Yes, I actually even remember having this conversation with him. when he was in his "good days" (trying to charm his way back in) he'd pretend to listen to me and not get all defensive about it. I would tell him that I couldn't understand how he was able to make me feel like shit either with actions or words, break up with me and act like nothing had happened the minute after. They're soulless, they really are to a level that is scary to me. He always said he'd only truly would care about me if I had his child... Look what happened when I got prego. I wish I could just not have anythign to do with this man ever again, but because my legal situation pends upon this marriage and he knows it, he still can play his cards
Dulte,
The quicker you move on, the better off you will be. I do not know what you are referring to re: legal situation but I will still share what I know to be true from experience. If you think having a copathetic relationship with him is going to win you favors by him, that he will do something for YOUR BENEFIT, you are sadly, sadly mistaken my friend. The only thing he is capable of is actions for his own benefit. Period.
In my divorce I am walking away from a lot just to remove the cancerous N. from my life as much as possible. Since we have children together, I still send FYI emails to him re: their health and welfare because I am court ordered to do so. Having said that, I refuse to be in his presence, and do not return his calls nor texts- I do not enagage. I had to walk away from a lot of things that legally were rightfully mine...such as 1/2 of his military retirement, property we jointly owned, etc. Did I let him get away with something by doing so? I don't think so, because yes he got the better end of the deal financially (but only slightly), but I didn't have a long drawn out divorce settlement process which reduced my legal fees, and allowed me to cut my losses and move on with life.
There is a whole life waiting for you out there..get to it. Cut your losses if you have legal ties to him as quickly as possible. Use that energy you would have used fighting him to improve your life, career, surroundings. Move away if you can, and start a new life. Otherwise, this is just another excuse as to why you cannot say goodbye to him. That would be sad.
HUGS!!
Thanks for your comments, advice and constant concern.. My legal situation meaning my stay in the US which I do believe I very well deserve after everything that I have been through. I don't have any type of relationship with him or his sick mom at all... or at least not beyond the necessary on my part (all paper work related) and yes I do get the I love you, I want you back, I hate you emails. txts from him from time to to time which I hardly ever read and never reply to. He no longer calls because he knows I will never answer. I did move away, over a 1000 miles away. He sometimes states he's moving here to start our "family" again, I also ignore. It is complex and I had to emotionally detach myself from the situation but it is how it is for 11 more months...
I don't use energy fighting him, for me his a sad person, a lost child, a soulless man...
Yes sometimes I crave him or the illusion of him, but those thoughts are growing far apart in between. I am in therapy, I started school this semester.. It is not an ideal situation but again..
I got really angry responses at this other N forum because I posted my story and included the detail about my abortion. I wasn't sure how women were going to react here. I have never been pro abortion but at a minute of enlightenment I really didn't think it was fair for a baby to be born with a father who would never love him or me, a mother-in-law that warned me never to teach my kid to call her grandma as it would only make her feel old.. I pain, I pain the lost of my baby the most but the more I think about the relationship I was in and the kind of man he was the more a re assure my decision..
I am aware narcissist become that way in childhood and just by the way his mom treats my HN I can honestly say she is to blame for the monster he is. I think I hate her, although hate is a strong word, to this day she still blames me for everything that happened and regrets ever "loving me as a daughter" yeah.. right. I tried so hard to please this lady,but she never truly loved me, she can't stand anyone stealing his perfect child away from her... If there is something I have learned from this experience is the kind of relationship I DONT want to ever have again and the kind of mother I WILL never be..
I hope healing happens as for right now my dream of a happy, healthy, supportive good family seems to have slipped
Right now I am being "punished" with silent treatment for taking half of our tax return check, the truth is he's got a new NS and am not longer appealing or useful
I hope it gets better anti depressants and therapy don't seem to be doing the trick quite yet.
so glad you took half the tax return, as you should. My exN stole the return and I reported it to the IRS for my half returned to me. It will take months..but I will get it!
It is a blessing to receive the silent treatment from these abusers, and BTW silence is a form of abuse. Try to focus on you and what you want from life. Invest all of your energy into yourself. If you do, you will look and feel better every day.
Also, MY ExN wanted me to have an abortion with our 3rd. I wouldn't. He abused me, and boy did I suffer throughout the pregnancy for not allowing him to control me. I don't regret having the baby, because I love him so much- but boy did I suffer. My best friend arrived for the delivery and was appalled at my ExN yelling at me "I told you to have an abortion, stop complaining" while I was in labor. Nice guy, huh? You are better off honey
Mines got pissed because I filed before he could. Why would I let an azzhole file get money to spend on another womanafter leaving me with over 1000 dollars worth of bills? This idiot actually was mad that I didn't let him file one of the children I told him to f**k off. his share had to go to the unpaid bills he left me with. His new woman has some knowledge of taxes and he got her to pull my information and she told him I filed both children. I told him give her my ss# again and I will report both for fraud. I also was abused when I was pregnant with both children. The first child was the worse he did every kind of abuse thinkable except sexual. I look back and think it was partly my fault now my daughter has autism because of him. If I only would've left his azz. As the saying goes you teach people how to treat you. Gotta be strong when dealing with narcs. Silence is the way to hurt them I know my N is probably going out his mind wondering what am I doing and why haven't I called begging him to come back. I have my days of wanting to but then think of all the shit he put me through why go back, why want that . he is a terrible man I often wonder does he treat this woman the same way . she portrays herself to be sweet i know better though because she actually helps him to do things to me. I use to be sweet too when I first met him now I'm guarded. I've learned to be more quiet and pay more attention to people's actions though.
