Saw him again.

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#1 Jan 9 - 11AM

walking_on_sunshine

Saw him again.

OMG!!! When does it stop!

Once again, I was waiting at a bustop and again he freaking drove by. I cant stand this sick shit that the universe is playing on me. I was on a street far away from both his house and mine. It was early in the morning and its like omg r u kidding me....??????

Here's the worst part. I know from experience that its better not to know about the ow's because it really sets you back. I never look at his fb page. I don't spy or prank call or do drive by's or hangup's. I actually avoid his area.

I really didn't want to know if he had someone else. I really really really really didn't want to know. Yet, there it was, right in my face, the universe being creul and giving me a sick picture of reality.He had a female in the passenger seat.

I paced for 5 minutes from bustop to bustop trying to decide whether or not to get on the bus to go to his house and kill him or just to go home. I dialed his number like 5 times from a payphone, he never answered. I just wanted to tell him off and call him a lier. He told me at last contact that he was alone and lonely and would not date any time soon.( which was a different tone from in the beginning with him saying he would never be with anyone else ever again if it didn't work with me). I was supposedly the first he ever loved and the last... omg nasty nasty evil dirty little creepy lier!!!!

When I got home I hyperventilated and bawled sort of half crying half gasping and compulsivly dialed his number repeatedly, about 15 times while pacing the house. He didn't answer but the phone was on. I dont know why i was calling, I just couldn't stop myself. I just wanted to tell him off.Finally i just collapsed to my bed in defeat and came here.

Now Im just sobbing like a looser, thinking how sick he is. A fucking schitzophrenic psychopath devalued and discarded me. This is just unbareable. The pain is bloody unbareable.

I feel so sick, F**** me. Why the f did i have to see that??? I just want to be over him and his mindfuck and the memories and the sickness of it all. Get me the hell away from this reality. Omg I hurt so much, I dont know if my mind is gonna make it.

All the trauma tapes and lies are replaying in my head now... talk about a freaking set back.

#2 Jan 11 - 2AM

Jelickuk

You will hate me for saying

You will hate me for saying this, but The truth will set us free. My exnh swore he wasnt with anyone and yet had been taking our children to ow house for months and months swearing them to secrecy. When i found out, i still couldnt believe it. He had sworn he couldnt live without me and i wa sthe only one he would or could love. He would never leave. When i faced the truth, I truly thought I would die. There are no words for the pain and terror and shock and betrayal. I had weeks off work and just couldnt function. Slowly it passes, slowly slowly. All I can say is be very very gentle with yourself. You are a casuality of a terrible war. Take time to tend to your wounds and dont allow yourself to be wounded again. Stay close. Protect yourself with no contact. Head down, eyes screwed shut...you will get through the storm

#3 Jan 11 - 5PM (Reply to #11)

walking_on_sunshine

Jeli, Its so true, the truth

Jeli, Its so true, the truth will set us free, but damn I don't know if i was ready for that. But then, maybe I was, because after the fact, my brain is still in tact, and although it feels like Ive been beaten with a bat, I'm still sain. It didn't kill me. Funny because prior to this I didn't want to know anything, but now, I want to know everything. I'm not going to look for it, but I'm not afraid to face it now if it comes. My anger has multiplied exponentially though. I have to keep expending energy to keep from being overwhelmed by vehement hate for this man. I ran instead of walked almost the entire day today while doing errands. I had angry energy with loads to spare, I still feel like I want to run and run and run because of the anger. I want to run until I'm so exhausted the only thing I can feel is tired.I think I will go for an evening jog. I have to pull myself together, I absolutely must remain NC. What a complete vile soulless void non human evil possessed zombie demon vampire assclown he is.

#4 Jan 11 - 12AM

Dee30

Don't cry

if anything, I would love to punch him in the face for you...but seriously. I think it was a set up too. I remember first time I was D&D and he replaced me with a new girl well he came to the place i frequented, stared at me the WHOLE night but then I felt so jealous. I did what u did I called him constantly, his current gf picked up and we fougth on the phone, cursing at eachother. Now that I think of it that bastard was gloating in all of it, 2 girls fighting over a piece of crap. Because later u know what? He D&D her and came back to me and told her later when she called him angrily and and asked who he was with hes like "the girl u fought with"..what a douchebag!!! I know its soo paiful for u right now. Just cry let ur emotions out. but DO NOT call that SOB he doesn't deserve a drop of tear FOR him. *HUGS*

