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Slow Recovery - or starting to wallow?

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#1 Feb 26 - 10PM
Antonia
Antonia's picture

Slow Recovery - or starting to wallow?

Most of the time I feel quite good, somes days I actually think I've worked through it all and I'm out the other end finally. Then I have times like now, mainly when I have an alone weekend - my kids are with their dad - and I start to feel really sad.

I've been through an extensive stint of counselling - my therapist was wonderful, I was a wreck at the beginning after we were discarded, barely functioning when I first went to her, it was her that first mentioned the narcissism word and she helped me a great deal with her knowledge and wisdom. I was on anti depressants for 6 months, I have read so much about narcissism since then, read this board pretty much daily to keep myself informed on narcissism, that there was no hope for us to work, that I'm not the only person who has gone thru this and yet at times I'm really sad.

I'm 13 months out of the relationship and nearly 6months NC (apart from one small message from him for my birthday). I am starting to worry this sadness about that relationship being so disastrous, emotionally, financially is never going to really go away.

I know he has moved on he cannot be alone at all - ever, he would probably not be giving me and my kids a seconds thoughts, that should motivate me to do the same in myself towards him, yet it doesn't. I didn't want my life to be like this- alone in my 40's, I'm not good at being alone yet have had to learn to be I guess, and I don't want another man to just fill the void, I've tried dating and it didn't feel right so I decided to give myself at least another 6 months before trying again.

I watch a movie and there are couples in love and I get jealous then angry, then sad coz I thought I had that with him, I see my friends who are in happy relationships, I'm happy for them, but think what the hell is wrong with me that I just can't find what they have...then the other side of me says I have a good life, kids, friends, family, good job make that enough - however deep in my heart I wanted it all.. a nice man to come home to at the end of the day.

I don't like having self pity parties, but I am today.. it's a crappy day. I guess I'm just worried it is taking me longer to get over these feelings than most, so I thought I'd put it out there with you all to see. If I am slower in healing than I should be?

I'd really appreciate some of your opinions...

Feb 27 - 4PM
Antonia
Antonia's picture

Joined A gym

Yes, I thought exercising also would be a great idea, so I joined a gym on Friday, first time I have ever joined a gym. My other motive was it will get me out of the house when I am alone, get me working out, around people (even if I don't know them) and with luck it won't give me the opportunity to feel too alone. I find I isolate myself on weekends when my kids are away too, I have invites to places and decline most of them. That has to change also. My new years eve resolution was to work through things further and be 100% content on being on my own, the Madea post 'Let folks go' was a massive inspiration for that. Thanks all for your posts, I'm feeling better today, had a long sleep put some logical thoughts behind my emotional ones, I not fabulous yet..lol, but not as sad as yesterday. This recovery has been such an up and down process for me.. Ugghh...
Feb 27 - 12AM
Antonia
Antonia's picture

Thanks Barbara

thank you. Yes you're spot on that little txt he sent for my birthday which was only in the past week or so, has been upsetting to me. thanks for your words.. It helps.
Feb 27 - 12AM (Reply to #8)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Antonia

so you're back to square one with healing... no wonder you're feeling down! BLOCK HIM from phone text im email - change your number if you have to - let NOTHING get in the way of your healing. Especially contact. And get back to therapy. Even every other week. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 26 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Antonia

it's only been 6 months NC. And I'd bet less than that since that "little" contact on your birthday - which was psychologically triggering. I always say the gold standard is 18 months AFTER total NC. I really believe you should stay in therapy. Perhaps you need someone more geared towards trauma counseling. But you aren't wallowing... as long as you stay NC this is normal. Your hormones are resetting, your nervous system is trying to calm itself down... this is normal. I always tell women, rearrange the furniture, get new sheets, start using a new perfume, paint a room - anything so reminders of him are smaller and less frequent. Hang in there. ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 27 - 12AM (Reply to #2)
Nothanx
Nothanx's picture

Fridays suck!

I am the same on the weekends that my kids are at their Dads. Friday night is the worst for me because I am tired from a full, busy week, and I just want to relax. I get invited out but usually it just seems like too much effort to get ready. I miss being in a relationship on Friday nights because that is the day to just hang out at home in sweats, order take out, and rent a movie. It is just not the same since I have been single.
Feb 27 - 1AM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

nothanx

I had to do make-work projects for myself when things ended with exNH... aside from mothering my kids! I redid my bedroom... I painted... I saved up and got some nice bedsheets... I rearranged my room... I redid my living area... I started working on the girl's rooms... so nothing was like it was DURING the relationship. Book some time for yourself to get a massage... get your favorite take out and a movie... learn to like being alone with YOURSELF!!! it's very liberating and prevents relapses ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 27 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
Nothanx
Nothanx's picture

Barbara

I work 2 jobs 6days a week so I am definitely busy. I am starting to like being alone and look forward to it much of the time, but when it all slows down and I need to let my body relax on Fridays I just get kinda blue. You are right about the liberating feeling of solitude, but sometimes I just want to snuggle on the couch with my somebody. I recently moved into a house that has a clean slate. I let MY home go back to the bank because I just could not take the stress anymore. My first husband left me with the kids, the house, the animals, and a car on its last leg, and I just needed to let it go and get to a place that I can manage on my own. I think My new house is the catalyst that finally gave me the courage to kick my 2nd hubby/narc to the curb. I stayed with him and endured the abuse because I was so afraid to lose my house, but when it was gone I felt free and able to go it on my own. Wow, this turned into a longer post than I intended!
Feb 27 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
serene69
serene69's picture

Feeling blue

At times when I am feeling a bit down I try and say to myself, well in life, no-one ever feels happy all the time. Whether we are in the best relationship ever, we will have times we feel blue. Times then when we feel alone even if we have a supportive and loving partner. And also indeed, when I have ended relationships with other guys in the past (normal guys!) and it has ended amicably, I have had to adjust to this feeling of having no-one to snuggle up with. Though of course post N there are many other emotions floating around due to their horrendous behaviour. But I think once you can feel fine alone, then in fact you are more ready to meet someone again in the future, with more self-confidence. And also will be more aware of any red flags.
Feb 27 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
Nothanx
Nothanx's picture

Serene69

So true! In my 1st/only real marriage, I felt alone all the time. He is a good man, but life was sooooo boring and lonely. I would have stayed forever,but I think I did subconscious things to make him leave me...gained weight, made excuses to not have sex, etc... That is what attracted me to the Narc...of all the problems, being bored was not one of them! I get really worried that I will be single for the rest of my life (just like my Mom and Grandmother)almost like a self fulfilling prophecy! Ironically, the one thing that has helped is the thing that I have avoided like the plague for most of my life...exercise! My therapist (well...ex therapist, as my narc canceled my health insurance)told me, or rather, demanded that I take a walk every night. She had just been to a training thingy, and it was all about releasing negative toxins from your body. She told me that the only way to get rid of the harmful toxins left in your body from stress is to sweat them out. Now I do Yoga in the morning and I take a walk at night. I have even incorporated a little running into my walk (let me stress the "little" part). I now notice on the days when I don't exercise that I feel anxious.