First, a BIG thanks to you Lisa, and to your great book! I happen to be looking at unrelated video topics on the net, and located a video of Lisa being interviewed about her book. That is how I located the book, this website, and my whole new life in 2011. I am grateful to classify myself as a survivor, and I work hard at it each and every day, and meeting all of you has inspired me daily. You are my new family.
For those of you that were able to identify the warning signs of your exN early on, please count your blessings. My exN entered my life in 1998. I have suffered at the hands of this man for so many years, I became desensitized, everyone in my life became desensitized to the abuse and on again/off again in our relationship. Here I am, 13 years later, picking up the pieces of my life, and my children’s lives after this heartless monster attempted to kill my soul and will to live.
I should have known when I met him. He had just D&D his first wife and two children after eight years of marriage. He termed her Psycho, and that also should have been a red flag that I ignored. If you could have seen her as I did, you would have believed he was the victim too. She was and still is psychotic, and addicted to many prescription medications. Guess what? She was normal when they married. I have seen pictures and videos of such now. He did this to her- he damaged her soul beyond reapir. I have now learned that N .are sadists with a goal- they mentally torture others and in reaction to the constant and well-targeted abuse, they become abusive, vengeful, ruthless, lacking empathy, obsessed, and aggressive. They mirror him faithfully and thus relieve him of the need to express himself directly. He did make me feel like I was losing my mind, but didn’t get my soul, thankfully. We survivors are stronger than we realize.
For years I classified my husband as a “lost soul” thinking he didn’t know what he wanted and that was why his behavior was so inconsistent. I blamed his work stress (he was a military officer, now retired working at an extremely high level in the Government), and his deployments away from family, for his verbal and physical abuse, and ditching our family for other women 3 separate times for months at a time with no remorse (and on his knees begging me back every time.) I also attributed some of his foul behavior on his drinking. Yes, I made a lot of excuses for him. He was not only cruel to me and the children, but to the general public (and still is.) It is not uncommon for him to call out obscenities to others on the road, such as “Put the fork down!” when he sees someone overweight trying to exercise. Yes, he is a body builder and prides himself in his ability to obtain NS from his physique. The more notoriety he gained in his position, the more arrogant he became. I discovered from reading Lisa’s book that my ExN is a Classic N, and a "career narcissist". This narcissist marries, divorces and remarries with dizzying speed. Everything in his life is in constant flux: friends, emotions, judgements, values, beliefs, place of residence, affiliations, hobbies. Everything, that is, except his work.
One thing that was a constant in our relationship was that our relationship wasn’t constant. It was bad enough him being in the military and having to bounce all over relocating, plus deal with his deployments. Then on top of that, I had to deal with his moving out or kicking us out on the streets (while zeroing out the bank accounts) and leaving us without food and shelter, without remorse. One summer the children and I spent the entire summer in a women’s shelter after he chipped two bones in my back from throwing a hot cup of coffee in a jumbo starbucks mug at my back, all because I asked him why he was in a bad mood. Every time we relocated I would be belittled daily and called a leech because I could not locate work right away. In the end, I obtained my Master’s degree during his deployments, while working full-time, taking care of 3 children and the house, and mowed the grass on Saturdays. It was never enough for him. I was always trying to somehow prove that I was worth loving and that this family that I loved so much…was worth having. I didn’t get it. How could I be so faithful to him, take care of him and kids, work so hard, and none of it was valued nor appreciated. Why would he not reciprocate this same love and respect?
After going to counseling this past year and uncovering “sexting” on his cell phone with several women, I kicked him out and changed the locks. No, I still didn’t get it at the time. As I said, I thought he was just a “lost soul” until I read Lisa’s book. I then realized that he actually “got off” on the lies he told me and got away with, and “got off” on the pain he caused me and others. It all made perfect sense now, why he didn’t appreciate the love and caring I have provided over the years in support of his career and his dreams- he is emotionless and has never emotionally bonded to any of us. He could not reciprocate, because it was “all about him.” He did not feel he owed any of us, anything- because he cannot feel (hence the no remorse.) He would repeatedly D &D and then beg me back for purely selfish reasons, and what I could do for him.
By now you are saying lady, for an educated woman, why did you stay? Are you crazy? He would flip everything he did back onto me and had me questioning myself. He had the affair and left because I would fall asleep with the newborn and didn’t give him enough sex. (Notice I said sex, N.’s don’t do intimacy!) N.’s attract partners who are their exact opposite- highly moral, very loving and very giving. In fact, we always hold hope that a miracle will occur and that this man of ours is going to change and has learned his lesson (because they are good actors, begging you back with flowers on their knees.) Now I know he cannot change- there is no cure. This pattern will continue if I allow it!
I am getting stronger every day. On Saturday I received several abusive texts from him- “you are 50 lbs overweight no one wants a plus size model”…etc. Little does he know (because of NC I adhere to and only communicate via email re: the children) I have already lost 20 pounds since I kicked him out. I am going to the gym daily, and I am on the train of love. Love for myself. I am proud that I was able to survive this, that after so many years feeling like I wasn’t any closer to understanding, I found Lisa and her book to make sense of all of it, and now can move past it day by day. Today I received a text message from him that said “you are my dream women.” I desperately wanted to text back, “in a committed relationship the word is WOMAN- there is no plural.” He doesn’t have a shot getting back in my bed this time. One last thing, I love all of you, have read all your storeis and feel now that I have a user name it's time for you to meet me. I feel like we are close friends already. I will lean on you and please feel free to lean on me.
New Life...thank you for sharing your story and your comments on mine.
It's terrifying how similar our stories come out, and I've noticed your stuggles are like mine and my mother's too! Yes, I've come to realize that my father is a Narc and my mother basically raised my siblings and I - and I've learned so much from her - just as your children will say too. My parents are still together and it boogled my siblings and my minds ... like why? But I can see why now... we get so tangled in the Narc's world. I said I wouldn't be with a man, opps, I mean child, like my father, but I walked into it (even though I'd avoided it for so long).
