Perfect People

He thought I was perfect, I thought he was perfect. A perfect little lovefest. How Pathetic.

I remember being uncomfortable with his early worship - I kept saying that I was not perfect, that there was nothing perfect about me. I didn't want that pedestal. It was uncomfortable. I could never live up to those expectations.

I kept trying to make it real. To humanize it. Trying to find him behind that perfectly beautiful mask. I confessed to some of my (many) imperfections, he played along with a few (so self-aware!) past mistakes. But I couldn't find his genuine humanity. There was veiled sarcasm, bitterness and (later) rage (none directed at me in the first year). But I couldn't find any simple happiness, joy, hope, humility, real excitement in him. Not to mention openness and honesty. Plus, it was all mixed up in flirting, that false charm, and so much sex. That kept things in a pretty heated fog for a long while.

I think it would have stayed that way for as long as I was willing. It was easy. He "loved" being with me. I was fun, great to "show off", passionate, sexy. How smart he was to see those things in me! Looking back, I am ashamed of my ego now. The first time I said I didn't feel like I really knew him, he looked at me so blankly, like he didn't even understand the question. Caught unaware, like a deer in the headlights. I felt sorry for his discomfort (I look back and think - why???? I was apologizing for being human??). This, after 14 months of getting to know each other. I kept thinking he still didn't trust me fully to just be himself. If I could only prove myself even more, then it would all be worth it.

What a perfect fog.