Sex and the NP

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#1 May 4 - 6AM

Daisyd

Sex and the NP

My NP was always a little twisted. He would love to push my modesty boundaries everywhere, requesting thin shirts, no bras or nice normal dresses with nothing on underneath all leaving me feeling extremely vulnerable. At the end of our relationship he started pushing for anal which he knew was something for myself personally, I had no interest in. He also could only really get 'hard' when I was scared or he was in total control. Did any of my sisters out there experience this??? The only way your N's got hard was when he was totally in the drivers seat regardless of what you wanted??

#2 May 14 - 6AM

onwithmylife

boundaries, Daisdy

My exnarc was trying to push my degree of modesty, near the end he said'if i find you a clean guy would you have sex with him' and to shock him cause he was always trying to push the envelope and say i needed to loosen up more, I said only if you watch, and he said I dunno, and then I was a whore to him. You are always damned if you do and damned if you don't with these men., I really was a sex object,nothing more to him. Early on he would wake me up for sex in the middle of the night and I liked it but later on, we were together for 15 years, there were times that I wanted to just sleep, so i guess I got mad at him in my sleep and he never did that again,I think good communication is important to know when people have different needs and express them openly to each other, he couldn't communicated to me, verbally.He pushed anally at the end for me to, but because of his ED problems, it was a moot point for him and i was not interested in it either.

#3 May 14 - 5AM

momoya

pushing boundaries

N's feel superior and important (try to all the time) and so entitled to be above the law and to engage in behaviors that are frowned upon and considered socially unacceptable in others. They reject and vehemently resent all limitations and conditions placed upon them by their partners. They act on their impulses and desires unencumbered by social conventions and strictures. Narcissists are misogynists. They hold women in contempt, they loathe and fear them. They seek to torment and frustrate them (either by debasing them sexually - or by withholding sex from them). They harbor ambiguous feelings towards the sexual act. http://www.webofnarcissism.com/forums/index.php?topic=6676.0;wap2

momoya

#4 May 14 - 2AM

ifinallygotit

just realized

he never once woke me up in the middle of the night for sex! You know in the early years of romance this is normal but he slept straight through the night every night. No variation allowed. we never ever showered or bathed together either (well the tub was not big enough) but I think he did not know about these romantic intimacies that people do. he never lived with anyone and I was his only long term girlfriend. I think he was really used to one night stands! and maybe did not even sleep with those ladies! who knows... I am kind of surprised now that he did like me to sleep there with him so much. Maybe he got comfortable with me the way pets adjust to sleeping together... He was ALWAYS romantic before we went to sleep because he would not allow us to live together so he he could recreate the "new" factor every time with me for over 10 years by never allowing us to be real - he could enjoy the game and image of intimacy with me over and over without ever having true intimacy...

#5 May 7 - 7PM

ally2375

Withholding sex

My ex-fiance took this a step further. He withheld sex all the time, to the point that I became extremely frustrated, as many here have mentioned. But, he would also frequently stop in the MIDDLE of sex (I didn't know guys could DO that) saying he "didn't want to come right now." Who, when presented with the promise of imminent orgasm says, "Meh, I'll pass. Maybe later." WTF?!? It wasn't long before I was initiating sex frequently and being turned away most of the time. Not only did I never say no when HE wanted it, but I was constantly being rejected. The worst part was that sometimes I would KNOW he was turned on, but he preferred to retreat to the bathroom to take care of it himself rather than be with the live, amorous woman next to him. This was beyond rejection. It was total humiliation. Toward the end of the relationship, he threatened to break up with me if I kept initiating sex. He said it was "unfeminine" and a real turn off. He said he just wanted me to be ready and willing when HE was, but otherwise I shouldn't bother him with it. I grew up being warned that men will say or do anything to get a woman into bed. So, I thought I must be utterly repulsive to my ex for him to not want to have sex with me. I didn't know what to do at all and was too embarrassed to ask anyone. It wasn't until years later, when my most recent ex started pulling the same withholding crap that I made a connection and considered that maybe it wasn't me. Learning that this is a common form of abuse with these guys made so much difference for me in healing from these relationships.