My mother endured so much, even so today, but I didn't relate to her right away because I'd WORKED so hard to create a life/family with my exNarc...I guess that was isolation from my family. Come to think of it - I had only gone to be with my family 3 times in 4 months! That's unheard of because we gather and visit almost every week. I also remember sharing with him early on that my family is important to me. He started to say, after I'd agreed to marry him that I would be going through changes and my family would notice it..."they will have to get used to the new you...your family and friends may question or feel uncomfortable with your changes and new priorities, so be prepared for their reactions."
I remember feeling my gut twitch because I thought, "Well, you too, right? We'll both change (for the better)." But I didn't voice it. I said confidently then, "They all love me and will support me."
Your story is a painful because of all the hope, love, and sacrifice you gave. Hope for a healthy family, love from a partner, and the sacrifice of yourself. I find it inspirational that your handled the family responsiblities, and still completed your graduate studies...that's strength and determination. I'm so glad he didn't take that from you. That's what I remember most of my mother when my father would pull his stunts (my exNarc wasn't as dramatic as my father,but I'd only been with my ex for about 8 months)...my siblings and I (I'm an older sister) worked together and helped our mother with her educational goals. She supported my father through all of goals and dreams and my siblings and I supported and encouraged my mother. Most of us (5-7) have college degrees and jobs we enjoy. It's my mother's strength that inspired us.
I am thankful that you are on this site...be well :)
your post is very inspirational, thank you! it wasn't until i googled certain personality traits that i learned what narcissism is! i am sooooo grateful i found this site, it has saved my life and sanity.
it takes a strong woman to resist the n, but i know once we are armed with the info it makes it easier to understand us and then them and move on. it was such a relief to me to finally realize what i was dealing with. lordy!
once again, welcome and you rock!
thank you for sharing your story
and no, I didn't wonder why you stayed...it was reading all the stories here, seeing the similarities, that made me realize I'm NOT crazy. This is what these N's do to us!
But you sound like you are on the right track
Thank you so much for sharing your story it actually has tears about to run down my face. because your story is the most similar of all the ones i've read. i've for 3 kids, i'm overweight and was ridiculed. i don't know what happened to me its like i'm nowhere near the person i use to be 11 years ago. its like i'm truly trying to findmeagain. i remember being a happy person, a caring person, but now i'm always guarded and on edge. i hate what he has done to me. i also like you was trying to communicate by email but it was just too much because it seemed like he would draw me back in only to D&D me days later. he has done this twice. the last time he said the most hurtful things ever that keep ringing in my head at times. it hurt me so bad. i've been NC for two weeks and a day and will continue. I'm never communicating in person again in this life to that man. thank you again for sharing this story and i'm glad about your 20 pounds . hugs*
finding me again,
We all lose ourselves to them, otherwise we would never stay as long as we did and wouldn't have the children we had with them. ..they are highly negative, drama central, and they use their toxic words as weapons.
Get on the love train! Try to take care of you and your issues with as much energy as you used to take care of him and his issues. Once I was "onto him" and I realized that he was wasted effort- I started investing in me.
You can do it!!!
In reality for me to have ended up on this website, I know in my heart that he is a narcissist, or at the very BEST an abuser. For me to have arrived here writing this message, meant that I had begun to research his behavior, which was the first signal that I KNEW something was off.
Here is my story:
I began working at an after school program last July. I am a social work major, and this particular organization was a charity for children predominantly on vouchers. I expected the employees to be as nurturing and caring as I was, but I was shocked to find that the majority of the people that worked there were actually behaving in a downright cruel manner to the children. One person that treated the kids with respect, however, was Tim. I would see him out of the corner of my eye down on one knee with a child, making the child feel so special. I remember the moment I truly fell for him. It was when a 7 year old boy pushed another 7 year old girl. I remember over hearing Tim pulling the little boy aside and saying "Hey buddy, we NEVER hit girls, okay?" (creepy in hindsight..) The kids seemed to love him and I was instantly smitten with him. I had never met a man that was so wonderful with children and seemed to share my similar goofy sense of humor. He had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend. I felt a strong connection with him right off the bat, and felt his eyes on me all day long. It was as if he had such an intense attraction to me that he couldn't take his eyes off of me. I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend but he began texting me every night and so began our secret relationship. He broke up with his girlfriend I broke up with my boyfriend. In the beginning things were great, he made me laugh harder than I've ever laughed before, and we had fun together. He was super respectful (it was once raining and he dropped me off at the door to a restaurant we were at and got out and opened the door) and he seemed to be totally taken with me.
Everything was great until I went away to Mexico for the week with my family. The day before I left he made a big deal about how he loved German Beer Maid Costumes. What began as a joke about me buying one turned into him claiming that unless I went out and bought a costume and sent him a picture of me wearing it, " I would not get his cock again." He also badgered me that night about weather or not I had been with anyone else. We talked all week long distance, and upon landing I turned on my phone and we were chatting about my sister. All of a sudden out of no where I look down at my phone to see that he had written: "I wonder if she fucks like you." I got chills down my spine.
It all got worse from there. He came over my apartment, looked through a conversation on my computer and found a conversation I had with my ex. He tried to video chat my ex boyfriend and instant messaged him telling him to "fuck off." I had a male roommate at the time and he started making really inappropriate degrading comments about our sex life in front of my roommate almost as if he was trying to stake his claim over me. At this point I attributed his controlling qualities to the fact that his ex-girlfriend had cheated on him and he was getting nervous that I was still sleeping with my ex.
