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talking to a therapist

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#1 Mar 17 - 2AM
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

talking to a therapist

So I've been to see a therapist once and I go back tomorrow. I'm a little worried about the fact that she didn't seem to understand what happened to me. For instance, I remember her saying, "maybe you were the storm in his life for the past three years."

Now, I didn't go through a lot of what you all went through. I think he cheated on me off and on for a while. He did invite another woman to Hawaii to visit him during a port call while we were engaged and he did urge me to move to Guam where he was supposed to go.

BUT: he certainly never hit me and really seldom was angry at me (exasperated sometimes and critical sometimes). He helped look out for me after I had a bad car accident (pushed me around the grocery store in a wheelchair) and could be very sweet to me.

I, of course, mostly remember a lot of good times, of snuggling and feeling happy when we were together.

So... I'm not sure if there is something I need to convince her of... or how to do it... or if it's necessary. Does it matter?

The only thing is... I want to explain why I'm really struggling with anxiety and not being able to just pick up the pieces and start over.

She does, at least, agree that he's a coward for how he abandoned me.

The other piece is that I spoke on the phone to the counselor that he and I saw together a couple of times this summer (because I didn't want to move to Guam) and she saw him once at his own request, after his fling in Hawaii. She DEFINITELY sees that he's incredibly shallow, about an inch thick, and she was horrified by how he treated me. She also thinks that I deserve much better in life than what he could give me.

Advice??? Switching counselors here is not an option. It's a small place and not many choices or opportunities.

Mar 17 - 11PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Ms. Jeeves

Hi Ms. Jeeves, Yes, I think you should give the therapist another try before you make any decisions. CM is right that it's hard to tell how things will go after just one session. See how you feel after your second visit. I'm sure you'll have better clarity. Hang in there. You're doing the right thing. You definitely should be seeking help from a mental health professional. Best, Lisa
Mar 18 - 1AM (Reply to #6)
ms_jeeves
ms_jeeves's picture

Thanks everyone!

Thank you to all for your advice. This meeting went much better I thought and I got some good advice on taking deep breaths to control my anxiety.... and to "breathe in a new life" I do feel like she had a better understanding... I talked about being frustrated at being so brutally cut off from contact (as if I was the one who had done something inexcusable) and she asked what I would say to him. All I really wonder is "Why didn't you let me go when I tried to go?" And, she knew immediately that it was all about control. He couldn't let me go on my terms; he needed that control. He probably couldn't really say anything about what was going on. I believe very strongly that all of us are storytellers and telling and understanding our story is an integral part of being human. Therefore, it becomes really important to think about the story that you tell yourself and others. I'm not someone who feels like a victim (I got out after only a few years!) and I certainly don't feel like I have anything to feel badly about. I have my dignity (it's getting a little tattered in a few places... but I do still have it). Anyway, she and I talked about how we have stories and how there are things from my past that were once very painful, but I can go back now and re-read that "chapter" and realize it doesn't have really any emotional force for me anymore. I might be writing a small chapter on heartbreak right now, and my goal is to keep it as small as possible. I do feel incredibly fortunate that some other woman came along and swept him off his feet from me! How she did it totally fed his narcissism too (a woman who once didn't believe what he did for a living sent him an email based on seeing his picture on the internet)... and that was, of course, irresistible to him. How did I ever get that lucky?? :-) So, I got out early in the process and missed a lot of abuse that I suspect his ex-wives received. It's been 3.5 weeks since I got his cruel email telling me that he was moving to DC with a person I had never heard of and not to Guam with me. I think I'll be ok.
Mar 18 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Ms. Jeeves

Glad to hear you're feeling better and had a good appt. with your therapist. You are soooo much better off seeing him for who he is early on and getting out! I'm very happy for you. Best, Lisa
Mar 17 - 1PM
better off
better off's picture

One possibility is to use

One possibility is to use the telephone coaches/therapists at that Sandra Brown website. It's $65 for an hour, which is pretty reasonable. I think it's saferelationshipsmagazine.com They will definitely know what you are talking about. I am thinking about utilizing it myself. My heart is so broken.
Mar 17 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yes

Brown's therapists & coaches are a heck of a lot cheaper than actual therapy. And they know about pathology - that much I do know! For coaches http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/counseling-ctr/how-to-find-a-coach For therapists http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/counseling-ctr/find-a-therapist
Mar 17 - 1PM
cassiemay
cassiemay's picture

therapy

Good for you for starting counseling. Sorry you didn't feel understood more by your therapist. The first session is hard because there's so much to tell and it takes time to get it all out and determine if you feel adequately supported. I would recommend you go to another session and see how you feel after that. If you don't feel better about her you might want to consider seeing the therapist you saw together and who already knows a bit about both of you. As long as you are no longer seeing this person as a couple it should be ok to see him/her individually. You just have to realize that once you start seeing her individually you probably cannot go back to her as a couple again.
Mar 17 - 6AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

therapist

get a copy of Lisa's book and WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS and give them to her. Also, if Lisa allows giving out email addresses, you can contact me - I know some phone counselors who deal with women in pathological relationships & PTSD that can and will help you. Sorry but don't stay with someone who doesn't GET IT. You did NOTHING WRONG. Nothing!