The Tools of the Narcissist

Thank you RoseDewittBukater (♥ Titanic, but I digress). Great site. I find it so strange that narcs treat ALL relationships the same. I also think it's great that the site has the word "chameleon" in it because I have used that word to describe a narc many times because they adapt to so many different environments so well. Most people don't have that "skill". Anywho, let's see here concerning the female narc, too. Gifts? Yes, check Affection? Yes, check. She called us "soulmates" and we were only friends and would tell me I was the "best friend she'd ever had" & "no one understood her, like I did". Withdrawal? Yes, check. That's when I start trying miserably to get the "good times" back to no avail. Threats? Yes, check. At the end she would accuse me of the most retarded junk and I would end up in a messy puddle because she had me convinced I had hurt her somehow even though I also knew I had done no such thing. Crazy making in overdrive! Violence? Yes, check. She went around telling everyone how horrible I am and how she was going to kick my ass, but never once actually confronted me. I had to hear about it through the grapevine. I confronted her instead, to which I get the "sweet face" and "flattery" to throw me off because she knew I would throw down if I had to and she knew I could get her if we had to go toe-to-toe. I wish sometimes that it had come down to that. At least, I know how to fight that. It was the rumors that didn't know how to fight.

Yep that is how it went..Only,mine never gave me anything...Except for a ring he said he found while cleaning and refurbishing an apartment from the Housing Projects he works in...And he never wanted a birthday gifts from his kids...He gave me that ring the day i arrived in Tulsa from Holland to be with him after 2 years on Skype,daily with him...and sex ,well he tried to have sex the first day,he had RD,and said,sorry i haven;t had sex for sometime now,is not you darling...The second day i was there,he did it ,he told me to get down on my hands and knees on the ground,and he did it whitin 5 minutes,he trashed my shirt and said fAST,FAST,I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE MY ERECTION...AND HE RIPPED MY SHIRT FROM MY BODY...when he was done,he left me on the ground and said,i am glad i could finish,i thought it would be one of these times that i couldn,t keep it hard...I was devasted,i felt raped..the day after that i cried again and he said he wasn't going to be with me,and that fucking me was gross and that if he saw me walikng down the street he wouldn't give me a second look...and that i was worst than a Porn Star...and i was Too much and had too much energy for him...he is 44 looks 50+ i am 55 look 42...Go figure,my self esteem is very bad ,i wanted to leave even after had to travel 10.000 miles and leave my home and relationship for him,but he said:see you dont get what you want you are leaving...so i stayed,and was abused for 2 months,then i left totally wrecked...Thanks ladies,and sorry it got a long post...i have been through hell ,my ex N is the most cruel person i ever heard or saw in my entire existence...what he did and does for the ones closest to him,is criminal..his then 15 year old daughter even went to the police saying he has been abusing her...and fhe dodged the bullit...i do not know how but he did..he should be in jail.Forever

Mine used to tell me I wasn't gay and did not love her after we had been together for 11 years! Really? Don't know if she was trying to convience me or herself. I never felt labels were important. I was in love with who I was in love with, her. She would tell me many times that I did not do or care anything about her. I don't see how I could have "GIVEN" any more of myself in all areas. As strange as it may sound, I had never been attracted to a woman before I met her and I'm not attracted to women now. I was married for a long time and was happily living in a normal (meaning Non Narc) routine relationship. She befriended me and we were friends for a long time, all the while she was working on the ultimate challenge - To narc me into even changing my sexuality along with getting a hold of all my other strengths and benefits. She was the pittiful hurt soul that had been condemned all her life for being gay. Blah, blah I wanted to show her she was worthy of being loved. Her work paid off for her and I truly loved the fantasy and idealization. I met my "soul mate". I never felt the need to defend or deny my feelings for her. As I see it now, I did not fall in love with a woman, or even a human being for that matter, I fell in love with a Narc/Psycho. Amazing how good they are and the abilities they have when they are determined to obtain supply, especially the reward of this challenge. I believe for her, this was the ultimate success. I don't want to send any wrong messages with my comment above. I posted this theory on another Narc website and I was labled as homophobic and a hypocrite. I have many gay friends and love them deeply. I am not ashamed or embarrassed of my friends or my relationship with a woman. I did not fall in love with a gender, I fell in love with a person, or should I say, A LIAR. I experienced all of 1-5. Especially the gift part in the beginning. She would buy 99cent cards and flowers for me almost every day. I was so impressed, I would buy her gifts in return costing hundreds, if not thousand of dollars. I found out later she even gave me "gifts" she had lying around her house and things she didn't want and tell me how much time and money she spent for the "right" gift for me. I found out later that some gifts were even jewelry from past victims. That explains why she would not return the rings and other jewelry I had given her after the D&D. They are probably on the new OW finger - yuck. If she only knew. Every year she would send her parents Christmas gifts of things sitting around the house if she even thought to send them anything at all. It is unbelievable how they all play by the same script almost to a tee of a relationship or should I say, The Game. Ther has to be a Narc for dummies book out there somewhere. I love that I found this forum. It is extremely healing to be able to write my feeling out with others who understand what being with a N is like.

my narc never gave me one single gift or card or anything in the year and a half we've been together.

Yes, yes, yes! These five points sum it up in a really clear, simple way. Thank you for posting and may your week be a peaceful, free one, full of happiness! :-)

Thanks very much for this, Rose! Being a part of this forum is a "learn something new every day" situation for me (!). Tool #4 has just caused a lightbulb moment: never considered that exN used to threaten me, probably every other day and usually when I was busy (oh, I don't know researching/writing or organizing things for her/our home) with a little sing-song-y tune: "You used to looove me//but now you haaate me" (sometimes "She used to looove me//but now she haaates me"), coupled with a third person lament: "Poor Poor (exN's name)". It always made me distressed and rush to comply with what she asked or needed. So many tools they have!! It's becoming clear the abuse was systematic and pervasive. Still can't believe I failed to recognize it all. At least I'm learning and I can avoid it in the future! Thanks again xxx Mega

........just reminds me of, and makes me hate the fucker, even more. Thanks for sharing! ; )