Vagabond75'sstory

Hi everybody,

I'm not qiute sure if I'm at the right spot or not..

but I feel the need to get this out of my system..
and my ex does have alot of narcisisstic trades, as described on this site.

we met online, on some childish forum site..
I wasnt really looking, but there she was with her witty and mean comments.. I felt attracted instantly..
cynisism that she displayed told me she was of high intelligence and desillusioned like me at that time.
anyway, I was born and raised in holland europe, and she's canadian... we started talking, and things got qiute heated in a naughty way..(the sex thing I read about on here so much, as one of the potential signs)
anyhoo.. I had a job I liked, she was attending university.
so then my job contract ended premature, so I got compensated, being in love I immidiatly started looking for flights to canada, and began informing on how to reside here(canada) etc.
I gave all my furniture to friends and family, packed whatever I could take with me, and went to pursue the calling of my heart.
we got married.. and the first signs with the bachelorette thing I ignored.. namely she did 2 parties.. one with her sis and her bf, and lord knows who else.. ofcourse snorting and drinking theyre heads off..
then she had a second party wich included her mother and cousins etc.
I wasnt aware of the first party btw.
idk, maybe Im being pathetic.. but I think something like that is pretty ruthless..
the wedding... it was the lonliest day of my life!
as the day progressed, I saw I was just an ornament or something.. if she sat beside me for 20 minutes that whole day it was alot..
I felt ignored.. and there where 2 exes of her attending our wedding...wich bothered me too..
I tried to tell her, asking her for a cig with me outside.. and as carefull as I could mentioned how I felt, and that I would love her to sit with me...
I didnt mention there was nobody of my family there, nor friends.. this being a million miles from holland..

I had to go back to holland after a while to take care of red tape stuff..
heartbroken

thinking I would take care of the papers within 6 months, as the immigration website stated..
I took this as a chance to say goodbye again to people I love in holland..
as time progressed, she didnt miss me at all it seemed..
due to the 8 hour time difference, I did the best I could to have some intimacy with her over msn(not sex, but intimacy as in a togetherness feeling)
but that wasnt there at all.. she more and more spend more time on the site we met.. me waking up at 5 in the morning before work, just so I could talk to her, day in day out..
more and more generic short replies from her.. she prioritized me place #113
it got really bad.. she kept on talking with people on msn, the time I thought was sacred, us being apart and all..
to the point that all her friends online knew exactly what she was doing, how she was doing and the problems she encountered.. everybody seemed to be more in her life than me!
this got worse and worse...
telling me I was delusional, that I was a crybaby, that I was this and that..
I am a very communicative guy, I want to talk about how I feel, so there's clarity... and no surprises..
she didnt respond very nice to my troubles and fears..frustrations I had I was living with my severe religious mother where i already had a troublesome relationship with..
I tried all different things to make it clear on how I felt..
she got mean and cold.. told me to get a life etc.
I was naffled.. I mean get a life..?? I had to go back to make our marriage work!! and she telling me to get a life??
as I said it got worse and worse..
my dad's girlfriend, they been together for 12 years, got cancer, I was struggling to find work and supporting her, sending money so she could do fun things with her boy.. I didnt have a good time back home at all, it was all a sacrifice.
so in the summer she came over... for 7 days.. a 20 hour flight.. and just staying 7 days..??
been apart for 6 months..
anyway.. the day before her flight she was meeting up with a friend.. and when I called her she acted like she didnt have time to talk.. and acted real "bitchy"
so weird..
Im almost thinking she only came 7 days because it's harder to keep up a front for longer..? idk..

so she went back.. my mother gave her a ring she had for ages.. a very nice ring.. ex wore it right away.. so I brought her to the airport.. said goodbye etc.
next day I called, and she told me she lost the ring!!!
wtf!
time went by.. we grew more apart, in my view at least..
christmas time came along, and my red tape stuff encountered all kinds of delays..
so I wen there for 3 weeks.. it was all fine, filled with her family.. but I felt that there was to much unspoken problems that made me less relaxed and wasnt really able to enjoy my visit as I would have liked to..
so I had to leave.. what was weird too, was at the airport she didnt walk all the way to the terminaldoor with me..
all these weird signs I put off as stress or her way of dealing etc.

