The ''Time will heal'' lie

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#1 Nov 17 - 1AM

BlueMist

The ''Time will heal'' lie

I just posted my story in my profile. I've been lurking since few months here, but I newly registered. I've been reading your posts and I would like to (((((((hug))))))) everybody here for putting so much effort in helping others.

Back to topic. I met my Narc 10 years ago, yet the pain never got away.It is a constant buzz in my head, everyday. It is like a ''phantom pain'' after an amputation.

I went NC 3 weeks ago but it feels terribly draining and painful. I expected to have withdrawal symptoms but everybody keeps saying that it will get better. Ehmmm, is not getting better, is getting worse?! And 10 years went by since my official breakup from Candyman, for God's sake!!.

Somedays I feel that I will never find peace. Right now I feel like writing him an e-mail and shout ''Let me f....breathe! Stop hoovering me spiritually! ''.

Maybe lobotomy would be a solution in my case. I hate this pain. I wanna rip my heart out and jump on it.

#2 Nov 19 - 9AM

ruby01 (not verified)

Time does heal

You have been in contact up to 3 weeks ago. Basically there has been no time to heal. It's VERY important what you do in the time that passes. No, time alone will not solve this problem. You have to use the time to your advantage. If you stay NC you can then use that time to gain knowledge and become aware. Use your time wisely and you might change your mind about the truth in this age old proverb.

#3 Nov 19 - 3AM

uk lady

Hi BlueMist

I was associated with my ex for 22 years. 8 years ago we split. During next 5 years we were in intermittent contact - would meet up, dinners etc and even went away together a couple of times for long weekends and spoke about getting back together. I always felt we had unfinished business and so never got into another relationship although tried dating etc but he would always pop back up just when I felt I was finally through it - especially Christmas time. During this entire 5 years he had been living with someone and of course he never thought to inform me of this fact otherwise I would have been gone forever. But that is my point - he didn't want me gone, he wanted me as occasional NS and his other NS too (he cheated on her too at the end with other NS). Think cake and eat it too. So I was always constantly on the back burner. 3.5 years ago he came back into my life whilst still with both NS (still unbeknown to me) because he had cancer and wanted his old, reliable NS beside him to help him through it all and other NS had basically outed him. Fast forward 2 years and I get therapy, finally open my eyes and see the truth without the rose tinted glasses. Another year down the line and I am walking out the door having finally had enough and woken up to his emotional abuse and I also suspected NS on the horizon - although he constantly denied it. So 7 months out and am finally rising to the surface to breath fresh, sweet air free from the N. I didn't understand the first time round but am now fully aware of the effects of being involved with these types. It's a dead end road so stay NC and run in the opposite direction as quickly as possible to keep your sanity. They will keep you spinning as long as you allow them to. There is no logic in trying to understand them. Keep strong. Dee x

#4 Nov 19 - 10AM (Reply to #31)

ifinallygotit

thanks for this post

I guess it is a blessing that he only thinks of me if he flies home for a visit. he never contacts me from his new city - but if I send a superficial text, he will respond... I am letting go slowly even though I accepted last winter that it is hopeless with an N

#5 Nov 19 - 10AM (Reply to #32)

ifinallygotit

Blue Mist

It does get less painful but takes a long time and lots of reminders to keep thinking based on the facts - not the dream or fake promised life - for months I would slip back and forth from acceptance of the truth to denial - it was just too painful to accept quickly. Life is good - just different without the obsession of an abusive R

#6 Nov 18 - 8AM

lillymarch

Stay NC.

