SUCH DESPAIR TODAY

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#1 Nov 30 - 11AM

Anonymous (not verified)

SUCH DESPAIR TODAY

I probably shouldnt be writing a forum topic when I am this emotional, I lost my job in June, my husband and I are trying to save our marriage, while trying to put behind me the damage of Mr Con Man, I broke down today and told my husband you are better without me, I am no good to you or anyone, I am a broken person. I want to just live by myself for the rest of my life so NOBODY CAN EVER HURT ME AGAIN. My husband looked into my puffy eyes and said, I WILL NEVER HURT YOU, and I DONT WANT THAT KIND OF LIFE FOR YOU, TO LIVE ALONE, YOUR PARENTS WOULD NOT WANT THAT KIND OF LIFE FOR YOU EITHER. He is aware what happened to me (but I didnt get into the sick details) he was understanding all he could say about my predator was he is sick and not right, the wires and circuits will never be right, you were at the wrong place at the wrong time and you were violated by this sick person and I dont blame you for being a victim anymore that I can blame a woman that is raped. I know why this happened, you were wanting to be loved, the love you have not felt from me for years and years in our marriage, and he said that is MY FAULT for making you feel you were so unworthy, but the truth is he told me, I would die without you, I am dying right now inside from what has happened to you, my once loving caring giving wife who is no just an empty shell, a zombie that wont let me in, that wont let me love her like I want to, pushes me away when I even go to kiss her, Then he said something amazing, he said, LET ME HELP YOU get on with OUR live together. What can I DO SO WE DONT LOSE EACH OTHER AND ALL THE YEARS WE HAVE SHARED. we cant throw it all away over a sociopath, that would be a very sad ending to us and you. After my husband said all that, I told him I would try to let him in but there was so much damage done to me its going to take alot of love and patience on your part. While we are connected and in the world of these sociopaths and being brainwashed we have no clue what is being done to us, its not until we step out of the illusion that we step back and see the damage that we had done to us, crying hysterically I looked at my husband and said do YOU want to see another man screw me? Do I look like just a whore to you? He COULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH, he said THAT IS SICK, why in the hell would you think you are a whore? You are nothing but a classy, beautiful, woman inside and out, this sick disordered man could never ever have a woman of your caliber you are way out of his league, men like that want to bring women of your stature DOWN to their sick level. Today I went back in time to what I was before this creature entered my life, I closed my eyes and focused on what I was and who I was, a good mother, a good wife, a good daughter, I remember the innocence I once had and the trust and faith I had in people, I remember how a kitten or a puppy would make me feel warm inside, I remember what it felt like holding my father for the last time, and all that love I had inside me, now I can stand outside myself and see what I am today. He took everything from me and I cant find a way to get it back, the pain prevents me from moving forward, and I am TRYING, GOD KNOWS I AM TRYING. I walked away from him with my head held high, though all the filth, sexual degrading, lies, betrayal beyond belief, my family torn apart, my marriage torn apart, and myself torn apart, I still left proud of who I was, knowing I must leave this sick man to his own vices and the life he chooses to live. The victims are always left to this painful journey of realization and truth, we want to know all the WHY's even when we know what they are, we still try to make sense of it, and you never will, My predator will die never having the slightest clue of the destruction he did to my life, and all our lives, but again thats why they call them psychopaths.

#2 Dec 1 - 9AM

4joys4

cynthia

One of the many things we are left with after contact with a sick person like this, is shame. I hear it throughout your writing. You were vulnerable at a certain time in your marriage. Someone sick took advantage of that. For now, you must open up your hands every time you feel the shame and say "This is not mine". All this garbage is not yours, Cynthia. I know shame. Or let me say, I know unearned shame. I do this little exercise and it does help. Sometimes I notice my hands are clenched. I am tense. So I open my hands and release it back to it's source. Sometimes I open my hands and give it to God. Keep doing all the things for recovery. Keep that recovery toolbox handy. Write down your recovery tools and take them out as needed. With this, and time, you will be that person who was loving and open again. Only now, you will also have wisdom.

