Thank you so much

Well my dear sisters, I am going to share a little something something with you...the hoover hasn't taken place yet... Imagine my shame and low self esteem to have been D&D'd by an ex crackhead...yea what was I thinking?...whatever... Pollyanna over here thought that the Narc's 18 years clean was another life...yea, he seemed to have his act together and beating crack...can't think of a more amazing accomplishment I mean damn...I can't quit smoking my cigs! I've never dated anyone who had a history of drug or alcohol abuse...but like I said, 18 years seemed like a long enough time, I didn't know then what I know now that the only thing that changes is they don't use a chemical...otherwise, all the addict behaviors are still there at their disposal...and many escape the radar of mental health because they solely use AA or NA as their program and they just get to be perfectly imperefect and throw all their fuckedupedness up to God and never really get to the core issues...and yada yada yada...this is old news...some are lucky, some do find therapy, some acknowedge dual diagnosis but the stats of addition concurrent with a PD we are now finding are more and more prevalent...anyhooo...that was the cause of this whole brainfart and how I ended up at Vain encounters... That being said...I keep hearing about hoovers and maybe I haven't been hoovered because I cheated NC...and so he knew I was "still on it"...I can't say I wanted him back I really can't say that. I was hurt, I was angry but after he did what he did, despite the pain and the hurt for me it was over...I didn't care if it killed me...there would be no reuniting...what he did was too brutal and abusive to me...and he concealed it so well...he never laid a hand on me but he was NARC alright and I had never been fucked over like that in my life...hurt, yea, cheated on yea...psychologically manipulated and destroyed like that with no mercy, no remorse, no empathy...never and so I made a decision that when it came to him...FUCK HIM. AND it killed me to be hurt like that. AND I tried to reason and see all sides of it...one day I got my ass chewed out here and I am happy - for thinking that they are "victims" of an illness - and you know what, yes I still think they are...but I don't think for one minute God, Allah, Buddah, the Great Potato whomever put me here said: Michele, you are crowned Florence Nightengale Queen of the Narcs...your job is to help them, cure them, fix them, put up with shit. NOPE, I never thought that. Initially being in love and what I thought was a healthy interdependent relationship, yes, I did my best to help him a lot. I misread his selfishness due to cultural beliefs of women's roles, and societal beliefs of how we should just accept men that they're not sensitive blah, blah, blah and today, 12 members dropped off one of my FB groups because I spoke out against Steve Harvey for his BULLSHIT book Act Like a Lady Think Like A Man because I don't think A. A man who has been divorced three times or maybe two is really in a positon to tell me squat...and B. He is essentially saying this is who men are...and his description if i were to accept it...men are simpletons...and yes, men think one way and we think another...but I'm just tired of all these damn books telling women how they need to bend themsevles into a frigin pretzel, be more, do more to please a man and we still eat this shit and put ourselves in some shitty situations because this is what society said is our role...to be patient and understanding and tolerant and blah blah blah blah. AND I know I cant change the world, and I can't change men...but i think if we stopped gobbling up the bullshit and set some serious standards, and found our boundaries and let them know we have expectations we expect them to meet and they ain't getting none unless they meet them...I think men would tow the line more. Instead, we accomodate, we take shit because what? We're lonely? Bullshit - ain't got nothing to be desperate about. End up with a man that's an asshole, two years if that down the pike when sex ain't all that anymore you'll be lonely anyway so why not have a man sex up your mind first before you lay down with him? Make him sweat, make him work it...AND you know what...these damn narcs were lazy so that right there tells me from the get go, we did not enforce standards...sorry not buying it. AND I will say I thought I was towing the line...thing was this bitch was humoring me. I'll get over it. Anyhow that is why I think the "magic" of the hoover did not take place for me in all this time...that or he knows I know his secret...and yes, we've discussed the various possibilities of his PD and yes, he's had moments of clarity - the tradgedy is, I don't believe for one minute he's not manipulating me when he says it...so I ended up right back at ZERO..THANK GOD I wasn't hooked or it would have crushed me...it wasn't dangerous for me emotionally but as it became more real for me...uh, yea I can see potential danger. See, these asshats like triangulation...ANYONE here remember the AMY FISHER/Joey Butafucco story?...Classic