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So lonely

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#1 Nov 23 - 3AM
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

So lonely

I live with my ki in middle of nowhere and bottom line is I feel so lonely and unloved.

I know I have to learn to give love to myself but am so wounded by acknowledging how few people have loved me.

Feeling sorry for myself. My friends partner has taken her to Rome and others are being treated to nights out.

In 14 year marriage I had few gifts and if I didn't arrange it we went nowhere. He even bought me a mug a few Christmases ago.

I just want to feel safe and loved and not alone with all the grown up scary responsibilities of house money kids etc etc.

When I feel like this I start blaming myself for marriage ending and thinking maybe he's not narc aft all and I've been crazy all along. Feeling very vulnerable.

I think the letter he sent a few days ago triggered all this

Nc

Nov 23 - 7PM
a65703
a65703's picture

I sympathize for you truly

I sympathize for you truly and for all the posters who feel this way - because I do too. Never after a breakup and I would assume doubly for a separation/divorce did I feel so alone and lonely. One moment, I feel fine and the next I feel like my world is crashing down on me. Easily feeling triggered for no reason, every reason and all the wrong reasons. Don't give up hope and positivity, keep on fighting, day by day. I must admit, it is very VERY hard to be around friends with significant others (i.e. boyfriends, fiances, husbands or whatnot) because it is a woman's nature to talk about them like a man talking about his job. That's why I like to spend my down moments alone not that I am jealous of anybody else's relationship, but it's just like I don't want to hear how great your boyfriend is, what you are giving him for christmas and when your anniversary is coming up!!!! Argh!!
Nov 23 - 8AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

These are all very common

These are all very common feelings to be having. Especially this time of the year.......know, that it won't always be this way. Take control of your situations, and make the best of them. It feels useless, I know, from where you are sitting, but trust me, it gets easier and the beauty of it is, it gets BETTER! Believe me, I have sat where you are sitting right now, and I remember all too well the pain, anquish, darkness.......but that is only TEMPORARY!!! Make some wonderful holiday memories of your own with your children. The secret is, being able to get out of your own way. Hang in there! It does get better, there are many here on the forum, that remain here, that know this to be true and remain to help others to find their way. You WILL find your way. I promise. :) Stay strong my friend!
Nov 23 - 2PM (Reply to #15)
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

Thank you sparrow. I started

Thank you sparrow. I started the day sobbing and tempted to contact him. Tonight I feel calm. Had a great day teaching lovely people. I have learnt not to contact him .....no matter what. I will not forget this lesson.....no matter what
Nov 23 - 2PM (Reply to #16)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

So glad to hear it! You are

So glad to hear it! You are going to do great! Just wait and see! :)
Nov 23 - 7AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Pick up the pieces and do

Pick up the pieces and do what you want.. Save your pennies and when you're ready book that trip to Rome.. If you need a chaperone.. I love Rome !!! :) My point live life and not thru him but on your own for you. Hunter
Nov 23 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

Hunter you're on....Rome here

Hunter you're on....Rome here we come.
Nov 23 - 2PM (Reply to #13)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Yippie.. I love Rome

Yippie.. I love Rome
Nov 23 - 7AM
Layla
Layla's picture

I can relate to this.

While I am so glad he is gone and so grateful I finally got rid of him, now I am coming up on 6 months NC, and the anger is subsiding, although I still have bouts of anger, and a grief has relaced it but not a grief "for him", I can't put into words exactly but those here that have gone before us know what I am talking about. Now I am left with "me" and all the things about myself that need to be worked on, to which I "am" working on them, it just does not happen overnight. I see you were married for 14 years. I was married to and with my abuser for 8 years, so I get that being with them a long time, part of the grief is just we invested so many years, and all of our being with these disordered people. Being abused and brainwashed, and all the crazymaking the entire time really throws us for a loop. We'll get to where we need to be emotionally. Let's keep reading, and contributing on this site, and maintain our NC (I know you have children, so you will have MC- understandable).... I would like to know how the Mods, or those who have longer than 9 months NC have dealt with grief stage encountered after anger and rage has subsided. ? love~ Layla
Nov 23 - 2PM (Reply to #10)
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

Thanks Layla. I guess we just

Thanks Layla. I guess we just keep going, trying to believe that even the longest day must have a Dawn
Nov 23 - 8AM (Reply to #7)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Layla

Oh I'm still angry .. 20 yrs of back and forth .. it's not just going to go away that fast if ever.. But he will never hear a peep from me again..and he does resurface .. I'm not taking the bait.. Bye Bye.. Dog Whisperer..I hope life bites you right smack in the ass.. Hunter
Nov 23 - 8AM (Reply to #8)
Layla
Layla's picture

EVERY time you refer to him as "Dog Whisperer"......

I laugh.....so funny! Am I the only one working today??? I am in an office building with hardly anyone in it, and there were hardly any cars on the roads........I am such an idiot, I should of taken the day off! I know, I am "off topic", but still! ; ) love~ Layla
Nov 23 - 8AM (Reply to #9)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Layla

I'm off to the office myself.. Ill pm you my work email and we can email back and forth today.. I'll even send you the Dog Whisperers Web site .. You 'll laugh your ass off..
Nov 23 - 3AM
freaked
freaked's picture

jelickuk

i am sending you this hug to say you are loved by this sister of yours who also lives in a solitude, has never been loved by anybody, never got gifts, never was valued. we are in the same kind of boat. I read your posts and follow them because we seem to have many similarities. Writing this because i want reach out to you.
Nov 23 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

Thank you darling freaked.

Thank you darling freaked. This site is such a fellowship. Our pain calls us to each other....and we find a family...one we choose. Thinking of you
Nov 23 - 4AM (Reply to #2)
Swan
Swan's picture

jelickuk

I feel the same way. Staring another holiday in the face and I will be all alone. Feeling unloved and unloveable just like my Narc used to tell me I was. Look around...there is evidence of that truth screaming in my face. Thought I just made a new friend, turned out to be a controlling, self absorbed, unempathatic Narc. I have no faith left in humanity. Where are all the honest, compassionate, decent human beings in the real world? ~I know there are many here :-)
Nov 23 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Swan, don't let a few "bad

Swan, don't let a few "bad apples" spoil the whole bunch. You know better than to say that......I know you do. Keep in mind, that what you are feeling is multiplied during the holidays, for everyone, and you will get past this too. We have been mistreated, devalued, discarded, some even abused physically. This takes a long time to get over, and it takes a lot of hard work and effort. I see you making the effort, and I see you getting to the point where you have faith once again. You have been beaten down by so many significant people in your life. Now, you must turn it around and declare them INSIGNIFICANT. Don't allow them to be significant to you any more. Like Hermes said, there are many good people in the world, not just here on the forum. You will find them.......I personally, think you did great with the new person you met. You were able to see him for what he was, 6 months agao, you probably wouldn't have. My point is.......you are getting better every single day. Be proud of yourself. You have so much to offer the world, we talked about that. Take pride in all that you give to people that really matter, each and every day. The rest will come..........in time. :)
Nov 23 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
Hermes
Hermes's picture

Swan

You say: "I have no faith left in humanity. Where are all the honest, compassionate, decent human beings in the real world?" Well, Swan, if they are on here then they are out there in 3D too. Surprisingly, most people are decent and compassionate. Post-N I was warmly surprised and touched by the kindness of not just immediate acquaintances and friends, but by the kindness of strangers. Often in just small ways, which meant a lot to me while in a fragile state. Very often they are to be found where you least expect. Hermes