Staying friends.

But thinking about friendship, would we really want to hear about their happiness, their happy OW, how great they are doing, while all the time thinking about how they hurt us. Out of weakness I called my exN, breaking 2 weeks of good no contact where I was starting to feel calmer, and we were making small talk and he asked how my work was, and as I was talking I heard him typing on his computer. It brought back so many memories of him acting distracted every time the conversation turned away from him. It made me feel hollow inside and rushed to finish my little update about work so that he could go back to talking about himself. We all deserve so much better than token love and token friendship!

If they don't respect you and your boundaries in a relationship, they won't respect you in a friendship. They respect no one, not even themselves.

yep - mine pulled the same trick. Wanted us to remain friends. Then I grew angry & thought: first of all, he stood before God, friends & family professing to love me forever & be my husband til death do us part. he lied, exploited, and cheated on me. He jeapordized our security & future with his carlessness, gambling & illegal activity. He cut me down with his "joking" remarks. He betrayed me also by talking shit about me behind my back. Would I tolerate this from any other person & consider them my friend. Hell no!!!

I thought I could be friends with the N, since that's how we started out. I had no idea that he never intended to be "just friends" from the start. For me, it was never meant to go beyond that. I simply didn't think of him in that way. But he was very covert, and very persistent. Well, N just used the friend card as an opportunity to flirt with me. He wanted to keep those ideas floating around in my head, about him. He wanted me to doubt myself. He wanted me to start questioning my own marriage. We couldn't be friends, because he started to relentlessly flirt with me, even after I told him to stop, and he agreed it was a bad idea! Then he'd act as though I were the lovesick one, who couldn't handle being only friends. Yet he was the one coming onto me. So, huh? Long story short, you can't be friends with your exN. They never want to be just friends. To them, we exist to be self esteem bumpers, and that's it. Friendship, to them, means a once a month text. Friendship to an N, means he is going to test his desirability out on you, again and again. Then N has no need for you. Until he's having another down day, and guess who he runs to? NC = I am not your trophy to wave around, and put on the shelf when you're done. That's no friendship. No, N's can't be friends with us. It's not their intention. It will always lead to more lies and confusion.

Hiya maggster, I was naive enough a few years ago to believe that after my N & I broke up we could be friends. Looking back I made that decision hoping that he would change & eventually want to be w/ me again & we'd live happily ever after. So not the case! Eventually, he wormed his way back into my life, used me to gain attention and unconditional love (which I was all too willing to give), as well as a place to love for a bit, someone to go out w/...cleaner, laundry washer, cook, w/ a little action on the side whenever he felt like it. It was still all a/b him & what he could gain out of a 'friendship' w/ me. Honestly, the friendship took on the tone of a relationship & it left me just as confused & broken. So my advice to you is to steer clear, you'll only end up hurt again. N's will simply use you as supply & you will suffer from a relationship w/ him, no matter what form it takes & he will mess w/ your head. Stay strong xx

there is NO, repeat NO way, you can stay friends with a narc, it doesn't work, other normal [people yeas and i am still friends with my exhusband, but he is NORMAL................they will just use and abuse you some more, beside since he is married, do you not deserve a man of your OWN................he is getting his cake and eating it too, he must be on cloud 9, i would be.

Absolutely...might as well call it...."leaving door open for Narc to abuse me again" tactic. You can't be friends with this guy..you can be "beck and call" girl, you can be "put on shelf till I need you" girl, you can be the "convenient unpaid prostitute" girl...you get the picture. Narcs don't really have friends, they have supply. You really deserve better Maggster than to be treated like a car or a sofa or a toaster..kept around until your use is done and then thrown out as if nothing mattered. Your worth is not determined by this disodered man. Take it back....break free!

