthals).
Dec 4 - 5AM (Reply to #32)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Brie

I am reading this at 6am and you have me laughing my ass off...
Nov 29 - 11AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

jen79

I know. I am another one who stayed with him via text even though we lived thirty feet from each other. He made a point of avoiding me, not calling or answering calls, never going anywhere with me, even taking a different route to school when it was time to pick up our kids. I am ashamed of myself still, and I too still dream of him every night--especially about having sex with him. There are good and bad days, and really good and really bad days. They say it gets better. :)
Nov 29 - 12PM (Reply to #25)
jen79
jen79's picture

I think I am better again

I just had a very bad day, and I am feeling better again. I dont want anyone here to lose faith that it does get better, cause it does. Slowely, yes, but step by step, and I see now, the most strength I get from, is the knowing, that even if I have set backs, I can get myself into a better place again, within days, it doesnt last that long anymore. I guess its this 3 steps forward, 2 steps back thing. You know, I see that sexual attraction thing, dreams and so on is always ONLY a problem for me, when I am feeling powerless and unworthy. As soon as I have my senses back, the thought of sex with him only disgusts me. Ughh...what journey
Nov 29 - 11AM
Used
Used's picture

jen79

it will be fine again, you had a good day yesterday,and now today is bad, and tomorrow is another day....you will get passed it jen, i know you will please block him soon, was it briesies who asked to how much it was for the thing you need to change your phone, i dont mind contributing as well..... you WILL BE FINE!!!!!!
Nov 29 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
jen79
jen79's picture

thanks used

I know you are right, maybe tomorrow will be a better day again, I am afraid of sleeping now, cause afraid what I will dream. I will ask my family to give me money to get this app. This needs to be done. I hope this nightmare is over by to tomorrow.
Nov 29 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Hugs.....

Jen, You did see your happiness in your hands, and that you have given power away to the N! You still do today but realizing and feelings don't always match up. It creates more CD which is hell on earth. Maybe I triggered you to remember those texts and obsess about it? If so, I'm sorry :( I meant no harm, but I was happy you had a realization, that's all :( Your having a bad day and that's ok. You need to feel this to heal yourself. Your not an FAN! If you were, you would not be here learning about moving on, right? You will heal! I know you will from your posts I hear determination. XO