Rededicating myself towards my recovery

Hello Friends!

I am almost 5 months NC. My world is much a happier place. My mind still go into dark places at times but I only notice it around my monthly cycle--YES, THESE HORMONES!

Anyway, I recently had a situation with this guy at work. He is very good looking, tall, nice and just really flirty with me. For months and months, I just ignored him because I was in the thick of pulling myself out of this hell hole form the N. Well, as I was getting better, I finally start to notice him. He tells me I am beautiful all the time and was always trying to get attention. So, he finally asked me if we could hang out. I finally said, "Yes." To make a long story short, we did hung out, but nothing happened. I kept my boundaries intact. He was also acting weird and I felt like I was in the same situation again, being unsure of how somebody felt about me or unsure about their intentions with me. So, I cut all that flirting back with him after 1 week. I kept it professional at work. I stay nice to him.

It hurt for a little while, especially when I overhear his friends talk about what they did over the weekend (with girls they hung out with). It's not that I want to be with this guy, it just brought out old memories/feelings from the N experience that I am not good enough or worthy enough. I found myself trying to get outside validation.

So, today, I decided, I am going to rededicate myself again towards my recovery. I will refocus on myself and dig deep again. I want to change my way of thinking (i.e. feeling worthy when being asked out by a player, feeling down when things do not meet my expectations). I also realized, it's like being an alcoholic or a drug addict, you will always be in recovery. My biggest goal is my sense of worth will come from inside me, not from some guy paying attention to me, or the amount of friends I have or having certain events happening in my life.

Thanks for hearing me vent out!