Seekingfreedom's Story

I have just found this site after purchasing Lisa's e-book.
I am certain I have been in denial ( perhaps still am in denial to a certain degree) about my ex-husband's narcissism.
I am still in the initial stages of recovery from our relationship ending almost 2 weeks ago.

Our relationship began about 3 1/2 years ago. I actually met him on a spiritual dating website. I had been single for a year and half after a divorce of a marriage that lasted 18 years. I was quite hesitant at first and since he lived out of state I was questioning how our relationship could work.
However I had no idea at the time that this man had only been "single" or separated for two weeks out of a 32 year marriage. I have never dated or been in a relationship where I or my partner had rebounded so this was a first for me. He was not exactly honest about his wife leaving him so recently. I was under the impression that they had been separated for months, and emotionally divorced for years ( which was probably true due to his cold detached nature). I also was not initially attracted to his photo.He is 14 years older than I am and he had a very serious look on his face. My inner intuitive was telling me to not respond, but I did. I did not trust my initial intuitive. I also am an empath and highly intuitive at times, but when it comes to personal relationships with men I tend to be confused.
So ~ his charm began almost immediately. He ended up telling me he cried after we spoke and within a very short time told me he loved me before we met. I should have seen this as a red flag, but I did not. I did not believe he loved me at first but these men are very convincing when they are in their charm mode.
He literally continued to sweep me off my feet. He sent me flowers, gifts of all kinds. He would write emails that were filled with poetry and love. He Told me we were soul mates and destined. I had never had a relationship quite like this so I felt like I truly had met my soul mate. Little did I know what I was getting into.
This story is long as I am sure most of ours are! This kind of "relationship" is filled with so much drama created by him, and subsequently fueled by my co-dependent reactions. I ended up falling deeply in love with this man....
I am sure I will be adding to my story as this week unfolds. I feel it is super important to help warn other women/men about narcissism because I was clueless. This relationship has totally changed my life and also brought me the most pain, confusion and complete despair I could ever imagine. At the same time there have been moments, or even days and sometimes weeks where I felt such happiness but it was always short lived due to his inability to bond emotionally with anyone other than his dog.
This man created a world for me where eventually I became dependent on him. He is a wealthy, incredibly intelligent and powerful man on the outside but I can definitely see his insecurity that drives his narcissistic disease.
The problem is that I am still drawn to him even though I am becoming more and more aware of how futile it is to be in this relationship. Of course we have just recently parted after he left me after I had major surgery. I knew he would not be capable of being compassionate or helpful for very long after my surgery. He seems to feed off of my vibrancy and radiance and when I become ill or need him he changes. He also thrives on that but differently.
I apologize if this story is disjointed. I am struggling with relaying my story from the beginning because there is so much.
After dating a few months he proposed to me and wrote the most romantic proposal and ceremony. He took me out to a very wonderful dinner and then proceeded to bring me back to his house and do this deeply touching ceremony. All the while he kept urging me to let go and love him. He was almost obsessed with me "letting go" with him. This was a key conversation in the first 6 months of our relationship until I actually let go... then he let go....
He talked about us building a house together and being together forever. He professed his love to me endlessly in the first 6 months but also he had very strange behavior with women and also seemingly had secrets that I should have paid attention to however I was swept away by his "love".
Once when we were traveling together back to his home in another state I witnessed the most unusual and awkward behavior with him and a woman at the airport. We were getting ready to board a plane and there was this attractive woman ahead of us by maybe 100 feet or more. She reminded me of a high class call girl type however I do not know any call girls so this is merely speculation.Anyway, she was bending over looking through her bag and he wandered away from me and walked up to her and bent over looking in her bag as well. I imagine he was talking to her. Maybe he knew her... anyway he was completely different when he we sat on the plane together. I left and walked ahead to board the plane and he stayed with her. It hurt. I was so confused and did not know what to do. I did not know him well then at all. I was experiencing one of the first out of many hurts and strange inappropriate behaviors with women. After reading more and more about narcissists I believe my sister is a female narcissist because she was very smart, beautiful and completely inappropriate, no boundaries and no concern for any one else's feelings.
Anyway, when we arrived at his house in the middle of the night he had a phone call of which he was upset and telling the other person not to call him there. I never asked him because I did not know what to say. Now I would have said something.

He was extremely flirtateous with women especially young women, yet he was adamant that he as always so appropriate. I found it embarrassing frankly. I am not the jealous type at all but this behavior hurt and made me lose faith in him. he did not walk his talk at all.
This man I ended up marrying is an author and well liked among acquaintances so I always ended up believing my perceptions were wrong. he also fed my insecurities this was totally reenforcing the idea that it was all me.
He also was always trying to control what I ate ( in extreme ways) what I believed spiritually ( told me that if I did not attend his spiritual retreats we could not be together) and also controlling money and on and on. He was wealthy so he was not after my money he wanted control....

I convinced him to go to counseling with me and he was open to it because he had never really been to a counselor.To make a long story short we attended counseling for 2 1/2 years. During this time he left me over 15 times. This was something I have never ever experienced and during these times I did not realize this was also part of his gaining control. The counselor told me that our relationship was doomed from the start and that the man I married was a narcissist. He told me that what he was doing was building me up and tearing me down over and over for control.

There are so many stories to relate to everyone but I will write more later.

He and I divorced almost a year ago and were apart 8 months then he came back and I being a fool went back. I have such a deep bond/attachment to him which my mother believes is due to his brain washing. Anyway, I went back he moved in with me, then I became very ill and had to have a very serious operation and during my recovery which is going to take another month or longer he left. He left me two weeks ago and was so cold, detached and unloving. He always told the counselor that he believed our relationship problems were 100% me. He truly has such a big ego and no concept what so ever of him being wrong ever.
Through all of this his adult children have no relationship with him except very little emailing with one son. His second oldest child is a counselor and will not see him. His oldest child recently wrote him a letter telling him he was a pathological narcissist. My surgeon did not like him, our accountant one day approached me with concern because she did not like him and she thought he was a narcissist because she had family members who are.
There is so much more...
So, why after all of this, and even objective bystanders seeing this do I still love him?
I am going to need to heal. My counselor says I am very healthy and I have a lot of hope for a healthy relationship someday. He also stated that this type of relationship with a narcissist is the most difficult to leave or end..He is right. He is far away right now but already professing his love again....
I cannot go back. I am still healing from surgery and financially dependent on him until I get work. He knows this....This is so hard.....