I had always told him that I enjoyed being dominated in bed.. but his sexual practices always struck me as a bit strange. It was as if the more he degraded me, the more he liked it. He would attempt to get me to do things that were very 'gross' (a lot of anal play) and if I did it he would bring it up later and remind me of it.
The games also began at this point. There was once a time where I went to visit friends of mine at a college about an hour and 1/2 away. I mentioned where I would be in my facebook status. I got drunk and drunk texted him in the middle of the night, and he informed me that "I would never believe this, but he was actually at the exact same college!" When I questioned him and asked him to name some of the dorms, he actually did, which meant that he had to have looked it up online (There was no way he was at this college, it was over winter intercession and he's 24, all of his friends would have graduated.) He tried to get me to meet up with him and when I wouldn't, he got angry at me the next morning saying he didn't believe that i was visiting my friends. He pulled a similar stunt when he claimed to be a sub shop near my home which a) i have no idea how he knew the name of this sub shop, he doesn't live near me and b) the sub shop was closed.
Mind you through out ALL OF THIS.. I have known him since last August and we have been involved since December, we are still not in an official relationship.
He constantly asks who i've hooked up with since we've started talking, and has demanded that I go into explicit detail about the things that I did with the other guys. He kept pushing it so much that he told me he would never be in a relationship with me unless i told him exact details (i.e where the guy ejaculated)
Things kept getting more bizarre. I decided to stop contact with him and removed him as a friend on facebook. He has always told me that his favorite food is bacon and that he loves bacon everything.. and I woke up the next morning to find a large strip of raw bacon covering my windshield. I convinced myself that it couldn't have been him and when he came back around hoovering me like crazy I fell for it. He still claims that the bacon was not him.
The last time I saw him, he insisted that we hang out at my house where my family lives instead of my apartment. During sex he became VERY violent, slapping me in the face VERY hard and shoving me on to the couch. He is very well endowed and was hurting me very badly and seeming to get enjoyment from it. When I finally showed deep discomfort, he DID stop and stroked my hair and cuddled me and held me. He looked into my eyes and said “you are so beautiful” and was very kind and nurturing. Immediately after sex this stopped and he left with kissing me on the cheek and patting me on top of the head.
I also want to mention that our foreplay ALWAYS includes him showing me how he is stronger than me and holding me down and not allowing me to get out of his grip on me. During foreplay he held me down while slapping me in the face and then threw me on the ground and started spanking my bottom. During a conversation I said to him: "You'd never hit me." And he looked at me and laughed and said "HA yes I would!" And i was like "What?" And he said "Well, I would never hit you out of anger but if you hit me first I would definitely hit you back, you know this." Through out the whole time we hung out every time he made a sudden move and I flinched he laughed and kept saying "are you scared? Are you scared?"
He continues to play control games. I told him I had an Ativan prescription and he claimed to have serious anxieties public speaking. He asked repetitively for the Ativan, claiming he went to his Doctors about it and everything. He bugged me about the Ativan for days and I kept saying no and getting very upset about it. He then made me feel sorry for him, and it was then that I agreed to let him have one. When I finally told him that he could NOT have one for real and that he needed to find another way to calm his nerves, he has given me the silent treatment and has not answered any of my texts or calls.
This is the first time I have written out this story in full and I apologize for the length, I just really needed to get it out. What kind of narcissist to you think we’re dealing with here? Do you even think he is a narcissist or just a psycho?
I'm so glad you've found us! I'm sorry for the circumstances, but I'm glad you're here.
The controlling behavior of your ex is particularly concerning. Being dominant in the bedroom is one thing, but that's not what this sounds like to me. Here's what I hear:
- He gets off on showing you how powerless you are in comparison to him
- He pushes your boundaries (e.g. demanding that you divulge past sexual info, demanding particular sexual activities)
- He enjoys causing you pain, discomfort and fear
Putting these three things together could make for a very serious situation. This is sadistic behavior and would scare the daylights out of me. Please stay with us and draw strength from the wonderful individuals on this board.
he sounds like he may have been abused sexually or something. he is ted bundy and craiglist killer all wrapped up together. you need to stay away from him . i'm sitting here wondering has he ever raped anyone.
from the way he is so violent in bed and the things he has said to me.. I have definitely wondered the same thing. He also makes a lot of jokes about rape which in the beginning I thought he was just doing for a reaction but now I'm thinking he was 100% serious.
I feel like I have been obsessing about him for so long that only recently have I actually begun to become very afraid. I almost want to start sleeping at my friends house now that I severed contact with him ..
If he's silent, He has a new supply, Use this time to educate yourself. He will be quite for a while. NC is key, especially with this dude. I recommend you PM Never look back. she has a similar nut case. She is ahead of you in healing,and she is very knowledgeable.
As they say... Misery loves Company
Hunter
This is a very sick man. Be glad he is silent. You need to seek therapy, and heal from this Devil.
Welcome please feel free to express your feelings.
Hunter
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story. Despite knowing everything he has done is very wrong, I sometimes still feel crazy. Every time someone validates how I feel it helps a lot. It also helps to be able to admit this finally.. i've been too embarrassed to tell anybody the full story. Thank you!
You are not crazy. Deep down you know this was the furthest thing from the healthy loving relationship you wanted when you first were "smitten" with him. He isn't that guy, that vision you created. He is a monster. If you care about your life and sanity at all, be thankful you didn't marry him and have children with him..and run for YOUR LIFE like your ass is on fire!
that is how I felt, too
in fact, at first my therapist tried to say I was bi-polar but after I found this board and saw how similar we all are in our reactions to these psychos I thought "we can't ALL be bi-polar" and I feel much more healthy, mentally now
I am re-posting the original version of my story, excuse the typos!