#5 Jan 11 - 1AM (Reply to #9)

walking_on_sunshine

Dee, I keep thinking, what

Dee, I keep thinking, what are the chances that this could happen twice within such a short period of time. The odds that I saw him the first time were higher because we were both 1/2 way between my house and his house. However it was fairly early in the morning, but he does take that route to come off the highway so its not impossible. The other day though.... extremely fluke wierd, almost impossible chances. There is no reason for him to be on that route. It is far from both of our houses. Again it was early in the morning.... add to the fact that it was the second time ! The only way i could see him using that road is if he was at the beach all night with her and was coming home in the morning or if she lives that way. Still... he could have taken the highway!!! Ok, seriously what was he doing there? Hmmmmmm You know what though, who cares, I now have 5 days to pull my shit together and get my brain in working condition.I cant afford to worry about him. And yes please punch him, and break his bones while you are at it. Im gonna try to not get paranoid or I'll end up like him, but I cant that this is not really wierd. Far too wierd not to make me think.

#6 Jan 9 - 12PM

GeorgiaGirl

If you have a daily routine

I'd say the drive-by was a set-up...to push you over the edge with jealousy. And you complied by calling him from a payphone like a crazy woman. I KNOW IT HURTS! I know because I was living in a domestic violence shelter with 4 kids and OW was living in MY HOME and SLEEPING IN MY BED. I know, know, know how painful this is. But you can't give him supply...you can't give him the satisfaction...you have to save yourself at all costs. Like Hunter said - get a therapist and get one now. Best thing I ever did!

#7 Jan 9 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

walking_on_sunshine

Georgia, If he actually

Georgia, If he actually orchestrated this then it would have meant the following. That he stalked me from home since early in the morning, watched me get on bus #1 watched me transfer to bus #2, watched me go to the dr's appointment,waited, watched me come out, and all the while having a woman with him participating in the stalk, just so that he could drive by me with her? He had no way to know where i was going and when I was leaving and which bus I'd get on. I think its just a random crazy fluke... do you really think its possible he stalked? I honestly dont, but I'm on the inside looking out so It may be obvious and i just dont real.ise it? I hope not. I'm so tired of crying.

#8 Jan 9 - 2PM (Reply to #7)

GeorgiaGirl

I don't know your narc

so I can't say whether this is his MO or not. I DO know that a lot of crazy "coincidences" that occur with these assclowns was orchestrated by them for supply. You can't be too careful, is what I'm saying. If your gut says it was just random craziness then trust that - always. I'm sorry for your pain from seeing her with him. Sometimes we have to have a serious whack upside the head to lay it all out for us to see how awful these narcs are - to bring us out of denial.

#9 Jan 9 - 11AM

Hunter

Contact= pain Take his number

Contact= pain Take his number out of your phone, NOW! You just gave this Assclown a whole lot of supply.. You said you wanted a one on one with Goldie.. Find the money..bring lunch to work, cut back on something .. You said you have a job?? Do you have a therapist?? It stop when you make it stop.. It takes time and effort.. Hunter

#10 Jan 9 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

walking_on_sunshine

I know, I know I did, Omg, i

I know, I know I did, Omg, i so know it hunter, but it was just compulsive, like my mind went blank. Im so dissapointed in myself. I do have a job, but I sustained an injury from him in the fall. I tried to go back to work recently but I had trouble. First due to the injury, but also due to stress I made alot of mistakes. So I'm off until the end of January. I applied late for benefits because at first i didnt think i would need to be off so long. I'm still waiting. I have a group im starting soon for trauma, but no actual therapist. I guess i should do that. His number is already out of my phone, I just know it by heart. I really was doing all the right things to keep NC. It was however, your contact = pain message in my head that made me not get onto the bus to his place and to go home instead. So thanks. And I dont plan to answer if he calls back and I will not be calling again. I did leave the your a lier message though and i was crying. I hope he enjoys it as hes f****** his new supply. Basterd, holy shit

#11 Jan 9 - 12PM (Reply to #3)

Hunter

Ok so you screwed up..Pick

Ok so you screwed up..Pick yourself up and brush yourself off.. It's time you take care of you..what he does is of no importance to you.. Thearpy needs to be your first priority.. instead of obsessing about Assclown.. Get on the horn and utilize all your resources .. Start with a local woman's shelter .. You are suffering from PTSD.. We've all been there.. Crying at this point isn't helpful.. You need to fix this and you can... In fact I know you can.. I'll check with you tomorrow for Progress report.. Hunter

#12 Jan 9 - 2PM (Reply to #4)

walking_on_sunshine

The group I'm going to to was

The group I'm going to to was actually referred to to me by the shelter but my Dr had to write the referral. I need a therapist though, I'll dig into that as soon as I get the energy. Today I just need to rest or Im going to be really sick. I appreciate you. Thanks

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