Rejection

17 posts / 0 new

#1 Jun 27 - 3AM

Scoop

Rejection

The pain of rejection is terrible, it knocks your self esteem into the gutter as we deal with feelings of shame. Then there is the feeling of someone taking a really good look at you in your most vulnerable state saying "No, I dont care for that."
In life there is rejection and we deal with it and grow from it; however, rejection from the narc is diffrent! The difference is we were never on an equal playing field. Our relationship was doomed at "hello." Its like that stupid film Gerry Maguire "You had me at hello" (Jerry Maguire was a raving narc and I would love to see the sequel to that film when the child is in therapy and Mrs Maguire is on a message board for abused women and in search of a good lawyer) The narc had us at hello alright, hook line and sinker ...
The narc has no personality, inside there is a dark hole where normal people have a soul and a clear sense of self. Instead of a soul, the narc has tummble weed. He invents personas to work people which he can switch as quickly as changing a channel on the tv. Essentially,the person who rejected you didn't exist, it was a made up person, a puppet, a fabrication used to manipulate us for the narcs entertainment ...
How can you be rejected by something that dosent exsist ?

What you will find is that through NC and following the Six Steps something wonderful starts to happen, it doesn't happen over night but slowly, slowly.. YOU START TO REJECT HIM .
The feelings of shame turn into anger and eventually disgust and before you know it there are no negative feelings left, just a clear understanding of personality disorders .
Big love Scoop xx

#2 Jun 28 - 6PM

Susan32

Remember the toxic waste

I'm listening to http://www.kpfa.org and they're discussing the fires&the radiation risk in New Mexico. Los Alamos was evacuated. There's a threat that the wildfires will reach plutonium waste. They even discussed the wildfires of 11 years ago... yes, dating back to the final D&D(!!) I'm relieved I left New Mexico 11 years ago. It really was a blessing in disguise. I'm not living in fear of the poisonous smoke, the irradiated plumes. It was toxic... as is the ex-Psych prof (it's his natural habitat) I'm thankful as I sit here in safety in California... and it's *RAINING.*

#3 Jun 29 - 10AM (Reply to #13)

mystwoman

O.T. I am still in New

O.T. I am still in New Mexico, and the fires this year have been extremely scary. The worst smoke in my particular area came from the Wallow fire on the Arizona border. It's burned over 500,000 acres so far. There's been so many fires, and so much smoke, that the air quality in Albuquerque looks kind of like that old computer game "Silent Hill". Visibility is anywhere from 10 miles down to 1 mile depending on which direction the wind blows. The smoke is so thick, and everything smells like the bottom of an ash tray. I have elderly parents with respiratory problems that I'm very worried about, and I'm now very concerned about this whole Los Alamos mess. It's been like living in a self-combustive ring of fire this year. Be glad you're in California, Susan! I'm praying for rain (lots of it and no lightning strikes please - we'll all ignite like tinder here). Lol. If anyone is interested in reading about these fires, you can find updates at: http://nmfireinfo.wordpress.com/

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#4 Jun 29 - 10AM (Reply to #14)

Susan32

Another member...

Fireflie was in Albuquerque as well, going to UNM. I hope she got away from her husband. These fires are WORSE than the ones 11 years ago, because there weren't visibility issues, and Los Alamos didn't get evacuated. Amy Goodman on "Democracy Now!" had someone saying "This could be the end of Santa Fe." Santa Fe is sandwiched uncomfortably between the Wallow fire on the Arizona border AND the Los Alamos one. I've missed Santa Fe in a sense... but this is NO time to go back. It's not safe (in so many ways) I hope these wildfires get extinguished. It's a terrible situation.

#5 Jun 29 - 10AM (Reply to #15)

mystwoman

Yes, the fires are much worse

Yes, the fires are much worse this year than they were 11 years ago, and they've continued for much longer. I'm living in terror of July 4th. The bosque behind my house has already been on fire once this year. I don't want "round two". We REALLY need a good monsoon season here (and very soon). I also hope Fireflie got away from her husband and that she's alright.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#6 Jun 29 - 10PM (Reply to #16)

Susan32

It's toxic

Not just because the ex-Psych prof lives there! These fires are a very literal way of saying New Mexico isn't a safe place for me (God spoke in a pillar of fire to the Israelites)... with my asthma, no way. It sounds horrible in Albuquerque. This is the summertime, the tourist season when people come to Indian&Spanish markets, take hot air balloons, go to Gruet winery. I hope the situation improves. The Los Alamos fire has been only 2% contained. There are some restrictions on July 4th fireworks... but they're pretty wimpy. During the final D&D, my college got instructions on evacuation in case of fire. When I was briefly going to UNM, I was waiting for my ride and I saw a bear crossing the street (I was a safe distance), who had fled the mountains due to the fire. A bear... in downtown Santa Fe. The fire situation was bad 11 years ago, but New Mexico has been downright apocalyptic lately.... like the mass power outages due to extreme cold. New Mexico has had extreme weather lately. I hope it becomes... moderate. That everything cools down&the monsoon season brings those necessary rains.