We have been on and off for 1 year and a half. When I first met him, there was electricity! I had just painfully ended another relationship. "T" drove up to me in his shiny Mustang and drove up to me informing me that I was absolutely beautiful.
We engaged in a long and intense conversation and I gave him my number. He called several times but I ignored his calls; I was still recovering from a previous relationship.
A few weeks later, I ran into "T" again, he drove up to me while I was standing on the sidewalk near the beach. We both thought it was "Fate" that we ran into each other.
This man was over-the-top and too good to be true from the get go. "T" informed me that he owned his own business, house and numerous other things (that turned out not to be true). "T" would take me to the best restaurants and just listen to me. Come to think of it, he never revealed much, I supposed he was studying me.
Within the first three months he was extremely clingy, making references to our future together, and showering me with praise and adoration.
At the three month mark, he actually proposed to me! It took him three hours to convince me that he was serious. The next day, I mentioned something about said proposal and he stated that he actually wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I flipped! I stormed out of his car and said, “Lose my number, creep!".
A few hours later, he was bombarding me with phone calls. I caved in and met up with him. He informed me that he met a woman on the street, went back to her place because he needed to "talk to someone" and he paid her $40.00 for a foot message. I should have ran a million miles away at that point, but he charmed his way into luring me to stay.
Things progressively grew more intense and I noticed so many red flags. He had no friends, his closet childhood friends hang up on him of he calls them to this day (and it's there fault, of course), he had a very promiscuous past that included seeing prostitutes on a regular basis, he had no attachment to previous flings, he'd change his number after he was done with them. He was extremely rude to waitresses and he appeared to be disgusted with humanity in general (which is strange, because I am a humanitarian). He'd always say, "Take my hand, Angell; it's us against the world.
"T" had violent tendencies, aswell. "T" told me that some guy was looking at him funny in a grocery store and "T snapped, he pushed over a shelf containing canned goods, and smashed a can on the man's skull, also causing $800.00 worth of damage. I was mortified and disgusted when he told me this story; "T" had no emotional reaction and seemed to appear as if his actions were justified. I STILL didn't leave him at this stage!
It turns out "T" lives with his parents, they owned an old truck, and "T" would drive truck for his father. "T"'s father owned the Mustang, as well. This is a harsh contradiction from his original story! "T" had actually filed for bankruptcy.
"T" lives in another town, ran up a $200,000 charge on his credit, smashed a rented vehicle that was not insured and lived it up like a rock star. "T" was very grandiose in his telling of this story, stating everyone in the town thought he was powerful, he'd sleep with three random woman on a regular basis, he'd spend $4000.00 on lunches, live out of a posh hotel, he even considered plastic surgery. Eventually, he used up all of his credit, ended up flat broke and had to deal with legal issues due to the car accident. "T" had no job at the time, and was living in a fantasy world, purely on credit alone, pretending he was "rich".
"T" had to move back with his parents, including his Narcissist Father who was very angry that his son was such a failure. "T" was his father's slave, driving truck non-stop, completely cut off from the world.
"T" and I would continuously get into arguments. Mainly due to his inconsideration( for example, making plans with me at a specific time, and then not showing up for 5 hour later w/o answering his phone) When I would confront him with any issue, it became grossly blown out of proportion. He would end up yelling at me and making soul crushing statements, such as calling me a worthless whore. I would be in tears, he would run off for a few hours, then call me back acting as if nothing happened and flat out denying the abusive comments that he had made.
We would get into these arguments on a weekly basis, than he would leave town for a week. It was driving me crazy. Somehow he kept me hooked.
Sometimes, I would go along for the ride while he was driving truck. That was a huge mistake! We would be stuck in a car for days, he would say all sorts of ridiculous, negative things. My nerves were already bad at one point, and he called me an old, washed up, ugly and worthless whore (I am a very youthful, attractive woman, but 10 years older than him).
I snapped and splashed him with my water, "T" flipped out. "T" grabbed me, dragged me to the door, lifted me over his head and slammed my body against the gravel pavement. "T" threw my boots into the river. I just lay on the pavement, crying and in intense physical and emotional pain, while "T" proceeded to call me a dirty animal and a worthless whore for the next 30 minutes" eventually convinced me to get back into the truck. I was shaken up for the rest of the trip but "T" brushed it off like nothing happened. He even started singing a cheery tune!
He managed to lose his driving due to reckless driving (No, he didn't use drugs or alcohol, he was a health fanatic). "T"'s sense of entitlement extended to the road, he got a kick out of bullying people, and racing them on the road. "T" would get pulled over at least three times per day. The police would issue him a ticket and "T" would always flip out on the police, as if he were above the law.
"T" was becoming more and more abusive, not physically, but emotionally. "T" was constantly breaking up with me, than phoning me back, denying he'd break up with me. "T" would spend the night at my place and then take off w/o explanation. Every time I'd had enough, he'd shower me with gifts and beg for me to stay!
We had an intense argument, "T" stated that he took of the other night because he wanted to go to the bar and check out other woman because I am so old. "T" broke up with me and I flipped out.
A few days later, "T" phoned me, sucking up. His father kicked him out(because "T" lost his license, couldn't drive truck, and was essentially useless to his father). "T" basically told me that he was moving in, I didn't want him to, but I was essentially pressured into it. Big mistake!