Staying "friends" with a narc equates to letting them use you for supply. That's how they see all people. You will be no exception. Being "friends" with a narc is a one-sided relationship. They (and only they) get supply at your expense. We are nothing more than a toaster to the narc. They'll keep you around as long as you make their toast EXACTLY how they wish. However, when you no longer serve that function up to their unreasonable expectations (in their mind), the narc will throw you onto the trash heap and walk away without a backward glance. Meanwhile, he's already got another toaster for the future. When that one starts burning his toast, she will end up on the trash heap just like you. Narcs never change. In his world, "friend" merely equals "supply". Make a list of how the narc treated you, and then make a list of traits you use to define a true "friend". I'm sure you'll find (just like I did after 16 years with xnh) that virtually none of the abuse you've suffered at the narc's hands is on your list of traits for "friend". In my case, my "friends" do not slam me into walls, tell me they wished I'd go ahead and die, cheat and infect me with sexually transmitted diseases, and they do not refer to me as "you f*cking c*nt, bitch, or any other demeaning names. Xnh did all of these. He is/was NOT my friend. Why would you want someone that is not truly your friend anywhere in your life? I certainly don't. We all deserve real friends that do not use/abuse us. To quote Oprah Winfrey, "Love does not hurt." She's absolutely correct. If the behavior hurts, it is NOT love. Period. These narcs have hurt us (repeatedly). They're NOT our friends (and never will be). Thus, NC. If you want to heal and move on with your life, NC is essential. You need space away from the narc so that you can heal, and ANY contact with a narc (positive or negative) is supply to them. NC provides the ability to focus on yourself and your recovery. The narc has no place in a healthy future. They are toxic, and only use/harm people for their own supply. Narcs are parasites. To the narc, "It's All About Him" (in his little twisted narc mind). You are absolutely correct, being "friends" with the narc is just another common ploy for them. You deserve so much better than that. Hugs.

My ex walked out of my life with no warning or explanation. On the few occasions he actually returned my phone calls (each time several days after I called and left the message), he insisted nothing was wrong and we were "still friends." Never mind that he stopped calling, dodged my calls and my attempts to get together, and eventually disappeared for good. I never understood it, as he still maintains friendships with many of his exes - of which I was now apparently one - and many of his friends are women. Why was he suddenly calling me a "friend" when a) we had been SLEEPING TOGETHER for months, b) he clearly wasn't doing much to ACT like a friend, after he'd done so many nice things for me when we were together? I only recently had the epiphany that not only was his "we're still friends" line his way of taking the coward's way out of the relationship, but it was also a clever ploy to keep me still thinking well of him and thus leaving the door open for him to come waltzing back into my life whenever he felt like it (not to mention the fact that it bothers the hell out of him when he thinks someone doesn't like him - he NEEDS everyone to like him). By telling me we were still friends, he would - in his mind - leave with no hard feelings, and by staying away for awhile, he'd be that much more well received by me when he came back; I'd be missing him so much and be so thrilled that he was finally acting like a friend that I'd let him get away with murder so as to keep him from leaving again. My hunch is that this is exactly how he worked it with all the exes and woman "friends" in his life, and that's why so many of them still proclaim to love him and think he's so wonderful. As far as he was concerned, there was no reason it wouldn't work on me, too. The jackass probably didn't figure on ME cutting HIM out of MY life with no warning. It makes me smile inside every time I picture his reaction upon discovering he'd been kicked out of it without his knowledge. :-)

What could they possibly give to someone as a friend? They provided nothing but pain during the relationship. We were on the receiving end of pathological lying/manipulation/cruelty/gaslighting/projection/triangulation/infidelity, and in some cases physical assault - abuse of every kind. We lost our self-respect and gave our lives and happiness to a monster who took us on a rollercoaster ride to hell - who would let this appalling excuse for a human being remain as a friend? They want 'friendship' of course - purely for supply as/when they require it - attention/admiration/ego boost. I know we're friends but could you make dinner and then let's have sex before I return to all the OW. Sorry Maggster - friends just tells them everything they did was acceptable because here I am now willing to take even less than the nothing I had whilst still providing everything I did before. NC is the only way to recover, heal, and move forward to freedom.

Contact = Pain.. NC means no friendship.. StayIng friends leaves an open door for supply and manipulation.. Hunter

Hi I can only talk from my experience but yes I'd say its just a ploy to still be involved with you and try have some control over you... One thing I'm learning in the short time I've been a member here is that any supply be it negative of positive is supply ... It had never occurred to me why they would want the negative stuff but Its just contact from you they want. Mine said very recently that he " just hoped that this time we could build some bridges and be friends " and I replied ( yes stupid I know) " well that shows how deluded you really are" felt good at the time so break contact and do it for you! I read on here someone wrote TODAY I CHOOSE ME and it's a great mantra! Xx

He wants to keep you on the "back burner" you are a good source of supply and he doesn't want to lose it. You cannot just be friends with people like these, not good for you at all. All you will be is a booty call when he needs one if he can't get it somewhere else. Block him and don't read the emails.