Try to realize that this man you are dealing with does not love you, he CAN'T love you. Focus on you, your child, and your husband. Try to stop your obsessive thoughts about that man. He is a big jerk! He lied to you, then dumped you...many times! Think about why you would want to be with someone who treats you so badly. LOVE DOESN'T HURT. This is something I keep repeating to myself. If someone hurts you, again and again, THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU. Somewhere in our life we were not taught this. We meaning all of us here on this forum. Some of us learned this faster than others, I'm still wrapping my mind around it. A healthy woman does not love a man who hurts her, who lies, who continues to cause pain in her life. Teach your child how to be healthy. If not for the precious person that you are, teach those around you how to love their life and how to take care of themselves. By you saying that you want out of this darkness, you are really saying you want out of this painful cycle with a really sick man. And the lobotomy that you mentioned is cutting him out of your thoughts and mind. You can do this!! What are you thankful for? Focus on that! Everyday I have to make a conscious decision to STOP thoughts about the Narc that is in my life. I have to decide what i allow myself to think about. It gets easier everyday. Wishing you the best, Lilly

#7 Nov 19 - 2AM (Reply to #29)

BlueMist

Lily

I am not in love with the psycho! I WAS yes, very deeply in love, back in my early 20s. I've known him since 10 years, but for the past 5 years or so I thought it's all behind me and allowed him to be one of my buddies (online- among school buddies, ex work mates etc). Some ache of 'what-could-have-been' was still there but nothing that would not let me live so to say. After 6 years from break up, he sent me pictures with ''us'' (from the honeymoon phase), IM-ed me about our memories and that he doesn't want to forget anything. Why would somebody do that? He's married, has a 4 month old baby. What does he want form me? In my culture, the institution of marriage is sacred. We marry for life. This is not a Western country where many couples go and get divorced after few months of marriage. Practically, once I put that ring on my finger, I would never cheat. It's against everything I believe in. We live in different countries and I have no intention of even visiting my home country. So why his struggle? I am not giving him supply. I want to make sense of it.

#8 Nov 18 - 10AM (Reply to #28)

Goldie

I agree with Lillymarch here

Enough is enough. Breaking old patterns can be difficult. Do whatever it takes to move past this. Have you begun to read Lisa's step book. That would be a great start. God bless, Goldie

#9 Nov 17 - 10PM

faith_

Blue Mist, I too was physical

Blue Mist, I too was physical w/ my ex as my first, and I never dreamed that he'd just leave right after. That was the first major D&D from him, and it hurt like hell. My culture, it's a huge deal too. I really had an issue w/ this initialy too, as you explain, thinking how could I have done this (something so significant to me) with someone who totally ended up using me. (not that I suggested there had to be marriage, but him knowing I was a 'good girl,' he himself said to me "just cuz we had sex doesn't mean we have to get married"). Who really idealized me beforehand and seemed so attached to me and never even once pressured for sex, or acted like it was needed. I once asked him later why he did that to me, shared such a first if he was gonna call another girl right after, he said "i wanted to take something away from you." I guess payback for the glorified hurts in his head. Like in Lundy Bancroft's book about abusive men, his "garden of resentment."

#10 Nov 18 - 1AM (Reply to #25)

BlueMist

Physical

Yes, our stories are very similar. However, he didn't dumped me immediately. His first D&D came 6 months after that. Doesn't make any difference though. 5-6 years long he kept me in the loop, playing the push and pull game. He brainwashed me so well. After each ST I let him practically walk over me. I was just so happy he was back with me. He used to say: ''not ready yet'' to my attempts to get settled. He sent me mixed signals to keep me in that loop. For instance, he began visiting me at home, in my parents' presence. In our culture, this is a huge step. (The step before getting engaged). I had many times trouble explaining my folks why he was disappearing at times. I came up with excuses, but in the end, they realized who he was. Ironically, I was in denial, blaming others and keeping his side. (''I know him, you don't''). The worst blow was when one day, my best GF took me out in the city for a walk and said to me: ''I must tell you something, please don't freak out. You BF is seeing someone else. He is involved with a girl, visiting her at home, taking her to univ. and back. He's practically her fiance.'' That was the guy I dreamed marrying? I was in deep shock. Years later I understood how hurt my parents must have been. Their educated, smart and witty daughter was used and abused. Right in their own house. Just like in your case, he didn't pressure me for sex. That's why everything felt so natural and non-threatening. I never got a hint of who he was before my first D&D.

#11 Nov 18 - 2AM (Reply to #26)

faith_

I just sent you a message,

I just sent you a message, BlueMist, in reply your post, that I didn't want to post details of.