#6 May 13 - 11AM (Reply to #70)

Lobo555

Mine withheld one time because I made him dinner!

Yes, a pasta dinner was a threat! He said it made him feel "trapped" and left. Not before cleaning his plate and going for seconds, of course! Chew and *no* screw, I guess! :)

#7 May 14 - 12PM (Reply to #71)

ifinallygotit

pasta dinner

After about 3 or 4 years together i decided to surprise him with a huge pan of lasagna for super bowl Sun. He was disgusted by this act of kindness and scowled at me when i dropped it to him like I had crossed some boundary i did not understand. I was shocked and drove away feeling terrible and wondering why he was not happy to have it. After a day he collected himself and called to thank me and tell me how good it was. I avoided him for a week but he chased me until we got close again... they are pretty crazy - i guess it was too much intimacy for him...

#8 May 8 - 6AM (Reply to #69)

onwithmylife

ally2375

I liked your post, mine never rejected me and I told him i did not like being woken up in the middle of the night for sex, at his convenience, so he stopped that. but at times he would be inside me and say do you want me to come out or stop, like trying to make a joke in the middle of sex or ask me if I am going to come for him, because I did not always but that is how I am. stupid game playing all the time, even in bed.

#9 May 7 - 9PM (Reply to #56)

Veronrose

WHY do these people prefer

WHY do these people prefer masturbation to actual physical contact?!?!?! Mine LOVED to play with himself and often sent me pictures of himself doing it. And on top of that, why did he like to send me pictures of it?!?!? I JUST DON'T GET IT!!!! He could've friggin had me IN PERSON!!!!!

#10 May 7 - 9PM (Reply to #57)

Steph

Because masturbation allows

Because masturbation allows them to "connect" with the only person they feel they can really 'connect" with....themselves. Masturbation gets him to the "end result"...the orgasm....without having to be involved in TRUE intimacy.....and that is what appeals to them/"works" for them. It has NOTHING to do with you as a person, or you as a sexual being. They are not capable of real intimacy....because they aren't in touch with their emotions.

#11 May 7 - 11PM (Reply to #68)

ifinallygotit

not all of them

My ex N did not masturbate much at all and loved the intimacy and sharing of sex and affection - it was his only place where he acted normal and seemed comfortable - he would look deep into my eyes and be totally loving and gentle and sweet. It was real life and responsibilities that were terrifying and repugnant to him - the bed room, was no problem. And I know we are told it was all an act but I still think he really did care for me and just can't do adult life - and his profession encourages, enables and supports irresponsible behavior so no one thinks he is weird but the women he has been involved with. He is a true scaredy cat N. I also let him get away with murder. After 10 years I got tired of trying to make him act right and just accepted his nonsense,

#12 May 7 - 9PM (Reply to #58)

Veronrose

Thank you ss78, as crazy as

Thank you ss78, as crazy as it is, what you said actually makes sense. When I feel close to somebody, I want to SHARE intimacy.....both my body and my brain. It's actually very sad for these folks who can't do that. :(

#13 May 7 - 10PM (Reply to #59)

Steph

It really is sad, I

It really is sad, I agree. But, it is out of our hands and control.

#14 May 7 - 10PM (Reply to #60)

Veronrose

It is out of our hands and I

It is out of our hands and I have relinquished trying to have control. But WHY do you think he was so into picture swapping? I DID succumb to his requests a couple times (nothing outrageous, always without my face and mostly with bra and panties on, to which he would respond "Let's take off the bra" and "Ditch the panties") but I was NOT into it like he was. I actually find THAT to be intimate. It was intimacy from afar I guess. Did I just answer my own question?? LOL.