Triangulation...and Unfortunately Mrs. Buttafuco took a bullet to the face. AND you know what...it could happen...SO when I hear how I shouldn't be preaching NC...nah we better wake up. NOt all Narcs are killers, but they can drive a woman quite mad...YES...even the other woman...when he decides to use YOU as the tool to drive HER insane when all you are doing is minding your business...AHHH anyone think about that?....yea, I did... Here is rule number one...Please excuse my french here...but we need a little shock...YOU DON'T PLAY WITH THESE FUCKERS ONCE YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE...ONCE YOU SUSPECT WHAT THEY ARE...YOU DON'T PLAY WITH THEM YOU WILL NEVER WIN...Patiencegoal...please take a note of this...because your moment of clarity might just be accompanied by a 2 by 4 upside your head....and you don't know these narcs...you don't know them because they don't know themselves...READ THIS HERE IN BLACK AND WHITE THEY KNOW RAGE AND THEY KNOW FEAR...IF THEY ARE FEARFUL...THEY MAY REACT WITH RAGE...THEY ARE NOT FEARFUL OF THEIR RAGE UNFORTUNATELY, IT DOESN'T WORK IN REVERSE SO YOU GET RAGE OR YOU GET RAGE BECAUSE OF FEAR...EITHER WAY YOU GET RAGE...GOT IT? I was lucky...I almost ended up possibly killed...YES because he approached me with such rage...he did not lay a hand on me...but he was booted out of the miltary for violence against an officer I think and what he did could have killed the man...with his bare hands no less and with the telling of this story...with those rose colored glasses it went right over my head. His ex wife reported he did hold a knife to her throat...this was reported in hindsight when I contacted her. Yea...it could have happened to me...I had an angel in my corner. NONE OF US ARE THE SPECIAL ONES TO THE NARC...what do you need to see? A CASKET? AND again, this coming from someone who never had a hand laid on her...but if empathy is missing what part don't you get? Do you realize that is what stops them from doing heinous things...the empathy the conscious? OH wait, you have a special NARC the textbooks haven't written about yet...Please...c'mon...I get pain, I get hurt but some of this...it's frustrating...my pain was no less than yours, I am no stronger than you...I come from a bad childhood low self esteem all that...and I really have done a lot of work...but what I DON'T HAVE IS A DEATH WISH. The fact is someone without empathy can kill you and go eat a fucking cheeseburger right after and catch a movie...do you realize this...is that registering for you? Anyway, I'm due for a hoover - I'm due because three weeks ago, I shut the mother flyer down completely. AND there is no going back...so now the ante has been raised. He contacted my niece on FB...and the whole weekend it ate away at me...because I tried to "reason" or "rationalize" insanity. Yes, I did. And I was spitting nails...because I thought: "What balls" until I realized nah, it's his ego... Except they like to traingulate so his hoover isn't about love, its about hurting me...and in his case, I believe a two for one...much like Sara and this is where you need to pay attention Sara... In my case...his "new" supply aint fresh anymore...she's about to get stamped on sale like the meat does in the supermarket...you know when the meat is still there on expiration date they mark it down for sale...well she's getting the stamp...he's networking with other suppliers to restock the shelves...now he may keep her if she's a good obedient subsurvient masochistic doormat...yea, because he almost is aroused by the abuse...so she can stay, he'll just fuck anything and everything and she'll jsut be there...like furniture...cause he does "lay" on her...but if she's been marked down...well, I'm in the dumpster out back...waiting for sanitation...but before they cart me off, he's gotta do one more check...make sure that I ain't there accidentally - make sure that he can get maximum profit..if my expiration is still salvageable, he'll put my ass back on the produce section too...TWO FOR One profit. They do that alot here where I live...re-wrap old meat...it's a big problem where we are...so if you're not getting this...I apologize...it's not my neighborhood it's just what folks in the big cities get away with because there aren't enough inspectors to enforce so sometimes you have to be careful...so yea, we're both meat on the shelves... BUT...see I no longer connect with him so he lost supply...he's getting tired of her too...so what better way to mess us both up in one neat move by pitting her against me? Doesnt' have to be real...doens't have to be the truth...but let's be honest...they're so good at degrading...so if he's constantly singing my praises, building me up in her eyes, making her feel inferior, gaslighting her, being passive aggressive all that...I'm sure by now she hates me...and of course, I'm sure he's painted me the crazy bitch in the scenario as well that has tormented him, abused him and has caused him to be sooooo broke...I'm sure he failed to mention the hundereds of thousands of dollars in debt I saved his ass from...amongst