#12 Nov 17 - 7AM

onwithmylife

Blue Mist

I will add my 2 cents, I do not know where I would be without therapy, every time he dumped me I sought counseling and have had some very good ones overs the years and even recently even though i had not seen him for 3 years went back to a great fellow who knew all about NPD. It is not crazy, on the contrary i see it as a sign of strength to realize you cannot overcome these robots by yourself, it is a LONG haul as the relationship was not a normal one. Best of luck to you..........

#13 Nov 17 - 7AM

Hunter

Welcome to Narcville.. I just

Welcome to Narcville.. I just read the details.. Now you know what he is so learn the mind of a psychopath.. Stay away and in time this will be behind you.. 3 weeks is not long enough.. Remember contact = pain Hunter

#14 Nov 17 - 6AM

Sparrow

Bluemist, you are expecting

Bluemist, you are expecting too much of yourself too soon. It doesn't matter how much time you have been apart from him, what matters is the time you have spent on your journey to healing. Taking the time to learn abot the disorder, taking time to learn about you and how you came about in your relationship with the disordered, what you can do to start your journey and what you do during your journey. Setting goals for yourself, knowing that it won't always be easy, taking one step forward and two steps back. There is no miracle cure, to this, it takes a very long time to heal completely, but with each day that you travel through your journey and put forth an honest effort, is a day closer to the end result, healing. And all of this takes hard work, deditication to yourself, and most importantly........TIME. You will get there, you just have to put one foot in front of the other and take on all that is necessary to get there. Good luck, stay strong and stay positive. :)

#15 Nov 17 - 6AM

Hermes

Bluemist

Hello As the other posters have said, NC is the ONLY method of starting to recover from N-trauma. However, it is IMO vital that you seek the support of a professional (therapist) as it will be difficult for you to go it alone. It will not get better until full NC is implemented. Sure, time will heal, but time means a lot more than THREE weeks! No NPD or abuser has supernatural powers, of any kind. You are in charge of your own emotions. As for the Malignant Nostalgia, well, I think a therapist will help you a lot with that. Take care Hermes

#16 Nov 17 - 7AM (Reply to #8)

BlueMist

Hermes

Thank you for your reply. Your are right about NC, I am aware of this. However, I cannot help noticing you are ''sending'' me 2 times to a therapist. I am trying not to take it personally, but this is precisely the reason I avoided sharing this with others. Sending me to see a therapist equals ''she must be crazy, thus she needs help'' in my eyes. My experience was real, I was not crazy. I don't imagine things and I don't curl up on the floor with starry eyes. He was a Narc, the worst type of Narc, a user and an abuser. When you say Nostalgia, it implies that he let go of everything long time ago and I was the one hanging on. No, he was in my life, almost everyday of the past few years (online). Moreover, I've read much and I've educated myself. Know all about ol'Sam, BPD family board, moodGym, Build-your-own-happiness type of books. Last thing I need would be a therapist. I've had enough couch sessions with myself. Of course it is difficult to go through this alone, that's why I came here. But, I didn't come here expecting to be sent to ''therapist''. All of you were complaining that Narcs called you ''crazy'', ''mentally ill'' or whatever. That's why I find a little bit surprising that somebody suggest exactly what a Narc would do in this situation. I do appreciate however that you spent some of your time to comment to my post. Maybe I am wrong, I don't know anymore... Hugs,

#17 Nov 18 - 8AM (Reply to #19)

empath

BlueMist

Make an appointment to see a therapist.

#18 Nov 18 - 10AM (Reply to #20)

TNR1

Hey empath I think BlueMist's

Hey empath I think BlueMist's situation is a bit delicate since she has a husband who will ask her questions regarding why she needs therapy. I agree with you that therapy is very beneficial, however not all members can avail themselves to it.

#19 Nov 17 - 2PM (Reply to #18)

WiltedRose

Don't knock therapists--

Mine was the person who opened my eyes to the fact that my h is a narc. It's insulting to suggest that "therapist=crazy". Fact is, a therapist has training in spotting problems, disorders, etc. That's what they are there for.

