Red Flag Warnings.

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#1 May 6 - 11AM
carol24
carol24's picture

Red Flag Warnings.

Hi everyone,

I have just read a post from Jen where she said what her red flag warnings were (warning signs that she wished she had not ignored).

http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2011/05/06/red-flags-i-ignored

It certainly helps me to know that I was not alone in being in denial about some of my N's bad points. I think in the early days I did not want to see them because I wanted to believe that he was my Prince Charming.

I found Jen's post really useful and would like to share my N's red flag warnings and also know what other people's were. I find it really helpful when I hear other people describe how their N's behaved and it is similar to how mine was. It reminds me that I'm definately right in thinking that he is a narcissist (gives me a sanity check).

Here are my N's Top 10:

1) He was rude and hostile to his mum and she behaved as if that was normal.

2) He was always unsymapathetic whenever I was ill and refused to help me get to a doctor. (Except on the oneoccasion that I needed emergency contraception!).

3) The family pet dog was attacked by burglars who got into his parents's house but all he cared about was that they had taken his CD's. He was angry with the dog for not protecting his property.

4) He disliked all of his ex-girlfriends and told me I was a much better catch than them.

5) Six months into the relationship he said "I want to be engaged to you by Xmas". Xmas came and went. It never happened.

6) If I dared to challenge him about something that he had done which had really hurt me I would always end up apologising to him and feeling like it was all my fault.

7) He regualarly arranged to phone me on certain days/times and then didn't keep to it but never offered an explanation. If I asked for one he reacted as if I was needy and possesive and would make me feel guilty for asking him to explain.

8) I once asked him if he would read a self-help guide for improving relationships in an attempt to improve our relationship. He reacted VERY BADLY to this suggestion.

9) He would be different around other people to how he was with me (e.g. moody with me but friendly to other people on the same night out). He would be moody with me when we were on our own or with his friends, but nice to me in front of my friends and family.

10) He always had to be the one to decide when we would meet, where we would meet and what we would be doing.

Everyone, please tell me your red flag warnings.

Carol
xxx

May 6 - 8PM
Sanity Check
Sanity Check's picture

Red Flags

Hmmm. Interesting...maybe I'll tell you about the evolution of what I saw at first and what it became. 1. Started as knowledgeable - ended up being an annoying know it all. 2. Started as gregarious - ended up being someone who would never shut the fuck up. 3. Started as confident - ended up being arrogant. 4. Started as witty - ended up being only at my expense. 5. Started as horny - ended up as pervert.
May 7 - 3AM (Reply to #19)
carol24
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Yes!

Yes! I thought mine was very calm, strong and didn't get stressed. Later I saw that he was simply cold, emotionless and insensitive.
May 7 - 6AM (Reply to #20)
onwithmylife
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Carol24

I thought that of mine exactly, cool, clam, in control at the beginning, not easily stressed, very fatherly boy was I wrong he did a great snowjob over me, Inside he is a terrified, trembling , chaotic little toddler, thanks to mom!
May 7 - 10AM (Reply to #21)
terri
terri's picture

While reading through these,

While reading through these, I suddenly remembered something from very early on the relationship with the N. His narc tendencies were just beginning to show but at the time I had no idea what was going on. He would say or do things that would completely confuse me and looking back, I think he was trying to upset me - get a reaction. Once, I didn't react at all to something that was obviously said to make me mad. I think I must have sensed he was trying to start something and I REFUSED to give in (I can be extremely stubborn myself). Anyway, this infuriated him that he couldn't get to me and said "you have ice-water running through your veins." I had never heard anything like this EVER from anyone else in my life before this. In the years to come, he would say this exact thing to me several times in similar circumstances. Now, learning about how narcs need to extract strong emotions from us to feel alive themselves, I totally understand his motives as well as his frustrations when I wouldn't react as he wanted me to