other things and I didn't even get a fixed doorknob but I did get a stolen dustpan...that was a classic gaslight move...OH wait...but some really need to see...well...this NARC stole a fucking dustpan.."you need to see"...learn from my pain...take from my experience...if you're here and you're calling him a narc...this is across the board..YOUR NARC ISNT SPECIAL...Im not naming names but have an issue with someone earlier who said something and I'm assuming its because they don't really understand exactly the dynamics of what they're dealing with... The triangulation thing can be dangerous because as much as we like to think that let's say the co-dependent theory...let's say that's true the in a way what we are admitting is it's disordered attracting disordered...opposites attracting...same issues different coping mechanisms...NOW co-dependents are pretty much harmless...they get their feelings hurt and such and they act out on shit according to theory but I could be friends with a co-dependent...shit I could trust my life with a co-dependent...they are just....co-dependent...big deal...in fact, I might end up believing I AM CODEPENDENT...BUT...NARCS do not only attract co-dependents....they can attract OTHERS with Personality disorders and that is where it gets dangerous. Just because you know you don't mean you know HER!!! and what happens if he makes her snap...BUT she displaces her anger on to you?...It happened to Mrs. Buttafucco - can't remember her first name for squat...was it MARY JO? So, this hoover thing left me unerved, because this woman, I've seen her pic and she looks NUCKIN FUTS...and now so does he...and I can only imagine the pathological sickness they're living in...and it disgusts me that he has no feelings for me but would even try to touch my life just because...it sickens me, and it enrages me...because I would like nothing more but for both of them to rot...and if she's not crazy and a victim...fine but I spit on them both I think he was messing with her head because for a time every picture was of her kissing on him, and he mentioned once she gets insecure about me...NOW I have never interfered with THEM At all...NEVER...if I conversed with him it was about unresolved issues, but I never said baby come home...I think once I said I'm happy because I see what you have to look at every day and I hope you're miserable...BUT in his mind, that probably was "I love you baby come back"...Either way...I'm sure he fucked with her mind and I'm sure he destroys her a little bit every day, and I'm sure she will very much be "his mother" who has been trauma bonded to his sick father for 40 years and at this moment just thinking about all of them and thier dysfunction makes me want to vomit. BUT I am detached and I am indifferent, and I'm not hurt...anymore, I see it for what it is, but I am not tender, I am cyncial, I am "matter of fact" when it comes to him...I am cold...I lack empathy TOWARDS HIM...HE does not exist, but I don't even want verification of his existence via any means... AND I felt it was a violaton for him to approach my niece of my boundaries...and I had a lot of feelings...But I am due for a hoover...or a "move" and I am prepared...why? Because I don't care anymore so whatever he does unless it's physical harm...it can't hurt me... AND that is where I would love to see all of you get to. I still have healing...I need to not be cynical...I need to be softened some...I don't hate men, just don't respect them...I need to heal so I can get my respect back...I still have some issues...some fine tuning...but I can't be hurt anymore...and this feeling has been very consistent. If I had money...if he said he was getting married, I'd buy him a gift..not out of hapiness but just to be a bitch...but I really wouldn't care. My last words to him were..."This is it...no more...even if you win lotto...NO NEED TO LOOK ME UP" and if you knew how broke I am...if you had any idea...you would have to know how much and how deep of an indifference I have towards this man...I want nothing ever in this life or the next to do with him. I thank you all for listening...you may now return to your regularly scheduled programming. Please get there soon...I am rooting for you all so much...you have no idea...and no I havent completely healed but I have a pretty decent sense of peace... Hugs! AND I think of each and every one of you and I pray for all of us every night...because although strangers we have a bond...and we need to hold eachother up...and I hope his woman ain't nuts...or wants to hurt me...and I also pray she's safe and wakes up before its too late... -nite

take the day off, go for a bad-ass up hill hike, get a pedicure, dance some, talk to your girl friends. sometimes when i am trying to get to sleep i just try and think of what i am going to wear tomorrow, i know, i know. but it helps some and gets your mind off that awful whirring and spinning. thinking of you and hope you can lessen your pain by writing about it on this board. lots of people here can definitely relate, hold on, you can do it. he is soooooooo not worth it!! you are not alone.