Today is my birthday

I have always hated my birthday. Don't know why. Maybe because no one acknowledges it the way I see other people have their birrhdays acknowledged. My husband will never buy me a card or a present- I buy my own present.

But I am feeling pretty good today! I haven't really posted in a while because I have been embarrassed that I have still been in contact with the narc. After I was in the hospital I tried NC, but it didn't work. I asked him to leave me alone and not contact me any more, but he wanted to prove to me that he wasn't "that guy", that abusive guy. I told him he had nothing to prove to me, but I felt sorry for HIM, so I couldn't block him. I know that's the only way to end it. I've tried conversation, but that always turns ugly of course. This last time he threatened to come to my house. He told me that I couldn't be the one to end it. It had to be him- I owed him that (really???).

So I just blocked him- blocked all sources of contact. This is not the first time I've done this, but I plan making it my last. I feel very strong about it this time. I've felt strong before though, so I'm not out of the woods yet.

I know it must not seem like it to everyone here, but I really do want things to be over with him. I REALLY want no contact. It's my birthday today- I'm 44. Certainly not a milestone birthday, but one that I will use to remind myself that I will have only healthy relationships. I will never again believe that he is capable of a healthy relationship. Disordered or not, he has the emotional maturity of a child. No healthy adult relationship can come from that. I am through! I declare that to you all here and I will say it as often as I can to myself to make sure I really do it this time. At this point I feel disgusted by him. That is good- as I have never felt that way before!