"T" had no life skills, was fired from every job he ever had. I enabled "T" by making up resumes, cover letters, and applying for hundreds of jobs. He would go into an interview, and blow it with his arrogant attitude. "T" would inform the manager doing the interview, that despite his lack of experience and education, he could do the manager's job with his hands tied behind his back. Needless to say, he received no calls back. Finally, "T" landed a job at a car dealership (after I spent two hours prepping him for the interview". I was buying all of the groceries, cooking and cleaning. "T" would come home from work everyday and speak about the woman he was working closely with. "T" began to speak about her way too much, so I joked, "Is she going to be your new girlfriend?". "T" stated that if I kept talking like that, she would be. I became very upset and dramatic (due to all of the stress I was facing). I yelled at him, stating that if he wasn't happy, he should leave! I picked up his shirt off of the hanger and threw it on the bed, stating that he could pack his things, "T" started to push me around and than threatened to break my legs. I was rushed with adrenaline and called the police but hung up after 1 ring. "T" took of, but a police man showed up and I was so emotional I told him the whole story.
The police warned me not to go back to this man, the police stated that he was going to speak to "T" and I had no choice in the matter! I begged the police not to ( that's how sick I became, I guess it's a case of Stockholm Syndrome).The police visited "T" at work, and gave him a warning not to return within the next 24 hours.
The following day, I met with "T" begging him to return. "T" moved into a hotel next to my work and refused to see me again (that is, until it suited him!). "T" basically blamed everything on me, stating that I was a disloyal woman for calling the police.
For the next three months, "T" would contact me after I gathered abit of strength, insinuate that he wanted to get back together and work things through, buy me presents, sleep with me and than inform me that he did not see a future for us, and again, not contact me for a week. This whole process drove me crazy! I kept trying to end it for good, but he'd lure me back again with false promises and mega charm! During our split, I went to the book store and was drawn to a book on Narcissistic Men. That is when I started to figure things out!
I eventually started to emotionally detach and date another man. This is when "T" did a 360 degree turn. "T" Insisted that I was the woman for him, he wanted to move in immediately, and start our future together. Despite my instincts and better judgment, I let him move in again.
So many little things happened. We were walking down the street, and a prostitute new him on a 1st name basis, I found a used condom wrapper and we don't use condoms, he had phoned several message parlors, and of course he flat out denied all of these incidents, claiming I was insecure and had trust issues!
"T" was becoming more emotionally detached, he would work 15 hour days, come home, I'd make him dinner and he refused to make any meaningful conversation. The sex with "T" became less frequent and more mechanical. "T" Would treat me like his slave asking me to do little things that he was capable of doing himself constantly. "T" never helped out with groceries, I did everything. When I would try to bring up my frustrations, "T" would mock me, refuse to look me in the eye, and try to distract himself with some other activity, basically pretending as if I were invisible. I would become more frustrated, then he would call me a psycho who was out of control, too emotional. He threatened to abandon me several times. I would be sobbing and he would get this sadistic look in his eyes, start laughing and than start singing a cheery tune again (Knowing that drove me mad!).
I started to feel like the life was being sucked out of me, I could no longer eat or sleep, always obesessing about him and filled with anxiety. I informed "T" about the stated I was in and he showed no empathy, Stating he likes his woman drained, weak and depressed.
I was starting to feel as if I was living with an emotionless robot, repeating the same obsessive compulsive rituals (like spending three hours looking in the mirror every night fixing his hair-I'm not joking), devoid of any intimacy whatsoever. He gave me a really creepy feeling and I felt so alone in his presence.
One evening, "T" pushed every psychological bone in my body, he pushed me to the point of snapping. I lost it, packed his bags and kicked him out (literally kicking him in the behind on his way out, lol).I gave him so many chances to work things out, I believe he pushed me to the edge on purpose.
We repeated the same push and pull cycle again for a few months. "T" stating he wanted to be with me, the next minute denying he'd ever said that-sometime there were only seconds between these conflicting statements.
I finally had enough was enough and decided on no contact. It lasted one week. He broke me down with his regular phone calls and sappy messages on my voicemail. "T" even stated that he was going to all of the places I hang out and walking down my street, hoping to catch a glimpse of me!
"T" came for dinner, stated that he had enough back and forth and wanted to move in with me again. I informed "T" that I wanted to date other men, "T" wanted me all to himself!
A few days later (Today!), I met with him for coffee. He started off being superficially friendly. I asked him if he was serious about me this time. He stated that he was, although we had a lot to work through. I asked him how he planned on working things through., he said communication. For the next half hour he kept switching responses, saying he wanted to be my boyfriend, and then telling me to move on. I got angry with him and told he that he was leading me on this whole time, wasting my time, being phony and making false promises. I told him that I needed to move on and we needed to break contact for good! He tried to persuade me to be his "friend" and take things slowly. I told him that there is no going backwards, if he wasn't ready to work things out, I was done wasting my time. He then stated that he wasn't the guy for me (despite stating that he wanted to marry me and work amour problems the night before). He said he loved me. I called him a phony, flaky liar and a monster and stated that I never wanted to see him again! That was three hours ago.
I am back to day one of No-Contact. I pray to god that I have the strength to make it permanent this time. I am still in denial about the possibility of him being a full-fledged Narcisst and I am afraid I will not be able to relate to a normal man again.
I refuse to allow myself to be damaged by this experience and I am going to keep my heart open again, and trust others. This time I will RUN at the first sign of a red flag and not look back!
My story doesn’t end here, I broke contact several more times and the results were disastrous, but you catch the drift!
Do Not allow "T" THE TERROR to damage you. You are stronger than this!! Turn off the vision you have created about him, and look at reality (his actions.)Turn off the voice in your head that repeats his words. In Malignant Self Love (quoted by Lisa in her book) Dr. vankin writes
"With the classic narcissist, language is used cruelly and ruthlessly to ensnare one's enemies, to saw confusion and panic, to move others to emulate the narcissist (Projective Identification), to leave the listeners in doubt, in hesitation, in paralysis, to gain control, or to punish. Language is enslaved and forced to lie. The language is appropriated and expropriated. It is considered to be a weapon, an asset, a piece of lethal property, a traitorous mistress to be gang raped into submission."
