Six weeks and today is a BITCH

K, I'm really ready for the next stage . . .

Almost 6 weeks NC. And today hurts like hell.

6 weeks ago this weekend I saw pix of XN with NS on Facebook (I had him blocked but my "friend" who pulled up his account to show me didn't). 6 weeks ago I texted him out of anger to say I saw the pix, that I had indeed not "destroyed" him (as he'd been claiming), that how dare he make me feel guilty for him "not being able to move on" (since he clearly had) and then he spent 24 hours texting and emailing me, drawing me back in, saying "this thing is new, I don't know what it is, I miss you so much, everything reminds me of you, etc."

I caved for about 12 hours then I got what he was doing (fucker) and realized he was setting me up to be his supply on the side . . . my adventure into hell with him began as me being his girl on the side. NO THANK YOU. So I blocked him everywhere and went dark. And I've maintained NC for longer now than ever in the previous five years.

I have been working so hard! Reading and posting and talking to my therapist and journaling and praying and trying to process all of this crap . . .

And today just sucks. I miss my fantasy man. I'm tired. I'm emotionally drained. I'm pissed that I was so replaceable. I hate that I dated "down" -- he's so smarmy and such an 80s dork and dresses stupid, with advertising conference swag and bar t-shirts and Looney Toons shit on his shirts -- and yet I feel like he "won" and he's moved on and he's having the time of his life with NS while I am at home working on a Saturday night.

Yes indeed - I am having a pity party. I'm pouring wine for it as we speak. Pull up a chair, there's plenty of room. :)

Gaaaahhhhh. I have been mostly very, very determined for the past 6 weeks to work the steps and do what I need to in order to recover and get back to ME.

But honestly, ladies, tonight I'm just tired and pissed and worn out and hurting and frustrated. :( And I needed to vent here because I was thisclose to texting that asshole . . . and I'll be damned if I reach out to him in any way again.

Okay. Time for that wine.

-Juliette