Should you contact an ExN's ex?

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#1 Apr 24 - 5PM

seeingthelight

Should you contact an ExN's ex?

Ok,

so now I'm starting to emerge from the horrible black cloud that I was under for such a long time I have begun to really look back and analyse things and wanted some advice on something.....

There was another girl at work who my exN was dating before me. Anyway she appeared to go a bit razy over him and when we got together she tried to sabotage things, cornering him at functions, crying and saying things about me (she didn't really know me at all!) Anyway, at the time I would keep saying to my ex that he needed to deal with it which of coursr he never did.

Now I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps how he treated her had a major impact on how she ended up behaving? He told me that he'd cheated on her over and over and she could never get to grips with the fact he didnn't want to be with her etc etc, same old story, all her fault, not his etc.

Anyway, in the interests of karma and the fact that the thought that someone else has been affected by this idiot and how horrible that can feel, I was considering contacting her to offer an olive branch to chat, if she wants to.

I don't particularly want to drag up lots of history or end up feeling bitter and twisted but thought she might appreciate it and maybe we may feel a little validated if we discussed it.

Any opinions?

#2 Apr 27 - 7AM

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

great validation......

i've always found it very validating to talk to other victims of the psychonarc....even when they weren't exactly forthcoming i could still tell that he'd done them dirt.... no one ever has defended him or his behavior...no one has ever said.....'oh he was womderful to me'....never.. and i have contacted victims...warning them...and a couple contacted me back and said they had that feeling...we all know the one...the feeling that something is amiss...the one they quickly try to dismiss..... i think Barbara's idea is a good one......just offer to discuss it...and see what happens.....

#3 Apr 27 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

seeingthelight

thanks

Good ideas, I think I will do it, I feel like I should, if I can help myself and her in the process then it will be worth it. My heart is telling me that she really may need to talk to someone who 'get's it'. I know what its like in my work environment, very male orientated and women are generaly viewed as objects and tend to be viewed as crazy if they've been wronged by another guy at work and not understood and it can be hard as its a very incestuous place to be......... I get the feeling that nobody else would have understood her. Interesting, tonight I had a message from a mutual friend of N's. She wanted to know what I thought of a male friend of his and whether I thought he was alright to date. I gave her my honest opinion and then a little warning that she should be careful as I was aware that N had tried to set this guy up with lots of women before and that she should be careful as he has a tendancy to lie a lot and will only put himself out if there's something in it for him. (This girl has pretty much been on my side for the whole situation....) Anyway, she is a lot younger than me and does like to talk about herself a lot but she totally blanked what I said about N! I made the point of saying I wasn't commenting on him out of bitterness but because I know what he's like and he can be manipulative etc. Made me realise that maybe until you've had some experience of an N or something similar you don't really get it. It knocked me a bit and made me think oh no, was it me?! Quickly dispelled that thought as I know from reading lots of stories on here that he is a narcissist. I know the truth and my sanity and happiness is the most important thing right?! This really does require hard work though!

#4 Apr 26 - 2PM

AnotherPath

I contacted his ex, she'd

I contacted his ex, she'd been with him 15 years before. He had told me she'd punched him in the face. She was lovely and of course he'd punched her in the face and a lot of other stuff. One of the things she did ask was that I wouldn't go back to him and was pleased I said no before she would talk more Still wary. She was also friends with the exgf before me, he'd called her mad and jealous, she'd left horrible messages on his answer machine when I first met him. Turns out he was diabolical to her and she went into therapy, was with her for a year. So with contacting what did it achieve? I started to realise the extent of his lying, I got to know that he'd done his shit on other women and me, so it wasn't personal and it was all him. She got to find out he hadn't got better and now had a criminal record for it. They both hated him and that's over 10 years since they split, they knew the damage being with him causes.

Ending the dance

#5 Apr 27 - 5AM

taken

multiple girls...

The girls mine dated before me wouldn't talk to me. I was still dating him when I heard the stories (truth) about him. I wouldn't talk to his new girlfriend..she would just laugh in my face...as she did the last time I caught them together...she thinks I am a stalker... If asked..then tell I will.. if ever asked..

#6 Apr 27 - 7AM (Reply to #11)

AnotherPath

I think the contacting the

I think the contacting the exgf can only happen once everyone is out of the relationship.If his gf called me I wouldn't talk because she's still with him. If she contacted me when it was over between them I would, I have children with exN so wouldn't want to risk anything because of them. But like I say when it's all over I would have no problems talking to her if she contacted me.

Ending the dance

#7 Apr 27 - 8AM (Reply to #12)

Barbara (not verified)

there's always this route...

www.cheateralert.com www.peepsheet.com www.cheaterregistry.com www.liarscheatsandbastards.com www.datingpsychos.com www.dontdatehimgirl.com www.stoptheact.com www.chatroomlies.com ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#8 Apr 24 - 5PM

woundedsoul36

there's not a doubt in my

there's not a doubt in my mind her behavior for him after their break up was calculated & executed and yielded the results that he wanted...the results are exactly the same, every time..he can depend on that...and he thoroughly enjoys having an obsessed/borderline stalker ex to talk about and have..she's lavishing him with attention and everyone else is lavishing him with pity...NS JACKPOT.

