Supply Question

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#1 May 26 - 8PM

Avid

Supply Question

I have been reading a lot online about n and supply well my exn goes back and forth between women so when he goes back to one she is not new supply, and when he "cycles" back around he idealizes you but it is not like the first time but he does treat you very well but it does not last too long because as soon as the old supply calls and confesses their love for him he would d&d me. So if with them it is about new supply why does he keep going back and forth with the same women? The woman he is with now has been in and out of the picture for about 6 years. So maybe he is so f3@*(^ up he will take any supply he can get, or maybe he really does love her and he can't live without her. I'm so confused ):

#2 May 29 - 5PM

Sooziel4

I don't think mine will come back

My narc mentioned we might try again in 6 mos to a year if we felt the "urge". I told him I never wanted to have anything to do with him again and I have a gun which he taught me to shoot and if he showed up I wouoldn't be afraid to use it. I don't think he'LL take the chance as I think these guys are cowards. There are so many lonely vulnerable women out there just waiting to be picked by these narcs. I know he's lazy and getting new supply hooked is a lot of work but I don't think he'll come back unless I would initiate and THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! Just tell them you shoot intruders! They just might take you off their re-cycle list!

#3 May 27 - 5PM

Avid

Supply Question

Thanks for all of the responses if I stay here I will be strong enough to stay contact for good. After 12 years of back and forth I am tired of being anyones supply hell supply me for a change by being real, ooppps I forgot N cannot be real they are all fake. When I read stuff on here everyone seems so smart and articulate how did we get sucked into this mess with these creatures? It feels good to share with people that truly understand what is going on.

#4 May 28 - 7AM (Reply to #33)

adoette

Rebuilding

I second that emotion! This site is just a confirmation that Ns target intelligent, funny, wise, spunky, caring women. And that goes a long way in the rebuilding one's self-esteem department.

#5 May 27 - 2PM

janine

Stop being supply

This must be confusing for you. You believe he loves this woman he's had for 6 years? Let me tell you something. I've been N's woman for 11 years, in (sadly, most of the time) and out (when he got on my nerves and I withdrew)of the picture. I tolerated his OW (I'm married in a sexless marriage). Whenever I stopped seeing him for a while, he'd place ads for yet another woman in addition to those he had or he recycled old ones. In the 11 years I was his lover, he was always on free to see me, never cancelled a date with me, nobody would interrupt our weekends. Guess what happened to poor OW when I rang to see him? Now doesn't that look to you as though I've been the love of his life? Or as you assume "the woman he can't live without"? I'll tell you what I was. Ideal supply in many respects, shared interests, great sex, freedom. The only one he dared be his negative self with. The one who would be there for him. And, ultimately, a challenge, because he could never have me to himself. Not just because I'm married but because I know what I do or don't want. There may be any number of unknown reasons why your guy hangs onto that woman, it may be sheer convenience. Do you understand that none of it, not her, you or others, has anything to do with love? Stop thinking about supply and stop being it.

#6 May 27 - 1PM

gettinbetter

This one is easy. They are

This one is easy. They are LAZY! Its work to culivate new supply.

#7 May 27 - 1PM

Scoop

A narc can not love .. so he

A narc can not love .. so he dosent love any woman , what he is doing is maintaining his supply . If you have proven a good sorce of supply duing the time you have known him he will almost always do a hover on you . They are fundermetaly lazy but they are addicted to supply .. The key to really moving on is to grasp the fact that nothing a pasycopath dose is motervated by emotion , they dont have emotion .. Even when he was looking into youre eyes and swearing his undieing love to you it was all an act ... goodness that is a hard thing to write .. It feels so real right ? it cant be an act ... but the sickening truth is it was all an invented persona .. I once said to my narc that he deserved an oscar for his performances and he said "yeah i know " .. WTF ..All narcs or psychopaths know they are psychopaths , the only trouble is they dont tell anyone what they are .. i suppose it stands to reason as what would you have said to a man who wanted to date you if he said "hi im a sub species predatory conscientiousness psychopath would you like coffee ?".."on ya bike mate" would be what we would say . So to recap .. their actions are never motivated by emotion .. They are motivated by power and controle .. maybe money too . xx

