They Do It JUST to Manipulate You

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#1 Aug 29 - 1AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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They Do It JUST to Manipulate You

DANGEROUS ASSUMPTIONS
by Kathy Krajco

I read a spy novel that explained how spies subvert and corrupt people from the other side to manipulate them. Deceit is the name of the game. The chief tactic is relying on the deceived to make ASSUMPTIONS he or she shouldn't make. Assumptions people don't even realize they are making.

We do this with narcissists.

For example, when they blow up, we assume that they do it because they feel offended or threatened.

That's an assumption that works works for Earthlings, not Plutonians. We show our temper on the premise that doing so will make an offending or threatening party back off. We aren't even tempted to blow up for any other reason. (It's an unpleasant state of mind that we avoid.) So we do this for strictly defensive reasons. We have no urge to use this behavior offensively just to run somebody over for the glory of doing so.

But don't assume that about narcissists. Fighting is something they don't mind at all. It works at getting them what they want, so they actually engage in it for no reason at all, just to push people around. My own experience makes me think that narcissists actually enjoy conflict and arguing and fighting.

Whenever you aren't playing the part they've scripted for you, they flip the switch into obnoxious mode to herd your behavior back in the direction they want. You know, like a cowboy herding a stray steer.

It works too, doesn't it? You will do anything to get that spoiled brat to stop screaming.

That's all they're doing.

They may seem about to blow a gasket, but it's just a mask. One of many they put on. Remember that they do everything for effect.

Not to express themselves.

This is a fundamental difference between them and us.

They are never expressing themselves: they are just making faces in a mirror. It isn't to express themselves: it is to manipulate YOU. They will use a frown just as readily as a smile or a punch as readily as a kiss - it's all the same to them.

Because it's totally utilitarian. Don't take it to heart. (They don't.)

The mask they have on at any given moment is no more indicative of what they are feeling inside than the Halloween mask of a child is. They are actors on a stage, 24-7-365. None of it is real.

Which is why narcissists can switch masks in the blink of an eye. (Which by the way is a red flag.)

Another example. If a narcissist senses that you are getting ready to leave him, he may change and work to keep you.

We assume that this is because we mean something to them. Ah, how comforting. That's very tempting to believe. We want to believe it with our whole heart and soul.

But this isn't because YOU mean anything to him, at least not in the way you think. Narcissists are parasites. They need a host. If they lose you they'll have to find another one, that's all.

In other words, you mean nothing more to them than you mean to a blood-sucking tick.

This is why once they have you won over and back again, they go right back to sucking your blood.

They are like machines in doing this, so don't take it personally.

Assumptions, assumptions, assumptions. It's very hard to remember you are dealing with people from Pluto, who aren't acting on normal human premises, so that you can't make the assumptions about their behavior that would be correct if you made them about a normal person.

http://narc-attack.blogspot.com

Mar 3 - 4PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Do They Do It On Purpose?

READ TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Nov 29 - 7PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

After he was exposed

After the N was exposed for living a double life, one with me, one with the OW,,he would say "hi cutie" like nothing had happened. It is like he didn't even flinch, knowing that he was caught in a total con scheme with two woman, probably more. He still approaches me like nothing happened. Total fake, fraud.
Nov 28 - 12PM
BlueMoon
BlueMoon's picture

oh my god the eyes...

I used to say they were like doll's eyes, shark eyes...dead. He is fascinated by snakes, sharks...His brother has the same eyes too.
Nov 26 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

they do in ON PURPOSE

READ TOP POST ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off. - Gloria Steinem
Nov 22 - 2AM
admin
admin's picture

why do they do it

READ TOP POST
Aug 31 - 10AM
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

this is so true. even now

this is so true. even now after divorcing exN, when i try to sever the ties and move on and go nc, thats when he gets really nice. he apologizes for what he has done and wont do it again. yet all those things he promised in the past towards me and son, he uses as a weapon to get his way by bullying me. i believe he really does have this fear of abandonment. it kept coming back up after he would apologize and it was his way of keeping me in line. then when i start to pull away i get the guilt trip oh if you had been a better wife we wouldnt be in this mess. oh if you had listened to what our pastor said about making home a peace of heaven we wouldnt have been in this. please pardon my phrasing but i want to say this to him so bad, if you hadnt been who you are and dipped your pencil in company ink then we wouldnt be in this mess. instead if you had been normal and came to me about how you felt we could have worked thru this together and been there for each other. basically im breathing and thats why we are in this mess. excuse me he is in this mess. the saying is true everywhere they go they create this whirlwind of chaos to suck everyone around them in it. im getting out but now im fighting to get my son out of it.
Aug 31 - 12AM
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The smirk