This come close, now go away routine is just to beat you into submission. It is a form of control. It is NOT love.
Please don't do this to yourself
Miss Lewis your story just like a few others is similar to mines and I will tell you now I know what you mean about contradictions just in seconds. Not only is he a full narcissit he has split personalities and is dangerous. Please stay NC this guy sounds like a livewire. I'm sorry that you had to go thru that but don't be like me and end up with kids with this monster. Please get out now!
The N in my story is cerebral, not somatic. I met the N about two years ago in grad school (I am reluctant to call him "my N" because I see now that he has never been anything to me). At first, I was completely put off by his behavior and attitude because he was always so loud and needed everyone to laugh at his jokes.
After a few months of not communicating with him (by choice), he suddenly started turning on the charm during social outings. However, it was on a much lower level than I'd witnessed before, so I wasn't immediately turned off. Instead, I was impressed by his wit and humor. Plus, he did one key thing to keep me hooked: he'd come on strong, make sure I was enjoying myself around him, and then abruptly leave to talk to someone else. My response was shock and a feeling of rejection, so I would always try to get more time with him to keep him to convince myself that I wasn't being rejected. After a few months of this, we started getting closer and closer, but he would still pull away (just without the same abruptness).
Over the last year, I had grown to consider us friends because we spent a lot of time around each other in our grad program. In retrospect, he dropped A LOT of hints that he is a N. He told me several times that he "hates everyone" and "has no feelings" and "has no friends". I laughed it off, because he was always, always, always around people, laughing and joking with them. At that point, I couldn't comprehend that he truly didn't like people since he spent so much time in their presence.
It was only the other night that I clued into the fact that he has no empathy. That was what ultimately made me realize he's an N. We were discussing politics and he kept saying things like "people don't have any natural born rights so I don't know why people fight for things" and "I'm just over here watching everyone from above while they bicker over these things." I relayed the story to my roommate who immediately pointed out that he had no empathy, given that he can't understand why people have political ideals.
I researched online 'lack of empathy' and up popped a ton of information about the N disorder. I was completely shocked when I saw how many of the symptoms he met. He's constantly talking about himself, exaggerating his achievements, and disregarding the feelings of others. Additionally, I realized one of the things which had always upset me the most about him was his tendency to get really close to me and then ignore me for a week or so. I could NEVER understand it and always attributed it to him being particularly busy with school or work. Now, I (painfully) understand that he'd just gotten enough N supply from me and didn't need me.
Right now, he's in the cycle of actively ignoring me. He hasn't responded to texts, emails, and even ignored me when I said hello to him in person yesterday. For the first time, he's hidden me on facebook chat. I think it's because I got closer than I ever had, and he couldn't handle it. Or he got really angry with me for not catering to him the other day. I don't know. I can't tell if he's just avoiding me because he doesn't need the supply, or if he's trying to punish me by withholding. It could be either, because he's done both in the past.
A few months ago, he told me he didn't trust people and didn't get close to people because his biological mother had abandoned him when he was a child (HOW DID I NOT GET IT THEN?!. He was adopted when he was six. I don't know if he's ever been in therapy, but knowing what I know now, I'm' surprised that he realized he doesn't trust people and doesn't let them get close. From what I've read it seems like narcissists don't know that they do this or that their patterns are unusual.
I'm really struggling right now because I feel like someone has died. It's devastating to learn that someone I cared about as much as I care about any of my good friends has never cared about me beyond considering me a consistent source of attention. I'd always thought he was egotistic, but he did a good enough job of pretending to care about me from time to time that I never caught on. Plus, like I said, he never let me get REALLY close. He'd pull away, so I didn't realize how strange he was. I just thought he was incredibly insecure due to his mother giving him up (and I developed a false sense of closeness thanks to him telling me this- he hasn't told anyone else in our grad program so I wrongly thought it meant that he trusts me and considered me a friend).
Right now, I cannot comprehend that he doesn't care about me at all. It's still unfathomable to me. I cycle between knowing on one level that I will never be able to fix him, and attempting to convince myself that he's not an N, but just a deeply insecure man who does have the ability to love people. Part of this is because it upsets me so much to realize I was manipulated for two years. I'm doing everything to convince myself that I haven't been so stupid.
I just received my username today, but read your story the day you posted it. I can hear the hurt in your heart, and boy have I been there 100x with my exN. Their manipulative ways can completely drain everything from you.
I have posted this before, but I will write it again: When men do this come close to me baby, and then directly after pull away and give silent treatment...it is all about control. This is not love honey, this is not something you want to spend your energy trying to figure out.
There are actually men out there who can love, have empathy, and they have respect for women, and they even know how to communicate. We all wish we could choose who we fall for, and I am sorry to say you fell for a dud. If you get back together with this N, it will only be good for very short term (days)..that is all they know and all that he can supply.
Last, one thing that always helped me in getting over my ExN, every time I was crying my eyes out and in so much pain I knew he wasn't feeling the pain and sadness that I was. they don't care, they cannot feel, they cannot emotionally attach (no matter how wonderful you are)...so don't waste one more tear on this monster.
I fell for my (now ex)Narc one night at work, we spent the whole shift discussing the relationships we were both currently in, how neither of us were happy. He seemed incredible from the very beginning. He blamed his gf at the time for the reason they were doing so bad (they had been together for 4 years, had a dog & house together). We talked every single night at work for 3 months. At work he was the Alpha Male, that every girl wanted to be with and every guy wanted to be, I thought whoever ends up with him is going to be one lucky girl! I eventually broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years (not on a bad terms, he just didn’t want the same things out of life as me) and the Narc told me he’s moving out of the house and leaving his girlfriend. Two weeks later he came to my house, we played board games and went to dinner, I was hooked! I could not believe he was interested it me! Everything he said was perfect and he treated me like a true gentlemen, and we became a couple.