#8 May 29 - 5PM (Reply to #29)

Sooziel4

A narc knows what he is

I truly believe mine knew he has serious problems. He would tell me I needed counseling for co-dependency and say "I know I'm not the picture postcard of mental health myself but I know you need help." I went to a therapist who told me when I finally leave him I will realize I was not the one who needed help. I think mine left for a younger woman who had more to offer in time, money possessions. I know it won't last either. I provided an excellent source of supply while he was with me but he left anyway. I think they just get bored and want a new gig who has the excited interest you had in the beginning.

#9 May 27 - 7PM (Reply to #28)

ifinallygotit

yes

Mine was more about power and control than money. I made more than him and he did not like that and he also did not ever mooch (he used to be super rich so it was annoying for him to be poor). He only borrowed money once in 12 years, after he moved (before I realized he was dumping me) and he was waiting for his first pay check. Now he has an average desk job in a new city (where he has a fan base, literally) and he chose a flashy poor working class woman to show off - she adores him in the pic and he was way more power over her than he did me (until the end when he stomped and tossed me silently). He wants image and power and his own money rather than some woman's. He would hate to be "owing" to a woman and feel olbigated to her. I think he mooched off his super rich male friends but not sure as he was so secretive. I did not know where he got his money! I think he definitely knew he was "different" but fine with it... He does have extreme fear of being exposed as a bad man though...And in truth, he is not bad except in relationships. I have seen him be very giving with friends and family who do not threaten him emotionally and make those crazy N defenses jump to action.

#10 May 27 - 1PM (Reply to #19)

SoaperGirl

I've never been hoovered Scoop

It's beens slightly over three months since the breakup. My narc moved in a couple of weeks ago or so with OW, and has been totally silent. Not a peep from him. Presumably he's got NS, and hence has no need to hoover. Since he moved in with this well-to-do financially successful woman, I would imagine he's thinking long-term. Seeing how he's getting very old and ugly looking...balding, pot bellied, and 66 years old, but he does know how to pour on the charm. Will he ever hoover me I wonder? Just don't know what to expect...I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop...could be weeks, months or years down the road, or maybe even never. Wish I knew what all he was planning.

#11 May 28 - 11AM (Reply to #26)

Scoop

The same as he charmed you he

The same as he charmed you he will be doing the exsact trick on the OW , now what happened to you after a while ?, the mask began to slip off right? and the real narc comes through . He is putting on an act for her the same as he did for you which means it is only a matter of time that she gets the same treatment for him , a narc is unable to change and the best indication of future behavioiur is his past behaviour , so whats going to happen when the OW gets D&D and she either leaves him or he leaves her ? he will get out his little black book of victums and come knocking at their door and in that list will be you .It could be next week or next year but it is sure to happen . What we need to pray for is he leaves it till next year so it gives you enough time to get over things . 3 months NC is no time , you need to be ready for the hover . I thought mine would no way try and hover me this time but so far there has been many attempts so be ready . The reason we can predict his behaviour is all psychopathology is the same and as so acts the same way , like people with a heart condition will have the same symptoms so a narcs behaviour can be predicted . .. scoop x

#12 May 30 - 6AM (Reply to #27)

miloka

Amen

You hit the nail on the head. Mine always kept in touch with his old sources. This was during our relationship. One in particular. I also think this one was narcissistic as she seemed to seek out old sources too. I have to think tho that i will be the exception due to the bad breakup. He now hates me. I am the enemy. I know too much about him.