Wow! MIne had a sleazy simpering smirk on him too when he was hopping out of bed to message his girlfriend! He cast his eyes down but he had this sick smirk on his face "I'm just going to the bathroom baby". LIAR. I'm still stuck guys. A comment here saying that they are parasites that need a host has helped. I can't help but think if I had just done nothing I would still have him and now knowing what I know about N's maybe I could have controlled him and made him mine. But then no! I just read a comment from someone thinking they can do the same thing but you can't. I forgot about the emotions that come with being with them. I was so attached so under his control so sick for him all the time and always wondering about the other girl. She can have him now, she is totally hooked on him and will never leave him he has her very well trained and I believe she turns a blind eye. It hurts so much but then I think of that sick smirk and I feel - SICK! She can have him!
Mar 4 - 5AM (Reply to #37)
narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

THE SMIRK..........

the psychonarc had a perpetual SMIRK....he only had two facial expressions....the SMIRK or the glare...i actually like the glare better....i always wanted to pull the smirk off his face and shove it up his @ss......he SMIRKED at sick and dying dogs...he was SMIRKING the entire time he was trying to kill me one day....i don't know if anyone has ever seen the post mortem photo of Ted Bundy.....made after he was electrocuted....but in it.....he is SMIRKING......he died smirking!!!..i'm sure the psychonarc will too...... i've never seen anyone i would consider to be an actual human being SMIRK....everyone i can think of i've ever seen smirk.....i despise...... My blog
Nov 29 - 7PM (Reply to #36)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Cupcake,,the smirk

God,,I know,,my N used to text me while at his OW house , the live in and the OW to me, and what I found out later, would sit in my office, telling me sweet nothings about what he wanted to do to me later that week, while sitting there,,,smiling,,at me,,,(the 'smirk')!! and texting the other woman about what he was going to do to her. I realized this later,,I thought he was so cute sitting in my office,,,the fake smile plastered on his face while he texted the OW sitting right there in front of me,,must have been a high for him.. I really believe they are actor, hollow inside, will take you for everything you got, then kick you one more time to see if they can get more.
Aug 31 - 5AM (Reply to #35)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cupcake!

now that you know he's a Narc... IF you still had him - you'd STILL HAVE A NARC and he'd eventually D&D you and rip you in two. NO DIFFERENCE. STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP! At least now you are RID of that dirtbag who used like a whore and on the way to healing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Aug 31 - 1AM (Reply to #32)
tasha
tasha's picture

you too cupcake

mine used to do that sneak out of bed to txt his 'other' or the ones in waiting!or when he was with them sneak out of bed to txt me! pig! Keep on remebering you can change him,it's in his nature. I keep telling myself 'I won't be the first and I won't be the last' But I will be better and will be happy.one day.
Aug 31 - 1AM (Reply to #33)
cupcake (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

My goodness Tash! I'm sorry

My goodness Tash! I'm sorry that happened to you and while I wouldn't wish it on you it is comforting to know that I wasn't the only one treated in that sick way. I think like my therapist said it gives them a thrill to do that. It wouldn't be as fun to commit and love and be faitful in bed to one person would it? They must miss out on so much joy in life if all they can do is derive pleasure from hurting people and sneaking around. Pigs!
Aug 31 - 6AM (Reply to #34)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

sneaking

Psycho-Boy would watch hard-core porn while IMing me. does that count? LOL ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. B
Aug 30 - 9PM
tasha
tasha's picture

thinking back

Yes ive seen it, up close and in photos. Reminds me of Hannibal Lector(good portrayal on Anthony Hopkins part) freaky thing is I saw a photo of the N and his brother together and the brother also had those dead eyes too.
Aug 30 - 9AM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

