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Using money owes me to control

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#1 Nov 10 - 10AM
Hopeful36
Hopeful36's picture

Using money owes me to control

About 2 weeks ago my narc sent me a text asking if he could call me because his wife and kids weren't home and he "loved me and wanted me."
After taking his call I was so ashamed because I knew he was using me to "play" over the phone. I was his free whore.

So I sent him an email, that wouldene my 20th+ last email because I'm so pathetic. The email was different. It wasn't an attack but I did paint a true picture of our relationship. I was very calm and sad, so I felt the email was very accurate and fair. I carefully chose my words knowing that if I didn't I would pay.
Two days later he sent me a text saying "Why do you flip out on me? Why do you want to hurt me? Why do you attack me?"
I then replied and answered each question....very carefully. It was short and sweet. Because of the time change he would not get it until the morning. In the morning he sent me, attacked me again. For no reason. My email to him was how I felt and I wrote specific situations to why I felt a certain way.
He replied, "it's all on your head, you create drama and those situations are in your head. You need help. Leave me alone."
I replied that I would and to pay me back my money by tomorrow and we'd be done, we wouldn't have anything tying us together.
He then started....first it was " I will pay you when I want to. Beat it Bitch.
(Then I become this crazy person whenever he makes no sense!) I replied that he was to pay me in the morning otherwise would forward the email he sent me asking for the money, to his wife. The he said for that I will pay you $10 a week for two years. Then I made a comment about what a fake he was, then it became $5 for 4 years. " We'll be stuck to each for 4 years, but there will be no contact between us except for the deposits, you"ll think about me everyday." (this went back and forth for an entire day. Then he said, " let's stop now, hon."

And (this is embarrassing) he sent me videos I made him and said he was watching them and was turned on. It was so weird. He had said horrible things to me.
I think he gets meaner and and more controlling because it turns him on.

So that night I came here and read a great article about psychopaths. Wow, it was him. Two things that really struck a cord because I did think it was in my head...
1. The part about the sexual requests.
2. The treatment got worse....the fight were incredible and half the time i didnt even know why we were fighting and it will never go back to what it was at the beginning. Maybe for one second if he needed supply.

So, I sent him an email and said, "you win, keep the money. It isn't worth the fighting. I also
decided ( another last email....)but it was friendly but real. I decided not to put blame on anyone, complimented him at times. ( I'm crazy...I know.) but I wrote about how we both become so angry and mean that it wasn't healthy and it was over. That it wasn't fun anymore and that was why we were in the affair in the first place. Why do I even bother?

Do you think he borrowed the money as a game for control. I actually believe so.

Today will be day 2, and he hasnt responded. But that is typical.
I hope I can really stay NC. It's so hard. Especially because I want to know what he is thinking.
No response! It's been two days and I'm dying.

Nov 10 - 3PM
ValiditySeeker
ValiditySeeker's picture

You don't need the $

As much as you need to never speak to "it" again. Write it off mentally. Don't ask him about it and don't think about it. It's gone. Consider it a gift you paid to get rid of him. Ignore all future attempts to contact you.
Nov 10 - 2PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

He took the money because he

He took the money because he is selfish and that is all. He will use any excuse to get what he wants, the money is just one of many. Wanting to know what he is thinking. Here are my thoughts on that. He will never be able to tell you what he is thinking, as that information is inaccessible to him. He only knows control, supply, self pity and self-aggrandizement. What I think we are really searching for is the ideal image the narc presented at the very beginning...hoping magically that that person is real and wll return. We want the soulmate perfect one back. Simple. Now read about how that image was false, reflected out of your desire...and out of his ability to project that image to you. Like a fuzzy lens however, that projected image wasn't always a perfect reflection of your desires, and those moments were represented by the red flags---glitches in the narc win you over program. Wondering what he is thinking will keep you nuts and entangled. Looking at your thinking will get you out of the insanity and your own light will illuminate the path forward! ds
Nov 10 - 12PM
las730
las730's picture

Hopeful36

Money is definitely a control factor - as long a he owes you money (regardless of you jut wiping your hands of it), he will and can use ths as a way to engage in some conversation with you. Unfortunately you can't just completely block him because of your child, but don't engage in any type of communication unless if it's about you child. I was on the other end of a money control, he liked to lend me money, knowing I was stuck unil I could pay him - and until I could pay him, I couldn't move out. If you don't need that money for survival - your best bet is to let it go. Paying your $5 back for years is only going to affect you emotionally. I have also learned no matter how you write that "letter" to your N - regardless of how "communicatively correct" it is, they will ALWAYS see that in the negative! Unless that letter says how great he is - he will never see your true intentions. I learned that the hard way and couldn't understand it - but reading Lisa's books, therapy and this site made me come to realize it really isn't me - it's him.
Nov 10 - 11AM
bumblebee
bumblebee's picture

I second what Sparrow said

Yes, it's so clear how he is manipulating you. Hopeful - I know where you are coming from with all this and it's SO tough. I know I felt for a while that I had given so much to exN, both financially and emotionally, and damn it, I wanted some of it back! This was a sign to me that I knew I wasn't ready to quit him yet. I say "quit" because it is an addiction and when you are ready to quit an N, it's about cutting your losses - not about getting financially back to equal. (And honestly, how many break ups exist where you do get back to equal financially? - it's simply a cost of investing in someone else. This is one area that is so, so common in break-ups. The difference here is how he is using it against you - that's the twisted part of him.) Another thing is the writing, crafting is more like it, all of the "last" emails. I've certainly done that... how can I word it so I say things that point out what I know about him (i.e. how awful he treats me), but I write it so that he'll keep reading it and keep wanting to see me? It was a sign that I was still engaged in the game. And that's all it is, a game. A very personal and emotional one for us, but not for them. This last time I went NC - and God, I hope it is the last time - I think I spent three hours writing "last" email after email - trying to word it so I got the closure I need and still positioned myself in a good light. In the end, I gave up trying...I didn't send anything other than a simple text saying "I can't - I have to take care of myself." (And even I know that was for my benefit, not his). So far so good - but you have to get there emotionally to be able to do that...it cut your losses and just say, "I'm done." As Hunter told me... it's a choice - you just do it! Be strong, we are here for you :)
Nov 10 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
Hopeful36
Hopeful36's picture