#13 May 27 - 11PM (Reply to #20)

michele115 (not verified)

Soaper

It's really hard to detach, this I know from experience, but having a bit more time, not 100 percent. But I can say, it's dead. It's been over a year since he cheated, and August will be a year that he got his supply. Last August despite the hiccup we talked of trying to work it out, of course I had my head up my behind totally unaware what a slug he was, but nonetheless, from that date in August about a month and a half later he found a Summo Wrestler to fall in love with and he's been moving forward ever since, without so much as a thought. I'm sure when she becomes human he will hoover but the point is, concerning oursselves hoping somehow they'll come back embracing that SUBCONSCIOUS fantasy, NOT HAPPENING and we always believe that "if we just knew" then somehow we could put it to rest...hun, we don't need to know what THEY're planning, it should not affect us, we need to move on without even taking half a glance back. I had this fleeting thought today out of nowhere and for a few seconds I was like: How the hell did this bastard pull off this sham for four years and now he's with Jabba the Hut and really really in his mind thinks that all is okay in the world? He's not happy he's empty but he walks around almost like Plastic Man, GUMBY something, I can't even explain it...its not even about calling them evil for me at this point...what is the CD is how they are so NOT REAL...Robots with skin maybe? So listen, you are doing great you really are and it will take time, I'm not trying to invalidate you at all by saying, "Oh get over him" NO I know that struggle, but try best you can not to let the "curiousity" get to you. I think that was my downfall, not that I wanted him back but I had a "need to know" and hun, not that I found out everything, but the picture in the head, even when you do if you do find out compared to the reality, I am sure you'd want to kick yourself afterwards saying: DAMMIT, I was twisted up in knots over this crap?!...so wipe the dust off your feet my dear, and don't focus on HIM, at all, nothing, re-direct your thoughts when they creep up...I struggled with a lot of obsessive thinking, ruminating etc...at the end, I'm in the same damn place...it's part of the process and I understand you like everyone here does, and more than anything, I can't wait until we can all say we are totally and mentally free of them. I made a decision today, we don't have contact so to speak, but from time to time we'd email nothing having to do with a relationship just shallow BS and even that to me has no use and what I have learned if it means anything to anyone is that working the steps has been very instrumental for my healing which is why I volunteered to be a Moderator - but in addition to that, giving ourselves TIME without pressure is so important. Hugs!

#14 May 28 - 4PM (Reply to #24)

SoaperGirl

SHE AGREED- LET THE BASTURD MOVE IN AFTER ONLY THREE WEEKS!

Oh Michele, you do use such colorful imagery. Jabba the Hut and the Summo Wrestler - lol More and more its a lot easier to not think of him quite so actively. That doesn't mean he's out my mind entirely. I'll think about sending an email - then go "Nah, I don't need to." and I let it drop. After the OW, I now see him as both a manwhore (for hire by a rich bitch), and disgust that this woman would be so stupid as believe everything he tells her and even worse - AGREEING TO LET THE BASTURD MOVE IN AFTER ONLY "knowing" him only THREE FREAKING WEEKS!. What the hell is she thinking? I don't pretend to be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I have never ever done anything like that! That is stupid beyond belief! At three weeks you cannot possibly hope to know someone on such a level that justifies that kind of commitment. During that three weeks right after they met, were spent making it like a couple of rabbits? I was looking at her picture the other day - yeah, she needs money to attract a man, the woman is very plain looking! Why would I knowingly want such a manipulative basturd who is so easily bought and paid for just because a woman has money and property? Hell, let this prick live and sponge off such a stupid woman. I am so over him in so many ways!

#15 May 29 - 7AM (Reply to #25)

Lobo555

Same guy???

Not quite but similar! Mine got married to a woman 3 weeks after he met her. Now they're around town acting like the picture of domesticity and love. Of course, it's only been 2 months since the wedding, so I guess the idealization phase is in full swing. How do they move on so fast???? And who IS this chick who took him on after only knowing him for 3 weeks? She's rich and they're living between her apt and his best friend's house. He doesn't have a place of his own nor does he have a regular job. Makes me wonder if there's something in the water here. It's all so f'd up and I can't wrap my head around it.

#16 May 28 - 1PM (Reply to #21)

SoaperGirl

He's like a hangover I can't rid of!

