People Pleasers are Prime Targets for Abusers

excerpts:

If you’re a ‘people-pleaser’, then you may be unintentionally attracting controlling, abusive people into your life who will always consider their own needs above yours. The problem is if you consistently subvert your own needs in favor of catering to what others want or need instead, then you’ll become an easy target for just that type of selfish person.

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OUTSIDE, people-pleasers appear:

* Very organized
* Easily liked
* Placators or appeasers
* Helpful, supportive
* Courteous and considerate of others
* Interested in others’ welfare
* Generous with own time and energy
* Ready to volunteer
* Accept delegation easily
* “Company men”; very loyal
* Work hard at pleasing others
* Talented, skillful, and creative
* Encouraging and reassuring
* Go along with requests made by others
* “Together,” warm, and caring persons

But INSIDE, there’s a whole lot of something else going on:

* Fear of loss of approval
* Fear of rejection
* Fear of loss of personal identity
* Fear of loss of personal worth
* Denial of problems
* Self-denial or ignoring of personal rights
* Feeling lonely and isolated from others
* Avoid conflicts or fights at any cost
* Feeling not “good” enough
* Feeling undeserving
* Feeling inferior to others
* Concern about satisfying others’ demands
* Insecurity about personal abilities, skills, or knowledge
* Unhappy over not pleasing others
* Embarrassed by personal looks or behavior that displeases others
* Confusion about why it takes so much energy to please others
* Fear of not “doing best” for others’ sake
* Fear of letting their friends and family down
* Fear of failure
* Fear of it being “found out” they are not as good as they appear to others
* Fear that others will recognize their failings
* Desire to run away to avoid the stress of “always” needing to be “good”
* Exhaustion from always trying to be “perfect”
* Disappointment in not being able to make everyone happy
* Critical of how well they are doing in their personal lives
* Feel unappreciated or taken advantage of
* Feel taken for granted
* Feel like they are being treated like victims
* Fear of making a decision lest it be the wrong one
* Come unglued easily under pressure; unorganized

And then there’s the personal damage people-pleasing behaviors cause:

* Low self-esteem
* Loss of personal identity
* Loss of personal rights
* Being taken advantage of
* Loss of personal time
* Ineffectiveness in managing work
* Inability to direct or supervise others
* Inability to achieve personal goals
* Inability to take a leadership role
* Poor problem solving abilities
* Burnout on the job or at home
* Chronic state of being unappreciated
* Immobilized by irrational beliefs
* Guilt over not accomplishing enough or not being pleasing enough for others
* Inability to maintain healthy interpersonal relationships
* Loss of appreciation for self attributes
* Inability to accept kindnesses from others
* Chronic state of self-deprecation
* Chronic state of being hard on self
* Lack of trust in others’ sincerity
* Chronic state of insecurity in interacting with others
* Inability to make a decision
* Do not know how to relax

And, there are the irrational beliefs of people-pleasers:

* I must be liked by everyone.
* I must do nothing to upset others.
* I must work harder to make things better for others.
* They would never like me if they knew the truth about me.
* I must be careful in my decision making so as not to upset anyone.
* I can never do enough to please them.
* I am responsible for other peoples’ happiness.
* How they respond to me is important.
* The harder I work for them, the more they will appreciate me.
* If they don’t like me, I’m no good!
* Always put others first! Put yourself last.
* There is no task I won’t do for you, large or small.
* People can only like you if you appear nice, pleasant, friendly, and cheerful to them.
* Your only role in life is giving to or helping others.
* If you are not successful, you are a loser and losers are ignored, unloved, and unwanted.
* It’s not who you are but what you do that counts.
* You must always be understanding and have an open mind with people who are hurting you or putting you down.
* If someone doesn’t accept me, it must be that I’m not “good enough” to be accepted.
* No matter what I do, it never seems to be “good enough.”
* I can do nothing right. I am worthless, useless, but I can’t let others see this about me or they will reject me.

Read the whole article here: http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=175