You are correct. I need to be

You are correct. I need to be ready. I'm having a hard time not "getting" him, it won't register in my usually normal head. He asked for the money about a month ago during a time he decided to discard me. He made some bets and couldn't tell his wife. He makes a lot of money from a wealthy fam. We had never talked finances before. I just think maybe it was a plan. When I ask him for it he says "you lent it as a friend so I will pay you back as you had agreed in Dec. Why would I pay you sooner. That was not our agreement. And when I pay you back that will be our last contact. Forever!!!!!! Do not contact me ever!!!!" That is the same line I always get. It's crazy....makes me crazy. Thanks for your feed back. It really helps!
Nov 10 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
Hopeful36
Hopeful36's picture

By getting I mean

By getting I mean understanding.
Nov 10 - 11AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Hopeful, you did the right thing

in letting go of the money. Cut your losses right now. Your best chance of gaining what you seek (answers) is to stay No Contact. Step away from the mess (and this is a mess.) Re-read your post. There is nothing alluring here or to be curious about. He isn't thinking of you, except to figure out how he can continue to use you. He's a married man. He has a wife and kids. If he died tomorrow where would your place be at the funeral? This guy's a user. He's not even man enough to be honest with his wife or himself, and he's not man enough to be honest with you, either, that he just wants sex on the side with someone other than his wife. Yuck! Hopeful, please please please please do not contact this person. Let it go inch by inch, second by second. One minute at a time. If you email, text, call, you negate everything you said and open the door for more poor treatment (look at how he spoke to you about the money, about the videos, ewwww) and you give him SUPPLY. He will have the satisfaction of his words that you will "think of him every day". So what if you are right now, that's normal because you're in the fog of the "relationship." DO NOT GIVE HIM THIS. PROVE HIM WRONG, even if you don't feel it right now. You have to "fake it til you make it" if you really want to change and raise your own bar. One minute at a time, one step at a time. You can do it. I hope this helps some and doesn't sound harsh. I know exactly what you are feeling, I have been there. The thing is, he won't change. You must change in order to get the kind of relationship you deserve with a man who can give you 100 percent instead of just crumbs. Come here if you feel tempted to text or email or call. We will help you! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT WAS A CHOICE, AN EFFORT, AND HARD WORK BUT MY LIFE IS SO GREAT RIGHT NOW I REFUSE SPIN FOR ANY MAN, FOR ANYONE!

spinning

Nov 11 - 12AM (Reply to #3)
Hopeful36
Hopeful36's picture

Spinning, thank you. I am

Spinning, thank you. I am ashamed to say I too am married. I do have a wonderful man but some how have been lost in my marriage. I am seeing a therapist and I am trying to fix myself. Nobody close to me has any idea of this side of my life. It is my "little" secret. I act as nothing is wrong and I go about my day. It has been 2 1/2 years of hell. Last thing, I have only seen the narc 2 times besides the night we met. We were with our spouses. We live 3000 miles away. I can not imagine we lived in the same city. How can this man have such contol over me? Thanks again for your feedback.
Nov 11 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
spinning
spinning's picture

Dear Hopeful, thank you

for sharing. One day I will blog about how I lost a wonderful, caring and helpful long term relationship because of the disordered freak boy I was involved with. I allowed it. I take my responsibility in it. I regret it more than I can tell you. I do not want anyone to have these same regrets. I cannot tell you the depth of my regret. Though I am thrilled to be so over freak boy (well, sort of...I'm 12 months and five or so days NC), I am now dealing with the devastation I caused another person who I tossed aside because of the freak. My life is good, but my struggles (financially, living on my own, etc. etc. for the past eight years) are tremendous. My life could have been so different had I given my ex-husband the opportunity he deserved...had I chased him and bowed over for him and used the same energy I used on freak boy toward him to show him my love. These are things I learned too late. My relationship with my ex was getting back on track and I tossed that aside for the crazy rollercoaster belief that freak boy was my "soul mate." That's what he told me anyway (within a couple of weeks of our meeting (!!!)). I now realize that had I pursued mending my relationship with my ex as I did all with the disordered freak, I would be with the kind, good, helpful man today. I wish to spare all this anguish, including you, dear Hopeful. You can have a good marriage, but it will never be good with the influence of the disordered one. I know you know that, dear Hopeful. I know exactly where you are and exactly what you are feeling. I am here to tell you that you can have the fulfilling life you desire if you shift your focus onto what that will take for YOU and off of the abusive outside relationship. I am here to help you if I can. Thank you for sharing...you will get no judgment from me. I have walked in your shoes. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. THE DISORDERED FREAK ALTERED THE COURSE OF MY LIFE, BUT I'M BACK ON TRACK NOW.

spinning

Nov 10 - 10AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

He didn't borrow money, he

He didn't borrow money, he took it. He has no intentions of ever paying it back. And he does use it to hold over your head as punishment. I love $10 a week for 2 years and when you pissed him off further it was $5 for 4 years.....he is a manipulator in every sense of the word. And is extremely passive-aggressive. I can see it in just this post. He can turn it on and off with a switch. You don't seem willing or ready to let go yet.......and that is very common. Read as much as you can about passive-aggressive behavior, narcissis, marital affairs, manipulation and stay away from him! He is poison!