#3 Dec 1 - 8AM

baddream

Be easy on yourself

Cynthia, I have read so many of your words over the past few months and have felt your hurt deeply and known exactly what you are going through as in many ways your story parallels my own. I too, am married and was involved with a dangerous N who has brainwashed me. I have felt the same guilt and helplessness. On the one hand the narc used our "unavailability" (due to our marriage) to manipulate us---- as to say this is all I can give you, you deserve to have nothing more. Because of my situation, the N was able to make me feel like I deserved nothing more. On the other hand, we feel guilt about the affair and what we have done to our husband. Like if you play with fire, you get burned.... right? This is how I have felt. My own marriage was not a good one, and that is how the N came into my life, at first only as a friend. Over time things developed. I too, am still with my husband-- trying to make things better and trying to get the N out of my head. Please, you must start forgiving yourself. You got hooked by a dangerous man and a con man. We are dangerously obsessed with the N, and the experience we have lived through. I have found that if I try to live in the moment it can be a great relief. Try clearing your head for ten minutes, go for a walk and really look at what is around you. When I did this, I was amazed at what I saw and realized that the world has been going by, and I have not been living in it---- I've been preoccupied with my obsessive thoughts about N and what he did-- not really seeing or participating in life. Cynthia, there are bad days---- but as time passes there will be good days too. He was a sick, pathological person, but he is gone now. Don't let him take another day-- look around and try to replace your toxic thoughts with the things that are around you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Sometimes I feel crazy with my own and it helps to know we were victimized and these things were done to us by evil people. This is not a path we chose for ourselves. Big hugs.

#4 Nov 30 - 6PM

agnesmurphy17

He's not worth it

whoever this psychopath is. Don't destroy your self over this. Quietude made a wonderful comment. I agree with everything she says. And I laid up here with a broken metatarsal in my foot all alone. Sounds like maybe you're suffering not only from depression but also from "shame?" Feeling all bad inside yourself because you could not control the situation, or handle the situation - psychopath perfectly. Feeling all bad & worthless because you cooperated in being suckered by this psychopath, piece of crap? I don't know. I know I feel this way often. I have been so humbled by my N. And better & smarter people than I have been bamboozled by these guys. Anyhow, please, do not long for this jerk psychopath. He never saw you. Anything nice he said or did was calculated to elicit what he wanted from you. It was all about him. He may have made you feel happy & loved sometimes. But, really, you did that for yourself because he was just a phony. An abyss wearing a mask of sanity. Sounds like your husband there really loves you! All of you, even your mistakes. I'd go out & buy that man a nice present tomorrow. Or, bake him his favorite treat. Something. Give something to somebody who seems to be worth giving to. That might cheer you up just a little bit. I find even going to work & doing something for others can make me feel better. Not so alone. Keep us posted.

#5 Nov 30 - 6PM

quietude (not verified)

cynthia

I'm sorry it's such a rough time for you. I think you have to be true to yourself, whatever that means in the end is what is important. If that means trying to be on your own, or trying to work it out with your husband. I know it's hard to have a successful relationship, no matter how great the person is, if we ourselves are so torn up inside. He sounds like he's supportive and willing to work on it, but if he's sincere, he does not need to make guilt-ridden statements like he'd die without you. That just doesn't help. I must say, a feeling of envy came over me reading your post. I just had surgery, and I would have loved to have a partner there, the whole time to hold my hand and be a lot less scared. Sometimes guys come in handy for that sort of thing. ha My sister was there, but ya know...not the same. You're trying to recovery from some major brainwashing and trauma bonding, not easy! Give yourself permission to feel what you need to. You've been through a lot. Take good care.

#6 Nov 30 - 5PM

Monica

We have way too much in common, Cynthia.....

I logged on tonight, crying hysterically, having just taken a Xanax (which I have not touched in weeks), basically having just had a day very similar to yours. I feel terrible that you are having such a bad day but I am not ashamed to admit that I don't feel so lonely knowing someone out there knows exactly what I am going through. I fully believe that my xN knew what he was doing and set out to destroy me from the beginning. He has destroyed my ability to trust in anyone anymore, even myself. I believe no one, am suspicious of everyone and feel like nothing more than an empty shell and a woman who whored herself out to a sick, lying, evil being. And I try, too, each and every day, every minute of every day to put it all behind me and move forward and deal with my shame over having let him stay in my life for so long, over my weakness and my poor judgement. I know we were brainwashed. I know we were manipulated. I know they are pure evil. But I still feel so worthless and unworthy of anything good in my life. And, truth be told, I just feel plain stupid that I didn't see his con earlier on and put a stop to it right then and there! I am a smart, educated, mature woman who sees the good in everyone and treats everyone with respect and kindness. xN destroyed all of that. I can only hope that, as time passes, that I - no WE - can heal and find ourselves again and be WHOLE again. I hate being broken. I hate being constantly suspicious and questioning and paranoid. And I hate feeling ashamed all the time. I hope tomorrow - and the next day and the next day - are better for both of us.

