So Lost's story

We met 2.5 years ago through match.com. I had initially looked at his profile and saw what he was looking for was someone athletic or slim/slender. Well being that I am about 40 pounds overweight I skipped right past his profile after seeing that. No reason to bother. And really kept no memory of even seeing his profile. A few days later I get an email from him asking “do you keep looking at my profile and not saying anything?” I replied No, why? Turns out his profile counter had gone up several clicks and I was the last one with a registered profile that looked at his page. So he thought I just kept looking at his page over and over. It’s comical looking back now, all the N signs that I had no idea what they were at the time. He was already so full of himself thinking that he was so hot that I would just keep looking at his page over and over lol. That email he sent me though started a brief back and forth conversation between us. Asking how the dating was going, blah blah blah. We eventually exchanged phone numbers and started texting once in a while, not much at all. Maybe once a week. Our texts were enjoyable though. Lighthearted and funny. I thought we shared similar personality traits. Months went by like this before one day we decided to actually meet. We were discussing where to meet (through text) and I suggested just a local sports bar near by. He said that’s not his thing and wanted me to just come over to his place. I said, um no. I don’t really know you and I’m not going to just come over to your place without knowing you. He said that was just “my friends” in my head filling me with ideas of psycho killers. Lol I said no, that is my common sense. He went on to say how he would have candles and music and yada yada and said how I must have never been with an “artist” before. I knew he worked on some music projects, but found he seemed pretty full of himself in the way he referred to himself as an “artist”. Already kind of putting himself above me. But Lord knows I didn’t know then ALL that I know now.

We ended up meeting at a little restaurant bar. I did NOT find him stunningly attractive by any means. Not really my type, little too skinny. But he was actually kind of quiet, which was nice to me. I took his quietness as a sign that he was not like the typical loud mouth kind of jerks you run into a lot. We talked at the bar for a couple hours. Then after finishing a bottle and a half of wine together he suggested again about me coming to his place, I agreed. I know ladies – this probably seems like a bad move, but I felt a trust with him. I was going with my instincts and I was enjoying my time with him and wasn’t really even looking at it as a date with him, but more like a friend that I was getting to know better, after we had been communicating already for months through email/text. So I went to his place. Continued to have a nice time. Stayed up til 4am just talking. That’s it. No moves made. I wasn’t feeling romantically drawn to him, I don’t think he was to me either. Just talking and I walked away from that night thinking, how great, I think I met a really good new friend.

A few months went by and we met off and on. He would tell me A LOT about his girl troubles. He was completely infatuated in love with an 18 year old (he is 38 btw) thought she was his “soulmate”. At first this really put me on guard, I backed away from him somewhat after him telling me that. But I also am very much not a judgmental person. I believe in love and there was a part of me that thought, well, it’s not conventional, but perhaps, she is of legal age and maybe?? Well I don’t know. He did tell me he asked her at some point if she thought of them being together and she said no. lol. But he continued to be obsessed with her and still is very much, years later. He also told me all about his ex’s. Most of which were never full relationships, just FWB’s. There was a recent post on this board that I read that really hit home with me. All this stuff he was telling me about his ex’s and how horrible they all were and EVERY SINGLE one of them cheated on him, he was prepping me for what I eventually tried to be for him. Not jealous, give him space, not be insecure in anyway, not be in his space too much, not care about his interactions with other girls, not need ANYTHING from him ever. He was letting me know a long time before we got involved exactly what his perfect woman was going to, so when we did eventually get involved, I tried to be every one of those things for him.

