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#1 Aug 26 - 10AM

Anonymous (not verified)

Restricted locations

I thank you all for answering my prior posts... it is so helpful to be heard and understood. As i told you the people in my life typically respond with, "You are still not over it yet?!?!??!?"

Anyway, for the past several months i have done only the basics... go to work, come home, eat, watch t.v and struggle to get to sleep. I see this as an improvement, as during the first month after the discarding of me i could only cry on the couch and think of new excuses to stay home from work.

I have been TRYING to venture out of the house more, however EVERYTHING triggers me! I went to the mall to get myself some new clothes. I had to leave, bc going to the mall and shopping was one of the things he and i did together regularly. I also realized that the choices of outfits i made when i was with him were always made with him in mind (whether he would find them appealing or not)- i used to dress myself for him. Victoria Secret outfits for him at night... cute outfits during the day (always in high heels). It just felt weird (not in a good way- buying clothes bc i liked them and wanted them. I felt so disappointed at the realization that I had been dressing myself FOR HIM that i had to leave the mall.

There are just so many places i can't go without sitting in my car for a few minutes crying afterwards. My only safe places seem to be my house, my office, and the grocery store. EVERYTHING/ EVERYWHERE else makes me hurt 100% worse than i already am.

I can't go on avoiding the world and living only within my house. I don't even go to the gym anymore, which used to be my favorite place (he is EXTREMELY into his body and uses weights daily- He looks like a steroid muscle head) --so going to the gym is so triggering to me, bc i look at the guys around me and i feel so much HATE for them. See them staring at themselves in the mirror admiring themselves while they complete their sets. All i can think is that there is probably some hurt woman in the lives. So i stay away.

I have a reunion coming up in mid September. I informed the organizer that i will not be attending. The only reason i cant attend is that so many of those who will be there are married with small children... a few of them are pregnant at this time (i keep in touch with some of them via facebook). I just know that will be overwhelming for me, bc i was deceived for an entire year into thinking i would be a wife and mother soon.

How do you all FORCE yourselves back out into the world again. I have no life--- only surviving and avoiding pain.

Jessika

#2 Aug 30 - 5PM

tina

Jessika

oh my little friend, it is so hard! It has been almost 2 yrs for me...I don't want this number to scare you, I think if my life had been just about getting over my "N" I would probably feel better but I have had to deal with unexpected family deaths as well so I truly believe it has and will take me a bit longer but enough of that... You are so fine. God, all of us can relate to what you are feeling and the fact that you seem to be closing yourself off from the world... is so normal, don't know if its good, but it is normal. Why is it so hard for our heart to heal when our head knows they are NO GOOD for us??? This I do not know but please do not despair, it will get better. Soon you will start doing the times you enjoy, spending time at the gym, around your friends, etc. It will happen. It is getting better for me, the 'dark days' are fewer and I am finding joy in the everyday again. This I wish for you. I wish I had lots of money, I would jump on a plane, go to CA and pick up Leah then the two of us would come to see you. We would take you to a nice dinner and just be. I wouldn't care if you talked all about yourself, cried or did whatever you wanted. We all need to feel important enough to someone. These are the times I truly hate not having money. I are in my prayers Jessika. I think you are a wonderful strong young woman. Please know I am thinking of you tonight. Hugs my friend :)

#3 Aug 30 - 11AM

Carolyn

This sounds a bit simple but

This sounds a bit simple but buy something small that has some emotional signifigance like a lucky shamrock, a holy medal, a talisman that you can put in your pocket. then venture out touching the talisman. I did it with a rose quartz crystal. you will be pleasantly surprised how much power you get from the talisman in your pocket. you can't avoid the world because others have children and are married. how do you know where you are going to be in a year? you are moving on and to do that you have to be safe in the world in your own mind. do you really think marrying and having children with this emotionally brutal man was your destiny? I think there is someone better out there waiting for you but you have to leave the house and look. By the way nobody likes re-unions. Everybody feels inferior but it is fun to see the adults who were the 'geeks' in school treated well because they have done well. I went to one re-union and saw the class geek being 'romanced' by the former jocks because he drove up in a Rolls-royce. he was a millionaire in computers and the jocks seemed to be mostly losers. you are going to be a happy person again and if you don't go to the re-union so what! Get out to new places, other malls, build your new experiences, and keep open about what is coming in the future. you are going to get over this and then your life will be your own again. Do something for someone else, be a volunteer, read a book on how to survive a bad break-up, join a group for counseling, go to an al-anon meeting, meet new people in safe settings. Take a class, go to a church, it is hard in the beginning but humans aren't designed to sit on the couch and cry. you are right on the last of the past and are one step away from your new future -take the step!

