Question on grandiosity, please help!

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#1 Jul 12 - 2AM

liselotte

Question on grandiosity, please help!

Hi everyone,

They say that the reason why someone would not think of her partner as a narcissist is because then you'd expect the gradiosity part in his personality (what narcissism is famous for!), but mine didn't brag or show off, in fact he was always humble and modest.

But, while grandiosity is the diagnostic hallmark of pathological narcissism, there is research evidence that pathological narcissism occurs in two forms,
(a) a grandiose state of mind in young adults that can be corrected by life experiences, and
(b) the stable disorder described in DSM-IV, which is defined less by grandiosity than by severely disturbed interpersonal relations.

I could have never guessed he was a narcissist because he was way too smart to show any grandiosity, he knows it doesn't get him very far. He actually made fun of overtly arrogant, haughty, grandiose people... and I now know why.. because he knew they are the ones who show that to cover their insecurity. Whereas he IS superior, he IS confident and he doesn't subconsciously use it, it's just there.

What's your experience with your N's in respect to the grandiosity part?

I came to realise that with personality disorders; what you (eventually) see is what you get...It's deeply ingrained and not going to change because of your approach or adapted style of communication... or whatever it is you do to understand them. The only thing you can do is to disengage..

#2 Jul 14 - 1AM

Barbara (not verified)

he was 'mild mannered'

http://wrcdv.blogspot.com/2009/05/mild-mannered-attempted-murderer.html

#3 Jul 13 - 1AM

Carolyn

There are people who are

There are people who are grandiose who are not narcissists and narcissists who aren't grandiose but behave in relationships in the cruel way that is the hallmark of that personaltiy disorder. It is not always their display but the terrible way they make others feel that is the consistant part of their problem.

#4 Jul 13 - 4PM (Reply to #13)

liselotte

the way they make you feel...

Yeah .. the put downs in very insidious ways.. ha! That's it. Mine got 5 of the 9 criteria definately, but it wasn't grandiosity. He was a high functioning narcissist and didn't show off about it.

#5 Jul 12 - 11PM

gettin_thru (not verified)

Thank you for the welcome

Thank you for the welcome Quietude. I did the same thing, and asked myself, could he really be a N, because he was not the outgoing, boisterous, life-of-the-party type.

#6 Jul 12 - 7PM

grossot

After his ego injury I

After his ego injury I caught him acting. It was like he couldn't hide it in front of me anymore. Maybe when they figure this out is when they D&D us. Anyway, that was a side note. Back to the acting: I had figured him out as a cheater and he knew it. We shortly thereafter decided to seperate our funds and accounts. At the sprint store we were speaking with the clerk about what we wanted to do and something came up about the clerk moving my address book over into his phone (that's right he conned me into taking his phone and allowing me to help him pay for a new $250 phone). The clerk said something about my address book and N said "yeah because you have so many more contacts than I do". It was like he was trying to give me a compliment to impress the clerk but their was no reason for saying it and it really just came out awkward. Perhaps their ego injuries have something to do with how they act when. Two different personalities. Very odd. Very scary. He know that I've figured him out now but he cannot help but act. Its all they know. Just my 2 cents. Very interesting subject. I bet everyone thinks your N's could not be grandiose because of their 'acts'. Be kinder than necessary to everyone you meet; for everyone is fighting some kind of battle - anonymous- :o) nolongercontrolled

http://hubpages.com/hub/Married-to-a-Narcissist?preview

nolongercontrolled

#7 Jul 12 - 6PM

gettin_thru (not verified)

Quiet Charm

This is my first post... My Ex-N and fiance (I broke off engagement) was the quiet, shy type. He would also act humble and modest and sometimes he would even put himself down which I found endearing, along with his awkwardness and boyishness. He seemed to want to please me a lot. Yet, he was very critical and judgmental of others, and less often so with me. It was insidious and subtle. He didn't brag about his accomplishments. He was a perfectionist and would appear arrogant and cocky in the way he carried himself and in what he didn't say. He was not socially or outwardly engaging of other people, such as store clerks or restaurant servers or even my friends and family. However, he was controlling in subtle ways, a snide remark or put down. The way he carried himself and his quietness could be construed as haughty, but it was mostly in what he didn't say that people I knew, including myself, felt uncomfortable. His reactions and responses often seemed untimely or odd. There was just a general lack of ability or interest in forming any meaningful connection that said "I'm better than you." I did not know he was a N, until someone told me.