Believe in yourself!
Terri

May 6 - 9PM (Reply to #17)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

#2 made me laugh, how you

#2 made me laugh, how you worded that. lol!!! no doubt! they all start off well...but end up assholes at the end.
May 7 - 6AM (Reply to #18)
Sanity Check
Sanity Check's picture

I know...

it's funny how we construe some things at the start of a relationship as good qualities, and those same things end up annoying the crap out of us later.
May 6 - 7PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

He had four ex wives, and

He had four ex wives, and he's not even 40 yet Has kids from these marriages, and no relationships with them Very violent past Possessive and jealous from the start Bossy--turned to controlling after a few weeks Has parents that are too permissive; they coddle him, to this day, so me thinks he expects women to do the same Very immature behavior Very few male friends Constantly compared me to other women, saying I was the best, but it was weird to constantly hear that Those are just a few that I wish I had paid attention to.
May 7 - 3AM (Reply to #15)
carol24
carol24's picture

Mine was similar.

Mine would say "You are better looking than anyone on the television". This made me feel uncomfortable because I knew it wasn't true. I'm just a normal, average looking woman - not like a model. Mine also was totally spoilt by his mother and was very immature.
May 6 - 6PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

red flags

There were so many I need to gather thoughts about this one and when i list them all you will think I am a true idiot for falling in love with him. Biggest one that comes to mind and most embarrassing: Controlled when I could come over to his house, even after 9 years together. One time when I surprised him on a beautiful summer day feeling lovely, he was so pissed that I had not respected his rules (his sister was there so I embarrassed him) that he made me leave the property and silent treatmented me for a month as punishment. He was NOT this bad at the beginning but I guess he felt fully in control near the end, which was probably no fun for him. I remember looking into his eyes as we were having words on the sidewalk the day he threw me off his property (we are both quiet people so not loud words but it was a fight because I thought what he was doing was so disrespectful and controlling). His eyes were not evil and they looked really sad to me - i do not think he understands his own games. I cried for the whole month and gave him space. He came back without an apology.
May 6 - 7PM (Reply to #13)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Ifinallygotit

Gee yours is so familiar to mine, hmmmmm, I never went to his place unannounced a except one time when I drove an hour to his place to see if we could get back together and was crying to him, he stood at the doorstep, did not let me in and said 'i was just making things worse" and then I left crying like crazy and drove home.He was /is such a control freak, I could not open up his curtains for the longest time and finally one day,. this was in the morning, I did it anyway and he was not too happy, he had to straighten them out.He never apologized for his horrible treatment of me and yet i apologize for anything I was not proud of to him.It was my fault for going back to him so m any different times, he must of had some great laughs the way he could dangle me like a puppet on a string.No more.I guess when you love someone you overlook so much but I will not be that way again, that is my vow to myself.I think my narc understands his games as well and that is why he lives by himself, like a hermit,maybe gets out to the library, shopping.etc.LOVED to use the phone for control and was too cheap to add more minutes, so limited to one phone call a day, gee how generous, but HE could call me as many times as he wanted, did anyone say DOUBLE STANDARD, he was a master of that!!No comfort to me when I was sick, it took the light off of him, he made fun of him when I had this terrible aliment, like he did not believe me.
May 6 - 4PM
Alibi_10
Alibi_10's picture

