is she a narcissist...?
is she a narcissist...?
I just wanted to try and gain some clarity as to whether or not I was dating a narcissist and/or an emotional abuser and how to overcome this as I am really finding my days difficult at the moment.
I started dating a woman (same sex relationship) in June of 2016. We met online and everything just seemed so perfect. We had things in common, enjoyed the same lifestyle and valued family. She had a little baby of her own, only 4 months old at the time. Things were so full on very quickly and we had not even met in person. She would pull away in conversations and say things like "oh I'll be amazed if we talk again after that conversation" and I found myself being pushed away by her and then pulled straight back in.
We spoke online and over the phone for 2 and a half weeks prior to first meeting. Whenever she would get really cold she would say "It just really frustrates me that I can't have something right now and I really want it" or "I am so used to being able to get what I want" and even "It actually scares me that I feel so strongly for someone I haven't met yet".
It was a little strange given she had not even met me and was saying these things so early on.
When I flew to meet her for the first time, she picked me up later in the evening, and brought her now 5 month old baby out at night to get me. She paid for this trip saying "it would be easier if I pay because then I don't have to bring my daughter over etc". We went back to her house and stayed in the same bed. She would say to me, I don't sleep with anyone unless we have three dates (I lived 9 and a half hours away). Anyway, that night, it was quite late she wanted to sleep with me. She kept saying "I don't let anyone sleep with me, but I can sleep with them". Anyway, the weekend was really lovely and it felt like everything was meant to be. I met her daughter obviously straight away (even thought she had no clue who I was as a real person), and her sister also dropped in. I met her friend from across the road too. When I left that weekend to go home, she wouldn't go near me at the airport, but I still felt as though I wanted to see her again.
I went back 2 weeks later to visit again. It was much the same, very full on and lots of strong feelings, but she was so full of herself. She was telling me about all of her achievements in sport and in her workplace (working for the police force). She would also tell me about how many houses she owned and money she had. Still, I wanted to keep seeing her. I also met her Dad this time, and he was so arrogant about some of the things he had achieved in sport too.
She came back with me on the plane with her daughter and spent the weekend with me. It was really great. We went to visit places around my town and got to see a lot of different things. She was very adamant about how her daughter was taken care of and everything was very much down to a routine, right down to the second. You couldn't interrupt the sleeping routine e.g., put her to bed a minute later than normal, she had to be fed a particular way, you couldn't look at her in the cot as you fed her and also the room should've had a roller shutter on it so it is pitch black.
We would video call every night to speak and she would message me all day. If I went out for dinner she would say "make sure you call me when you get home". If I responded with "nah I will just call in the morning as it might be late", she would get angry and say "no, you will call me". July and August were relatively nicer months except for the two times when she pushed me away. We had had a few discussions about ex's and I was very open in saying there is one ex I do speak to. She said she didn't speak to any.
I did have my questions about a few things she had mentioned about being into porn, and sexual type statements, but whenever I brought this up she was adamant she was only joking so I just let it go because on paper, this relationship all just seemed perfect.She also had mentioned about adopting her daughter and this was only a couple of months in.
In early September she came over to visit and wanted to leave out of the blue. She said to me "this relationship isn't going to work because I don't like you doing things for me". (This was in reference to me helping clean bottles and plastic plates for her daughter. I was very hands on and just wanted to help). After me calming her down and explaining that relationships don't work unless we get to help each other, she came around and said she would work at allow me to help her out. It was like she wanted this control. She also wanted to to stop talking to my ex. This didn't last and whilst I was at work (she was on maternity leave), she just up and left. She messaged and said she had to go home because she felt uncomfortable in my house, felt like she might break something and didn't like the fact that the stuff there wasn't hers. That night I spoke to her on the phone and she said "fix this shit" in relation to our long distance relationship (we had only been talking for 3 months).
I of course go to work and print of transfer papers to see if I could work in her home town, but then she was saying "oh no don't worry you don't need to do that". The goal posts were forever changing. It was decided that if all things were going well, she would move to my home town in Dec/Jan for 6 months and then we would do distance for 6 months and then I would move at the start of the 2018 year. Because she had maternity leave it was perfect and no ones career was being put at risk.
During this month of September, I also had a holiday overseas booked with a friends for a wedding. She of course did not know me at the time of booking. She did want me to change the flight however so I could take her instead and then would put on this guilt trip about "oh hopefully we can go another time". Whilst overseas she would text me flat out! When I was at home on my own in the same country, this had become hot and cold. It was like whenever I was with someone she had to hound me, but when she knew I wasn't I didn't get much at all.