I was talking to a

I was talking to a narcissist yesterday and the word parasite really describes this guy. I mentioned that 'users and abusers are always losers' and he was fascinated with that phrase. he wrote it down and was saying it to himself over and over. Strange eh
Nov 29 - 5PM (Reply to #29)
Clover18
Clover18's picture

hahar. This reminds me of a

he was fascinated with that phrase. he wrote it down and was saying it to himself over and over. Strange eh hahar. This reminds me of a few days before my exNH and I split for good. I told him of the saying, "We're all bastards but God loves us anyway" He kept repeating this over and over to himself as he went out the door saying, "I'm just off for a long walk across the fields in the moonlight. Don't wait up for me. What was it you said before, We are all bastards...but God loves us anyway? I must remember that...we are all bastards... but..." TRANSLATION: "I am sneaking out to meet OW and need to impress here her with my wonderful philosophical brain that thinks up mighty fine thoughts. I'll smile mysteriously at her whilst I'm fu&*&*ingf her and tell her that it's okay, cos we're all bastards but God loves us anyway!" http://libertyfromlies.blogspot.com/ http://stoptherollercoaster.blogspot.com/ http://byebyejekyllandhyde.blogspot.com/ http://knittingattheguillotine.blogspot.com/
Aug 30 - 1AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

that 'empty hypnotic look'

The psychopath’s stare has its own allure and may be effective in the early luring stages. Many women, before they knew he was pathological, thought it was sexy. The stare has its own connection to trance induction. Even trained hypnotists say “Stare into my eyes.” The early parts of the luring and honeymoon stage are a great time for eye gazing with the psychopath. There really IS something to the pathological’s stare. Dr. Reid Melloy, in his book, 'Violent Attachments' says that women and men have noted the pathological’s unusual and unnerving stare. He referred to the stare as a “relentless gaze that seems to preclude the pathological’s destruction of his victim or target.” It’s also often referred to as The Reptilian Gaze because of its primitive predatory look. Robert Hare referred to the pathological’s gaze as “intense eye contact and piercing eyes” and even suggested that people avoid having consistent eye contact with them. Other writers refer to it as a “laser beam stare” or an “empty hypnotic look.” Our women labeled the gaze, “intense,” “sensual,” “disturbing” and intrusive.” Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. B
Aug 30 - 11PM (Reply to #26)
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

eyes are the windows of the soul

That explains that, since they have no soul, it would only be natural you are looking into black, empty eyes. I have a 8x10 pic of him he sent me (gee imagine that) It was a work ID photo I think he had a half smile but there was no expression in the eyes,when most people smile our eyes light up, his eyes did not match his smile, empty and fixated. One time he caught me looking into his eyes during intimacy and he quickly shut his eyes, as if he almost knew it was not normal and he was hiding himself. I dont know how these people manage to have any type of relationship with anyone for more than a week, living with someone day in and day out and wearing a mask, that is why alot of them wont get married and just shack up now and then with their victims, they need their alone time because they are weird and they tire of wearing a mask.
Mar 3 - 8PM (Reply to #27)
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Cyn

My exN always works out of town that way he doesn't have to be with his significant other 24/7. He always needed his space...probably doesn't want to scare off his supply so early in the game!
Aug 29 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

here you go

over on the far right there's a widget with the names of all the people they've done exposes on. It's not like DontDateHimGirl - they do full exposes to show exactly how these online predators of other adults lure, seduce, lie and manipulate people - using those they expose as teaching examples. Which is why I said o.k. when they and another of Psycho-Boy's targets (a friend of MINE!) contacted me to do the expose. Psycho-Boy's expose took a full month... if you want to read it I'd love to hear your thoughts. http://cyberpathlinks.blogspot.com/2007/06/j-aka-gridney-aka-yidwithlid-aka-sammy.html there's great articles there too - it's one of my daily reads because so much of it can be extrapolated into real life narcissists & predators too. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Aug 30 - 10PM (Reply to #23)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Barbara