#20 Nov 17 - 10AM (Reply to #17)

dulcinea441

Just echoing the other ladies

Just echoing the other ladies -- I realize you are in a difficult situation as far as ever seeking out therapy is concerned, but I just wanted to offer you the support of knowing that it's ok to seek help when you are struggling emotionally. I'm in therapy twice a week and I consider it the best investment in myself I've ever made! Without it, I doubt I would have made as much progress as I have in my healing process. It's just another tool to deal with the pain and confusion caused by these toxic relationships. And It's a place to speak about your experience free from censure or being judged and maybe even uncover hidden truths about yourself in the process. It's been a huge help to me and others here and I hope you will maybe consider it as something worth trying if you do find yourself "stuck." Hugs, D.

#21 Nov 17 - 7AM (Reply to #16)

Hermes

Bluemist

Many other posters on here would suggest exactly the same thing to you. And many of them, myself included, will have sought the support of a therapist in the post-N trauma. I certainly know I would not have made it out of the N-pit without the great help of a professional. Seeing a therapist does not mean, at all, that you are "crazy". It means you will talk with a professional (a qualified psychologist) who will help you in what is a very painful situation, to whom you can in confidence work through this terrible time. You cannot be your own therapist! And no one is saying you are imagining things. We have all read various books and articles on the disorder. But, at the end of the day, an abuser is an abuser, regardless of whether he has a PD or not. And abuse is not to be tolerated. That being said, it is good to read and be educated about how abusers operate. But we all need any help we can get in real life too. Take care Hermes

#22 Nov 17 - 7AM (Reply to #9)

TNR1

Hey Blue...many of us on this

Hey Blue...many of us on this site see a therapist...not because we are crazy...but precisely because we were involved with someone who is disordered and it is very important to process the lingering feelings left over from such a disordered relationship. I know that my therapist has helped me tremendously to better understand my motivations for continuing to be with Mr. N when it was clear that he had Narc personality traits. She has also helped me to realize that I did nothing wrong, bad to cause him to go hot then cold...it was always about him...I was just supply. Obviously the choice is yours...but therapy can help with the process of NC...especially if you were involved with your ex N for a long period of time. Remember, it is about his disorder.

#23 Nov 17 - 7AM (Reply to #10)

BlueMist

Girls

..forgive me for lashing out. Besides my prejudice about therapists ( I honestly think most of you are better that them because you lived these experiences, so actually you are more qualified than somebody who reads about it in school), there are 3 reasons why I will not seek a therapist. 1. I would not afford it. We are a young family with a baby and we count our pennies so to say. Besides, what would I say to my husband? ''I need therapy because I suffer because of my EX did to me''. Yeah sure:)) He will rather go and hunt him down to close the subject. Man of action my husband:) 2. I am an expatriate in a foreign country. Didn't master the local language yet so for sure I would not grasp what my therapist would try to tell me 3. This is not a country with tradition as far as psychotherapy goes. Not like US or other Western country. So I highly doubt some of therapists here even heard of NPDs lol Oh well...I still have you, do I? :*

#24 Nov 17 - 1PM (Reply to #15)

TNR1

My therapist was married to

My therapist was married to an N for 5 yrs. Believe me, it isn't just "text book" knowledge for all therapists.

#25 Nov 17 - 8AM (Reply to #14)

onwithmylife

Bluemist

I do not know about other countries, but in the US, I spend$10 a session,for therapy, for low income people like myself. As for what you would tell your husband, you could tell him you have some past issues you would like to work on, nothing wrong with that, we all could use some self reflection, not weak, but a sign of strength I believe.