#4 Aug 28 - 9PM

finallydone

Me too

I'm actually so grateful that you wrote this. I am two months out and he hasn't really left me alone. I was thinking the other day that I'm never going to be able to go anywhere at all in this town because everywhere I drive or see or go has a memory of him and they all seem so DISTINCT, even when the memory itself is of something that shouldn't be all that relevant. Kind of like, I can actually remember walking along a certain sidewalk somewhere and remember exactly what was said... and usually it was some sort of a harsh word or argument. There were soooo many. But there obviously are the good memories too and those hurt the most. But it's constant. I too, get up, go to work where my office feels safe and then come straight home. I interact with my son and walk the dog and go to sleep with my kitty on my legs. But other than that... not much. I have started to interact with friends on Facebook more trying to pull my sense of humor back out and see if it's still there. And I did agree to go to a friends tomorrow night to grill out with some other friends.... but anytime I have gone out... I never completely committ to go until the last minute when I'm really sure I won't be a depressing mess. Who wants to hang around with that?? Anyway, thanks for writing this... I know exactly how you're feeling. It pretty much sucks like nothing else ever has.

#5 Aug 28 - 4PM

annamarie

Difficult Process!!!!!!

I know how you feel too. It's very hard to over come this process. It's only been a month out for me. I think the first couple of weeks I was in shock. In shock of his lack of empathy. In shock that he was a fake. In shock that I believed in him. In shock that I was deceived. That I was lied to, cheated, and never in my life was I in a relationship like that. I mean I was married and that wasn't nearly has bad and this relationship. The dynamics of my relationship with my Ex N was totally different and the most horrible experience I ever had in my life. I mean I am grateful to know the truth because I thought I was really crazy. But the pain that we have to over come in order to move on and stop the cycle is different then anything I have experienced. I mean this experience has changed me some how. I mean it almost broke my spirit!!!!!!! They never change. He will build you up and then suck you dry!!!!!!

They never change. He will build you up and then suck you dry!!!!!!

#6 Aug 28 - 2PM

hurtgirl (not verified)

I know your Pain

Jessika, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I stay cooped up in my bedroom trying my best not to cry. I go through the motions at work then come home to loneliness. I went to a counselor for the first time on 8/26/09. Tears flowed down my face the entire session. All I see is around me is happily married couples. I keep reflecting back on the first year of our relationship when he absolutely adorned me (so I thought). I know he will be who he is, a N, but that does not make the pain go away. I try my best to listen to inspirational television and read inspiration books, to get deep into my spirit that God loves me. It has not been easy , but I will continue to look to Him for guidance. I have got to get my inner peace back, so I can be a productive mother to my children and at work again..

#7 Aug 28 - 2PM (Reply to #7)

Barbara (not verified)

hurtgirl

as you can see you are NOT alone. It takes about 18 months. Click on MESSAGE BOARD and MY BLOG on the left and read ALL the pages - you will learn so much and it will help. Stay in therapy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck

#8 Aug 26 - 2PM

Scoop

I know how you feel , one of

I know how you feel , one of the first things i did was join a band this was the second week in to the break up .I remember going for the fist time and i looked a fright i had been crying all day , i had no make up and my hair was serious bed head But i did it and i came home buzzing ,ok it didnt last more than a few hours but it was a start .I go every week and also i have started to run a stall in town for an anti racist organisation .I meet people and chat , It was hard as i had to push myself foward and ask people is there anything i could do ,But desperate times call for desperate measures . heres somethings you could do . Join a book group, a church ,am dramatic , a political organisation , (heres a good one for 18 months time lol) a rowing or sailing club !Learn to salsa or tango or any dance come to that its good for the soul . oh the list is endless .Having belonged to lots of organisations in my time i know how excited members get when a new person comes along and i also know in almost every situation there is a friendly face in the room .Get in there girl, try 2 evenings a week doing something and if that activity isnt the one for you try another , paint on that smile and get out there !I dont really think its an option i think you HAVE TO DO IT . Peru x