Holy smokes, Barbara! I knew some of your story, but wow...this guy is a totally despicable piece of sh**! I am so glad you exposed him for what he is, not only for yourself, but for women who may come across his sorry butt. And he has all of these blog followers...like over 700?? Wow, bet he loves the attention. He's all over the freaking place...you tube, twitter?? 'Look at me'! He should be IN JAIL ROTTING. I admit I could not read some of it...it made me so sick, the travesty of what he did to you...one big LIE, how he took complete advantage of your situation. Sick, sick. You know, think of the WORK that goes into this level of deceit. So you said he was jobless, if I read correctly...? No wonder, it's a full-time job lying your a** off apparently. We have some similarities in our stories that I'll have to e-mail you about sometime... The brothel stuf, omg...I sooo want to puke. I'm so sorry for you, Barbara...I know you've come a long way in your healing, but nobody should be subjected to this much torture. Glad you stuck back. Hugs, hugs, hugs...
Aug 30 - 11PM (Reply to #24)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

thanks quietude

thanks I hope everyone takes the time to read that whole thing - so you know how these guys operate (not for me) Of course he is only one small piece of it for me: NarcMother, NarcB'friend who played with my head for 3 years and left me pregnant at 20 and then I never even saw him again! - and oh yes - he BLAMED me for his abandonment 15 years later when I ran into him (look out CA ladies, he's the CEO of a big company in San Diego now!), then the sociopath who almost beat me to death and stalked me, then exNH, the Psycho-Boy again... and all the Narc bosses who cost me my job and gave me shingles and a bleeding ulcer more times that I can count. and don't forget his version: http://thestumblingblock.wordpress.com/2007/03/15/he-said/ this is what Psycho-Boy said about me that I had to have legally removed from the web: http://thestumblingblock.wordpress.com/2008/01/12/lashon-hara-from-ywl/ (I know he comes to read that site above once in a while so PLEASE feel free to comment ;) ) He took down his hate site on me... but he's still bad mouthing me. He's at it again (probably seeing hookers when he can afford) I know and being a lot sneakier about it... his LOOK AT ME blog and Facebook and everything else. All the articles he writes to be published in various places is all LOOK LOOK SEE I AM A GOOD GUY. And his wife continues to pay his bills and believe his B.S. Additionally he's got buddies at his police precinct who keep "losing" stuff so I am glad I finally took out a cease and desist and had him served (actually his wife, the big coward wouldn't come to the door) He's still trying to get me off a Blog Aggregator we are both on that he has some SAY in. There's 2 other aggregators I signed up for with my personal blog that NEVER even responded - I found out he's involved with them too. He's had friends hack my blog too. Real mature. He was jobless when it all started (he was a HUGE exec for a well-known Kid's Entertainment company) and then as soon as he found work & could afford hookers... and then my exNH told me he was watching me & hacking my computer - all of a sudden he had no time for me -- until he had to reel me back in to keep me quiet and use my friends for new supply. He still takes every opportunity to tell me I need to take that stuff down about him. No Way Jose! I won't put up the "reviews" of hookers he screwed on his lunch hours- but boy do they give you insight on what goes on in a Sexual Narcissistic Psychopath's head (anyone who does want to see them has to write me at [email protected]) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. Beck
Aug 29 - 11AM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

manipulation

This is such a great point. We assume so much because of our N's actions. He was mad - I assumed I did something to upset him. But the truth is we were never really "on the same page" with anything. Little did I know then, and now that I do know, it creeps me out that I was in fact, reacting to nothing more than a blood sucking machine. YIKES!!!
Aug 29 - 7AM
dolce (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

masks

The mask my N wore that truly triggered me (and he knew it) was this smirk. Like if he tried to push my buttons about another women he was getting into, and I got angry, he'd put on this false smile. I hated that. I wanted to smack that stupid smile off his face. You make me feel like crap and then smile at my pain?!!
Aug 29 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
Rose-Marie (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

"that" look

Mine had a particular expression and whenever I saw it I knew I had done something wrong (in his eyes). I can't even describe it really. It wasn't a smirk, but a sort of staring "cold" expression and whenever I saw that look I knew without a doubt that I was about to get reprimanded for some misdemeanour - such as inadvertently nodding off to sleep. He really did reprimand me like a child, and I am 54 years old. Rosy
Nov 28 - 7AM (Reply to #20)
fairy wings
fairy wings's picture