#7 Jun 29 - 3AM (Reply to #12)

Scoop

Susan , i have been following

Susan , i have been following this too and the North Dekota floods . Nuclear power must have been the work of a psychopath or at best a psychopathic government .. i mean plutomium WTF how was a substance ever made which has a half life of 250000 years .. this is what happens when we let the psychopaths get in power and its happening right under our noses ! Sigh , i just hope mother nature is watching over us to avoid a massive disaster. xx

#8 Jun 27 - 12PM

mystwoman

You nailed it with this.

You nailed it with this. Rejection has been one of the hardest things for me to get my mind around. It was really hard for me to face (particularly at first) that xnh could throw me out like trash after 16 years without a backward glance. I felt real love and a deep attachment towards him. In me, he saw someone that will "suffice" in a pinch when he's horny, a deep pocket that would help him out with money because he's a true financial idiot, and NS when there was no one else more "important" around. It really hurts to be treated this way. I grieved for him and for my marriage when he cheated and dumped me. He didn't. I was merely a toaster to him. The other part that really was hard for me was that the person that rejected me, really does not exist. I loved an illusion. You are correct. I felt shame that I allowed myself to be taken for a roller coaster ride for as long as I did (and that I allowed him to treat me as badly as he did while continuing to stay with him). Then I felt deep anger that he did this to me for so many years, and I did deserve better than his abuse (as we ALL do). Now, even though I still feel lots of anger towards xnh, I also feel that I'm moving into the "disgust" phase. I am rejecting HIM. Xnh is revolting to me. Quite frankly, xnh is not worth comparing to value of the sweat on my ass. I value the sweat more. At least it has a functional purpose. :)

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#9 Jun 27 - 1PM (Reply to #10)

Scoop

MW

Dont feel bad that you didnt see through him long ago , they can fool professionals you know . and when i wrote "he had us at hello" it wasnt said to make anyone feel foolish , the simple fact is before we knew about narcs we had no idea what we where dealing with , it wouldnt happen now we know , now we have the education that every one should have , thats a positive we can all take with us ... never again ! Scoop xxxx

#10 Jun 27 - 9AM

indenial

wow

What a great post. And the comments here are so helpful. You girls have such a way of putting all this into words and getting your point across. I'm just so grateful. Sadly I'm nowhere near where you all are on the road to recovery and even though reading about narcissism is giving me many wow and lightbulb moments and giving me an explanation for the questions I have like, why did he do that ? And what did that mean, is this normal behaviour? I have to read and read because there seems to be some kind of delay or disfunction inside me that still can't relate that what I am reading about is the man I loved and gave my heart to for 2 years. I can't quite grasp it but I think that is because he won't let me because I havnt managed to establish and maintain nc so he's there filling my head with doubts and being so normal. When he behaves like a raging lunatic and attacks me and tells me to get out of his life why don't I just go nc then ? I think because I feel such trauma at that time and fear that I then feel the need to pacify and then he stops being threatening and turns the charm on and I can't go nc cos I feel overwhelmed by sadness guilt and doubt about what has really happened. I'm still so caught up in this macabre dance that I'm starting to think there is something very wrong with me

#11 Jun 27 - 10AM (Reply to #8)

Scoop

Indenail

What you have just described in youre post is how we have all felt one way or another with our narc , there is nothing wrong with you because if thats the case there is something wrong with all of us lol ... The fact is you have trauma bonding , you are here on the board which is a major step into healing ... part of the problem is identifing the problem and you where smart enough to know and seek help .. What you can rest asured is you will be going NC very soon , there is no way back once you know him to be a narc and the natural progression is NC .. keep reading and know in no way where you to blame for HIS behaviour .. Scoop xx

#12 Jun 27 - 8AM

TovaBella

Re: Scoop's Rejection Post

Scoop, Once again you hit the nail on the head with this post! I watched him reinvent himself for women...including myself. I've also noticed myself rejecting him and all thoughts of him. Lately when he pops into my head, another part of my brain takes over and says, "No, he's a waste of space and isn't worth thinking about...he's already stolen enough precious time and shouldn't be given a second more!" I also think of the phrase, "You can't shine shit" and that's very befitting of him. Thank you again for another wonderful post that once again, points out something that has crossed my mind. Hugs, TovaBella

#13 Jun 27 - 8AM (Reply to #6)

adoette

can't shine

"You can't shine shit" and that's very befitting of him. ha. love this. SO true.