He ADORED me, he told me he prayed to God for me, wanted to see me every second of everyday, that he’s “never felt this way about anybody before“, that I should be so happy that I’m THE girl that finally tamed him (he is 30, and hasn’t been faithful to even ONE girlfriend ..but all his ex’s are STILL addicted to him and STILL want him back) Somehow, I thought I was different - I guess, because that’s what he told me. He went on and on about how he wants to move in, marry me, and give me babies (also said he’s never told anyone this before, but now looking back without my blinders on, obviously he told his ex the same thing if they bought a HOUSE together!).
The first three months were incredible, I thought I was “In love” for the first time, and found my soul mate. WRONG! There were many tell-tale signs in the beginning but I refused to see them. After the 3 month honeymoon phase, things took an immediate turn for the worst. He became super controlling, manipulative, and just plain mean. I literally revolved my life around him, because that’s what he said I had to do, making sure he was happy & satisfied, and I thought it was what I had to do to make the relationship work, after all, he was my “soul mate.”
He would tell me horrible things from his past like “If my girlfriend didn’t cook me dinner, I would go find a girl that would cook for me, and then I’d cheat on my girlfriend with her” HE TOLD ME THIS! And what did I do? I think started stressing out, thinking “ I need to make sure I need to meet everyone of his needs.“ I don’t know where this weak “me” came from, don’t get me wrong, I love to take care of people and make people happy, but WHAT was I thinking?! Who wants to be with man like that?! He told me stories about how hard his life has been, which made me feel so sorry for him, so I wanted to save him, help him, and take all his worries away. It ended up turning into a relationship where I was walking on eggshells every second of the day, just to make him happy, yet he never was. If he dropped the cap to his drink, I had to jump up and pick it up and hand it to him before he got mad. I don’t know who I become, I lost myself.
He was so controlling, I needed a part time job but it couldn’t be at the mall (he stated I would meet a nice guy who worked the same shift as me, and I would leave him!) so I found an awesome job based off his sleep schedule (he worked overnights, and I had started a new job during the day) and then two weeks later his days off changed, so he made me quit so it didn’t take time from us (even though I needed the $$, and it was only 8 hours a week!) Of course at this point, there were no more love letters being sent to me, no more “I think you’re beautiful”, not even anymore “How was your day?” I spoke to him about his lack of interest in me and his said, “I can’t give you that, I don’t have it in me”. He then blamed depression, and of course then I felt bad he was depressed, and he told me how wrong it was of me to expect anything from him, and I had to be more patient and understanding! I was becoming so frustrated with the way the relationship was going, I was giving 100%, and he wasn’t even giving 1%. I felt like his slave in some sense, I had to do everything for him, like TURN ON HIS SHOWER, he just wanted to be waited on hand & foot. He did not appreciate anything what-so-ever, I felt like no matter what I did, it was never good enough, yet I could never picture leaving him, I knew it HAD to get better. I felt so isolated, I wasn’t allowed out with my friends, but ironically I took so much comfort in being with him, I felt so complete with him.
After 10 months, It was over with a simple phone call from him 5 minutes before I walked into work. I was DEVASTATED. He just said he didn’t want to do it anymore. At this point, I didn’t see all the D&D, and was still madly in love with him, how could he leave me? I did everything for him. I was so hurt and couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t sleep, and my mind would not stop racing. I thought my life was over, and saw no future if it wasn’t with him. I started seeing a therapist, which helps a lot. When I came across this board, I couldn’t believe it, to read other stories from people are going through the same thing is mind-blowing and SO helpful. This is a horrible thing to go through and I need all the support I can get. I am just trying to realize the pain and loss I feel is not for my exNarc, it is for a person who doesn’t truly exists. I now see he is a charmer who truly DIDN’T care about me at all, I saw him a week after he broke up with me, to exchange our stuff, and he said it was the best week ever, he got to do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted (..meaning play video games, smoke weed, and watch tv with his buddy) I begged and begged for him to take me back, I would do whatever it would take. He said he just didn't feel the same about me anymore.
Its been 6 weeks now, and no further contact, I’m sure he’s moved on to another girl now (which still kills me anytime I think about him with someone else). His mother messaged me a few weeks ago to see how I was doing and to just let me know that I am a great person. I should have listened to her when she told me to RUN the first time I met her, she clearly knew something I didn’t!!
There is SO much more to my story that I didn’t add, that is obviously the quick simple version, I still struggle every single day, it’s only been 6 weeks since he left, but I’ve been reading these boards for about 3 days now, and it has been so incredibly helpful! Looking back now though, whenever I looked into his eyes I always saw emptiness, I thought it was just me being silly, because obviously this is the man I love with all of my heart and I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, if ONLY I realized what my gut was telling me.
I wish there were no ties
cutting ties and losses
Believe me I'm no fool
Thank you, thank you
ha! Good for you!!
Mines got pissed because I
my new life in 2011 Thanks to Lisa and all of you
New Life...thank you for
thanks
thank you for sharing your
Thank you so much for sharing
finding me again, We all lose
Gravity's Story
Gravity
Thank you so much for your
he sounds like he may have
from the way he is so violent
whatever he is, stay far, far
I feel like I have been
Gravity
Gravity
Thanks
crazy
that is how I felt, too in
My Encounter with a Narcisst
Miss Lewis
Miss Lewis your story just
Robot's Story
i hope you are still NC
LiveLaughLove's Story