A few months after our initial meeting, I had to move apartments and I ended up getting an apartment about a mile away from him. He was not a consideration at all in me picking that apartment. It just turned out to be the best place for me, price, close to work, etc… Up to this point, anytime he saw me, it was one on one. One time he met a girlfriend of mine out, but he never saw me around another guy. Well shortly after I moved closed to him, one night I took a guy friend of mine with me to see xN play at an open mic. xN was very very different with me that night. I realize now that it was his possessiveness kicking in by seeing me with another man. xN was very flirty with me and it was kind of throwing me off because up to that point I thought we were just friends. We all left the open mic together that night. I figured xN was going home and I was headed to drop off my friend and go home myself. Well, when I arrived home, xN was sitting outside my door? I said what are you doing here? He said he wanted to spend more alone time with me. I was feeling confused by this combined with the flirtiness I was feeling from him earlier that night, but I was also a little excited about it, thinking, we have been pretty good friends up to this point, maybe if this were to turn romantic that would be good? We go inside and nothing actually happens. We layed on my couch together in the dark, just laying there for a while and that was it. It’s these kind of odd sorts of things that started really drawing me in closer to him. At every turn, where you would expect a typical guy move, he threw something different at me, and I was getting completely drawn in by his kind of “weirdness” I guess you could say.

After that we started spending TONS of time together. He was over at my place every other night, watching movies, playing games, him playing his guitar. Keeping things in friends mode, but there started to be a strong romantic/sexual tension building. He would talk and talk and talk and talk and talk about him and cry alot too about all of the problems he has had in his life up til now. My sympathy was in full force and I felt so bad for him. The care taker in me was stepping up and started giving and giving to him in tons of ways. Cooking meals, for him , bringing breakfast to him at his work, listening to him for hours on the phone at night (when I really should have been sleeping). All the time we were spending together and all of conversations revolved around him, and what we did revolved around things he enjoyed, but I was still having fun with it all. I can see this stuff looking back, how it ALWAYS was ALL about him, but I guess he was fulfilling something in me where I was feeling good that I could be there for him. I gave and gave and gave some more. Money, time, energy and he just kept taking. I felt our friendship had become really deep and we enjoyed our time together so much, and with the romantic feelings starting to develop between us, I thought this is truly wonderful. It could turn into a relationship that was built on solid friendship first and be great.

Well, we attempted to have sex one night, that’s when first found out about his e.d. problem and again I remained understanding, no big deal. After that night though, he became “confused” he said he didn’t want to just be FWBs and perhaps we should be boyfriend/girlfriend. I told him I liked that idea. He went back and forth for almost 2 months, trying to decide whether or not to be in a relationship with me. Total control after I expressed I would like a relationship with him. But I still looked at it with patience and understanding that he was just trying to figure things out. Well, one day he said he decided he did NOT want to be in a relationship with me. That very same night he changed his mind and said he decided he DID want to be in a relationship with me. Oh joy! I thought, happily ever after, yeah right!!!! I would like to add, this came almost immediately after one of his friends expressed that he liked me and would like to date me. Being that I was an “object” to N and Ns don’t want to share their toys, even the ones they aren’t very interested in, he had to claim me for himself. I honestly believe if his friend never expressed interest in me, N never would have said lets be in a relationship….

Nearly immediately after we made it official, he changed. No more sweet guy that had become my friend. After months and months of spending tons of time together (that he was willing and wanting to do ) suddenly spending any time with me was a chore and why couldn’t I just give him some space? I knew going into it he was kind of a flirty person with other women. I was willing to accept he was kind of flirty. I had NO IDEA the extent of what this meant. After being in the relationship, I came to find out he would send very explicit sexual texts back and forth with other girls. He would web cam with a girl “friend” that he had. He would masturbate and she would masturbate watching each other while chatting online. He belongs to a porn site called Streamate where you log on and watch girls perform live and you tell them what you want them to do for you, and he would turn the webcam on himself so they could watch him jack off at the same time. Even deeper into the relationship I found out on this streamate site, he actually preferred interacting with shemales and sometimes gay men, then just women. Shemales were his preference. He was on this site AT LEAST once a day, usually more.