#15 May 7 - 11PM (Reply to #66)

TNR1

Because he initiated it (control)....

and Ns love control and pushing our limits. From an N perspective, asking you to take off your bra and panties is not intimacy, it's just private porn. Intimacy is getting close to someone else on a physical and emotional level. It is not about control or treating the other person like they are a sex prop or an object.

#16 May 7 - 11PM (Reply to #67)

Veronrose

TNR, You are so right....It

TNR, You are so right....It was "private porn" for him. That's EXACTLY what it was.

#17 May 7 - 10PM (Reply to #61)

Steph

lol, You may very well have

lol, You may very well have answered your own question! Pictures, are less 'peronsal'. Again, that shows their real inability to be truley intimate. They are like kids sneaking around and looking at 'adult' magazines or something. I responded to my N's requests ( when he was away ) and would send pics of me....but without my face in it too. And he would want my bra and undies off too, like yours... I succumbed....but I always left my FACE out. I guess we knew on some level they were sick and couldn't be trusted?.....on some level I knew I didn't want him posessing really intimate pics of me....

#18 May 7 - 11PM (Reply to #62)

Veronrose

ss78, thank you. You have

ss78, thank you. You have TOTALLY helped me to understand their twisted ways. I never understood why he'd rather have pictures than the real thing. And when it WAS the real thing, why he wanted to have sex from behind. And why he ran from me all the time....it's the whole fear of intimacy thing. By George, I think I've got it!!!! THANK YOU!!!

#19 May 7 - 11PM (Reply to #63)

Steph

and thank you too:) Even

and thank you too:) Even though I "get it"....every time I hear from someone else that "get's it" too.... It makes me "GET IT" even THAT much more haha,.. GET IT? Thanks Vernrose:) xoxo

#20 May 7 - 11PM (Reply to #64)

Veronrose

I Got it girl!!! LOL. Thanks

I Got it girl!!! LOL. Thanks ss78. :) xoxo V

#21 May 7 - 11PM (Reply to #65)

Steph

:) xoxoxoxo

#22 May 7 - 7PM (Reply to #55)

Steph

I am glad you were able to

I am glad you were able to make the connection and realize YOU were not the problem. Arghhh! they are such SICKOS.

#23 May 7 - 6PM

natty

Well..., he got the job done

I mean I got an orgasm all the time but I wasn't having sex with him, he was just the vessel, the good stuff was going on in my head! :) I started fantasizing years ago when I realized no matter what I tried to show him or express to him it didn't matter. It was all just very mechanical. He was not interested in breasts nor foreplay (even when I explained to him about foreplay, he looked like me might be ill!). I bet I can count on one hand how many times we had sex where I didn't have a top on. It was fast, unemotional and unsatisfying in the "I want intimacy" dept. (me!). I knew a good portion of this when I met him, but he lived at the family home. I thought once I got him here I could "teach" him things, he was just frigid, yes, frigid about it all! Still can't understand why I stayed with him for so long...must've been those hot guys in my head! ;)

#24 May 7 - 6PM (Reply to #51)

Susan32

Frigid... even with physical affection

The ex-Psych prof was INCREDIBLY frigid, in my freshman year, he once said that if we dated, we'd only go as far as a goodnight kiss. He liked giving stiff, numbing handshakes... but I think he engaged in mirror-gazing to be stiff... down there. He told me he preferred masturbation (I think that's why he idolized Wittgenstein, who confessed to it in his diaries, and why his romantic relationship with a fellow male professor fell apart) He wouldn't even be affectionate with his girlfriend. No chaste handholding even. I've never seen such coldness, and he'd refer to his girlfriend in a formal, businesslike way. Who knows? Maybe she wasn't interested sexually in males, because he had an obvious beer belly&rotting teeth. When I hugged the ex-P at graduation, he looked terrified. He couldn't run away. There was a thick adobe wall behind him. He wanted to run away, but there was nothing he could do. Despite his paunch, it was like hugging a skeleton.

