Very hurt and need you

I consider myself being almost totally healed from the narc. I want to share something which is not directly narc related. As many members who have been NC for a long time and who are analysing “their part” in it, I am trying to understand what is there in me which made me doubt myself and not protecting my boundaries. I am also trying to better understand my reactions, to find out their roots in order to be able to find some copying strategy.

Today I am in pain. I don’t understand why. I ask you to help me. I believe it has to do something in common with my narc experience, but I cannot put my finger on it.

So, the situation in brief: I am currently working on a project for a client. The person I am dealing with (let’s call him X)has a reputation of not being very kind and polite. I acted always nice and professional, I have walked extra miles to make the project to be a success and I know that my work is very appreciated by the company management. Yesterday I found out a mistake and shared my point of view with X. X replied me it was not a mistake. However, I knew it was and I sent him the official government document, which validate my point of view. His reply was very rude: “don’t overanalyze what you don’t understand, this is how it should be. ” I was outraged, but wrote a very professional answer saying that this is my responsibility to analyse and that I will follow his instructions if this is what he wants, but my role is to advise him that this is wrong. I copied all the management team. Few minutes later, I got an answer from a manager saying to X that I was right. Another half an hour later he wrote “ok, you are right, I never heard about it”. Then a manager wrote me that X came to him to apologize and said he was sorry, but he is under stress and bla bla bla.
To make the long story short: I won 100% staying very professional, everyone is taking my side, he is ashamed because of his incompetency (which I showed to his direction) and his non-professional behaviour. What should I wish for more???

And still I am very hurt. And you know, my deep inside, almost unconscious negative self talk is the following: “Winter, it is all your fault if people behave this way with you. You cannot come across as person who protect his boundaries. You don’t make people respect you. No wonder the narc did not respect you either.” This constant self blame (lack of self love?) is not helpful when dealing with narcs. This is why I think it is important to share this with you.

I believe this is my pattern of feeling hurt. And I am so damn hurt right now. I started feeling anxiety, almost shaking. The feeling is similar (if not identical) to the one I experienced when was D&D ed and poorly treated. When I think logically, I never allowed the narc or anyone else to really step over me, but the very possibility of someone treating me like that makes me think it is all my fault. And I do suffer.

I have nobody else to share what I am going through right now. I know they will say: “Stop overanalyzing”. But I can’t.

I really need your wisdom and feedback. I am confused and I cannot really explain, but I feel there is something in this reaction which makes me vulnerable to narcs. Thank you.

Love

Winter