#7 Nov 30 - 7PM (Reply to #5)

Ellen

Monica

hI, I believe and feel that too. It's reassuring to know that others out there understand this feeling of dealing with premeditation and evil. How did women cope with this alone (men too but less often). I could not get by without this forum. Lately i am suffering with pride which in itself is a move on cos i was so downtrodden before that i didn't even know how to feel pride. Now i am sad for my loss of dignity.

#8 Nov 30 - 8PM (Reply to #6)

cynthia (not verified)

ellen

I just wrote you a note under I FEEL SICK,

#9 Nov 30 - 12PM

Ellen

Cynthia

Hi Cynthia, Sorry you feel like this now but it sounds like you are getting those feelings out. I was looking for you story to see how you came to be with exN when you have a husband and how come you are with him now and working on it. i'm sure i read it before. As i was reading i was thinking how lucky you are cos i remember you saying that you had good parents. How you feel now as a result of a sociopath is very sad. For those of us whose parents weren't that great i was thinking of (as in my case with my dad) we have felt that feeling all our lives, the loss of dignity and self esteem. It literally defined who we became.........another battering board for another narc. What you have said just shows me the damage that is done. You truly feel it after having a different way shown to you to begin with. I will never be able to hold my dad when it is his time and feel love, if i was in that situation i would feel everything that he took from me and not gave to me. You are also lucky to have a husband who knew who you were before this experience. He can tell the difference in you. Don't give up on yourself, you have a lot to live for now. I don't have a family or nice man in my life. I have my kids and i don't appreciate them enough and some would say......well i haven't been able to have kids so you should appreciate them. I guess we all have different things. I'm not sure i'm making sense as i am having a bad day with denial and feelings wise.

#10 Nov 30 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

cynthia (not verified)

thank you Ellen and Girlfriend

Ellen you pointed out what I should appreciate and what I do have, I try to remember that every damn day, others have it sooo much worse that I do I know that, its sad I do have a husband that is reaching out to me, but I still feel so ALONE unable to give him what I know he deserves, and yet I didnt deserve what happened to me none of us did. Ya you can see the damage and what they do, its sad what he reduced me to and how I feel about myself and yet I know I am none of those things, it was the rejection I think. Girlfriend - thank you also you pointed out how very sick he was and how he took advantage of my situation, I think he knows the deep hurt he did, but will never be able to feel it, for if he did he wouldnt live his life the way he does. Just a damn bad day, hope I am not a hum bug for x mas, put on that smile and take one day at a time that is all any of can do, there are no miracle cures for this just time as you said to soften the pain

#11 Nov 30 - 11AM

The Girlfriend ...

Dear Cynthia

I am so sorry you are hurting this much today. I am sure your feelings are overwhelming at times. I hope you find comfort in the arms of your husband who does appear to love,forgive and understand the dynamics of the situation. I am glad you have him and hope that you two can save your marriage. Sometimes when overwhelmed with confusion and emotions it could help to find a distraction for a little bit (for the day or a few hours even)...perhaps a dinner and movie? Or just getting cozy with your husband and watching a good video. It may sound a bit trite to ridiculous to 'do something else' while you are feeling really bad, but taking a break from the situation and heavy emotions for at least a little bit might help you have a clearer perspective when you have to work through things. Hang in there! People care about you! ..in so far as the psychopath who preyed upon your vulnerability, manipulated and deceived you...he may not know all the damage he has done. But more than possibly, he DOES know...and either doesn't care...or enjoys being destructive. He is a VERY sick and heinous person. A souless heartless creature. A vampire who will suck the very life out of his next victim. You hurt because you have a heart/soul and a concience. It may not feel like it right now...but those very elements of YOU let you know you are HUMAN! (unlike the Narcissist Pathological) A wise person told me that time will soften the pain. At the time I didn't like that and didn't believe it...until one day, after time went by, I woke up to find I was just a little bit happier...a little bit healthier...and beginning to heal...

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