He D&Ded me more times than I could count. Each time I was devastated. As you all know how this works, in between all this horrible stuff that was going on and these things I would come to find out, there were very good moments. Moments where I thought I felt love between us. Moments that felt real and good and wonderful. I lived for those moments, where I felt like I had my old friend back. I also have a 4 year old son. My son adored him. N was never mean to him, but N let me know that he always saw it as a chore to spend any time with my son. That would devastate me. As much as my son loved him. I wanted us to all be happy together. And it would leave me conflicted, I am so incredibly embarassed to say. There were times because I knew how much my son annoyed him, that I would think to myself, I wish my son wasn’t here right now, cause N would be happier and then him being happy would make me happy too. I’m so embarrassed I ever thought to have my son be away from me.

N put me down at every possible chance…

My weight, my overall looks, the fact that I had a child, that I wasn’t a musician, my financial situation (I struggle), I don’t have as strong a drive (aka narcissistic drive) to succeed like he does, etc…

I constantly had to hear about being with me and my son is not what he “envisioned” for himself. I had to hear about how hot this girl and that girl and every other girl in the world was, other than me. It would be like ripping his arm off to get him to give me a compliment. I couldn’t have a voice about anything. To tell him something hurt me, his only response was that it wasn’t working and he would leave. So I either had to suck it up, or lose him, and I just kept clinging to him, hoping it would get better. I tried to love him and give him EVERYTHING he wanted. Space, I didn’t bitch about the porn, I didn’t ask him to be involved with my son, I kept on making meals and bringing him breakfast and giving him tangible things. Showing him my love in every possible way. I would compliment his music like crazy. ONE time and ONE time only in the beginning I mentioned I didn’t really like something he created, he didn’t talk to me the rest of the day. I learned from then on to ALWAYS say how fantastically great it is, even if it was a load of shit.

His mood swings were crazy. Nice and warm one minute, cold and heartless the next. Me always trying to figure out what I had done wrong. He would even tell me when he was getting closer to another girl and that was some of the reason why he would start being cold to me and that I just had to understand that was just him and if I really loved him then I would accept him for him

He would push me away, I would be devastated, but the minute he saw I was starting to stand on my own again, he would come back and tell me how amazing I was and how much I meant to him and he doesn’t love anyone else and we should be together blah blah blah and I was always so happy to hear that.

We started renting a house together at one point, part way thought he DDed me and I went and rented an apt on my own after 3 DAYS, he BEGGED me to come back and he had changed blah blah. I did. A financial mess getting out of the lease I just signed.

He told me how he fantasized about being with other girls when we had sex (girls that I knew). In fact, he RARELY wanted to have sex, rejected me all the time, no surprise I guess, he was so worn out from all the other sexual activities he had going on. I found out he was still on a dating site and he just blew it off saying, oh I just haven’t bothered to take down my profile.

After he DDed me again and we moved out of the house we were in together, it still went back and forth between us. One day I told him I was going on a date with someone else (this was my first date with someone else since we had been together) he flipped and begged me to please not go and to come over to his place. I cancelled my date and when I got to his place he told me I am “the one” the one he wants to be with forever and he said all these things of his are “sicknesses” and that he wanted me to come to therapy with him (he has been in therapy for 5 YEARS for other reasons) and wanted me to help him be honest with the therapist (He knows he is a narcissist and his therapist (I later found out) has agreed he is a narcissist. He said he wants to work on letting go of these things and he is sick and begged me to see him as a sick individual and to please be by his side. I cried and told him how it is so incredibly hard to trust him after everything he has put me through and he said he understood but to PLEASE trust him because he really really means everything he is saying. I said OK. In the days that followed he was sweet as can be. Every other text was “hi beautiful” and just as sweet and kind as could be. The day was getting closer for us to go to our first therapy session together and he started having doubts. I talked him through it and we did go to a (one and only) session together. The therapist (this has been his therapist for 5 years, first time I ever met her) She went into him hard. Knowing him, I already knew this wouldn’t be good because he is so sensitive he was going to feel attacked, and he did. She told him this behavior HAS to stop with these other girls and told him all these things that he is doing has to change to have a healthy relationship. We walked away from there with him saying because she is a WOMAN she just doesn’t understand and after 5 years he is not going to go back to her ever again because she doesn’t understand men. It went downhill from there and within a few days he told me he didn’t have a desire to let go of his narcissistic traits, that is just who he is, and that it wasn’t going to work. That particular time hit me really really hard because of all the promises he has JUST made to me.