#9 Aug 26 - 3PM (Reply to #5)

Scoop

Also you may have to go to

Also you may have to go to activities alone and that may be cause for concern ,i say "fuck it and go anyway " .Its ok in these times for a woman to go places alone and if the town you live in frowns on this, trail blaze . Be the first with you head held high . Peru x

#10 Aug 26 - 11AM

GhostBuster

Same here, early on

Jessika, this is normal when you have PTSD from an N/P relationship. I experienced the same aversion to going places and felt only safe at home the first few months. The death of the dream (and realization that it was all just a con)...I was just three weeks from marrying my N...is shocking, heartbreaking and overwhelming. Be gentle with yourself. It will get better with time. At first, (first few months), I'd panic whenever I went/passed by somewhere we used to go together. There's still a few places I avoid. I allow myself to take baby steps. There's nothing wrong with it and don't listen to those who say "just get over it." It's not a normal relationship that you're getting over. He was a predator. It's so different. I told my therapist the other day that I'm just proud of myself if I get my butt out of bed, get dressed and go to work during the week. I don't expect much more from myself right now. Weekends I really focus on relaxing and journaling. And yes, a lot of the time I just stay in my safe home and do just that. One of the things I MADE myself do this summer that doesn't trigger N memories is join a golf league. It gets me out of the house several times a month, I'm doing something I really enjoy, I'm meeting nice, safe people who unbeknownst to them have really helped me see that not EVERYONE around me is a predator. And it's not overwhelming and I still have time to grieve and have my needed alone-time. More than ever, I'm really coming to understand why it's so important to spend at least 18 months (as Barbara says) without a relationship. I'm now almost 9 months out and I really do feel like I'm only halfway to recovery. It really does take a long time to get back on your feet after an N.

#11 Aug 26 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

dolce (not verified)

Jessika

I know just how you feel. I am almost 7 months out. I stayed in the first month. I had no support or friends or family nearby. I just basically cried and prayed and paced. Trying so hard to figure it all out. I thought I knew this man and one of the things he said was that he never would abandon me. What helped me was going back to church and asking if there was anything I could volunteer to do. I visited the sick in the hospital a few hours a week. That little bit of time, I felt better. I felt a little self esteem come into my soul like a tiny ray of light. It was something I could build on. I attended mass and sat and cried for months. I'd try to go for walks, but everywhere I went, there was a memory. Some good. It was painful. I just avoided those places until I could handle it better. I also would go out in the early evening and sit by the river, watching the boats come in and out. Feeding the seagulls. Nature was nurturing to me. Seeing my own need, I sought out those who really could use an angel that day. I did anonymous acts of kindness. Somehow, and I cant explain how..I felt a little better. These small little things, and time, all helped. I began to make new girlfriends..something I didnt have when I was with him. Some have gone or are going through divorce. They understand. Now, I walk 1 hour a day. I see it as medicine. I also started shooting hoops! No, I am no basketball player, but I find it helps with my concentration on something other than him, and it gets out frustration. Take it easy on yourself. Small steps. It gets easier. I am not in the clear yet, but I am hopeful.

#12 Aug 28 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

Rose-Marie (not verified)

Jessika

I am grateful for these posts - knowing that I am not on my own and that what I am going through I am not going through on my own - though I would not wish it on any one. It does get easier. I believe we are all here to learn lessons, though I thought I had learnt my lesson the first time round - so not sure why God put another N in my life to deal with. It has been really tough and not sure I would survive a round with another N. I am pleased to report that it is getting slightly easier three months along the line and very thankful for this site, and especially Barbara's "NO CONTACT" order which has definitely kept me in line. One step at a time. Rosy

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