#26 Nov 17 - 7AM (Reply to #11)

Hermes

We are here, BlueMist

We understand perfectly, BlueMist. I did not realise you are now married, and you have a loving husband. And a baby. I can so understand about the cost factor. Therapy is indeed expensive, although in many countries you can file for therapy on the Social Security. But not sure how successful that can be, and anyhow people have to wait ages. Many foreign countries do have Enlish-speaking therapists, but it may not be the case where you are now. I am guessing you are not in the U.S. Canada or Europe? I suppose another option would be to speak with a counsellor at parish/community/volunteer level, if such exist. Just a thought. Best of luck anyhow Hermes

#27 Nov 17 - 1PM (Reply to #13)

BlueMist

Yes

I am married now, I have a baby. Me and my husband we had some rough patches, but I suppose it's normal to have good and bad days in a marriage. I care deeply for my family, that's why I want to get out of this dark place I am in. I know I was so self-absorbed and I neglected them. I suppose among you,somebody would ask herself why I am here seeking support because of my r/s with Candyman when I am happily married. Shouldn't matter at all. Well,I always believed people are esentially good.Till 3 weeks ago I believed me and Candyman can be friends. But I suddenly felt he wants to drag me back in that bottomless pit I struggle so hard to come out. I felt like I was D&D-ed again, although we are not in a romantic r/s anymore since 6 years. Whatta .... Can they devalue their ''friends''?!

#28 Nov 17 - 1PM (Reply to #12)

BlueMist

About therapy

I am not living in Europe, US or Canada. I still hope I will pull this through. Even the fact that I got so many replies from you all, somehow lifted my spirit. Muah:*

#29 Nov 17 - 5AM

freaked

Bluemist, HUGS

BIG HUGS to you too Bluemist. Welcome to a brave new world here at the forum.. yes.. each of us is impossibly grateful for the tremendous help we have received here. Answer to your question... YES WE DO HEAL. Time taken varied depending on the intensity of the r/s. Months ago...I thought I would never stop crying...but today, I am listening to favourite songs on youtube.. going back into a time when I was a happy teenager.. This happened entirely due to this Forum. I am still living like a refugee/slave in this NH's house..I don't know when he will ask me to get lost..but you know what ...I don't give a fig now. My mind is healing fast.. I share my love with all at the forum and when I do so...what a strange healing is happening...you know...for 20+ years I have forgotten what LOVE felt like?? a PD is such an insidious creature...we don't recognise the damage until too late...and then the Higher Powers in the Universe guides us ever so gently...into space.. a sacred space where we find friends once again...we receive love...we give love... and we discuss and massacre the evil that haunted us.. Lots of Love dear friend..

#30 Nov 17 - 6AM (Reply to #4)

BlueMist

A sparkle of hope

I am thinking that I really don't know where my best years went. I lived in twilight zone for so long. I thought I am alone and now, I discovered this forum. It feels so good to be understood. I wonder whether my failure to move on was lack of support from other people, lack of acknowledgement that the emotional abuse happened indeed. I almost convinced myself that I am the crazy one, that I deserved to be dumped repeatedly. Freaked, the healing you are talking about...I am longing for it so much. I want to feel love, I want to live my life, I want ''Technicolor'' again!!! But then, evening comes, I lay on my bed and try to repel the claws of pain. Enthusiasm and courage...gone. This forum is my only hope. I pray to God that this would be the place of my healing. Maybe it is He who guided me here. In the meantime I am trying to recover from his last ''pearl'' : ''You can go, I don't care, it is not the end of the world. You know, when I cut people out of my life, I do it for good'' . Now he's stalking me online. Like somebody earlier wrote : I wanna run into the night screaming!

#31 Nov 17 - 7AM (Reply to #5)

freaked

Hi Bluemist, that thing of

Hi Bluemist, that thing of cutting people for good is typical narc behavior. barely months after our marriage he started saying he wanted a D. anyway..useless story of my life.. have written much about it and today I am so bored stiff with the fella's antics.. but yes, i have observed his stalk his former gf ( the one he was with b4 he married me)...then the OW#1..and now he strung himself with OW4. I am wondering what you may be able to do for reducing loneliness in the evening? I would log into Yahoo Chat with a fake ID and chat with strangers... discussing their problems and trying to help... b4 i found this forum nobody believed my story. i always too care to maintain anonymity though. It is The Supreme God who has guided us to the Forum. It is not a chance happening...each of us has been gently led here because the Lord protects in unimaginable ways.

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