We had decided that on my return from overseas, she would drive me back to my home town and live with me for 6 months. I also had surgery during this time and she was going to look after me for the 2 weeks. We arrived back on a Friday and hung out for a few days - everything seemed fine. I then had to go to work on a Monday morning (my surgery was happening on a Wednesday) and whilst at work, she messaged me and said she was going home. This meant I had no one to take me to surgery and no one to bring me home and look after me. Quite a dangerous procedure mind you. Now because she seemed upset for leaving, I called her sister and had her go buy a stack of things to put on her bed for when she arrived home. There was also a shape of a love heart in rose petals. When she got home she saw things and cried and thanked me....this was short lived because what followed was her yelling at me about involving her sister in it. I juts let it go - how was it that she left me in my time of need and I was sending her things only to be yelled at.
During my recovery I was couped up in bed and she was so short and cold to me. One minute she was nice, the next minute she gave me nothing. I asked what was wrong and she went off. Said a stack of horrible things like "you try to hard with my daughter, you don't try hard enough, you're too sensitive, you're overreacting. Some days she didn't even ask how I was. Wouldn't call me. Wouldn't say she loved me if people were around. She also had the nerve to ask me if her ex girlfriend could live with her and rent a room - mind you, apparently she has nothing to do with her.
The last straw was when she said to me "you make me not want anything to do with you". So I left. Then she got upset and said "I am sorry, i just thought you were trying to take my daughter from me - how on earth would I have any legal rights to her is what I thought.
She had said a bunch of hurtful things to me including:
You take me away from my daughter
You message too often
You make me feel under pressure
You make me feel as though I need to have my phone on me all of the time (not once have I ever questioned how long she takes to respond, but as soon as I don't her comment is 'why aren't you talking to me'.
Driving to you is impacting on my life
Plus a whole range of other hurtful comments.
With this I stopped writing to her, because I actually felt like she was breaking up with me. Now this was 4 days after I had surgery, so I am supposed to be in bed for 2 weeks, and she says this 4 days following. I didn't write to her first anymore, I just went all cold because I was so upset. She then would say "why aren't you giving me any love". I was like What tha!? How can someone say all of that stuff, but expect me to be still the same. She then said to me "I still want you as my girlfriend". Anyway, a couple of days later she sends me this massive apology and gifts in the mail. Photos of her daughter, videos of her daughter, paintings and asks me if I would be the other "Mummy". You can imagine my confusion.
I forgive her...
Still in October....Then I ask her what her ex girlfriends name was because I see on her facebook (that she deleted me on because of a photo from 2 years prior), that she changed her profile picture and a girl had commented. I thought that it must be her ex girlfriend that she had asked could live with her. She cracked it at me for asking her such a thing and abused me about it. Wouldn't tell me her first name. This went on an on, so I left her. I couldn't do this back and forth anymore, and have double standards. I couldn't talk to my ex, but she could ask if hers could live with her, and this girl commenting all over her photos. She ended up telling me her name when I said I was done, followed by "I hope your happy and you regret this" something to that effect. Later that afternoon she drove 9 and a half hours and rocked up at my door to apologise, with her daughter.
I accept her apology...We are now up to
1. An apology for leaving in September
2. An apology for leaving in October
3. An apology for saying nasty things in October
4. An apology for not telling me her ex's name
Whilst she was here I asked who was looking after her animals, after all this was why she was adamant she asked the ex to live there - so she could visit me more often without worrying about her pets. She told me a friend from work was. I looked at her phone to see that this was incorrect. The ex girlfriend was there at her house looking after them. I asked her to leave. There were also photos that she had sent her ex whilst I was in hospital...so here I am recovering from surgery and my girlfriend is being short with me, but she is sending messages to her ex. She was adamant that these messages were asking for help in relation to an ankle injury (the ex was a pharmacists and could tell her medication). Anyway, I asked her to leave for lying to me and she once again talked me out og it and apologised. I questioned why the photos and she said because that was a top she had bought her.
So here I am ... my girlfriend changes her facebook profile picture (doesn't use facebook all that often) to a photo of her daughter (first photo she has ever put up and she's 8 months old), in the top her ex gave her, and the same photo she sent to her ex....what message does that send!? She thinks none of course.
5. An apology for lying
6. An apology for not telling me her ex name
7. An apology for sending her a photo.
I question her about what relationship she has with her and she says none. Further down the track (in Jan) I find out that this ex did actually know that she was pregnant and did not visit her 3 weeks after her daughter was born. She visited her in the hospital room. So she had her immediate family there, plus her ex. Another lie to me.
8. Apology for lying to me about when the ex girlfriend met her daughter
I am still with her and it is November. Many ups and downs and cold messages. She would write me a nice message, followed by giving me nothing. Sometimes xxx in the messages. Other times absolutely nothing. Very hot and cold.
So we have seen each other every fortnight. She is on maternity leave for 2 years after deciding to have a baby on her own.
