Reappraising....

11 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jun 10 - 5AM
Anonymous (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Reappraising....

So I've come to terms with a few things...Jen79 posted on another thread how we know we've resolved things within ourselves when we can sum it up in a sentence.

Guess I still have work to do. Actually, I feel much better, but not sure how to define where I'm at. I don't want him, will never be with him, don't feel angry but not sure if I've gone to suppression mode - definately do not feel sad or any pain that I can identify not even disgust...and it's not numb...I guess I'm in limbo?

But a thought came to me today. I believe that in order to feel love - there has to be reciprocation. Although when I think of "The Little Prince" that was a one sided love. The rose was a narc...LOL - and he was hurt.

Nonetheless, I have come to terms with the fact that I "loved" someone who did not return that love. Was unable to attach - was not a "real" person - they were real in the flesh, but not in soul, mind, spirit...and so if I were to apply that concept to say an ant...if we could pretend to love ants...ants can't love back, they don't show affection, they do not reciprocate. Babies can't really show love, but you know that they are dependent and eventually WILL love so that has to be ruled out...but let's stick with the ant. I loved the equivalent of an ant.

Did I really love then? I meant to, I thought I did...but I loved someone who really did not exist...so was it love? I know the "feelings" were there...but in hindsight while I "identify" with feeling a "sensation?" of "love" it was with an illusion - not someone real.

So how does one define this? I am having CD over a sentence: I loved someone who didn't love me back. That is the fact, but is it? Is REAL love not symbiotic? How is it possible in hindsight to claim to have loved someone that couldn't love you back?

In a normal relationship...you could love someone and they could DIE. You loved them though, and while they were alive they loved you back. Or sometimes people fall out of love, but they try as best they can to amicably end things...or do they? Is that a fantasy? Is it rare to find the partner who rather than take the easy way out actually confronts and departs but with tenderness or is that a myth?

I don't know at this point how to define things...I am really stumped on my sentence...

I am very well versed with issues narc...but don't know what my last sentence is and wonder if I am deluding myself to defend how much I loved him when in reality he never existed. Is that something to make me feel better? To validate me? To defend my actions? I can't finish the sentence....

Jun 10 - 11PM
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

What is Love Anyway?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amilP-2WF4g LYRICS: I love you whether or not you love me I love you even if you think I don`t Sometimes I find you doubt my love for you But I don`t mind Why should I mind, Why should I mind What is love anyway, does anybody love anybody anyway What is love anyway, does anybody love anybody anyway Can anybody love anyone so much that they will never fear Never worry never be sad The answer is they cannot love this much nobody can This is why I don`t mind you doubting What is love anyway, does anybody love anybody anyway What is love anyway, does anybody love anybody anyway And maybe love is letting people be just what they want to be The door always must be left unlocked To love when circumstance may lead someone away from you And not to spend the time just doubting What is love anyway, does anybody love anybody anyway What is love anyway, does anybody love anybody anyway What is love anyway, does anybody love anybody anyway What is love anyway, does anybody love anybody anyway What is love anyway, does anybody love anybody anyway What is love anyway, does anybody love anybody anyway
Jun 10 - 3PM
girlsinger
girlsinger's picture

Hi Michele 115

Hi There Respectfully, I dont think it is indicitive of any real and true healing just because you can condense a realtionship down to a sentance not at all. especially not one with true Narc look at Lisa, she wrote 2 books on it no, sometimes for some of us there is too much to say, and thats just going tio have to be fine. In my work on the radio doing interviews I always ask about love lost, and no matter the guest, or the subject mainly, perhpas because love and why's and how's is a subject that has always been so fascinating to me so, be they famous or imfamous from the field of sport or science the best and brightest, they all still have a 'story" when it comes to a love in thier lives sometimes its tender sometimes it is froth with complication but I venture to say with all due repsect that we shouldnt be holding ourselves to that standard some of us will never just have a sentance and some of us will sentance ourselves, because we dont I'll just take the former and be just fine with it its all about healing..its NC starving the N not a syllable not a breath be blessed k
Jun 10 - 3PM
janine
janine's picture

Romantic love

There are many definitions of love. Romantic love is the most difficult one, there's always projection involved. We fall in love because that other person seems to meet our needs. Then it turns out he/she cannot and it fails. That is true for "normal" relationships as well, and it is a reason for countless divorces. Brain research is pretty close to finding out it is nothing but chemistry. There's a lot of what we call "amour fou" in French (would that be "mad love" in English?). It is infatuation and loving a Narc is about as crazy as love can be. Please Michele, do not for a moment assume that I am not taking the love you felt for him seriously. But if you keep loving and giving to someone who is not emotionally present you must be telling yourself something about that person that is not real. I hope that doesn't sound too complicated and that when you are over him, you will meet somebody who is able to give you the love you deserve.
Jun 10 - 8AM
wisdomneeded
wisdomneeded's picture

hmmmm.