After that we even got back together, one last time, I know I guess I am looking for punishment. Well, as it was nearing the holidays, I was talking about looking at Christmas lights and making cookies with my son. That same night he broke up with me again – the best reason ever – because I like to make cookies. Because I like to make cookies, it wasn’t going to work. That represented too much “domestic” too him and he didn’t want a woman like that. Ummmmm ok?? I said to him, well, I’m not asking you to make the cookies with me? If I like making them and you like eating a cookie once in a while I don’t exactly see the problem? LOL But he said it’s what it represented. OK lol

We stayed in contact after that and were still even romantic together up until just a few days before this Christmas we had a huge fight. I started feeling stronger and stronger and KNOWING that I had to be done with this situation and move away from all of this for good. It was so hard though. Part of me KNEW for forward movement in my life and for my SANITY I had to get away from him. But I still had this incredible draw to him. I kept trying to tell N we could just be friends. N said “maybe in time” STILL trying to control everything. Truth is, if I am not everything he wants me to be, including committed to him, while he is not committed to me, then he has no interest in being friends with me.

He would use the fact that he was almost always honest with me against me. And it is true. He was honest with me about so much, the other girls, porn, his feelings about me and how I looked, my son, all of it, but he also kept saying this is him and if I loved him for him then I had to accept this stuff too. It left me a complete mess and questioning so much in regards to love. It's like I read in a posting the other day about understanding the rabid dog. That is how I felt. I felt like I had so much compassion and understanding for this rabid dog, even though he bit me every time. And I knew he would keep biting me, but my "understanding" of why he was acting this way (he had opened up alot to me about his underlying insecurities) my understanding kept me there, continuously getting bit, but feeling bad to walk away from someone who was deeply wounded and who I had come to love so much.

We emailed back and forth over the past month arguing and blaming, and the last straw was when one night my son was asking for him repeatedly. He missed him and kept asking when he could see N again. I emailed N and told him my son is asking for him over and over. I asked him what his intentions were, to stay friends or if I should be preparing my son to not see him anymore. It broke my heart to see my baby missing this guy, I needed to know what Ns intentions were. He replied “I don’t know how you should handle it, I’ll leave that up to you” I was so enraged. Here is a 4 year old missing him, crying for him, and in true N fashion he just throws his hands up at it and says, you handle it. I swore I was going NO CONTACT right then in there, for my son’s sake if not for my own.

It has been one week and I so far have stuck to NO CONTACT. xN text on my son’s birthday last week. Wishing him a happy birthday. I didn’t respond. Later that day he text me and said “So, do you not want to talk to me anymore?” I didn’t respond. I haven’t heard anything since. But it is still so so hard. I have an appt with a psychiatrist on Tuesday. I experience horrible anxiety and am definitely depressed. I have never been one for drugs, but definitely know I need to even myself out. I have crazy highs and lows now. I have been to a few therapists off and on through all of this, but have yet to meet ONE that understands this narcissism stuff. I’m still trying to find the right one though and am very much looking forward to seeing the psychiatrist on Tuesday. This board has been an incredible help to me. So all I can say is thank you all so much.

I am worried that I will not be able to maintain no contact. I miss him so much. I really have no idea why. I just really really miss him. He is the first thing I wake up thinking about and the last thing I think about before bed and I think about him about 1000 times during the day. I am incredibly depressed and have been for a long time since being involved with him. My self worth is in the toilet and I very much believe I have PTSD. Will have psych and new therapist help figure that out. I just want to stay strong and keep moving forward, I just hope I can. I keep wondering when or if I will hear from him again. Part of me praying to never hear from him again, and part of me hoping that I do hear from him again soon.

Thank you for reading