He's out of my heart I'm sure...if he were to be run over in the street directly in front me, at this point, I might even just step over him and say "Gee, somebody made a poo-poo in the street. Somebody should clean it up." Emotionally, I think i can let go without a problem. But he's still zinging about in my head like a bad headache or hangover I can't get rid of. I have a hard time remembering most of the good times now-what there were of them. He is a total jerk and asshole. I'm well rid of him! I don't tremember the beginning all that well anymore. I do remember the abuse like the silent treatments and how he'd send me sexy photos/videos of himself. Funny thing is, his body wasn't that good...like an older, aging narcissist whose looks have long departed. Balding, pot-bellied, uglier than homemade sin...aging, looking old and decrepit like a 90 year old! Yuck. Not appetitizing at all. Why can't I let him go! After doing without sex a long time, I was looking forward to a sex life again, but he has a raging case of ED, and didn't know what the hell he was doing anyway on how to make love to a woman. He was a total dud. These things are the things I remember most. That, plus at the end while he didn't mind dishing plenty of criticisms, he couldn't take being given any. My memories are fast fading. Three months doesn't seem that long, and at this point, I don't really have any sources to keep me updated on his life, which is a good thing I'm sure. It means this brain of mine is being starved of things to ruminate about. It's just there's a part of me afraid I'm still vulnerable this point. I'm sure I'll be okay, but getting rid of the cd just seems to be taking so long! I'm tired of thinking about him. Enough is enough already! Yes, it would be great to move on. Sometimes I struggle with it.

#17 May 28 - 4PM (Reply to #22)

Scoop

I hear you . Go with what

I hear you . Go with what ever feeling and thought you have , when you try and stop a feeling it just hovers around and will bite you at another time . Now is the time to allow the emotion through . The cog diss will stop when its ready .. its strange and it drives you nuts but its there for a reason , its youre brains way of telling you something very bad happened and it needs to be sorted . Youre brain wants to heal and this is what it is doing to heal you . When you just surrender to it it stops faster , coupled with lots and lots of reading .. read all you can when ever you can and eventualy the brain will say "ok i get it now " and life can start again . For me it took 10 maybe 11 months . You are right bang on track . Big love SG Scoop xx

#18 May 28 - 5PM (Reply to #23)

SoaperGirl

Thanks Scoop

Your words really comfort and encourage me. The timeline you mention also helps so much! Thanks!

#19 May 27 - 12PM

Deidre40

At the end of the day...the

At the end of the day...the whole entire thing is maddening. And boring. Old supply. New supply. Take yourself out of the supply chain, and it won't matter anymore. hugs and keep on healing! {{hugs}}

#20 May 27 - 12PM

michele115 (not verified)

AVID

Let me clarify the upgrade/downgrade thing some... First, and this part is my opinion, in terms of looks different strokes for different folks, but I have to say it's rare I come across someone where I say "MY GOD SAVE ME" because they're so "ugly"...there is always something attractive/beautiful in everyone...I think beastly ugly is not that common and I'm being honest here...there is always someone prettier/uglier but again it's in the eye of the beholder. That being said... When I speak of upgrade/downgrade...YOU could be Miss Universe and he could be sporting Jabba the Hut. TO him though it's an "upgrade" because it's fresh supply. I hate to be so crass or blunt, but with these personality disorder types....looks, brains, class, wit, any positive trait you could have is not really valued...it is temporarily for the "image" you give him...but he does not know himself, he can't feel nor attach, so essentially you are dealing with a robot who gets it's life or "programming" from the supply source. DOWN to...an orifice is an orifice... SO that being the case, what to us is upgrade/downgrade in the "normal" world does not apply in the world of a narc. People are objects they love US about the same way WE AS NORMALS could love a "toaster" so to them, it's like: Okay, ten dollar odd lot discount store model or top shelf from Hammacher Schlemmer. That is pretty much as deep as they go. It takes time to really understand this, but we strive to educate ourselves so that the above concept will click for us and once it does, the ruminations tend to diminish because we understand that there was no more or no less we could do - they're disordered and they don't love anyone more or less, they are obsessed with themselves. Hugs!

