Has anyone ever listed the pros and cons of their N's? I started a list and so far it has 3 pros and 15 cons. The 3 pros are sex, arms, and humor (when he showed it). How about ya'll?
The pros: He was very active and got me to be more active too (sports, entertainment...) and ultimately helped me out of a small depression I was in (due to the breakup of my bf of many years before him). He dressed well and was taller than me. He was an excellent cook and gourmet.
The cons: everything else, including the things above because:
1) he was too active, always on the run (mostly running away from himself I guess)
2) He would boast too much about his cooking skills and taste, makes me gag now.
The sex was good until I realized that I was an object called NEXT and his pp had been in a lot of other places in a short amount of time. That little man was a womanizer - a user. He killed everything about US that was good. The only pro - hmmmm - ???
Here is an excerpt of my Keeping It Real List.
If your man is too busy being important and completely uninterested in the well being and feelings others (including his kids) – he is not a man of greatness!
If your man will run you over, to get to whatever makes him look and feel important – he ain’t that special.
If your man doesn’t have any close friends, says all of his ex-girlfriends are crazy, manipulates, alienates and intimidates others, and has serious mommy issues – he is not a man of power.
If you man’s long resume of relationships includes behaviors like abandonment, grudge f&*king, and lawsuits over petty money and his ex wife's suicide - he is not a man of integrity.
Narcissists don’t change – they change people. What a mean-spirited fraud!
Did I miss a Pro in all of that?
Peace and Love - Jannie In the Sun
"Give me a steadfast heart that no tribulation may shatter and a free heart that no violent affection may claim as its own." - Prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas
They are pathological liars, body snatchers, and robbers of hearts and souls. Once his mask came down and I could see that he had no real concern or interest in anything to do with me, I lost sight of any pros.
God bless,
Goldie
did that many years ago trying to figure out what he was all about, had abut 4 pros, sex, companionship, humor, which disappeared in time, shared interests, someone to do things with, and many cons, constant putdowns,criticisms, wouldn't let me be with him and his young girls, anger, rage over small trivial things, walk on eggshells, could not speak my mind, even in a kind, constructive way, could never say anything negative about him, could only disagree on minor things, always had to be in absolute control over everything, on and on, wish /i still had it but remember a lot in those 15 years, plus some physical critcisms of me when he was no hunk himself.
Maybe yours and mine are brothers. lol Seriously, what is with all the control? I never got to meet my N's son. He said he didn't let his son meet any woman that he was seeing. I now realize it's because of his claim to be such a great dad. I'm thinking if I saw them interact, I wouldn't have thought he was such a great dad. Never got to watch anything on tv except what N wanted. The few times we went out to eat whether I paid or he did, I never got to chose. It was his choice. Could only listen to the music he liked. Everything was about him and what he wanted. I just went along with it like a zombie. Now, I see it, but back then, I was in such a fog.
From all i have read and it is alot, they are such control freaks because early on as little toddlers they felt out of control over their lives and thus vowed to ALWAYS be in control forevermore. See they are very fragmented and distraught INSIDE their world and brain, but on the outside excude a smoothness and confidence,like mine did, its a master coverup game, they have been doing it ALL their lives, think of an IMPOSTER, that is who they are and think of a WALNUT, you know it has a real hard, tough shell break one open and if there is no meat inside that is HIM....What is remarkable is the common denominator of traits of so many of these men from all the women on this board, it IS like we all dated the same or close to the same man!!that is why it is a personality disorder and not just a few women venting about men!
On the pro side N was as adventurous and freedom-loving as I am (that's rare to find), spontaneous, sensual and sexy and attractive, absolutely the type I like in looks. As athletic as I am, so that connected us plus a mutual love of nature. And he was always pleased to see me, always had or made time for me. That's not bad after 11 years, is it?
The cons: Typical covert N, very passive-aggressive, often depressed, ambiguous, bad at communication and extremely promiscuous.
The cons were so bad I could never fully enjoy the good sides.
On average I used to see my N two or three times a week. If he was fairly balanced I'd sometimes stay with him for two or three days. If he was restless I would just spend the night with him. I'd not say he was excited to see me but pleased and relieved to have me there. He is a loner and was forever afraid I'd leave him, and it is what I have done.
You guys please re read your pro's list !
All I'm going to say is if that's all there is you're not missing much!
I can't think of any real pros worth jotting down!
Hunter
I actually sent him a list of pro's & con's once. He didn't react well. He didn't even read the pro list (I sent the reason's to break up with him list and then the reasons not to) He called immediately, from the fab, where he always swore he wasn't allowed to have a phone. I sent his to him 1 week before the end, I was crying everyday and sick with anxiety over him. This list makes me sick, I see just how twisted my thinking had gotten and just how under his spell I was. I valued him over my own self!!
