The Reason NC works & "Standing Up for Yourself" Doesn't

(I'm not an expert. I'm recovering. I'm open to feedback.)

I stood up for myself PLENTY in the relationship. But here's the thing: when dealing with a Bully / Psychopath there's nothing they want from you except to Destroy, Control, Manipulate. So, standing up to my EXNH-Psychopath was What He Wanted. He wanted me to FIGHT him, fight with him, give him a good "run for his money" The more I engaged, the More He Engaged me, the more drama, THE BETTER. This is why - there was no peace. If we had a peaceful life - he did something to stir it up. He didn't want peace. He didn't want me to have anything. It was all for him. He'd throw me trinkets to keep me happy/quiet/in-line - Real Trinkets, and Promised Trinkets, and Trinkets of Him, Trinkets of hope.

He was (is) a liar.

The ONLY way to STAND UP FOR YOURSELF with people like this is to -Shut Up -Get Out. He didn't want me to GET OUT. He wanted me to stay so that he could continue to Kick me - Demand of me -Lord over me- etc. I was his TOY. I was another possession. And because I was (am) so strong & smart & capable - he had a REALLY fun time trying to keep me down.

At the end, I got wise to him (though I still didn't know what to call it -- didn't know it was Narcissism or Psychopathy) and I would shut up. I would draw lines. I would demand. I would say NO. And he FLIPPED. This is when the DEATH THREATS began. They were small - quiet - creepy - covert. Bizarre. The STRONGER I GOT the crazier he became. And of course, I had to deal with that. And THAT was exhausting. And time consuming. All consuming.

So, do yourself a favor -- AND JUST GET AWAY FROM the Abuser. And stop talking to them forever. Because there is NOTHING to work out. They don't really want to apologize or get along. They want to dominate, bully, control, torture, traumatize and WIN. In a healthy relationship (of which I have MANY) we both want to WIN. It's a WIN-WIN. In relationship with a Psychopath It's LOSE-LOSE.

He could have had a really nice life with me. We had everything all set up for a nice life. It looked REALLY good on paper. Except my body and soul was dying. And all the material success show was built on a house of cards. And as someone on here told me yesterday - I have no idea how deep the layers of deception go -- I believe that. I don't really care about his secret lives, and the lies and what they cover up.

I just want to be free -- to be on my way. I want him to be a distant story. I want it to be just a bump in the road of my life, and not a definition of my life. I think that when I am completely free of him financially, and when I don't have any need for his child support, when all the alimony has been paid, and our property settlement is complete -- when all the money is in my account and I'm self-sufficient -- THEN. Then. How will I feel? More Safe? More Free? We'll see.