#21 May 27 - 6AM

michele115 (not verified)

They take whatever supply they can get

AND their victims become part of their permanent collection unless they are wise enough to know what is going on. As per "fresh" or "new" supply, I had a similar question I did not engage in recycling, in fact he never bothered. I am still trying to figure the narcs lunacy out as the new woman looks like a Sumo Wrestler - but I digress. When I asked a friend about this she said: Maybe it was the only person who would bite, so perhaps others can see through him and he's only cycling what he can get. Of course if someone new did bite, he'd "upgrade" Sounds cold and impersonal, but that is essentially what it is... They don't attach, lack feelings of empathy, show no remorse and it is all about their needs, their wants, their desires...people are "props" to them. Hugs...

#22 May 27 - 12PM (Reply to #15)

hryan77

michele115

thanks for all you said...I hope at some point it clicks for me...I really do. I think I'm just having a horrendous emotional day.

#23 May 27 - 7AM (Reply to #11)

hryan77

downgrading

Both the girls (that I know of) that my exNarc cheated with were complete downgrades...I'm definitely not egotistical...I have major self esteem issues made worse by the narc...I have never been told I'm anything other than beautiful (yes that sounds horrible)...either way. The narc used to say I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, that I had the best body he had ever seen...even though I went from 119 when we started to 105 (and I'm a tall girl). Both of the girls he cheated with are thicker...both are very plain and it was pointed out to me today that both have very masculine features...I thought about his ex wife and the girlfriend from before the wife and both are plain...carry extra weight or are built like men. I wear makeup, I am very athletically built...but he hated that I wore make up and would try to wipe it off... He had ED problems with me the entire time we were together...now I really do think, I just wasn't his type, that he wasn't attracted to me...it really messes with my head. He said when we met (or re-met as we went to hs together) that he was hoping my confidence would rub off on him and help him rebuild his...because he was just soooo broken over his divorce and how horrible his ex was to him (ya right)...well in turn my self esteem was destroyed and I told him that...he was completely aware. I gave him everything, was everything (or so he'd say), he idealized me huge at the beginning...it was when I started questioning him and doubting his feelings and past that the trouble started. Turns out I had every right...he lied non-stop about everything. ok not sure what my point was...hahahaha just really needed to get all of that out and I guess am just looking for feedback.

#24 May 27 - 9AM (Reply to #12)

spinning

Hyran, sweetheart, please

do not take his ED problems personally. It was not you! They all have ED problems because they're narcs. There are many many threads on this board about it. You could even start a thread about it and you would be very validated with the responses. You sound like a very beautiful, fit woman who would turn on any NORMAL man. Remember, they are not normal. They are into self-gratification, porn, fetishes and weird stuff that goes on in their head that you cannot imagine. You could be a victoria's secret model (and maybe you are!) and he would still have ED!!!! This is the truth with this whack jobs! Please do not take it personally. You'll see when you move on and the fog clears and when you meet a non PD man! Love and hugs to you and good vibes for being your hottest self! from, (not) spinning (I refuse to. The sick MF'er tried, but he DIDN'T TAKE ME DOWN)!!!!

spinning

#25 May 29 - 10PM (Reply to #14)

veedoll

ed problems

my SO was totally into porn. he was even looking at transgender, trannies..., weird porn., threesomes... etc., voyeurism... he always thought he had ED but he did not. He did not even really touch my body before sex. Nooooo foreplay, no kissing. We would lay in bed and he would tell me to roll over on my side.... ugh. The more I read the more I am thinking he is a narc... but I do know it was not me.. it was him.