#25 May 7 - 6PM (Reply to #52)

Steph

your ex-prof....well, it

your ex-prof....well, it gives me the chills even reading about him. brrrrr. Thank God you don't have him.

#26 May 13 - 10AM (Reply to #53)

Susan32

He was weirdly asexual

He saw himself in the character of Pierre, the passive paunchy bookworm in "War and Peace." At one point, the women at a soiree say "He is amiable. He has no sex." Pierre feels profoundly ashamed during his honeymoon because he enjoys sex with his wife Helene, and he's attracted to her. The ex-Psych prof identified a GREAT DEAL with Pierre. However, Pierre doesn't mind engaging in sadomasochistic rites with the Freemasons. The ex-P once said "I am speaking to you like an old mother." (it's from "War and Peace") He had effeminate mannerisms&speaking, yet he dressed in a butch way. His professorial ex-boyfriend was the stereotypical dandy, emulating Oscar Wilde in his dress. I recently saw the proposal scene in Sergei Bondarchuk's "War and Peace" (1967).... the actor who plays Prince Andrei is A LOT like the ex-P. Andrei proposes to Natasha;she reacts emotionally, bursting into tears, she's overjoyed. He doesn't hold her, comfort her. He's cold&emotionless. "Thank God you don't have him"-God saved me from marrying the ex-prof, let alone having his kids. I'm glad I didn't even date or have sex with him. God SAVED me.

#27 May 7 - 4PM

findingmeagain

Mines wanted a threesome. Now

Mines wanted a threesome. Now why would I do something dumb like that. One day he jokingly said something about it I said with another man huh he got pissed. Of course I would never but don't be disrespectful at all ever to me about nothing like that joking or not.

#28 May 6 - 5PM

HopeAgain

Was mine the only one that

Was mine the only one that withheld it a lot? He wouldn't do it nearly as much as I wanted to. I never said no. He did make comments as if I made it too easy which took the excitement out of it. The sex was amazing at first, but after that it was truly ALL ABOUT HIM. We mostly had quickies where he was done right away & that was it. After the final d&d he said he held out on "fucking me" because I disgusted him so much and he had to "get drunk to fuck me".

#29 May 14 - 1PM (Reply to #48)

Daisyd

Hope

I know how you must have felt. Mine would say that he bought a muzzle for his dog that was big enough to fit me! It was very hurtful the snide comments that he would make. He also said that his preference was for woman that would not be viewed as traditionally beautiful! Without sounding full of myself I am considered very good looking, not a beauty but I have no self esteem issues that way.....he was really trying to figure out where my vulnerabilities lay. I once said the same, 'I don't go for traditionally handsome men" comment just to see how he would take it.....guess what? He got pretty upset!! Awwwwwww poor baby! Yes I don't worship your image Satan!

#30 May 13 - 7PM (Reply to #47)

Mindy

D&D

I'm beginning to think that they devalue us when they are already planning to discard us because although they have decided they don't want us anymore, they hate the idea of us being fine with out them, or the idea of them losing anything of value. So they proceed to convince us, as well as themselves, that we are worthless before they finally let us go. Mine would devalue me, but as soon as I would act like I was fine with the break up, he would start to feel sad that I didn't want to be with him, EVEN THOUGH HE DIDNT WANT ME. And like I mentioned before, he actually said that he just felt like I should always want him even if we weren't going to be together. As long as they make us feel worthless about ourselves, they make it easier for themselves to move on. Another example of their selfishness, cruelty, and insecurity. I am a firm believer in the principle that one reaps what they sow. They are building their own personal hell in this life with how they treat us.

#31 May 7 - 5PM (Reply to #43)

Veronrose

Hope, he said you disgusted

Hope, he said you disgusted him? That's horrible!!! Don't believe a word of this...the way they need to throw hurtful remarks around to make themselves feel good is sickening. Your N disgusts ME and I don't even know him!!!

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