Rose Marie

I'm also 54. When I met him i thought I had dealt with my anger over my childhood, my divorce and the previous relationship. Then I started to feel rage around him. I am interested in Buddhism and having read widely hold the belief that anger is only rarely justified. So many times when we feel angry, we are really angry with ourselves. So I examined the feelings and asked myself where they came from. Some were, as he claimed, from the past, I was aware he brought to the surface the same feelings I had had around my father, and the same feelings of jealously I had when I knew my husband was having an affair. So I started making myself sit with the anger, rather than reacting to it and letting it consume me. I disentangled the past from the present moment and I realised he treated me like a child and that made me react like a child. He 'told' me what to do. I was raely asked my opinion and if he was he always did what he wanted anyway. He said we would be fine if I would just do as he told me! We would be fine if I would just listen. I pointed out that I did listen, however my opinion sometimes differed to his so I would not do as he said. At this point he would often get really angry and tell me to get out. Or he'd say are you going to sit quietly or do I have to send you home? Either way it was do as he said and this would enrage me. I had no voice, I was silenced. I felt like a naughty child. I felt no matter what I did to please him, he always had to explode about something and quite often this was after we had got close. It was as if he couldn't let me get close. He couldn't let us be ok, he had to spoil it. If I chose to stay I would have to sit in silence while he watched what he wanted on the TV, then if I nodded off because I was bored or genuinely tired after a week at work (he didn't work), he would get cross because I had fallen asleep. After we split up he phoned me and one of his last criticisms of me was that I was an attention seeker, 'it was all about me' and if it wasn't I'd make sure it was'. I sat at the end of my phone making notes and laughing to myself. I could not for the life of me think when anything in my relationship with him had ever been about me!
Aug 29 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

the reptilian gaze

in psychology - that's called the REPTILIAN GAZE... the gaze snakes have before they bite you. Yes exNH still tries to reprimand me. Yesterday he called me unintelligent and stupid on his way past me in a store. LOL - since Ns talk backwards that means I am brilliant and far above his level of ever understanding! ;) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for Narc Victims - Updated Daily "As soon as you feel that crazy sense of walking on eggshells, fending off N-rage, stop. Walk away." - Dr. M. B
Aug 29 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
Rose-Marie (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The Reptilian Gaze

I remember the first N having a definite reptilian gaze where his eyes nearly bulged out of his head and I almost felt sorry for him (note I said "almost"). This was when I'd called him on some of his crap and he threatened to call the police - or my mother- to get me out of his house. The second N's eyes weren't nearly so prominent, so it was more like a stare. It was difficult to tell really as he wore glasses. It wasn't so much his eyes though, it was a peculiar expression he had on his face. It wasn't threatening - I just can't describe it really. I just remember thinking "oh - oh he's got THAT look on his face", and I just knew I was going to be in for a telling off. Rosy
Aug 29 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
James (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The look and the stare.

I posted this “stare” and the “look” i.e. smirk on two of my blogs. The pathological person has these traits and many will see them sooner or later during relationship. Both are great red flags and something to be on the look out for. Reptilian stare: http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/2009/05/predatorily-reptilian-gaze.html Narcissistic smile: The mask my N wore that truly triggered me (and he knew it) was this smirk http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/2009/02/beginning.html I also remember when she told us the she was willing to stay for 1 week before leaving and my youngest son begging me to let her. Where was she standing while my 12-year-old was begging and crying out to me? She was standing right behind him! Looking at me while my youngest was begging me with her having a slight grin no her face! I remember that “grin“ so well because I saw it many times before on her! She would smile like this when she knew she had me over a barrel she knowing full well that I loved my children and always tried to give them what they wanted the most, but this time it didn’t work! I replied to him “No son I believe it would be best for her to leave tonight” is what I told him!
Aug 29 - 9PM (Reply to #19)
baddream
baddream's picture

Wierd & Creepy

I know all about the look. Mine was very intense with the eye thing, it was controlling and intense. That woman's eyes didn't look human.