Suzan's Story

Love, Lies and the minister

I feel so blessed to have found this site and the lessons I have learned from it already. Here is my story:

My ex boyfriend is an ordained minister and we met online. We first communicated daily by email for about six weeks. I couldn't believe how wonderful he was. We shared many of the same interests and most importantly our love of God. He was an executive director of an inner city nonprofit, served on many boards and was very active in boy scouts. He also was a very involved dad with his four children from his previous two wives.

We met for the first time at a Starbucks and I looked at this young Tom Selleck look alike and he couldn't have been more perfect. He brought a stack of photos of his kids and proudly gave me details. He was leaving the next day for a two week scouting trip. He kissed me goodbye but called me daily. The day before he was coming home he told me he loved me. I thought it was way too fast and pretty weird but went along with it. He wanted to make love to me the second time he saw me. We went away for a weekend and it was perfect. Within three months he took me to the jewelry store to look at rings. He called my house “our” house. The two years that followed were nothing short of a wild roller coaster ride.

From the start he was so complementary. I was his soul mate and he assured me he had never loved like this. When I met his youngest two children for the first time (teenagers) I was appalled. They were so rude and disrespectful! They kept telling their dad to shut up. We were in a restaurant and his son was pouring water and sugar all over the plates. His daughter was commenting about there being "spiks and Jews" all over the place. My ex was embarrassed and we left the restaurant in a hurry. I told him I didn't think I could deal with them. He then got very cold with me. He shut his emotions down, he wasn't mean just non responsive. He then told me if I broke up with him he would just have to find someone else to raise his children. I was so upset. The next day he apologized and said since his second wife left him he has a fear of abandonment and that he didn't know why he would have said such a thing. I stayed in the game and since I lived an hour away knew I could keep my distance from these awful kids he was so proud of.

He has the most outgoing personality of anyone I had met. Everywhere we went people were talking to him. He's very happy and finds something to talk about with everyone. He loves life and people. He also likes to share stories about himself, repeating them many times over again. He also though would want to know all about me. We would spend hours by the campfire and talk. He had many stories about his life. He had turned down a full ride scholarship to MIT to become a minister. He knew the governor well and could get us box seats and the rivalry college football game. He was accomplished, yet his home was in complete disrepair. There was a burn in the kitchen floor where he let his son light a fire. A hole in the drywall and thread bare carpet. His son wanted to move into the master bedroom so not only did he give up his room for him he moved into the smallest room painted pink! He would do anything to please. On the outside he was always well dressed yet he drove a beat up old car. I have a successful career in sales and found I was paying for most of our dinners and weekends away. He kept pressuring me to work less telling me I needed to be more available for him. When I explained I liked my job and liked being able to provide for myself and daughter he told me I needed to invest time in my new family.

It wasn’t too long before I saw through him though. He was forced to resign his position as an executive director due to some accounting issues. His story to me was that he didn’t feel challenged and quit. He then told me when word was out that he was available the offers would be pouring in. They weren’t. I broke up with him once again telling him I couldn’t deal with a liar. He backed away and we were apart for about three months but still stayed in touch with an occasional text. I missed him terribly. We had so much fun together. He was incredibly romantic too. I jumped back in and suggested we go to counseling. He agreed and even paid for it. We went three times but the counselor wasn't very effective. Yet again I came to find he was lying about stupid things. Nothing seemed to ever make sense. I would call him on the carpet and he would look into my eyes and either apologize or ask that we pray. There was always an explanation. I broke up with him again and he decided to take a two month sabbatical to re-examine his life. He wasn’t working living off of money the church would send him, his retirement fund and a large amount of money his sister gave him. He wouldn’t consider taking anything less than an executive position. Soon he decided he would go back to the church and when nothing else came up accepted a part time ministry job. During his sabbatical he said he discovered many things about himself. He said I was right that he had behavior issues and that nobody else has ever loved him enough to point them out. He came clean about some of the lies but not all. This is when I learned about his previous employer accusing him of misappropriation of funds. They filed charges but due to a great attorney he hired the charges were dropped. He asked me to come back into his life. The letter he wrote was unspeakably beautiful. He would drive an hour to surprise me with flowers on my doorstep and balloons for my daughter.

The last time I broke it off was three months ago. I had decided it was me not him that was crazy. I devoted myself to him and told him I wanted to get married. One day we went to a park and he told me I was arrogant and didn’t know how to love. I was so shaken that I told him it was over, I couldn’t trust him. He barely tried to contact me which left me wondering. He sent email weeks later telling me he was given a fulltime position with a church which included a great salary and a beautiful home. I wrote back telling him how happy I was. He wrote me telling me he knew it was over but that he will never be with another woman he won't even look at another woman. I am the love of his life and if one day I change my mind he will be waiting for me. In the meantime I found out his home was in foreclosure, he hadn’t made a payment in over a year. His home was damaged in a storm after the foreclosure was filed and he took the insurance money and went on a great vacation and bought his son a car.
And still I was missing him. I was also spending too much time looking at his Facebook and that of his kids. There were wonderful vacation photos and of his new church embracing him. He looked so happy and I tried to reach out. I was convinced his behavior was all due to his lack of work. I sent him a sappy card suggesting we meet on the two year anniversary since we met. I mailed it and that night his youngest daughter tweeted about doing something with her dad and his girlfriend. It turns out he was not only looking at another woman but was seeing her for months.

I have never been so hurt. My mind wanders, was it me and I let this amazing man out of my life or is he really heartless. On the days I am feeling strong I can step away and see him as a very unstable man other days I want to call him and beg (but I don't). I met him last week and told him I was very hurt and had questions only he could help me with. He responded with his big cheerful smile telling me of course he would do anything to help. He apologized for his part in our demise. I read the email he wrote two months ago telling me he could never be with another woman and then asked how long he had a girlfriend. He looked only slightly startled and said it wasn’t serious but when I told him it was over he had to get on with his life. I left him in a restaurant by looking at him and telling him our relationship was nothing but a lie then I walked out. Now I keep wondering about who she is. He had his new church to lead and his beautiful home a new girlfriend and I am left feeling dazed.My guess is he will be married to her soon.