She keeps telling me what to do with her daughter, how to look after her, when I have filled her bottles she has no issue in telling me if I have done it incorrectly. I know this is her daughter, but if she hasn't told me something once, she has told me a thousand times. We can't go anywhere because this child has to be in such a routine! She then says "I am sorry if you think I am a bad parent". I never even insinuated it.
Honestly, these types of comments go back and forth.
Anyway, I decide to go no contact for a few days in November to get some clarity. She didn't write to me which was supportive. I then lost a family member which she knew about and contact was made. Our relationship kicked off again and she then 3 days later asked to borrow $17,000. I didn't lend it. She came over to visit me and I had a 40th party on. I was only going for the dinner. I asked her to come and she said no and that she would just drive home when I left for the dinner (I was only going for an hour, why couldn't she just stay). So I say I won't go. She says oh ok, I will stay an extra night! Why couldn't she stay the extra night if I go to dinner for only an hour. This time she also forced me to watch porn.
She needed ankle surgery in December and kept asking for my opinion. Honestly it was like nothing in the past ever happened. Anyway, I support the decision. She was worried about who would look after her daughter. Long story cut short, I offer to help given the kind person I am. She drives her car to me on a Monday (9 and a half hours), and leaves her daughter with her parents. I put her on a train to go to the city for surgery on the Tuesday. She stays in hospital Tuesday and Wednesday night. Wednesday night at 8:30pm, I drive 3 and a half hours to stay in the city. I get up Thursday at 5am and drive to the airport. I get a flight to her home town, pick up her daughter, get straight back on the plane and fly back. I get in the car and drive to get her from the hospital. I drive them both back to my home town, 3 and a half hours. I look after them for a couple of days until I finish work for the year. Straight after my last day of work, I drive them both back 9 and a half hours to get them home. Once back in their home town, I wheel her in a wheelchair for a week and take care of her daughter (who I obviously have formed a close bond with). I had to drive home with friends christmas eve, 9 and a half hours, so I could see my family. After christmas I drive back with friends and spent another 2 weeks there looking after them.
Whilst I was there this time, she made comments about actors on movies are good looking (they look nothing like me), told me if she could change one thing about me it would be for me to get muscles, went to bed angry at me (despite the fact she knows this is my biggest hate and fear because my father passed away and I had not spoken to him), had a go at me about wanting to go the park with her with her and her daughter and not mentioning inviting her sister and her kids, had a go at me about being too shy, told me I make her act different around her family and she feels like she cant be herself around her niece nephew (she has later admitted that she just said this to create an argument), and really just avoided me at all costs. Wouldn't cuddle me, nothing!!!!! I left and flew home and she gave me nothing.
Her moods changed again, it was like living my October life again. She then started complaining about her lack of money and made comments like "oh I have spent so much over the last 6 months". This was when we met. I asked her if it was because of me and she was like "yeah it is". I apologised about it.Nothing about yeah but that's ok, i love you. Just had a dig at how much she spent on me. She yelled at me for having a guitar that I play because my ex had bought it...she did buy me one, but it isn't the one I play. Told me she was going back to work early because of me.
Anyway, she went really short with me whilst I was back home. Didn't want to video call me anymore, super short. We had decided to go to the Australian Open Tennis in late Jan and all of a sudden she was saying "nah I don't want to waste your time" Where did this even come from. Kept saying "oh it'll be easier if I fly in and out for my appointment and we don't go to the tennis". I said, you just let me know what you want to do and I will work around that and make sure we see each other. Because I wouldn't engage in this she just booked a fly in and fly out ride so we couldn't go to the tennis. She then said "if you wanted to, you would've just booked the tickets and accommodation but you didn't so I assumed you didn't want to go". I can never get anything right.
I questioned her over her being short to me and why she was treating me poorly. She wrote back this long message about struggling with her surgery and managing on her own. She then went on to say that she thought she made a poor decision about having the surgery. I wrote back a really nice message back straight away reassuring her she had not. She decides not to reply for 3 hours. This was quite common. Either not write back at all, and get shitty when I didn't, or she would be super cold and be really short. She decides to write back 3 hours later and not even thank me for my support or anything, simply says "what you doing". I ask her if she is angry or upset at me and her response has a go at me about "finding your message to be very unemotional but thats ok, that's how you feel". So we have a big argument again!! I find out that she has an online dating profile active and she sends a xx to a random girl. I question her over it and she says "I knew it was you, I only did that because you were setting me up". Now it wasn't me, but if it was, don't you think I would want her to not respond and just delete the account to show her loyalty!? No one had set her up, I just noticed she got a notification on her email about it!
With this, I broke up with her. I told her not to contact me again. She rang me one phone call after the other that day, and it has basically been the same ever since. I just cannot bring myself to block her number because of her little girl. Since breaking up with her these are some of the things that have happened and some of the things that have been said to me (it has been nearly 4 months).
