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one month

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#1 Mar 23 - 9AM
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

one month

It's been one month since I found out that I moved to Guam for a man who flew another woman (really a stranger) to Hawaii while we were engaged. I'm still a little shaken up by that revelation... since he couldn't bother to just tell me that he didn't want to get married. Do you think that's an unnatural length of time? Especially after he spent months asking for my emotional support to deal with his issues, which I now know were just caused by guilt and shame?

I know the answer to this question. I'm just trying to deal with his N-mother's condescending non-empathetic attitude.

Grrrrrrrrr

Mar 23 - 5PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

he used the 'sympathy' lure on you

I'm just trying to deal with his N-mother's condescending non-empathetic attitude. You answered your own question. Can you go No Contact with her? Could you move again? Find a job and make a life for yourself. Gotta wonder what he's going to do with that other woman eventually. They always repeat their behavior. ALWAYS. Barbara http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com
Mar 23 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

I don't need to move

I don't need to move again... I'm in Guam and they are on the mainland. It's all by email and her email address goes straight to my trash now. I have a great job and a great life. I am relieved that he's gone and grateful that I got rid of him before our wedding. I just refuse to accept the notion that using someone is ok ever. She feels differently about that I guess. I have no doubt that he'll repeat his pattern... he's done it before me several times.
Mar 24 - 8AM (Reply to #10)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ms_jeeves

this is so great making lemonade out of lemons go you!!! YAY! Of course his mother feels differently. He probably inherited his b.s. from her. Pathology has been proven to be somewhat genetic. Usually at least 1 child gets it. After that the "nuture" aspect cements it. She should be so proud... NOT. Barbara http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com
Mar 23 - 10PM (Reply to #5)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Same here ms jeeves!

I feel lucky to have barely escaped close to committing for good...phew! This time last year, I thought my life would be sooo different, I would have been newly married, blissful, happy...yada, yada. Which would have all been short-lived of course! Good for you for making a nice life for yourself! I am getting there, and it's good to hear about others doing just fine without their N around. :)
Mar 24 - 2AM (Reply to #7)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Quietude

I'm so glad you got out before you married him too! You escaped so much torment and cruelty that I truly believe you have lots to celebrate. I know it's hard to feel that way sometimes, but think about how much worse things would be if you were living under his thumb right now, confused as to why he treats you the way he does and trying to return things to the way they were in the beginning. It's a maddening way to live and will most certainly push anyone to the edge of their sanity. Like Ms. Jeeves said, we fell in love with an image. Not only do we have to grieve the loss of the relationship, but we must come to terms with the fact that this man duped us into falling in love with a fraud. Just be glad you got out when you did. You can now re-create your life and find the happiness you deserve. It takes some time so don't get frustrated that you are still grieving. This is part of the healing process. It's important to get-it-out and grieve. Only by doing this, can you heal yourself and become ready to move on. We all deserve to celebrate. Some days we celebrate, other days we get-it-out and cry. Either way, it's all good because we are taking care of ourselves for once and this hard work will be worth it! Stay strong, Lisa
Mar 24 - 8AM (Reply to #8)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

thanks Lisa

I appreciate the words of encouragement. I know it will be a while before I feel whole again. This doesn't feel like a normal break up, this has been extremely tough...maybe because the huge amount of energy and emotion you have to invest. It's hard to undo all of that quickly. I have times where I still feel badly for him, but mostly because he doesn't get that his behavior is abnormal and destructive, and maybe never will. I have enough strength right now to stay away from the situation, so that's a start. I know in my heart I'm much better off.
Mar 24 - 10PM (Reply to #9)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Quietude

Yes, you are better off. I'm glad to hear you're feeling strong. Keep it up! We're here for you!
Mar 24 - 12AM (Reply to #6)
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

Hurray!!

I know what you mean... I thought my life was going to be so different too! Newly married (New Year's Day wedding schedule... blissful... happy..) :-) and I know it would have been short-lived too! I just took a little walk to get away from desk for a few minutes and to cry (it's raining... always easier to cry in the rain). I know that this is better than being in a phony relationship but I still need to mourn the loss of my dream a little. I think you're doing just fine! I'm glad you're out there!
Mar 23 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Ms. Jeeves

Oh, he will definitely repeat his pattern. They always do. I'm glad you enjoy your job and should be so happy you got rid of him before you married him. Celebrate your life! You deserve it!
Mar 23 - 10PM (Reply to #4)
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

I like the idea of

I like the idea of celebrating! I know how fortunate I am in so many ways. There's no need for me to let these crazy people annoy me! I guess I'm just struggling with righteous indignation. I understand, without question, that he behaved badly and has done nothing to express remorse or make amends. I'm glad to be out of contact with him. However, righteous indignation... that pure sense of *knowing* how bad he was... and replaying it and finding new things... is holding me back right now. I need to put aside the definition of his pathos and my internal checklist that I keep comparing his past behavior against. That's what I'm struggling with right now. If I wasn't feeling righteous indignation, his ridiculous mother wouldn't have been able to affect me. I'm still stuck in wanting to say to her: "OMG... isn't it obvious that he's a creep? Oh... and ... by the way... weren't you even a little bit horrified that he tricked me into moving to Guam for him? Not even a little? How about the fact that he spent months playing these games with me while falling in love with someone else?" I grew up with a family and a community where adults acted like adults and not 3 year olds.