#26 May 27 - 10AM (Reply to #13)

hryan77

Thanks spinning

I used to sob about it...feel worthless and he knew it. He used it as a way to tell me he knew I'd cheat...one time (in the beginning) he got so "upset" he started sobbing...like so loud and almost over dramatic is was weird...another time months later he just laid there looking at me and kinda half smiling and laughing was like "baby it's not you"... there was always some excuse...and in the beginning he did have a prostate infection which it took a few months to find out about, but even then it never got much better...he always had some issue with performance... it was so upsetting...he has three kids, it must of worked at some point. He claimed that he used to masturbate at least once a day and sometimes he couldn't even do that and finish (recently...as in when we were together)...dunno probably TMI. I just feel like it was me and his health issues although it was always some sort of health issue...I could seriously write volumes on what I went through with him in just a year...more and more of it just makes me go WTF was I thinking!!! I don't know why I continue to blame myself so much for everything!! I'm having a really emotional rough day.

#27 May 27 - 3AM

findingmeagain

Sounds like he either can't

Sounds like he either can't keep the mask on long enough to meet new supply. Or he likes the fact that the old supply is just easier to hoover...You answered your own question. He doesn't love her she is easy to pull back in, you know dependable. If he loved her why was the relationship on and off? Think about this now , think about what their situation was and is now. On and off is not a stable relationship he is going to do it again .

#28 May 27 - 1AM

madashell

supply

He doesn`t love her,this is from an old post I wrote awhile ago. It`s from sam vaknin.The narcissist seeks out his old sources of narcisstic supply when he has absolutely no other NS sources at his disposal.Narcissists frantically try to recycle their old and wasted sources in such a situation.But the narcissist would not do even tht had he not felt that he could still successfully extract a modicum of NS from the old source (even to attack the narcissist is to recognise his existence and to attend to him!!!) If you are an old source of NS,first get over the excitement of seeing him again.It may be flattering,perhaps sexually arousing.Try to overcome these feelings. Then,simply ignore him.Don`t bother to respond in anyway to his offer to get together.If he talks to you keep quiet,don`t answer.If he calls you-listen politely and then say good-bye and hang up.Return his gifts unopened.Indifference is what the narcissist cannot stand.It indicates a lack of attention and interest that constitutes the kernel of negative NS to be avoided.

#29 May 27 - 7AM (Reply to #7)

Used

supply.

love her,this is from an old post I wrote awhile ago. It`s from sam vaknin.The narcissist seeks out his old sources of narcisstic supply when he has absolutely no other NS sources at his disposal.Narcissists frantically try to recycle their old and wasted sources in such a situation.But the narcissist would not do even tht had he not felt that he could still successfully extract a modicum of NS from the old source (even to attack the narcissist is to recognise his existence and to attend to him!!!) IWOULD HAVE AGREED WITH THIS ONCE, BUT I AM 19MNTHS NC AND GLAD TO BE, AND HE HAS APPEARED AGAIN THIS LAST 2 WEEKS AND THERE IS NO WAY I WANT HIM BACK, IN MY NC, I HAVE IGNORED HIM TOTALLY... NOT EVEN LOOKED AT HIM.. I COULDNT WANT HIM LESS IF IT WAS TATTOED ON MY FOREHEAD AND YET HE HAS COME BACK AGAIN, AND HE IS ON A MISSION ABOUT IT, SO WHAT IS THAT ABOUT, ANY ANSWERS?.

#30 May 27 - 8PM (Reply to #8)

wacaet

in his N mind, he is

in his N mind, he is convinced you are still "his" and you are a challenge, when you eventually break down (in his mind) he wins

#31 May 27 - 1AM

empath

Avid

I think they are cowards at heart, and will stick to what is safe and predictable, supply that is controllable. Not that this matters, and you shouldn't be spending time "wondering" about it...what DOES matter is that you see him for what he is now, and you are going to take control, break the cycle, go NC, stay NC and move on to a better life for yourself with someone who doesn't behave like this cheating jerk. I am so annoyed this evening, reading about all these stupid thoughtless heartless cheating Ns. It makes no sense to me that there are so many Ns in the world, habitually getting away with the kind of cruel behavior we could never even conceive of, much less act upon. (((hugs)))

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