#8 Jul 12 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

quietude (not verified)

gettin_thru

Hi and welcome! Yours sounds so much like mine, almost identical. It was a very accurate description of this type of N. You know, I almost bypassed the fact that mine was a N when I was gathering some information after he left. I was desperately trying to figure out what was wrong...with me, him, both. The first thing I read was that they're often outwardly boastful, charming, the life of the party. I thought, NAHHH, he's not like that...but he fit nearly everything else. It was puzzling until you dig deeper and see that their arrogance can be much more subtle.

#9 Jul 12 - 7PM (Reply to #7)

GhostBuster

Mine too

My 2nd N was the covert, shy type of narcissist. I think they're much harder to detect. I had a relationship with the typical "charmer" type and was on the lookout for Ns--just didn't know there was this "other" type. Lesson learned, I hope!

#10 Jul 12 - 8PM (Reply to #8)

quietude (not verified)

charmers

Oh, mine was definitely charming, witty...dry humor...in a quieter way. Having several different types to watch out for just makes it extra fun when trying to find a decent date! (cry)

#11 Jul 13 - 9AM (Reply to #9)

GhostBuster

Charm

Yes, mine too had a different way of charming me. Profiling, figuring out what made me tick and giving me what I needed (at first). Dry wit but quieter about it. I just mean he wasn't the extroverted obvious charmer type.

#12 Jul 12 - 9AM

Tammy (not verified)

Grandiosity can be expressed

Grandiosity can be expressed different ways. He doesn't have to brag - talk about it. Narcissists are all different. He can be quiet, appearing mysterious, he'll be charming always doing the right thing to please you, make you happy and in that quietness he would be radiating charm and charisma, the way he talks, little but effective - faking modesty but radiating grandiosity, the way he walks, smiles, looks at you. There is no universal recipe, they are all different, it is not about what they do that much but more about what they think about themselves and they can be expressing that very differently, they don't have identical personalities, there is still something unique about each one of them.

#13 Jul 12 - 2AM

neveragain

It's Still a Superiority Complex

My ex-N(s) all felt that they knew better than anyone else how to live a good life. The twisted and ironic thing is that none of them were successful or HAPPY. Their attitude (that they knew so much better than anyone else) was very offensive to me. However, I suffered from low self esteem so I was susceptible to their opinion. I thought, "Oh, they must know what they're talking about because they sound so sure of themselves!" They all ACTED like they were humble and modest people....it wasn't until I'd been around them for awhile that I realized how grandiose their opinions of themselves really was. It was only through the constant put downs that I realized how Superior they thought they were. How could ANYONE be better or equal to them? I tried....for way too long.

#14 Jul 12 - 3AM (Reply to #2)

liselotte

Neveragain

Yes, they hate to be around people who are happy and have succesful relationships, there's always something they will find to put other people down in very insidious ways. In other words, they define you. You don't realise what they do until you've been around long enough, yup.. that's it. Here's a quote from the book "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans Unless we know that people are pretending to know our inner reality when they define us, other people's definitions of us can shroud the truth, cloud perception, dim the light of awareness. If we accept them, we may come to believe that what is so is NOT so, and what is not so IS so. Most significant, we may than base our choices upon false beliefs about ourselves under someone else's control. Even with a strong sense of self, if our psychic boundary is frequently assaulted over a period of time, we may begin to feel uncertain. And, in an ever-increasing downward spiral, the more we are uncertain on the inside, the more we are inclined to accept statements from the outside. Thanks for your reply.

#15 Jul 12 - 3AM (Reply to #3)

Barbara (not verified)

expectations

the un-inoculated to Narcs think they are haughty, stuck up and grandiose. As usual - the medical community defines it poorly. These Narcs believe they are PERFECT Their world is perfect They can do NO WRONG You, however, are imperfect and deserve their relentless criticism - score - and bad treatment. That's the real "grandiosity". ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

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