Michelle---first of all I did like the ant analogy! I don't know if this post will make much sense, but here goes. I have read countless books since first encountering NPD, this wonderful forum as well as many many other sites gathering information. The thing that strikes me are THE LIES, THE LIES, THE LIES. From a mom's point of view with my daughter - HOW THE HELL CAN YOU APPLY DISCERNMENT through the lies. I believe you, my daughter and the other beautiful women of this forum were being themselves and loving the person the Narc presented. Not one person on this board is stupid including my 17 year old daughter. Evil diguises itself as light and my daughter and everyone else involved with a Narc fell in love with the light. Read People of the Lie it is so freaking eye opening. I have been taught and then taught my daughter to "believe the best of people"! Therefore when the N says I only had sex one time in h.s. and now I have decided to wait until marriage - you believe that person. You believe him because at that moment in time there is no reason not to! You and every woman on this board are PHENOMINAL-it takes courage to SURVIVE...you will find your last sentence..... Hugs!!!!
Jun 10 - 8AM
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Hey michele :) My thoughts

Hey michele :) My thoughts are that where things start aren't where they end and this process makes your sentence true. For me, I loved someone I thought loved me back....claimed I was their soul mate and we had a special connection. I fell for someone who seemed to really love me back. Then as things went along, I felt like narcette was a broken soul, and that if I loved her enough and showed her what it meant to love.....she would love me back. Kind of like your comparison to a newborn, that in time they WILL love you back. Of course, then comes the D&D....and the clear realization that they never loved you. So my opinion is that you loved someone who didn't love you back....and this statement is true because we all bought what they sold in the beginning. hugs for you! ~KG
Jun 10 - 8AM (Reply to #4)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

kg

You said: I felt like narcette was a broken soul, and that if I loved her enough and showed her what it meant to love... And that was the "draw" for me, on the friendship level. We were friends first...I was drawn or felt a need to reach out and "help" NOW, I read alot about certain "theories" that I don't agree with because it has been in my nature to always want to help...AND I know that part about childhood and issues and how we're molded and that makes us...blah, blah, blah...BUT it wasn't about that. It has to do with what we're taught as "spritual" beings...about loving your brother, helping one another...he presented so out of touch, so screwed up, so distressed and said he thought at times he might get weak and fall off the wagon. I tried to help him with meetings and so on for Christs sake! He had me convinced he was the Domestic Violence Victim...knowing what I know now...PROJECTION - he drove his wife crazy!...It was a while before it became an "emotional" affair - I guess when you open that box anything is game but I really wasn't looking to hook up with anyone? I mean if it happened great, but I didn't need a married man, and I told him that, and I meant that, and I would send him deals from Bed and Breakfasts as suggestions for him and the wife. What I liked was just having that "male" perspective although he seemed to need the female perspective more? AND I guess this goes to show that NO, men can't be platonic...because over time, we did end up "bonding" but it wasn't like I wanted to snatch him away? AND I did find out in hindsight even from the wife that they were already "estranged" even though still married and such and it had been like that for a time...but that seemed to bother HIM and I was trying to help him with "communicating" with her? Ideas of "thoughtful" things...that kind of stuff... But then it got all friggin crazy...no excuse...but what is significant was that draw and I did feel very "protective" of him? He used the "victim" card...but that being said... It wasn't about getting him to love me so to speak...it was more about trying to help him because he seemed like a nice guy but claimed to not even have family support RED FLAG ALERT!!! I mean, what does someone with empathy do? Where is the middle ground? He worked his show well...and after he got what he needed...his "transistion" POOF! AND I can clearly see it's the same with the new woman...he can't make his rent alone so he will drain her, until he's had enough of her...he'll start trolling again, and line up the next one...he was trolling with her...I witnessed some banter on FB...and at some point...POOF! She'll be history too...in hindsight, I look at his pattern...it was so clear, but I thought I was "so special"...LOL SO even though I thought it was love, and I had intense emotions...it wasn't I guess. AND I disagree about certain theories as they pertain to me because I don't feel this 'draw' all the time...this was a unique experience...perhaps one other disordered person...but the rest...just jerks, but not pathological...not like this. Thanks for the insight... Hugs!
Jun 10 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Interesting topic

Interesting topic Michele.... I feel like we can truly love without it being reciprocated....not that it's wise or ideal. Like people who love tigers and have them as pets....only to be mauled later. In the case of narcs.... at first there was this package all dressed up to be what would lure us in and then capture our love....and in the end we're left holding something completely different.....something we loved that could never love us back.....and that's mindeffing.
Jun 10 - 4PM (Reply to #6)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The reciprocation issue

I don't think the issue is so much that we weren't loved in return... I'm not heartbroken because I can't hold a philosophical conversation with my year old nephew when he pulls down my sister's book of Shakespeare off the shelf... the fact that my roommate's cat after the final D&D didn't meet me at a mature adult level doesn't crush me. It's more of a matter that we loved, and our love wasn't even ACCEPTED. After the final D&D, I gave trinity spice mixes to the professors on my senior oral examination panel, as well as my advisor... the ex-Psych prof was on my committee. When I gave him the spice mix, he didn't even know how to ACCEPT it. It was a no-win situation for him;he wanted to give it back, but knew that would look bad, and when he received it, there was NO gratitude. He claimed it would exacerbate his IBS. Society tends to view unrequited love as loving and not being loved in return. Yes, it hurt that the ex-P didn't love me romantically. Romantic rejection hurts. But it's that he wouldn't accept my unromantic, unconditional love-THAT is what hurt. I was punished for it. Publicly humiliated. Endlessly lectured. Targeted for a smear campaign. Reduced to tears publicly. THAT hurts a lot more the typical romantic rejection.
Jun 10 - 7AM
wacaet
wacaet's picture

maybe there isn't really just

maybe there isn't really just one sentence for any of us we can sum it up as best we can, but it's really a complex issue, so many things are involved When my N D&D'd the woman whose blog I found, she said "I miss the dreams that I had about my future with him, but I didn't see him very much, so it would be hard to say that I miss him" that's almost perfect for me, except, at least at first, I did miss him, the pretend, good him, that I fell in love with, the illusion of him, the potential him? Funny you mentioned The Little Prince, we used to read it every year in French class and for some reason, I re-read it when I first started talking to N...my subconscious way trying to tell me something!
Jun 10 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Wacaet

The Little Prince is a classic... But yes, is it realistic to insist we "loved" an illusion? It was an illusion, yet we hold on to the notion that we "loved"...how can that be? That's the conundrum I'm trying to get out of... Hugs!