Reasons to break up with N:
1. married
2. never see him
3. rarely hear from him
4. constantly disappointing/standing me up
5. his life is complicated and there is no room for me
6. has repeatedly shown that I am not high on his priority list
7. I am single and fairly attractive and could probably find someone else
8. He's not always completely honest with me
Reasons not to break up with N:
1. my heart still flutters when I think of him
2. he paints pretty pictures of a future together (when he's in the right mood)
3. sexual chemistry
4. he makes me laugh
5. he's fascinating
6. he's handsome (I know, I'm shallow)
7. because, even though I don't get to see him or even talk to him much the thought of life with no N at all ever seems empty and bleak
8. because for some reason he seems to want me to stick around even though I bug him when he's busy : )
Wow, wow, holy cow! Your reasons to break up list looks a lot like mine. And, "I was crying everyday and sick with anxiety over him" became a way of life for me.
Tomorrow's my 2 month NC anniversary. I know you're just a few days behind that. We're marching on.
I know I wrote down somewhere a list of why I was breaking up with him (each dang time...grrr).
I'll have to go look that up. Or not.
Thanks for sharing. Dang. Cons so so so similar to mine. Freaky.
(And #8 for "pro" as well)
Pro (and honestly, this is a stretch):
1. Funny when he wasn't depressed
2. Bad boy
3. Fighting for the underdog
Cons (I put it into an acrostic to contain myself. I totally believe that Kiwi could name 100 cons. Totally.)
N is for neglect and never being there when I needed him
A is for always depressed, confused, afraid, trapped, overworked, misunderstood
R is for rage ~ at the world, everyone included
C is for controlling and manipulative behavior
I is for insults, digs and utter contempt for me
S is for says he'll be there and he doesn't show
S is for sex, sex, sex, addicted to sex and porn and his own ****
I is for I was always the one in the wrong, he was never to blame
S is for the silent treatment
T is for threatening and sadistic behavior
early on, especially.
My 'pro' list (gag) had about four things on it which I no longer recall.
The 'con' (how appropriate!!) list was five pages long. My pen was flying across the page without really even trying too hard!
yuck, yuck, yuck. IT'S ALL A BIG CON.
This is a beautiful day. Seven months to the day of pure NC silence! What a great, great gift!
Love and light and good vibes to all on this milestone occasion and gorgeous day from
(no longer) spinning! NOT AN OPTION! PSYCHO BOY TRIED REALLY HARD BUT HE COULDN'T TAKE ME DOWN!!!
My Pros looked a little like 1) Blue eyes 2) computer smart 3) big d*ck
My Cons: A little too much to type... :) Probably like over 100, and thats not me being dramatic.
Is it possible that we gave that much importance to a big d*ck, that we were willing to overlook SO MUCH NEGATIVE?
My answer would be "YES YES YES OH GOD YES!"
WHAT was I thinking? What was I thinking WITH?
Just the thought of having to go back to mere mortal sized men, made me willing to tolerate SO much bullshit. :(
) big d*ck Oh, dang, I forgot to put that on the pro. But on the con side, N was always talking about it and how big it was. I asked him one time did he ever use condoms with people he had been with before me and he said "Mine is too big for a condom, I'd have to get a trashbag." Oh my goodness, can you say arrogant. lol
Huntress!!!! You are on a roll today!!!
BTW, LOVE LOVE LOVE YOUR NEW AVATAR!!!
Keep your gems coming. They lift us up and are so appreciated!
You rock!
Love from
(not) spinning. I REFUSE ALL CHAOS AND EVIL. THE BEAST IS DEAD, THE FREAK IS BACK AT THE CIRCUS WHERE HE BELONGS!!!
that is the biggest laugh i have in days...a trash bag is right...on a diffrent note when my n got my mobile off me one day and looked who i had on it ...he said why am i intials,i said well they are your intials he said no that should say GOD...altho that is not making me laugh and it never did...i remember looking at him thinking is he insane...so i changed it to FAT BOY, now that did make me laugh
The pros: He was very active
My Violent Affection 's Pro/Con list Edited
I think I've blocked all the
Journey on...
I cannot see any pros
Should haveknown
onwithmylife
shouldhaveknown
If only it wasn't for those cons
When you say excited to see
Sparrow
You guys please re read your
no list
I actually sent him a list of
wacaet
pros and cons, just off the top of my head
KIWIS Narc
love your narc letter
Good exercise
spinning
A big congrats to you! What
PROS & CONS
oh no, she's gone and said it!
O.k, this is cracking me up.
) big d*ck Oh, dang, I
Yeah, mines a big Dick
Dick Wad
Ditto most precious
spinning
Spinning
SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
I changed my exnw contact
LOL LOL Done Sourcing