Red Flags

I can relate to a lot of Carol24 and other's Red Flags. Here are mine - and yes, I chose to ignore them because I became unsure of my judgement !! 1) ... and boy how stupid do I feel for admitting this, he TOLD me he was a predator, we met online and he actually said he had a scattergun approach, casting a net until someone bit. Dur 2) The silent treatment began quite early on. I never knew exactly what I had done, but it was usually a perceived slight or what he termed as me being cocky. ALWAYS followed by a rage and attack on my character 3) Wanted nothing to do with his own family and thought I was ridiculous for contacting my Mum regularly 4) Very mean with money - and I I mean EXCEPTIONALLY mean. I am not materialistic, but have never experienced anything like that. He is very well off, coincidentally 5) Flip-flapping, always contradicting himself so that I never knew whether I was saying or doing the right thing 6) Was very sexual to begin with and said he enjoyed sex with me more than anyone else before .... then a few weeks later said he wanted to be celibate ! That's when I became a 'friend' aaaargh 7) Would also control when I could and couldn't ring, when I could and couldn't visit, when he would visit me etc etc and would sulk if I broke those rules. He said he was re-educating me and indoctrinating me. What part of that did I not understand at the time !!!! 8) Swung between saying he didn't care if he lived or died (would prefer to die) and that I was too light-hearted to saying that he loved life and that I was too miserable (which I was after the first part of this sentence) 9) Would be deliberately vague about what he was doing and who he was seeing, but would ask me the same questions and expect an answer 10) Temper tantrums, like a toddler. Screamed at me that I shouldn't challenge him, because he didn't care whether I was in his life or not, it made no odds to him There were more .... but those are the top ten, because they emerged quite early on and I persisted in wasting, time and money on this man, believing that deep down he really cared for me. I was wrong. I also caused a lot of pain to my friends and family because I was at such a low ebb and believed that there was something dangerously wrong with me. I will be much more cautious in future, although right now I can't see I will ever have another relationship - but somewhere along the line, I will have peace of mind.
May 7 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
carol24
carol24's picture

Alibi

Alibi, Thanks for posting. Mine also did no's 5 and 9 from your list. I can remember very well that I was never sure what his response was going to be to things that I said or did because he was always inconsistent with his resposnes. It meant that I was always in a heightened state of anxiety. When he reacted well to something, I felt relieved and grateful, but still none the wiser to why I had got that reaction on that occasion - so continued to be anxious even when repeating the same behaviour at a later time. I also remember mine being very vague and ambiguous with me all the time so that I always felt unsure of his intentions or of what he meant exactly and I was afraid to ask him to explain. If I did ask him to explain he would give me another ambiguous answer and either make me feel nosey for asking or stupid for not understanding. Alibi, I can relate to a lot of the things you've said in your post. I also believed, by the end, that there was "something dangerously wrong with me". I felt like I was going mad. But having shared our stories with each other we can reassure ourselves - we were not mad, it was their behaviour that was mad and crazy. Hearing that other people's narc's behaved very similarly to mine reassures me that my judgement must be right - he definately is one without question (I still have these nagging doubts at times, despite all I know on the subject). I think that we should not give ourselves a hard time for having ignored these warnings in the past. After all, in the early days, in between doing these bad things, they were doing lots of good things which would have distracted us and made us want to believe that they were good guys. By the later stage we had been brainwashed into accepting this behaviour. The main thing is that we remember this for the future and never let it happen to us again by always recognising these warning signs. Carol xxx
May 6 - 6PM
Steph
Steph's picture

- Had a dysfunctional

- Had a dysfunctional relationship with his mother. hadn't seen any of his other family in over 4 years - Would ask me ( very early on in dating) if I thought he needed a psychiatrist, because he didn't feel normal - jealous and possessive. Would always have his hand wrapped around my upper arm or behind my neck, when walking. - called frequently...to check up on me. - Would question my whereabouts and be accusatory...if I was just 10 minutes late getting to his place. - NO sympathy for me when I was sick or when I was dealing with sick family members. - Would flip if I mentioned anything he did that hurt me....I would end up apologizing as we would RAGEd....and he pushed me in a wall for trying to calm him down then HE called the cops on me....and was calm cool and collected when the cops were there, and gave me a hug lol - Bragged about past violence with men. Bragged about mean things he said to exes. -Arrogant towards my family, service staff etc. - used derogatory language to describe other women...not me though. .....ah I could go on but it just makes me angry to remember all the things I ignored....and blamed myself for!! xoxo
May 6 - 12PM
terri
terri's picture

Carol24

We MUST have shared the same narc!!! LOL!!!!!! You could have been describing my top 10 list (a list that could run into the thousands!) simply more validation - just what I needed today. : )

Believe in yourself!
Terri

May 6 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
carol24
carol24's picture

Thanks Terri.

