Setting bounderies

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#1 Feb 21 - 8AM

Goldie

Setting bounderies

Hi All,

I want to start a recovery topic each week on Mondays which we can dialog about throughout the week to help us all in our efforts towards recovery and in changing US (the only one we can change) so that moving forward we do not continue to repeat the patterns which got us here in the first place.

The first topic is Setting our own personal Bounderies and what this means. I have always had trouble setting bounderies in relationships where I become gaga for the guy. When I do not feel those "intense love" feelings I do O.K. With the last narc, I allowed him access to my personal space, finances, and in a short period of time felt like my life was no longer my own. What can I do differently today?

Today: I will wait until I know someone well before I share with them my personal business regarding finances.

Today: I will not give in to sexual advances simple because "he" is pressuring me to act quickly and create a false ready made bond when I am not even sure who this person is. Today I believe it takes longer than a few weeks to get to know someone and whether or not they are right for me. Sex for me creates a bond which is difficult for me to break free of once that closeness is established. Today, I will take my time.

Today: I will not be pressured into living together if I feel uncertain about who and what this person is to me and my life.

Today: I will not agree to sexual activities which do not feel right to me.

Today: I will pay attention to the red flags which are my intincts way of telling me to "get out" and "get away" something is just not quite right.

This is just a few for now. Add to them, comment on them, whatever you want. I believe it is empowering to state your bounderies as affirmations and repeat them daily until they become a part of who and what you are now.

Goldie

#2 Feb 21 - 6PM

fooled no longer

thanks for this Goldie, how

thanks for this Goldie, how are you doing? Im having a hard time. I need to reestablish my boundaries with everyone not just Narc. Everyone is coming for a bite of my new pink skin. Its like a Narcy free for all. Sucks. I could use your help in sending false friends on their way. yeah

#3 Feb 23 - 9AM (Reply to #11)

Goldie

I know what you mean

While I have been looking at my patterns with men I have also been looking at my patterns in general with all the people in my life. This can be a lonely place in the beginning of recovery. I found that many of my relationships with others were one sided to varying degrees. A giver gives and takers take. Makes perfect sense now that I would have this pattern with others besides just the PD's. I had to cut lose some friends through this process as well. I prayed about it and asked God to help me to see who was the real deal in terms of my friends and which ones where part of my dysfunction. Once it become clear I started saying no and began to try to set up healthy bounderies with everyone. Some of it was people who seemed to get off on my troubles and were always bringing it up even when I was moving past it. I had to tell one girl to stop calling me because she would not stop talking about all the drama when she would call me. Some of them just died a natural death when I stopped calling them or returning their phone calls. The biggest change was when I began to simply say NO and that is an easy way to weed them out. When you say NO enough they stop calling and you don't even have to end it. They find someone else to sponge off of and life goes on. Real friends will rise to the top like cream and the rest will settle to the bottom as they see a change in us and we no longer are willing to dance the dance of craziness with them anymore. Hope this helps.. Goldie

#4 Feb 23 - 11PM (Reply to #12)

CougarBabe7

To Goldie

Amen girl! I love the analogy about the cream. I've had to cut 1 friend loose already too. Eventually, you really do start to see who the givers and the takers really are. Nice post. :)

#5 Feb 21 - 8AM

CougarBabe7

Boundaries

Goldie, the boundaries you listed above are really good ones! And, I too, have adopted those you mentioned for myself in the not-so-distant past. But I do have a few to add: - I will not see a guy more than 3 times a week at the beginning of a relationship, no matter how much we seem to like each other & how well things appear to be going. - I will not forget or put aside the things that bring me joy and a sense of accomplishment, such as: reading and posting on this website, writing my book, spending time with friends, reading books, spiritual practices, etc. - I will never again date a married or unavailable man. I will only date those who are available, emotionally and otherwise. This includes any guy who is not over his ex. I deserve to have a man's undivided attention & to be the only one he is involved with. Nice topic Goldie! Thanks for opening this one up for us. :) CougarBabe

#6 Feb 21 - 12PM (Reply to #9)

Goldie

CougarBabe

I love the one about keeping your own joy space. That is sooooo.... important. I gave up so much of that to the Narc's schedule. Which was no schedule at all. I dropped out of school and stoppped doing the things which were important to me, almost like, waiting for him to care and offer up to me my own self. Not good!!! Takes so long to get yourself back when you give it up. Seems like it took me months to get back on track. Great point. No matter who it is we should always maintain our own sense of self. A good relationship should enhance the self not try to take it from you. Today: I will keep myself and stay true to myself, no matter how much another pressures me to do differently. I will cut loose those who try to take inappropriately from me. Goldie

#7 Feb 21 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

Journey

Great Topic!

All the boundaries listed are good ones. I particularly like this one CougarBabe: - I will not see a guy more than 3 times a week at the beginning of a relationship, no matter how much we seem to like each other & how well things appear to be going. That was my biggest error with exN. I remember telling someone at work that I was beginning to feel weird about him wanting to spend every night with me. I loved that he did because I too wanted to spend every night with him and was quickly feeling I could happily do that the rest of my life. What I remember in my conversation with my friend however, was that I was beginning to worry about how it would feel when he wouldn't want to, because surely he would want to stay away at some point. Sure enough, it was the first night that he did, when I was particularly vulnerable about something else and did really want him to be with me, that he began devaluing me by saying he didn't realize I could be so 'needy'. Yup... I will not EVER let that happen again with anyone. I am just learning about boundaries and will post again when I formulate a few of my own different than those already mentioned here. Thanks for this topic Goldie!