#9 Apr 24 - 5PM (Reply to #2)

seeingthelight

Thanks wounded soul, think

Thanks wounded soul, think you're right, it was obvious he loved it and let it continue even a year into our relationship when I started to question things. Do you think the right thing to do would be to try and talk to her or perhaps leave the past in the past?

#10 Apr 24 - 5PM (Reply to #3)

woundedsoul36

I'm not sure yet...I haven't

I'm not sure yet...I haven't contacted my n's other woman because I don't think she would ever believe me because she's wrapped up still. She's a highly educated woman but it doesn't matter when your blinded, lovestruck, brainwashed and mindfucked by them. She won't be able to see until she's ready to see. I hope to receive an email from her someday when she's at the point I am at. My n had us in a "secret triangle" of sorts...to keep us from ever knowing/talking he's pitted us against each other in making us both believe we are "ex's and are stalking him" "that he doesn't talk to me/she anymore"- just lies. She's always been his backup, when I get pissed at him. They gotta have back-up. We were all on a small social networking site together in the past and I've seen her facebook page, so I know how to contact her. I just don't know if she is ready, and I'm not quite sure if I want to deal with N's revenge...next thing I know naked pics will be on the net *I know I know...who could resist~IT WAS THAT HOT BETWEEN US* I don't think I want to give him anything to smear me with..but I would never deny anything if she came to me asking questions.

#11 Apr 24 - 9PM (Reply to #8)

destiny (not verified)

woundedsoul

Your Story sounds ohhhh so familar to my Narc...I was in a triangle of sorts too and also on a small networking site. What you say it true..they will tell us the OW is a stalker and crazy etc..once they start acting odd towards narc. I found out even though Narc was telling some how wonderful I was ...he was tell the they multiple OW that they couldnt be open about their relationships because I was unstable and a stalker and he feared me. He would ask me to join groups on that networking site an the OW told me that after I joined he would tell them that they had to watch what they posted that I was following him around(i found this out after our final breakup when I emailed the OW) My Narc was quite angry when he thought I had joined OW and was smearing him like she had(neither of us were doing that at all).. but he was furious.. and raged. If the Xgf is really an X- I would send her an email and see if she wants to talk.. but be cautious..with Narcs you never know when an X will turn back into a 'friend' of the Narc. For me I knew that the OW i spoke to would never talk with him again. Plus we only shared things that he did to us that were similar. Like both of us having a V-day date with him...me in real life her on the phone... I never shared too much personal stuff. â€œIt's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.â€

#12 Apr 26 - 3PM (Reply to #9)

seeingthelight

the lengths they go to

I've discussed this with some friends and they have had mixed opinions, I think the difficulty is the exgf works at the same place we all do although be it in different buildings. I really wouldn't put it past him to have contacted her and played the 'victim' card and talk about what a hard time he was having getting over our break up blah blah. She was always a very reliable N source and of course there is a very strong possibility that she would fall for his crap again. I am trying to balance up the desire to expose this cruel individual and gaining some closure with trying to get on with my life. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to hear that many things about him yet, particularly as they are likely to be things from when we were together. Even this weekend we were both working and I had a 'heads up' from a friend that he was in the building, I just started to shake! It made me feel sick but then a part of me wanted to see him and have the strength to blank him and walk by with my head held high! Maybe I've already had enough truth about him, I know what he is and it still hurts, I'm not sure I need to deepen that wound anymore right now. I think maybe I need to wait, be patient and not try to run before I can walk.

#13 Apr 24 - 5PM (Reply to #4)

seeingthelight

I know what you mean, I have

I know what you mean, I have wondered if perhaps she's still wrapped up in him. I'm sure if she thought about it from the perspective where we are now she would realise but you can't rely on that totally. I think maybe I am just feeling hurt and want to share my new found clarity that he is without a doubt a narcissist but you can't force it. She has often talked to other people and to him (when he still told me about her contacting him before it was all in secret) that she hated what he had done to her and how hurt she was and the fact that she thought he was a liar and a cheat. I just don't think she would ever make that move to talk to me because she might be thinking the same, oh what if I don't feel that way etc. Just thought that by offering her the opportunity she can take it or leave it. If she decided to tell him about it then I guess she's not ready and I won't have lost anything anyway. I can still hold my head high knowing that I have tried to be a good person and help someone else out. Not sure yet, going to think about it a bit more I think...... PS, that's exactly what my ex did too, kept on saying it was me that had a problem, all the while playing us off against each other and having the 'back up plan' that you so rightly describe. How sad not to have genuine feelings for another human being.....

#14 Apr 24 - 5PM (Reply to #5)

woundedsoul36

reading about some other

reading about some other girls N's and how nasty they can get when feeling vengeful and how protective they are of their masks, I may just let sleeping dogs lye and slip out safely with my life.

#15 Apr 24 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

seeingthelight

Very true, something my

Very true, something my therapist said to me recently was it doesn't matter what you do they will always be willing to one step further, no matter what the stakes are. Good to know I think.

#16 Apr 24 - 10PM (Reply to #7)

Barbara (not verified)

mutual validation

if you can find a way to leave it opened ended... maybe contacting her would give you both closure? something like a letter or email: "hi... I'm XXXX and we both used to date NARC. It would be helpful for me, and hopefully both of us, to talk and validate each other's experiences with NARC. Here's my email and my phone number. I leave it up to you if you want to be in touch. All the best, you" ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

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