Stormy waves again

Hy everyone, I`m writing here again because I had some crazy nights since I found out the ex N is in town again..usually, I got triggered if I listened to music, but now it seems that it`s not even necessary. Everywhere I`d go, or if I`d do a certain activity, I have moments with long obsessive thoughts..and emotional longing. Even if I absolutely know what the ugly truth is.

I have these cravings and emotional longings, my soul is aching. My whole being is aching, like after my own personal brand of heroine. It`s like, I know it`s the final rounds..when I`m on the verge of finnaly making steps, to let him go. But I have a part of me that still wants him so badly, aches for closure and God knows what else! It is as if, some undiscovered pain is coming now from the depths of me, in waves again and so clearly. I started crying, and I almost couldn`t stop..I feel kind of drained phisically.

For two weeks or so, I`ve been called by numerous phone numbers I didn`t know, could have been some new guys I`ve met, but it also could have been him, not dialing from his own number. I think I feel guilty for not answering, and the pressure is so much harder now. I didn`t answer to any of them.

As hard as it is, I know, I know I must push on into my healing. I must..I do yet have moments when I feel very drained, and wondering if these obsessive thinking, and pain is going to stop someday. It`s like a slow death, but lately I`ve been wondering, how would I die faster? Being with him for few "glorious" moments, then receinving the punches, and watching him slip away again ( and me probably in an emotional coma, if I`m lucky ) OR longing to hold him, missing the beautiful lie, The Great Pretender..this pressure is getting me confused X.x

I pray this period will pass, and I will do some nice things for me this summer, even small stuff, like a walk in the park or working out. Just having some low days I guess, but hope things will get back on track as soon as possible.