Journey on...

#8 Feb 23 - 9AM (Reply to #7)

Goldie

Take it slow

What a great boundery, to allow ourselves the time to see what is "really" going on in a relationship before we are in too deep. Look forward to seeing the ones you come up with, I hope that not working with him becomes a boundary for you soon J because I don't know how you do it, it must be very difficult. How is that going for you? Goldie

#9 Feb 23 - 12PM (Reply to #8)

Journey

Goldie

Hi Goldie, work is screwed up actually. He is coming back soon (been away) and I feel paralyzed about working with him. The last correspondence we had he emailed me about bus ideas which would help us and I have such mixed emotions. I need to make more money - badly. I have so much debt now and can barely afford to pay my rent. I feel so stuck. I'm having trouble finding any motivation to update my resume or even think about looking for a real 'job'. I have ideas for my own business but moving on that is like trying to run through water. In my reply to his email I agreed his ideas were good and added a few things about how I am doing these days (which I don't usually do). Of course I haven't heard back from him since. It is so hard to focus on implementing the bus ideas because a part of me feels the need to close the book on it, but the other part of me really wants the business to succeed because it is doing what I'd rather do and would also help me to break out on my own one day. When I met him I had a decent full time job, no debt and a savings account. Now I owe money everywhere and have hardly any coming in. He has done little to move our business forward (too busy chasing down supply) and I have felt so incapable to do anything on my end to improve my circumstances. I need help and I don't know what to do. Thanks for asking :(

Journey on...

#10 Feb 22 - 12AM (Reply to #6)

CougarBabe7

To Journey

Yes, they do this kind of thing on purpose. When I was with my ex-PDI, he insisted on spending every night with me. It was our third try at a relationship; therefore, I didn't really see it as an odd request because we had known each other for so long at that point. I'd also like to add here that I'm not one who shares my bed easily. I'm a very light sleeper and really do prefer to sleep alone, not to mention that I sleep much better when there's no one snoring, coughing and turning on the side of me. LOL Anyway, one of his "rules" when we got together for the third time was that he wanted to sleep with me every night. He also said that when we are sleeping in bed together, that he wanted some part of my body to be touching some part of his body at all times, even if it was just a hand on his leg or whatever. At the time, I thought this was kind of cute & that he was simply a little needy and clingy. So I let him stay here every night and got used to it after a few weeks. But then, when I didn't do anything and everything he wanted me to do, he began sleeping at his own place, as punishment to me because he knew I was then having a hard time sleeping without him. Oh the sickness of it all & they know exactly what they are doing! It wasn't so much that he didn't want to sleep alone. It's simply that he wanted another way to "punish" me if I refused to be his little puppet on a string! This is why I made up the rule about not seeing a guy more than 3 times a week at the beginning of a relationship. I DO NOT want to "get used to" anyone being around that much right away. I need time to process and grow into a relationship, and I want to go slowly. And any guy who does not respect this or understand it, is probably another PDI. I'm onto them now!!!

#11 Feb 21 - 12PM (Reply to #3)

Used

on purpose

What I remember in my conversation with my friend however, was that I was beginning to worry about how it would feel when he wouldn't want to, because surely he would want to stay away at some point. at the begin for 3mnths i was narc everyday, he even used to text me while we were together, when he dissapeared i was so lost. i have since been told by therapist that they do this so when they dissapear, we are so into beign with them[they do this on purpose]that when they finally come back we are so glad to see them and so need to see them, we dont even question why or what happened, but with me narc had made a big mistake, as i was abandonded as a child and this was one of the worst things he could of done, and tho i admit it still took me a long time to get out[and stay out]that was truly my defining moment and also his downfall, and at the very end i told him that.and his pleadings and apoligies ment f all to me. i also began dissapearing but thats another story.

#12 Feb 23 - 9AM (Reply to #5)

Goldie

Taking care of yourself

Hi Used, Sounds like you are learning to take care of yourself and your needs and this is wonderful news. When they cross over the line of what is really important to us and show no concern or remorse we have set up a boundary without even knowing it sometimes. Good stuff used. Thanks for sharing, love to hear of your progress. Goldie

#13 Feb 22 - 12AM (Reply to #4)

Lisa E. Scott

Goldie

Goldie - this is great! Thank you for starting this. It's a great idea and a wonderful topic. Boundaries are huge! We really do need to talk a lot more about them. I love this: "Today: I will keep myself and stay true to myself, no matter how much another pressures me to do differently. I will cut loose those who try to take inappropriately from me." ~ Goldie We really do lose ourselves in them. At least, I know I did. This is something we cannot let happen ever again. A relationship should never complete us. Instead, it should "enhance" our life, but not "complete" us. I believe if we have a relationship with ourselves, we are less likely to lose ourselves in them than if we don't know ourselves too well. I was easily consumed with the man in my life when I was younger. Now, I want the man in my life to have outside interests. I don't want them breathing down my neck every minute of the day. I find that type of relationship incredibly irritating now. It's strange how we evolve, isn't it? Now that I'm more in touch with myself, I have a greater need for time alone with myself. It's important as we evolve that we set boundaries to protect ourselves from losing our relationship with ourselves. xoxo

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