so back home, my dad's girlfriend went realy bad, after a 6 month battle she passed..
it was good in a way I was still there, so I could support my dad.. so when she passed.. I called ex, to tell her.. but as usuall even on the phone she didnt have much time to talk.. I asked her if she wanted to say her condolences to my dad.. she refused!! with some bs excuse..
next day I called again, asked again if she could talk to her dad in law.. again she refused!!
what kind of person can't muster the decency to talk to your inlaw after a loss like that??

the fight for my quest, the hope of a family, went on.. my papers where in after a while.. but my feelings where pretty much faded.. didnt know if it was because of the stress I been through, getting the papers in order, the endless fight against a failing economy in the shape of having a million temp jobs, her coldness, or the fact Ive been exausting myself with working 40 hrs a week, and trying to maintain a dialogue with her, in wich I had to wake up at 5 every morning..
or maybe a combo..
it's almost like some brainwashing programm.. getting exausted and getting jerked around emotionally.. so I got weak and numb.

I packed my case and went again to canada.. in the back of my head I already knew that this wasnt it, not after all this manipulation and jerking around, deceit..
I told myself, that maybe when we where together again, it would all flatten out, and I could put it in perspective..

but ofcourse never happend.. her sis lived with us.. well better, they lived together when I finally had my papers in order.. so I felt like I was intruding..
I felt uneasy..
after a few months I asked her, when sis was moving out.. and ex was surprised and acted like I was being a baby about it, and there was no problem..
idk.. maybe it is me..? is it normal to have this ferternity atmosphere for newlyweds..?

so tension was building.. no room for my emotions..
she told me times that all she wanted from me is to f*ck her like she wanted..
(wich was pretty much BDSM based.. her being the submissive one.. I found it exciting at first, but later found it sick.. like I read in one story, no contact no intimacy, not alot of kissing, most of the time she never looked me in my eyes..when we did it..)
I first thought it was a way for her to act tough, or to protect her feelings, when she said she only wanted that from me..

moving on..
when there was an argument, or a fight.. mostly because I was being a baby.. she often left for one night and one day.. a hotel she said.. but prob. some guy she does her drugs with..
every time
always left.

I am currently living in an appt. since may 2009.
I got kicked out in april.
just 3 days before she told me to get out I payed bills for us, and payed outstanding bills.. that took about 80% of my paycheck.
so I told her.. where do you want me to go..? I have no family here, no friends.. and thats where she stopped and interrupted saying that the reason I have no friends was because I was a f*ckin "loser"
excuse me..??? is it me.. or..?
I mean.. how can you expect a 30+ guy to have friends withing 8 months in a strange counrty..???

alot of emotional abuse I suffered in the last 3 months.. so so much..
so I went to the net, got on some site.. and got in touch with a woman.. yeah a woman who was sort of in the same situation, or as she said a loveless marriage..
so we talked, and I felt understood and supported.. so later ex found out, well.. there, I had made a friend and she was pissed because my friend didnt happen to have a penis.. well Im sorry..
so.. her propaganda campaign began.. day in day out making effort to avoid me like avoiding some rotting carcass.. everyday she walked by to seclude herself in the bedroom and told me I was a piece of shit..
I kid you not!
tried taking away every little plesure I had left in that stupid house..
broke cd's of mine she found offensive..

I do feel guilty for making a woman friend, but on the other side, I tried and tried to have a dialogue with ex, and everytime I was disregarded, discarded and called any offensive mental disorder there is..

she knew exactly how to hurt me deep and make me feel powerless and insignificant..

pfffffffff.... I have to stop writing now...

Im getting pretty confused .. sad, mad,

I still think if all the bad things are stripped off, that I blame on outside influence.. we are perfect together..

even when I write this, I kind of see how Im fooling myself..

sorry guys/girls..

as I stated I have no idea if this even qualifies.. or if it's just me being a big baby...