Thanks Terri! It feels good to know I'm definately right in thinking he's a narc because you agree. xxx
May 6 - 12PM
nancyh
nancyh's picture

The biggest red flag should

The biggest red flag should have been the fact that the harder I tried, the more I did for him ("us"), the more I gave emotionally, financially, psychologically - the more he pushed me away. I actually told him that, that there was nothing more that I could do and that I was exhausted - now that I have found this website (thank God) I understand that it was "classic" narc behavior. Additionally, I clearly remember telling him one day, "I love you so much" and (I remember vividly) saying it with so much emotion, I was crying, not because he did anything to hurt me but because that was how I felt and his response was "don't say you love me like that to me" - I was dumbfounded, wounded, I asked him why and he gave me some lame-o excuse that I accepted but again, now that I have read extensively and found this website (thank you Lisa & the wonderful people that post) I understand that there was probably nothing more terrifying to him, a narc, than my expression of soul baring love. - Wow, even now, it hurts, looking back, and thinking how much I loved what I thought was him - it hurts (but like Spinning - I need to face it). Nan

Nan

May 6 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
carol24
carol24's picture

I was exhausted too.

Hi Nan, I also remember vividly the feeling of complete exhaustion. It felt like I was giving everything I had to the relationship but getting next to nothing in return. Carol
May 6 - 12PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Carol, I listed a few on the

other post but never really posted them before because it was too triggering. But I figure I'm ready to look it in the eye these days so here are a few I remember right off the bat: 1) Extremely jealous. 2) Secretive 3) Told me he loved me after knowing me just three weeks. 4) Had two cell phones (which I didn't know about until two years into it) and I only had one phone number. 5) Switched careers--literally entered entirely different fields--every couple of years. Initially I thought it was exciting and due to his brilliance, later I learned he couldn't hold a job and was always getting fired or in trouble. 6) Never answered his phone but always called me right back saying "sorry, I was in the shower" or something like that. 7) Went silent for some perceived wound I had caused him. At first I just let it go and he would hunt me down a few days later, leave me a note about what I did and how it hurt him and beg me to understand. Soon, that dynamic changed and I was spinning my wheels hunting him down, calling his phone, going crazy until he would toss me a crumb. There's more but I'll beat myself up too much for ignoring some and not knowing what some others meant and I don't really want to go there right now. Carol, I hope you have a great weekend filled with love and laughter and fun! I wish this for all of us here! Love and light from, (not) spinning !!! (not even after writing those reminders...the SUCKA didn't take ME DOWN!!!)

spinning

May 6 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
carol24
carol24's picture

Thankyou!

Hi Spinning, Thanks so much for your reply. Hope you have a great weekend too. Love Carol xxx
May 6 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
Used
Used's picture

SPINNING

everyone of your lists applys to except number 7 and thats b/c he didnt work and hadnt for years, he was my friend, not my b/f/ my husband / or my lover it was a platonic friendship and i put up with all this bollocks and then some, i could continue a list all night, but i wont and i wont wonder were my head was b/c i know where it was i was in a very dark bad place when i met him otherwise this piece of shite would never have got in, i am so glad i am out, he only lives up the road from me, i treat him like he doesnt exsist, but good came out of , it made me adress my long exsisting demons ,that i could have ended up only thinking i was good enough for this piece of slime was indicitive of the lack of self worth i had from childhood, i have adressed that now THANKS NARC GOOD LUCK WITH REST OF YOUR LIFEXX
May 6 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
spinning
spinning's picture

used, they did give

us a gift in a way, didn't they? I like how you look at it like that. I am choosing to look at it that way too. I was at an extremely low point when the destroyer entered my life and I will never allow such a thing to happen to me again. I am re-discovering my VALUE ON MY OWN ... They will always be MISERABLE. We will be better, stronger, wiser, AND MOST IMPORTANT FREE!!! Love and light to you and to all who are here. most sincerely, (not) spinning (not even a little today!!!)

spinning