1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. The Path Forward Forum
  5. The OW will suffer, but I don't want to wait

The OW will suffer, but I don't want to wait

9 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jan 15 - 6PM
Skb
Skb's picture

The OW will suffer, but I don't want to wait

I FEEL better, more like my old self. BUT I JUST CAN'T STOP THE OBSESSING. It seems like the OBSESSING seems to have switched over from obsessing about him and me to OBSESSING about him and the OW. I looked at his church bulletin on line and she joined his church. It made me ill. He pretends to be this wonderful Christian leader, but I know the truth. Multiple Affairs...two ex wives who he devistated, ex girlfriends who he destroyed and cheated on, doesn't even include what he did to me. (I am married.)He is a PATHALOGICAL LIAR who makes up stories all the time to make himself look good, etc. But she is in heaven now. She told someone they are so much alike and he is the one. He is POURING IT ON. She will find out. How do I STOP the angry OBSESSING? I just can't get there. (Yes I know.....stop looking online.)

Jan 21 - 3AM
midnight7
midnight7's picture

Hope all well Skb

Narcissists seem to despise the woman they're with - after all she was silly enough, in his mind, to fall for this con - that there's a real relationship to be had with him. The narcissist's main woman is purely secondary supply, the one he turns to only when he can't get primary supply - adoration/satisfaction from colleagues/neighbours/affairs/porn. So the woman that he is with now is the enemy as far as he's concerned, she's secondary to his needs which lie elsewhere. If not already, she will soon become a devalued object because he has her - he wants new sources, any other source than the readily available one. This is truly not an enviable position. With the narcissist it may all start with the romantic whirlwind but as Jeff Goldblum said in Jurassic Park: The Lost World 'Oohh, Aahh, that's how all of this starts, but then later there's the running and screaming'. She will be treated no better than anyone else was and very soon she will be miserable and in despair. With any addiction the obsessing about any aspect of it takes a long time to stop. Let go - we choose the tape to play in our heads. Every time the wrong tape plays find a happy/motivational word/phrase to replace the thought with and repeat it over with deep breathing. This really helped me with obsessive thoughts about all aspects of the relationship - meditation and the associated breathing techniques plus motivational blocker meant there wasn't any space left in my mind for dark thoughts.
Jan 21 - 8AM (Reply to #8)
Skb
Skb's picture

Thank you

Thank you for your insight. It helped so much to read what you said. You are so right. I will take your advice. I haven't tried this technique. I need something!
Jan 16 - 5AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Oh yea I went thru this phase

Oh yeah I went thru this phase and I still think about how I cant wait for her to get hers however it doesnt run my life anymore. Its just takes time and no contact once you have enough no contact behind you slowly and I mean slowly become a little less interested because you are not actively "in it" anymore. Stay away and eventually the obsessing will stop. Time Time Time
Jan 16 - 1AM
Journey
Journey's picture

You've GOT to stop looking!

You've GOT to stop looking! All that does is keep the obsessive thoughts active. Next, remember the bad and why you can't be with him. You know what he's doing with her is just an act and the mask WILL come off. Then the bad will start for her too. Be grateful he has supply to keep him away from you. You are clearing out the toxicity the further away he is. Nothing about this recovery happens overnight, patience has to be accepted. Try to care more about your freedom from him and from the abuse and to do a conscious retraining of your thoughts. You are better off without him! As long as you keep looking them up and finding out things, obsession will continue. Contact=pain and that includes indirect contact.

Journey on...

Jan 15 - 11PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

In order to stop obsessing,

In order to stop obsessing, you have to stop caring. Plain and simple. Re-direct your thoughts to something worthwhile. He nor the OW is worth a minute of your thoughts. Leave him to his own devise and free yourself of the hold he still has over you. The thoughts of them will begin to become less and less, but you must do the work to remove them from your mind. Take up a hobby, volunteer, become involved in civic activities, join a gym, learn to bake, take walks, learn to paint, basket weave, what ever it takes for you to occupy your mind on something other than them. The obsessive thoughts do pass. You will find that out soon enough. Stay strong, know your worth and know that he will answer for his actions one day.
Jan 16 - 4AM (Reply to #2)
Skb
Skb's picture

You said it.

In order to stop OBSESSING you have to stop caring. That is it. I still love him. I have loved him for most of my life. NORMAL human beings don't just stop loving.
Jan 16 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
TNR1
TNR1's picture

SKB...absolutely it is normal

SKB...absolutely it is normal to still care about someone you had a relationship with...but in a normal relationship, there is a point where you both move on...meaning, he has his relationships and you have yours and typically, you don't spend the rest of your life obsessing over who he is with and focusing on her. You were not in a normal relationship and you did not receive closure...so you are stuck. You haven't finished the process of letting him go...which is what you need to do. No matter how many ways to Sunday you obssess about her, you aren't going to be able to influence or impact their relationship but you are able to keep yourself in a state of bitterness for as long as you keep your focus on anything other than yourself. It seems to me you need closure to move on..and you aren't going to get closure from him...not in person at least. I think it would be really helpful for you to do some imagery work. Before you go to bed, imagine you are standing on one side of a bridge and he is standing on the other (forget the OW, she is inconsequential). Now walk towards each other and end up at the middle. Tell him EVERYTHING you need to tell him in order to feel that you have control over the end of things. At the end, I want you to tell him "I let you go...Good bye". Then I want you to turn and walk off your side of the bridge, it doesn't matter if you look back and he is still on the bridge, he is no longer your concern. When you walk back to your side of the bridge, remind yourself that he is a Narcissist and that you deserse a better relationship than the one you had with him. Make your peace and let him go. It may take several sessions because you may discover more things you want to say to him....that is ok...the point here is that you are in control of the ending and you are letting him go mentally as well as emtionally. It also doesn't matter if he doesn't leave the middle of the bridge, this isn't about him...it's about you making yourself a priority again and breaking the ties you have to this man. I found the bridge imagery to be very effective as part of my recovery (along with Therapy).
Jan 16 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
Skb
Skb's picture

Thank you so much

Thank you for taking the time to offer this advice. You are exacttly right. I am stuck. I will try this and I will let you know how it works. (I have seen a hynotherapist several times and this technique is very similiar.)