- She has rang me a lot, once it was 85 times in 1 hour
- "I know what is best for you".
- "You know that if you see me you'll feel better"
- "You know that I am the only one you should be talking to"
- "You are f**** kidding yourself you think you don't want me"
- Degrading comments "don't you miss having me between your legs"
- "I know that I can give you everything"
- "I wouldn't be still here if I didn't believe I could be the person you need"
- "I'm not a sick individual that wants you back so I can hurt you again"
- Told me she went to a psychologist 9 times, she went once (I do believe she is seeing one now)
- "I am in love with you and no one else"
- "Marry me"
- "Surely if my daughter meant anything you would give me another chance"
- She knew my Mum was away a month after we broke up and she rocked up unannounced - 9 and a half hour drive, holding her child out at me
- Tells me to send all the stuff back to her that she had at my house, but then gets angry when I do
- Sending gifts saying "hi mummy" when I was never the other 'Mum'
- I ask a question and the story doesn't add up
- I ask a question and she answers in a long winded way that isn't even related to the original question
- She made a book for me the night we broke up, but tried to convince me it was made 2 weeks prior - she has now admitted this
- Blames so many different things and people for her behaviour - family upbringing, imbalance of hormones, thought I would take daughter, insecure, didn't think I liked her dress sense, that she was worried what others thought of her, jealous of my relationship with her daughter
- Told me I am emotionally abusive
- Told me not to ring her daughter for her 1st birthday (a month after we broke up), but thinks I should be her other Mum
- Later abused me for not flying over to see her
- "Don't miss out on my daughters life, you have missed so much"
- Went off at me for giving her Dad a book to read because she reckoned he wouldn't like it
- "Don't dwell on shit and overthink things"
- We had an argument one night and she just left me out on the couch to sleep. She got up 3 times, but still didn't come and get me
- I had been driving her and her daughter around for 3 -4 weeks because of her surgery and she was in a wheelchair...had a go at me about my driving
- "Keeps calling herself a worthless piece of shit"
- Threatened suicide (I say I am calling her family and she retracts)
- "The difference between you and I is that i would come check on you" (in relation to me not coming over to see her)
- She says "I am sorry you're not ready like I am"
- "I thought you would focus on the future if I was worth it"
- "I'm sorry you feel like I pushed you away"
- "I'm sorry you read things the wrong way"
- "Even my friends say I should let you go and I'll find someone else"
- Told me I would go to work and one little thing would remind me of her and I would be miserable
- "You've been home for days and you aren't getting better which is why you need to see me"
- She had a go at me for having dinner with a friend every Monday
- Keeps saying her daughter will grow up a heartless bitch without me in her life
- Started applying for houses in my home town despite me asking her not to.
- Started applying for job even though I don't want to be together
- Kept saying how she wanted her daughter to grow up near me even if we weren't together
- Says hurtful things to me and then says "I just want to now be honest" e.g., my sister says I shouldn't have you in my life
- I would ask a question and she would say "oh, I forget the context"
- "I don't remember saying that"
- There was two sets of rules, I had to tell her who had messaged me or what friend I was visiting, but she would just say "just had a friend over".
- "You know that if you see me everything will be fine. You know that if we are in each others company you will be fine. You know that if you are in my arms you will sleep".
- "I am stronger than you and I am stronger than your Mum"
- "I know what you need. I know you better than anyone"
- "If you were concerned for my welfare you would come and visit me so you do think I am worthless and that's ok"
- "I am taking my daughter away from my family because I don't want them to grow up like I did"
- "I am disowning my family because you are my family"
- "You know I am struggling with my daughter and you won't even come and help me" (her daughter got glasses and had to have a patch on eye)
- Yells at me
- Talks over the top of me
- Sends me this massive apology about wanting me to be happy even if it is without her.....is it another tactic!?
- Talks about her achievements flat out and how good she is.
- We were talking about interview techniques and she goes "I am great at interviews because you just have to teach the panel about yourself and I am a great teacher"
- Tells me how to do my job sometimes
- Says to me "I can't do this anymore, you can see (daughter) whenever you like, but you don't have access to me anymore." I agree and she says "All the best". I thank her and say "you too", she went off and swore at me.
This is really just a brief outline, even though it seems very long...what are your thoughts?
Thank you so much for listening to me
Thank you again for taking
Thank you so much for your
I'm so sorry for what you've been through
Thank you so much Lisa. Thank
You're welcome and so not sounding like a desperate pest!
Thank you, fighter!
Read between the lines
Not a pest for wanting be feel normal again
I guess sometimes you feel
Obsessing is normal
Than you Lisa. Thank you for
She is only saying that to manipulate you
Obsessing is normal
Excellent advice, Domo!
I thought I might give an
Yes, these are wrong! Listen to your gut!