#14 Jun 27 - 7AM

adoette

scoop

What a concept. I mean, that is what is happening (ME rejecting HIM), slowly but surely, but I didn't t think of it that way until I read your post. I "dumped" him, but STILL I feel rejected by him, ya know? Two years of neglect and silence and punishment and rejection don't go away overnight (like you said). Thanks, too for pointing out the "You had me at 'Hi'" phenomenon. Because, really, that's how I feel and that makes self-forgiveness even harder. Like, how did he suck me in SO quickly? It blows the mind. Thanks for this, Scoop. Great post.

#15 Jun 27 - 8AM (Reply to #2)

badjer

I was sucked in from day one,

I was sucked in from day one, too. Even though I chased, when he turned it on he turned it ON. I didn't stand a chance. I walked from mine but his period of NC crippled my emotions. I was left feeling devalued, worthless, like I didn't exist to him. He only broke cover after 2.5 months when I ignored HIS birthday and de-facebooked him. That should have said all I needed to know. He admitted he had "really missed me" and feared getting in contact but - really - what kind of coward's way out is that? I got reeled back in only to be dumped FOR SURE by him second time around. I was warned against it, I knew it was a high-risk but still I went back grovelling for crumbs. That part of it stung like hell for the last 2 months. The rejection by somebody who didn't deserve to be able to take that lofty position after all the shit he had put me through, only to then come back for a second bite and go "no thanks. You're not the same. You're wise to me now. You could dump me again. I'm off." BOOM. POW. He got in there first like a whippet - fearing the inveitability of rejection himself. Do I regret it now? No not really. I learned a valuable lesson and I am learning every day. I now see him more and more as a silly, spiteful, selfish little boy who had to have everything on his terms - beginning, middle and end. To be dumped a second time by me was NOT an option. Even if he did genuinely care about me, then he has shot from the hip and karma will come back to bite him. If he didn't love me, he was one twisted young man who enjoyed trifling with feelings for his own sense of gratification. I think he fell somewhere between the two. I don't still feel rejected by him because I take the view that for so long as I stay off his radar, he too will be curious about me. Each day that you keep away, your value increases. each day, you are saying to yourself "I value myself more than to chase that skidmark.' I am looking at my position from a more holistic viewpoint and I feel - to an extent - I have come out the victor - because I am learning so much that can ONLY be a good thing. I love that phrase 'only when a pupil is willing to learn will the teacher appear.' Life is teaching us all some golden lessons. Keep swimming XXX

#16 Jun 27 - 8AM (Reply to #3)

adoette

badgerbruno

Wow, badgerbruno. I didn't realize that was what happened to you. That stinks, BUT it is obvious that you see it for what it is. He dumped you because he couldn't take the prospect of being dumped twice. I love this line: "I don't still feel rejected by him because I take the view that for so long as I stay off his radar, he too will be curious about me. Each day that you keep away, your value increases. each day, you are saying to yourself "I value myself more than to chase that skidmark.'" That thought is empowering. Thanks for sharing. (((hugs)))

#17 Jun 27 - 9AM (Reply to #4)

badjer

I am very glad if I can offer

I am very glad if I can offer some kind of reassurance in any capacity. This forum has been a godsend in some very dark hours for me. I have laboured and struggled with the question as to whether he simply 'fell out of love' with me and the struggles and strife became too much for him- hence the rejection by him on taking a second look. But now that my rational brain is kicking in, I know that a more sound mind, a kinder, more gentle person would not have played the silly games that he did for so long, nor would they have been so cruel and unkind during the relationship. I firmly believe that in ending it the second time, he was exercising extreme self-preservation. It is a compliment in a way that he didn't want to take the plunge again fully because he knew, and as he said, "I could say or do something and 6 months down the line we could be right back where we are now.." (as in, after another dumping). he said "I can't go through that again, the break-up hurt too much." Good - fly fly fly little coward - I had too much spine for you. You, on the other hand, like all cowards, have a yellow stripe down your back. Most bullies are yellow-bellies. They run and back down when confronted. I wasn't too much for a normal person - but I was for him because he believed in his own perfection and could not handle being challenged. On *anything*. And if I did? The rage - flying off the handle. Then the silent treatment. The list goes on. Good luck to him - he's going to need it if he wants to find and KEEP a good woman with an ounce of self-respect. Even better luck to her - hope she can handle his foul rages and swearing when he doesn't his his way!! Peace and love XXX

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